Monday, November 7, 2011

Best Holiday Ever!

This marks the fifteenth year I have been working in the the mental health profession.  The one thing that I have seen remain constant from year to year is the amount of stress that takes place during the last two months of each calendar year.  

For many people, the holiday season can be a time of fear, guilt, sorrow, loss, social pressures, and financial pressures.  For the first time ever, I am offering my tried-and-true tips to experiencing "should-less" holidays.  In this FREE video series, I will guide you through each step toward challenging and unlearning stressful "shoulds" around spending money, giving gifts, and navigating social obligations.

In this series I cover:

-The "Should Pie" for challenging stressful holiday "shoulds."
-The 7 simple questions you can use to reduce and eliminate any harmful "should."
-The 5 Tips For Reducing Gift Giving Guilt
-How to incorporate these tools into the rest of your life 365 days a year.

Please come visit me at www.shouldless.com and learn how to make the rest of the year a time of joy, fun, and fulfillment!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Rational Polyamory



I am so thrilled to be a guest speaker at the monthly Open Love NYC Discussion Group this Tuesday, September 27, from 7:30-9:30.  The topic is "Rational Polyamory" and reflects my growing interest in helping people create wonderfully joyful, fulfilling, and rationally based relationships with others.

Individuals who share love and affection with more than one person are uniquely positioned to experience deeper levels of pleasure and satisfaction in all relationships. But without certain principles they may often flounder and become frustrated.  I will be offering an easy roadmap for participants to implement in order to gain more satisfaction and fulfillment in their daily interactions. Attendees will learn how to:

• Improve rational communication that promotes respect, integrity, and efficacy in interpersonal relationships with multiple partners.
• Learn the value of staying present and ways to maintain here-and-now focus.
• Explore impact of "drama" in increasing frustrations and resentments.
• Gain tools for managing and inevitable insecurities that arise in poly relationships.
• Maintain responsibility for one's own emotional wellness and state of serenity in relationships.

Tuesday, September 27 – 7:30 pm to 9:30 pm
Manhattan Theater Club
311 West 43rd Street at Eighth Avenue, 8th Floor
New York, NY 10036
Subway to Times Square or Port Authority

Admission: $10 at the door (includes membership bracelet)
$8 for Open Love NY members with 2011 member bracelet

So if you're in the New York area this Tuesday, come by and say hello to me and the good folks of Open Love NY!


Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, schedule a counseling visit, or a Skype consultation, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Changes Ahead...

If there is one thing that ever stays the same it is change.  If there's a second thing that stays the same, it's the perspective that things "should" be the way they used to be.  And if there's a third thing that remains the same, it is the irritation, frustration, and hopeless that results from having "shoulds" about change.

I am especially fascinated by this subject this month, as it seems all our lives personally and globally are undergoing a metamorphosis.  From the economy to politics, to our interpersonal relationships, and even the ways we consume entertainment, there is a shift that is being sparked by rapid changes in technology, access to information, and a breaking down of old systems.  These shifts can be scary and disappointing, yet with the right tools, can be approached from a place of clarity, certainty, and serenity.  

In coming months, you will be seeing some changes here as well.  The way I approach this blog, this website, and teaching "should-less" ideas, are all going through an entire revamp, and I am very excited about what is coming next.  Stay tuned! 

My psychotherapy practice focuses on solution-based approaches for expanding hope, happiness, healing, and strength.  I also help people learn effective tools for managing grief and loss, bereavement, ageism, stress, depression, social anxiety, bullying, and anger. I specialize working with individuals and/or couples coping with addiction, HIV related concerns, caretaking fatigue, spiritual/religious issues, and coming out.  I currently see clients in Manhattan on Tuesdays and Fridays at 1133 Broadway (at 26th street), and have later night appointments for those who cannot attend during the day.  


I offer lectures and workshops throughout New York that assistant participants in managing their daily lives and relationships with greater satisfaction, more enjoyment, and less suffering.  To see highlights from my "Give Up Your Shoulds Day" conference in New York City last November, please check out  http://t.co/lwmDFhA.  If you are interested in having me as a presenter for your group or at your business, please feel free to write me at Shouldless@gmail.com, or call me at 347-227-7707.  To read about more tools for managing life without "shoulds," please check out my blog at http://shouldless.blogspot.com.

I am very excited to announce that I now offer Skype Consultations for people outside of New York City.  These consultations also focus on helping people compromise and negotiate in order to increase joy, acceptance, and fun in their everyday relationships, as well as promote health and wellness in all the areas listed above.  If you are interested in taking part in a private consultation, then please contact me.    

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, schedule a counseling visit, or a Skype consultation, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Swinging From The Debt Ceiling: The Art and Skill Of Compromise


Like most people, I have been carefully watching the confrontations and controversy unfolding in Washington D.C. as the American economy has been on the verge of what news sources called "a total collapse."  I have watched with a mix of fear, dread, and I will admit, fascination, at the arguments taking place amongst a small group of elected officials who appear to be in charge of my financial future.  The "fascination" part comes from witnessing how very few people involved with these negotiations have appeared interested or willing to engage in a respectful and dignified compromise until the very last minute.  I couldn't help but be reminded of how many relationships I have seen on the verge of similar collapse, and similarly how much time, energy, and money was spent on waiting until the last opportunity to compromise. 

The primary reason for this is that most people perceive "compromise" as giving in, losing, and accepting of defeat. However, in all relationships, personal or professional, compromising is actually the exact opposite of failing.  Compromise is an opportunity to build a new path with someone for a greater cause.  It forces you to expand your point-of-view, and evolve beyond a rigid and limited framework.  It enables you to have empathy for another side, and use that perspective to create a solution that has not been tried before.  In short, compromise offers you much more than "winning" ever can. 

Can you imagine what would have happened if Congress had chosen to compromise months ago?  It is quite possible that the stock market, interest rates, and the economy would have been so much stronger by now if elected officials opted to expand their rigid thinking patterns.  Likewise, I have seen many couples go through therapy as a last resort right before "total collapse" of their relationship.  It would be to every one's advantage to learn the art and skill of effective, productive, and respectful negotiation. 

My private psychotherapy practice assists individuals and couples in learning this skill.  As a Marriage Family Therapist, I have fifteen years of promoting compromise, compassion, and integrity for people struggling in personal and professional relationships.  Whether someone is feeling challenged in an intimate relationship with a partner, a family member, or a boss, I have found tools to help people rationally and effectively manage challenging negotiations and differences.   If you would be interested in learning how compromise can be an opportunity for growth and for forming deeper connections with others in your life, I would love to help.  Skype consultations are now available for those outside the New York City area. 

I am now offering lectures and workshops throughout New York that assistant participants in managing their daily lives and relationships with greater satisfaction, more compromise, and less suffering.  To see highlights from my "Give Up Your Shoulds Day" conference in New York City last November, please check out  http://t.co/lwmDFhA.  If you are interested in having me as a presenter for your group or at your business, please feel free to write me at Shouldless@gmail.com, or call me at 347-227-7707.  To read about more tools for managing life without "shoulds," please check out my blog at http://shouldless.blogspot.com.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, schedule a counseling visit, or a Skype consultation, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com


Monday, July 25, 2011

"Relating" With Author Justin Luke!

 Wednesday, July 27th, at Stonewall Inn (53 Christopher Street) at 10pm

Come meet the New York writer everybody is talking about. Justin Luke will be Damon and Truett's special guest on Relating. Justin will talk about his career, writing style and inspiration, becoming a night club icon, and his main character Gulliver!

Justin's new novel, "Gulliver Travels", is an incredibly fun, yet honest, story of Gully, the young guy that . . . "sinks fast into the chronic life of sex, booze, and boys. Just scraping by in the city that never sleeps . . . Gully quickly discovers that this strange, concrete jungle has some major surprises in store. Luckily he has some tricks up his sleeve, and he isn't afraid to use his claws."

Justin will give an early bedtime reading from 'Gulliver Travels', as well as sign your copy. To read more about Justin you can go to the following:

Justin's new novel can be purchased at most New York book stores; however, it is also available at amazon.com.  


Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Before You Rush To The Altar: The Five Secrets Of Successful Relationships

New York State passed a historic victory for gay/lesbian couples on June 24th, 2011, allowing same-sex couples to marry and enjoy equal legal rights as heterosexuals.  This is a profound political triumph for human rights everywhere. However, beyond the euphoria and celebration I strongly urge all couples, gay or straight, to contemplate the gravity of making such a commitment.  Just because we now have the legal option to marry, it does not mean it is automatically the right choice at this time.  Many couples may rush to take advantage of this new opportunity without building the necessary framework for enjoying and maintaining a long term successful union. 

There are five principles and tools that can enhance and improve a couple's ability to maintain love, fulfillment, and commitment for the long run.  In my fifteen years of practicing individual and couples therapy, I have found these five secrets indispensable for those who seek to enjoy long term nourishing and loving relationships:

Creativity vs. Conformity: Couples who experience joy together are able to create a structure and framework that is uniquely right for them, as opposed to automatically conforming to what society says they "should" do.  For example, in the world at large it may be considered "wrong" or "selfish" for one to go on a vacation without a spouse.  But what if one person in a couple loves traveling and the other hates it?  It is quite possible, and I would argue necessary, for couples who want to avoid resentments and bitterness to create arrangements that are specifically right for them.  This pertains to travel, handling money, sexual frequency, child rearing, socializing with friends, any action or situation that impacts both parties can be served by being respectfully created and negotiated.

Communication vs Conclusion:  So often couples think they know each other well enough that they can conclude what the other person is thinking or feeling.  A partner might say, "I know my husband doesn't want to see that play so I'm not even going to ask him."  What gets lost here is the ability for two people to communicate, and again create, a solution that is right for both parties.  Even if it's true that your husband doesn't love theater, people do change, and he might still appreciate being asked.  It is so easy for us in a busy world to assume we know what our partners want and need.  These assumptions can often lead to missed opportunities, hurt feelings, and more resentments.  I encourage couples to respectfully communicate and ask questions even if you think you already know the answer.  Counseling can be a great way for couples to learn unique and effective ways to communicate thoughts, needs, desires, preferences, and goals.

Compassion vs. Condemnation: So what if you have a partner who doesn't share many of your interests?  What if you can't wait to get to City Hall to get married and he's expressing concerns or doubts?  What if you're wanting sex more often than him?  These areas can all be created and communicated utilizing compassion.  When you are compassionate, it does not mean you agree and go along everything your partner wants.  But it does mean you make a genuine effort to be empathic, that is, to see and feel things from their point of view.  Compassion is recognizing nobody wakes up saying, "I can't wait to be an asshole today."  We are all trying to do the best we can with what we have, and some days are easier than others.  The opposite of this is condemnation, which involves blaming your partner for how you feel, putting him or her down for having different perspectives or needs, and making him or her "wrong."  Condemnation results in anger, resentments, at times domestic violence, and mostly definitely plays a fundamental role in divorces and separations.  Couples counseling can be instrumental in helping couples shift from condemnation to compassion in their interactions.

Contribution vs. Control: In successful long-term relationships there is a sense of two people contributing toward a common goal, as opposed to one person making all the decisions and seeking to control the other.  This can become tricky in relationships where there is a significant difference in income, age, health, or other power imbalance.  However, even when circumstances contribute to power differentials, it is still possible, and necessary, for both members to feel they are contributing something vital and essential to the relationship.  This can be accomplished by using the previous three tools above (creation, communication, compassion), and figuring out areas where both can feel empowered.  If one person is the breadwinner, perhaps the other can bake the bread. Any opportunity for both members to feel they are giving to the one another, and contributing to the relationship as a whole, will increase their satisfaction, enjoyment, and sense of pride.

Connection vs. Completion: Unfortunately, many have been taught by pop culture and Hollywood films that a relationship is meant to "complete" them, or help them find their "missing soul mate."  This, in my personal and professional experience,  is one of the biggest misnomers and crimes ever perpetuated against long-term unions.  Not only is it impossible for someone to meet all your needs, but it is no one's responsibility to or ability to "make" you feel anything.  Every great philosopher, therapist, or relationship expert, from Epictetus to Dr. Albert Ellis to Tina Turner to Oprah Winfrey, has discussed the importance of taking responsibility for one's own growth and development.  Another person in a fulfilling relationship can promote and enhance that growth, but does not "make" it happen.  Partnerships thrive when they are based in the authentic and pure desire to connect with someone, not to hold them accountable for your "completion."

Good counseling can promote wellness, love, respect, and sustainability in all stages of couplehood.  To learn more, please do not hesitate to contact me Shouldless@gmail.com, or call 347-227-7707. 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Relating With The Stonewall Riot Survivors!

Relating with Damon and Truett 
June 29th, 53 Christopher Street
6:30pm

Jerry Hoose and Tommy Schmidt were there on June 28th, 1969 at the historic Stonewall riots. Now, over 40 years later, Jerry and Tommy, who were both featured in the documentary "Stonewall Uprising", will make another appearance at The Stonewall Inn, as our special guest they will discuss the night that changed the face of America forever.

Swing by The Stonewall Inn (53 Christopher Street) on June 29th, meet Jerry and Tommy, and hear about the LGBTQ movements that have happened over the years; however, it all started at The Stonewall Inn with brave young people like Jerry and Tommy. Their stories are amazing and very inspirational!

Also we'll have a special performance by the very talented Stonewall Sensation winner, Erik Sisco.

Our guest group for the evening will be the 'Gay Coaches Collective'.

The show's schedule:
6:30-7:00pm: Socializing and drinks
7:00-8:00pm: Discussion with Jerry Hoose and Tommy Schmidt
8:00pm: Erik Sisco will perform "I am what I am" and "Over the rainbow"

After the talk show and performances we will have a Stonewall post-pride party so everyone can meet Jerry and Tommy. 


Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Tweeting Of Blame

"We are always paid for our suspicion by finding what we suspect."
- David Henry Thoreau

"If you point out the errors of your brother's ego you must be seeing through yours"
-A Course In Miracles

You may succeed in making another feel guilty about
something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it
is about you that is making you unhappy. "
-Wayne Dyer


There has been a profound amount of finger pointing and guilt seeking online this week. From Congressman Anthony Weiner to daytime soap star Crystal Chappell, I have seen online boards flooded with pages and pages devoted to seeking fault and perceived moral deficit in other people.  Twitter offers a unique and effective way to complain and blame, given that 140 characters hardly allows you to experience a rich discussion or get a sense of complexity or depth that fuel people actions.  

To review: people have been up in arms because New York Congressman Anthony Weiner sent out a series of PG-13 pictures of his body to various females, and lied about it publicly (though more details are unfolding as this is being written).  Emmy winning Crystal Chappell has been taken to task because she opted not to defend a cast mate who was cruelly bullied by a media figure on Twitter.  This past week most people I know have been commenting/blogging/posting/tweeting and forming judgments about the choices of these public figures with inflated superiority. 

There is a special type of adrenaline reserved for moral indignation. As far as I can see, millions of people are getting high right now off their sense of righteousness. 

To be clear: you cannot find guilt in others that you do not perceive within yourself. This is just as true for bullies in schools as it is for judgmental religious leaders, as it is for soap fans on Twitter.  You can only condemn in others parts of yourself you don't like.  Twitter, and American culture at large, enable and encourage you to perceive guilt and fault in someone or something outside of yourself.  But finger wagging and blame won't change the feelings and desires you are uncomfortable with.

This is most evident in the example of gay bullying.  The only reason one would choose to focus on another person's sexual orientation is if they were uncomfortable with their own.  It is usually closeted gay teens who violently seek out and pursue attention from other (perceived) gay teens in the form of bullying.  When someone has comfort within themselves about who they are, they have no reason to fear and condemn the actions and desires of others.

Similarly, Anthony Weiner's behaviors have set off a maelstrom of insecurities about the structure of the traditional heterosexual dyad.  His actions have challenged the foundation of "monogamy" and "cheating."  Instead of people looking at the issues he brings up, and their own interest and stimulation by his activities, they are resolving to handle this internal stress by blaming him and calling for his resignation.  If he does quit, it will do nothing to further resolve the fundamental problems in people's relationships, and will only enable people to blame others the next time a political scandal breaks (and there will be a next time!). 

Crystal Chappell's Twitter activities have also provoked thousands of thousands of comments and opinions regarding what she "should" have done when a colleague was verbally attacked.  Once again, people can narrowly focus on the "shoulds" of others, and gain adrenaline-fueled momentum on their search for finding fault and assigning guilt.  But doing so won't make their lives any happier.

Responsibility and integrity are essential ingredients in the recipe of mental health.  This starts when you decide to focus on the person in the mirror instead of public figures.  Ask yourself, "In what ways have I have behaved outside of my integrity? Have I ever been tempted to engage in a relationship outside of a monogamous dyad? Is Anthony Weiner really bad, or does it just piss me off that he almost got away with doing something I really wanted to do?" Or ask yourself, "In what ways have I not stood up for someone in my life? How have my actions contradicted my intentions? Is Crystal Chappell really wrong, or does she just remind me of times in my life when I have fallen short by not being there for someone else?"

Focusing on the errors of others is a great way to avoid responsibility within yourself, feel high off superiority, and gain community with others who are doing the same thing.  But it won't help you sleep at night, and it won't enable you to have more authentic feelings of pleasure, enjoyment, and serenity.  Instead of seeking fault in others, try noticing what uncomfortable feelings are aroused.  You may be surprised at what you find!

**NOTE: Since the writing of this piece, more details have been learned about Weiner's involvement with underage women.  I do not condone or agree with this behavior, but still maintain that it is serves individuals and couples to discuss their reactions and thoughts about his actions instead of perceiving him solely as the "problem."  

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Psychotherapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

What Is Integrity?


 What is integrity? During my 40 Lessons of 40 series earlier this year I frequently discussed integrity as a goal of living with more balance, acceptance, and peace.  Yet many afterward requested I go into more depth about what "integrity" means and how it impacts culture and mental health. 

"Integrity" by my standards means you get clear on your priorities and values, and then shape your daily decisions and actions in alignment with those priorities and values.  It is based on what is authentically true for you, not what you and others think it "should" be. For instance, a high priority for me is to "be the change in the world," meaning, I recognize it is my responsibility to make this world a better place than how I found it.  My daily decisions and actions follow that value by keeping up an affordable psychotherapy practice, doing outreach/education for HIV Vaccine Trials, and using online media to spotlight the achievements and accomplishments of artists who are helping improve the world at We Love Soaps. 

The problems occur when one is acting in ways that are out of alignment with their proclaimed values.  This week the media has spotlighted (ad nauseum) a New York Congressman whose online behavior was out of alignment with his public priorities and traditional family values.  Such a discrepancy has captured the attention and imagination of the masses because it resonates with our own internal sense of something being "off."  We love to point out the embarrassing and humiliating flaws in others, but are rarely willing to look at our own contradictions.  Acting outside of one's integrity can ultimately lead to depression, intense stress, frustration, reduction in job performance, interruption of primary relationships, and increase in addictive behaviors. 

My psychotherapy practice focuses on solution-focused approaches for learning and strengthening integrity, and promoting consistency between priorities, values, and actions.  I help people learn effective tools for managing grief and loss, bereavement, ageism, stress, depression, social anxiety, bullying, and anger. I specialize working with individuals and/or couples coping with addiction, HIV related concerns, caretaking fatigue, spiritual/religious issues, and coming out.  I currently see clients on Tuesdays and Fridays at 1133 Broadway (at 26th street), and have later night appointments for those who cannot attend appointments during the day.  I take ComPsych insurance, and work with other companies to assist clients in getting reimbursed for out-of-network benefits.  Additionally, I have a reasonable sliding scale that is negotiated collaboratively. 

I am now offering lectures and workshops throughout New York that assistant participants in managing their daily lives without the "shoulds" that lead to suffering.  To see highlights from my "Give Up Your Shoulds Day" conference in New York City last November, please check out  http://t.co/lwmDFhA.  If you are interested in having me as a presenter for your group or at your business, please feel free to write me at Shouldless@gmail.com, or call me at 347-227-7707.  To read about more tools for managing life without "shoulds," please check out my blog at http://shouldless.blogspot.com

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The L Train Suicides

Residents of the Williamsburg neighborhood of Brooklyn depend on the L train as the primary mode of transportation between our little nook and Manhattan.  We are often frustrated and flummoxed by the quantity of delays and disruptions in service on this subway line.  But in recent months, we have been increasingly perplexed by the disturbing amount of suicides that are have taken place on this line.  At 11:30am today, there was the third of at least three incidents in the past three months in which a commuter took his or her life on the L train tracks.  What is happening here?

I am not privy to the identities of the victims, nor the reasoning for using the L train (seeming more so than any other subway line) to end one's life.  What I do know is that the act of suicide is an expression of extreme suffering that comes from distorted thought and belief patterns.  These ideas may include: "There is something wrong with me," "I should be normal," "Nothing will ever be better," "It is up to other people to make me happy," "I am unlovable," "I have nothing to contribute to this world," "I will always feel as bad as I do today."  

In my therapy practice, I encourage individuals and couples to question and challenge irrational and destructive thought patterns that can lead to violence, anger, and/or suicide.  Such alternatives may include, "There is nothing wrong with me even if I don't fit in," "There is no such thing as 'should'", "My life will get better if I do the work of taking care of myself," "I am 100% responsible for making me happy," "I am truly lovable for who I am," "I have something of value to give to others in this world," "My feelings are not facts - just because I feel like I will never feel better, that is not rationally true. 

As subway commuters who can't commute, it is easy to become angered and enraged by the fact that thousands of lives are disturbed and disrupted by one tragic act.  We tend to focus on the loss of income generated, the missed meetings, and general frustration with not being able to control our day.  But the truth is, suicide is more than just an inconvenience.  The repeated pattern demonstrates that there is something very problematic and toxic in our neighborhood that is leading people to believe suicide is the only way to get relief.  When each of us change our thinking, we experience a different kind of relief that creates possibility for others to do the same.  I know I am going to be a lot more aware of this on the L train from now on.  How about you?

Please press here to see my "40 Lessons of 40" series, which includes tips for managing suicidal thoughts, depression, stress management, and anger management.  If you are thinking about committing suicide PLEASE talk to someone first.  Call 1-800-273-8255.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Monday, May 23, 2011

Come to "Relating" with Damon and Truett in NYC!

**Tomorrow, Tuesday May 24th, at 53 Christopher Street, 10pm**

I am so excited to be hosting this monthly event in the West Village of Manhattan.  We have international sex expert Rocky LaBarre, one of New York's leading advisors on sexual activity, the art of sensuality, and anal pleasure.

Rocky LaBarre, a celebrity in the adult film/modeling industry, and massage therapist of 25 years, will discuss worthwhile techniques on having pleasurable sex just the way you like it. Rocky's charisma and sex appeal will definitely add excitement to hearing all of his knowledge on the art of sexual pleasure. As with all subjects, seeking advice from an expert will make your experiences more pleasurable.

Rocky is a native of New York City, he became a sex expert as he has always had a caring, sensual, and intuitive nature. As he himself says: "I can feel what another person feels when I touch them."

Here is your chance to meet Rocky and get his advice on pleasurable, relaxing sex and how relating to your partner (or buddy) in a more intimate, satisfying way can create a better relationship. 



Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com


Sunday, May 1, 2011

40 Lessons Of 40: #1-#10

Aging.  We are all going to do it no matter who we are, where we live, or what we believe.  Yet I have found there is much intense fear and shame around the most human thing we can possibly do.  I started writing the "40 Lessons of 40" series to assist people of any age realize that getting older can bring empowerment, fun, and freedom, when they learn how to apply certain tools. 

I am thrilled that I turned 40-years-old on April 25th.  In the 40 days prior, I counted down the lessons that have helped me to live, to love, to laugh, and to cope with loss.  These are lessons that make my life easier and more peaceful now, and lessons that would have made my life a lot easier and more peaceful when I was in my twenties.  They may not change your whole world, but I guarantee they will change the way you see your whole world.

Lesson #1: Seek Not To Change The World But To Change Your Mind About The World
Lesson #2: Dropping The "Should" Makes Life Happy
Lesson #3: What Other People Think And Say About You Is None Of Your Business
Lesson #4: Feelings Are Not Facts
Lesson #5: Don't Believe Anyone Who Says "You Can't."
Lesson #6: You Are Not Your Body
Lesson #7: There Is Power And Serenity In Saying, "No."
Lesson #8: What Is Real Cannot Be Threatened
Lesson #9: Change Is Good
Lesson #10: You Are 100% Responsible For How You Feel

Lessons #11-#20
Lessons #21-#30
Lessons #31-#40
 
I am a licensed psychotherapist in New York who focuses on short-term solution-focused approaches to learning tools for coping with ageism, grief and loss, bereavement, stress management, social anxiety, depression, and anger. I also specialize working with individuals and/or couples coping with addiction, HIV related concerns, caretaking fatigue, spiritual/religious issues, and coming out.  I currently see clients on Tuesdays and Fridays at 1133 Broadway (at 26th street), and have later night appointments for those who cannot attend appointments during the day.  Press here to see highlights from my recent "Give Up Your Shoulds Day" conference in New York City.  If you are interested in having me as a presenter for your group or at your business, please feel free to write at Shouldless@gmail.com, or call me at 347-227-7707.  

Saturday, April 30, 2011

40 Lessons Of 40: #11-20

Why 40 Lessons of 40? Because I turned 40-years-old on April 25th, and have found that many approach the gift of aging with fear and shame.  These are lessons I have learned in forty years that helped me to live, to laugh, to love, and to cope with loss.  I hope they help you to see that the true fountain of youth is the satisfaction and inspiration you get from growing older.

Lesson #11:  Pain is Inevitable, Suffering Is Optional
Lesson #12: No One Opens Their Mind When They Feel Shamed Or Judged
Lesson #13: Showing Up is 50%
Lesson #14: You Only Dislike Things In Others That You Dislike In Yourself
Lesson #15: The World Is Not Ending
Lesson #16: Life Is Better As An Outsider
Lesson #17: To A Hammer The World Is Filled With Nails
Lesson #18: The Show Must Go On
Lesson #19: There Is No Need To Fear Feelings
Lesson #20: Chronology Does Not Always Bring Maturity

Lessons #21-#30
Lessons #31-#40

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to stress management, depression, anger management, addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Monday, April 25, 2011

Lesson #1: Seek Not To Change The World, But To Change Your Mind About The World

I have shared on this blog and in "Absolutely Should-less" that there was a time in my life I struggled with crippling depression.  I believed that it was up to certain people and situations to change in order for me to be happy.  I actually thought that by hurting myself I could punish others and change minds.  Fortunately, an intuitive voice communicated to me, "Focus on changing yourself, not the world."

By making just a small shift in my thinking, I was able to alter my focus in a way that enabled me to accept circumstances in the here-and-now while maintaining hope that things would get better.  As I found more peace in the present, I actually started finding myself being able to make more friends, get better grades, and have less negativity directed in my direction from others.

This flies in the face of the conditioning I have received.  I am told by right wingers that how I feel should be based on the fact that I am a sinner/deviant. I am told by left wingers that how I feel should be based on being able to marry and join the military.  I am told by the media that how I feel should be based on looking young and staying thin.  I am told by "news" sources that how I feel should be based on the fact the world is a violent and scary place.  I am told by soap fans that how I feel should be based on cruel decisions made by corporate heads at ABC/Disney.  I have been told by the U.S. government for most of the past ten years that how I feel should be based on the "terrorists" out there.

So now I use this lesson instead to maintain a sense of serenity and acceptance about the state of the world. It makes it a lot easier if I replace the word "world" with whatever appears to be troubling that day.  For example:

"Seek not to change Sarah Palin, but to change my mind about Sarah Palin."
"Seek not to change the guy who just stepped on my foot on the subway, but to change my mind about the guy who just stepped on my foot on the subway."
"Seek not to change my sinus pain, but to change my mind about my sinus pain."
"Seek not to change the weather, but to change my mind about the weather."

And so on.  Anytime you notice yourself blaming someone or something else for how you feel, try replacing the "world" in this lesson with that person's name. 

There will always be individuals and systems in the world who will instruct you to feel depressed, scared, and wrong.  It is not your job to change them, simply to change your mind about them.  When you change your mind you do in fact change the world.  Making one small shift from a fearful angry thought to a loving peaceful thought can have an impact on others that you can not even imagine.  Every thing that I have written about here was a result of someone teaching me something.  They had to have changed their minds first in order to communicate an important and useful ideas. 

All 40 of these lessons have been predicated on the idea that changing your thinking about the world can be the most empowering and loving thing you can do for yourself and the people around you.  If even one person reading this is able to use a lesson to make their thinking a little gentler, a little kinder, a little more compassionate, with a little more humor, then I have done my job.  I thank everyone who has read this series, and profoundly we all continue to be agents of change in our own lives. 

Press here to view a copy of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret To Living The Stress-Free Life You Deserve."

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Lesson #2: Dropping The "Should" Makes Life Happy

At forty years old, I would like to think I have the wisdom, knowledge, and insight to say what my life should look like, how others should act, and how the world should look.  Unfortunately,  I have absolutely no clue.  When I assume I do know, I pay the price with frustration, irritation, stress, and heart ache. 

"Should" assumes that there is an agreed upon governing body of principles that we can all defer to in order to determine morality and standards.  It assumes that you and I have knowingly and willingly entered into an arrangement stating, "We will both respect and follow the dictates of this system.  We will agree upon how people should behave, how they should appear, what they should value."  Outside of a convent or a monastery is this true? Hardly.  You are bound to encounter people different from yourself who have different values.  All of us carry around our own governing systems based on ideas we have learned throughout our lives, and most people defend that theirs are inherently "right."  However, it is exactly this narrow faith in an invisible objective committee which leads us to condemn ourselves and others.  There is no objective moral standard for living that all individuals in a diverse world will agree upon so the term "should" holds no universal meaning. 

During my first year of college I began questioning the nineteen years of "shoulds" that had been weighing me down such as, "I should be smarter, I should be more masculine, I should play sports, I shouldn't be so emotional, I should be better looking, I should be in a relationship..." and dozens more.  I notice that when I dropped the "should" I immediately felt more at ease, relaxed, unburdened, and hopeful.  I shared this idea with friends, and they too noticed they felt better without "shoulds." We even started playing a game where we would catch each other every time we used "should" in a sentence, and had fun with the idea that feeling better could be so simple and immediate.  Because "should" had been such a fundamental part of my thought system I wore a sign around my neck of the word should enclosed by a closed circle, which ultimately went on to be come the logo you see above.

In Lesson #9, I discussed how change is good, and that everything that is wonderful in my life now is a result of a change that some point I resisted.  Every time I have not gotten a job, a relationship, or an opportunity I wanted, I was able to look back in retrospect and see that not getting it was the best thing for me.  Having these experiences repeatedly lead me to realize that I have no clue how anything should be so I might as well drop the "should" and chill out. 

I have been criticized for being too adamant and alert about the word "should" (I believe the word "should nazi" was used once).  Believe me, I have no investment in controlling any body's thoughts.  But I do stay consistent with this message because we are inundated every day with hundreds of message, directly and indirectly, which communicate that you are not okay to be who are, and so you should change the way your look, your weight, your finances, your mood, your clothes, your job, your home, your values (and so on...).  From my perspective these "shoulds" lead people to suffer when they conflict with reality, and then result in depression, anger, anxiety, high blood pressure, aches and pains, failed relationships, drug and alcohol use, and so much more.  It takes a strong counter force to balance toxic messages, and being cognizant of these "shoulds" has been the number one way that I have been able to hold my own against them.

I challenge anyone who feels bad about themselves, or who fears getting older, to try going just one day without using the word "should" against themselves and others.  Knowing and living this lesson prepares me to get older feeling empowered, confident, and strong.  Dropping the "should" has enabled me to live, love, to cope with painful loss, and still feel excited about what the next day will bring.  It is my profound hope that it helps you do the same.

Press here to view a copy of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret To Living The Stress-Free Life You Deserve."

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410* 

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Lesson #3: What Other People Think And Say About You Is None Of Your Business

I grew up believing that what other people thought about me was my responsibility.  So when someone didn't like me or didn't want to be my friend, I took it horribly personally, and believed that rejection was a reflection of my value as a human being.  This preoccupation with other people's judgments sent me into a depressive tailspin as a child. 

Throughout my teens and twenties I spent much time and energy worrying about what people thought of me.  "Do they like me?" "Do they think I'm cool?" "Does he think I'm attractive?" "Does she think I'm smart?" Focusing on what other people thought or said resulted in feeling extremely insecure about myself, and even shaping my personality to fit into what I hoped would please others.  When all my machinations failed and someone still didn't like me, I demonized that person and made them the villain of my never ending dramatic story line. 

Around turning thirty I finally began to challenge the idea that I "should" be liked by others.  I had recently gotten a job working in an outpatient psychiatric clinic in California that offered great training, supervised intern hours, and a nice salary to boot.  I so desperately wanted to do well, to get along with others, and please everyone.  So I did my best to excel in all areas possible and to be as kind I could to the secretaries, the administrators, the therapists, and the doctors.  Despite all my efforts, it tended to be a perpetually dysfunctional family environment.  Sooner than later, the rumor gossip mill got around to me, and lies were spread about activities in my private life. 

I felt extremely indignant and enraged. Underneath the anger was a sense of hurt.  How could they do this to me? What did I do to deserve this?"  I slowed down, took out my journal, and thought about it.  I asked myself straight out:  "What does it matter what they think of you? Are you really going to let this great opportunity be sabotaged by petty gossip? Why have you spent your life giving others so much dominion over your self-esteem?"  I took this as a challenge and went to work the next day with my head held high, focused on being true to myself, and serving my clients.  I rode out the wave of pettiness, and soon enough, the toxic waste cloud of gossip hovered over someone else. 

Eventually I was promoted to run my own program.  I had trepidations about accepting the advancement because I knew it would entail receiving a fair amount of heat.  I would be heading a group-focused day treatment program in a neighboring clinic, and I had witnessed first hand that whomever led these programs was constantly on the "hot seat" during weekly meetings.  I slowed down, took out my journal, and thought about it.  "Are you really going to allow this great opportunity to be sabotaged by your need for approval?  What does it matter to you what they think of you? Can't you handle a little pressure on the hot seat?" I took this opportunity as a personal challenge:  How much could I tolerate being despised by coworkers?  As it turned out, this program was one of the most satisfying experiences of my life, my coworkers were mostly supportive, and I was quite able to handle a little "heat" every now and then. 

It was around this time that I began attending the lectures of Jacob Glass and studying A Course In Miracles.  I came to understand that it is none of my business what other people think or say about me.  I have positively no control over others, and when I focus and worry about other people's opinions it actually detracts from my own dreams and goals.

After forty years I have come to understand the my only real purpose is to make this world a better place than how I found it.  These efforts can be seen in my book Absolutely Should-less, in the work I do as a therapist in private practice, in the outreach/education I perform for HIV Vaccine Clinical Trials, my interviews at We Love Soaps, writing these 40 Lessons of 40, as well as yearly fundraisers like the AIDS Walk.  Note: pleasing others is not on this list.  As long as I'm clear on my goals, and taking action with integrity, then I am released from the exhaustion of worrying what other people think of me.

Learning Lesson #3 has given me more freedom than I can express.  This clarity and purpose is a gift of getting older, but by no means is restricted to any chronological age.  At any time in your life you can release the concerns of other people's judgments.  It is none of your business what other people think of you.  They have free will to think what they want, and so do you.  I am convinced that if we all kept our eyes "on our own papers," then we would have time and energy on making our own lives meaningful, and this world truly would change. 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410* 

Related:
Support Damon walking in the 2011 AIDS Walk 
Lesson #14: You Only Dislike Things In Others That You Dislike In Yourself
Lesson #17: To A Hammer The World Is Filled With Nails 
Lesson #22: Be The Change You Want To See 

Friday, April 22, 2011

Lesson #4: Feelings Are Not Facts

The way you feel is not always an accurate reflection of what is happening in reality.  There are many times in the 1980s I felt like I was going to die as a result of President Reagan's negotiations with the U.S.S.R.  Conversely, I woke up the morning of September 11, 2001, feeling like it was going to be a wonderful day. When I lead with my feelings I am mostly wrong, because feelings such as depression, fear, anger, and even joy and excitement, are not representations of what is actually taking place.

Feelings are not facts.  They are experiences that can be extremely pleasurable or quite disturbing.  Either way, they do not always reflect what is objectively taking place around you.  For example:  When I'm waiting for the subway train to come, I often feel like it's never going to get there, and then I experience frustration, impatience, and anger.  The rational  fact is that eventually that train will be there.  It could be one minute, it could be twenty minutes, but eventually someday, sometime that train will appear.  When I'm on a roller coaster I feel like my body is in jeopardy.  Rationally I know that it is a lot more likely I could die in the car that brought me to the roller coaster, but on a ride I allow myself to have a sensational feeling while knowing that the thrill is not real.  Whether it is excitement or frustration, my feelings are not reflections of the objective reality. 

This can be especially troublesome in relationships when you feel like someone else is doing something wrong.  A phone call or text message isn't returned quickly.  Your partner is distracted.  Your sex life decreases.  These can all lead one to feel like a relationship is in trouble, when in fact, these can be common occurrences in any long term partnership.  These changes may mean nothing at all.  But if you make decisions solely based on how they feel, versus rationality,  you are bound to be stressed out and unhappy, and possibly destroy a union that has value to both of you.  Conversely, you may feel like someone truly loves you and wants to be with you, while the rational evidence may show that that person is not loving and caring towards you.  Either way, feelings are not the best indicator of what is actually happening in reality. 

Sadly, thinking that feelings are facts can have deadly consequences as well.  We are too familiar now with the frequency that young gay/lesbian people take their lives while feeling like their life will never get better.  Rationally, we know that life does get better, and the current "It Gets Better" campaign offers plenty of credible evidence to support this.  Yet suicide attempts are made from the irrational thought, "I feel my life will never get better so that must be true."

It is often painfully true that domestic violence often occurs when one partner feels the other person is cheating or betraying the other in some manner.  Regardless of what is actually true, once one person is suspicious, then the trust is broken, resentment and anger builds, and this all too often gets released in a violent and/or verbal action.  This need not ever happen!

Please keep in mind, there is nothing "bad" or problematic about feelings.  As I said earlier, feelings can be wonderful pleasurable experiences.  What brings unnecessary pain and suffering is when you use feelings to decide something is true at the exclusion of rational evidence around you.  I may feel that train isn't coming, but all rational evidence would indicate it will.  I may feel like my grief will never end after losing someone, but I know from experience that it will change.  Knowing this lesson at age forty sets me on track to have wonderful highs and lows on the roller coaster ride called "world," while making important decisions based on objective data.

If feelings are too overwhelming, then stop, breathe, think, and ask for help from a therapist or someone you trust.  Take good care of yourself because it can be very hard to practice rationality when hungry, afraid, lonely, or tired.   Children often learn to take a "time-out" when they are emotionally overwhelmed and I think as adults that is one of the wisest tools we can use as well. 

If we want to live in a world with less suicide, less violence, and less suffering, then it begins by each of us challenging automatic thought patterns.  If you want to see young people live and thrive instead of taking their lives, then all of us need to be that change.  We can all be part of the solution just by making some adjustments to our thought patterns, and taking more actions based on facts instead of feelings.  Practicing this lesson has offered me the opportunity to live with increased fun and fulfillment, and reduced suffering. 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410* 

Lesson #10: You Are 100% Responsible For How You Feel 
Lesson #19: There Is No Need To Fear Feelings
Lesson #38: This Too Will Pass

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Lesson #5: Don't Believe Anyone Who Says "You Can't."

While in high school in Culver City, California,  I developed a fascination with Santa Cruz, and made it my goal to go to college there.  I obtained brochures, information, and visualized seeing myself belonging there, long before "picture boards" were in vogue.  But when I sat down with my guidance counselor and told her my intentions, she proceeded to pull out charts and graphs to explain why I would not be able to get in.  Citing my lackluster grades, mediocre S.A.T. scores, and all around lethargic attitude toward education, she recommended I not expend time and energy applying.

With tears in my eyes I left her office, and went to see my favorite teacher Nancy Goldberg, aka, "Goldie."  You may not recognize her name, yet she stands alone as one of the unsung heroes in public education in California.   For over four decades, she has counseled and guided thousands of outcasts and misunderstood youth, giving us the opportunity to be seen, recognized, supported, and understood. 

So when I came to her in 1988 with deflated hopes and broken dreams, I knew that I would get sympathy.  "What's goin' on?" she asked.  I told her of my experience with the guidance counselor.  "What college do you want to go?" she asked.  I explained how badly I wanted to go to Santa Cruz for school. "Well don't listen to that old bitch," she replied, "We'll get you in!"

Just like that, I believed again.  Having one adult express faith in my dream gave me the courage and conviction to fill out an application, write an essay, and send it in.  One year later, when my acceptance letter came, I was overwhelmed with shock, happiness, and vindication.  I ran back to school to find Goldie to show her the official document stating that I had made it in.  "Yeah, I knew it..." she said, and that was that.

I resolved from that experience to never again allow anyone or anything to quash my dreams.  Since 1988, I have learned that people in positions of authority in schools and bureaucracies rarely have an understanding of how day-to-day operations go on, and are typically the last person you want to take career advice from.  I have also learned that the individuals who do achieve success in this world, ie, President Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, or even Lady Gaga, have all had to rise above an oppressive chorus of "you can't" by ignorant and limited "experts."

Today I still keep in touch Goldie, and share with her the successes that she has helped to create. There is a special dedication in my book "Absolutely Should-less" that acknowledges her for being the first adult to teach me how to challenge the garbage I was being told was "true."  As she prepares to wind down her nearly half-century legacy at Culver City High School, I know that her courage and wisdom will carry on in the thousands of alumni she inspired who became parents, grandparents, doctors, nurses, policemen, actors, teachers, directors, entrepreneurs, technicians, writers, lawyers, scientists, artists, engineers, singers, geologists, musicians, and yes, therapists, all around the world.

And her message will persevere when you read this as well.  Do not let anyone tell you that you can't achieve what you want.  Do not allow anyone to hold dominion over your hopes and dreams.   And never give anyone the power to limit the expression of what is in your heart.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410*

Related Lessons:
Lesson #16: Life Is Better As An Outsider  
Lesson #21: Don't Condemn What You Don't Understand  
Lesson #36: Liberation Is Having The Audacity To Ask, "Why The Hell Not?"

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Lesson #6: You Are Not Your Body

Like most others, I have been taught my value comes from my body.  I have been conditioned to focus primarily on what the body looks like, how it is feeling, how it is functioning, what it is doing, and what it can't do.  In this view, other aspects of who I am, such as what is in my heart, my mind, my spirit, come far second.  At age forty I am finally starting to see how this way of thinking is destructive, painful, and only creates suffering. 

When we focus on the body we are basically looking at two ephemeral qualities: body image and health. I'm going to break these down here:

Image:
Everyone, at least in the United States,  has been told that their value and worth stem from their physical appearance.  Even if you grew up in an area that didn't drill this belief into you day and night, you would no doubt have gotten it from any kind of entertainment, media, culture.  There is an assumed and generally unspoken "truth" that being thin and looking young is equivalent to deserving happiness and strength.  There are billions and billions of dollars invested in literally brainwashing you into believing this is true.  You are told what to think, you accept it, and then you condemn others who don't or can't follow the mandate.  It is a complex circle of shame and humiliation that ultimately ends up in nearly everyone feeling anxious about their physical appearance.

I grew up hating my body.  I hated how skinny and pale I was, I hated me in this body.  Growing up in Los Angeles and coming out as gay in West Hollywood only further reinforced the distortion that my value as a person was correlated with my physical appearance.  I believed I was physically ugly, and therefore thought I was ugly as well.

I started unlearning this programming in my Psychology college courses, which fortunately focused on how social entities create and shape mental illness.   That was when I learned that there were industries founded in making a profit from trying to make me, and billions of other, feel bad, guilty, and unworthy.  That is when I came to realize that the only "enemy" to loving my body were my own beliefs that I had to physically appear a certain way to be deserving of love and respect.  I started learning that the fundamental qualities that make me Damon are not based on physical attributes.  They are based in what I think, how I act toward others, and how I can make this crazy world a better place than how I found it.

I will not always have the body I have today.  But when I balance my self-care to include activities that nurture my mind, my spirit, and my body, then I feel much closer to feeling peace and positivity about all aspects of who I am, and who I am becoming. 

Health:
Using the same idea above, I have been conditioned to believe that my value comes from living inside of a healthy body.  Throughout my forty years, whenever I have had a cold, an illness, an ache or pain, or fatigue, I have used my thoughts to create suffering by thinking, "I am in pain, I am slowed down, I can't function."

Back in 2004 I took a wonderful Spanish class, during which time I learned that the Spanish language never refers to the body in the first person, it is always in the third person.  The correct way of saying "my back hurts" is to say, "Me duele la espalda," which literally means, "my back hurts me."  The Spanish language depersonalizes illness and pain to emphasize that the body hurts, not the person inside the body. 

That reminded me of the ideas celebrated in the musical Rent. We are only renting these vehicles we call "bodies" while we are here.  And just like renting a car, sometimes you get a rental that runs well, and sometimes you get a clunker.  When my car breaks down in the middle of the road I don't take it personally.  So why would I take it personally when my body gets sick? 

I am nowhere near where I want to be with Lesson #6.  My brainwashing from the world still leads me to be concerned with body image.  My automatic thoughts are still horribly judgmental when I get sick.  The difference now is that I no longer believe these thoughts when I think them. I may still automatically think, "uh oh another wrinkle" when I look in the mirror, but I catch myself and realize that I am only internalizing a harmful message learned long ago when I wasn't realizing it, and that I get to choose what I think and feel now.   

This is the liberation of getting older.  At any age you can question and challenge any belief system that holds you back and leads you to suffer.  It may seem very hard to do at first, and it is! But just like any muscle in that rental of yours, the more your work it, the more you will be able to do it.  The more you practice the easier it gets, especially when you get help and support from others.   

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410*