Lesson #26: Frustration Tolerance Is An Important Measure Of Character

As a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist, I often work with couples who are struggling to make a relationship work, as well as single people who want to find someone with whom they are compatible.  I am often asked what factors to look for in terms of compatibility in a potential mate or a current partner.  Common interests, similar values, and sexual arousal, are always standards for building a solid foundation.  But the one extra thing I always encourage people to consider is how your partner manages frustration.  

"Frustration" is the response we have when reality conflicts with our "shoulds."  And yes, I have them too.  When a subway train breaks down, when people block the sidewalk, if there is a long slow line at Duane Reade's, then I get frustrated.  "Tolerance" is the degree to which we are willing to maintain calm and focus despite frustrations.  It is an acquired mental muscle that takes discipline and focus.  It is the ability to choose to stay centered and serene even in the midst of an event that is frustrating.

When confronted with conflict, someone with low frustration tolerance will act out, make a scene, blurt out passive aggressive statements to strangers, and even sometimes start arguments and fights with people around them.  It is the cause of a great amount of traffic accidents, and in the extreme, can lead to battering and domestic violence.   The underlying delusion behind the behavior is, "If I can change you then I will be less upset."  This is a common yet dangerous belief.

Someone with high frustration tolerance will breathe, go within, recognize they have a choice how to manage the situation, and decide how to react based on what is most useful.  They recognize that even when circumstances are not ideal, they can be acceptable, and move on.  They may choose to be proactive resolving a conflict, or may walk away. But with either option there is the  knowledge that inner serenity is completely their own responsibility, it is not based on other people's actions.

When two people with vastly different levels of frustration tolerance are trying to be together, it can often lead to resentment and anger on both ends.  When one person is invested in practicing health and serenity, while the other is attached to practicing conflict and unhappiness, it makes for a turbulent union at best.  This is why I encourage couples and individuals to look closely at this issue, and if possible, use counseling as a way to build communication, support, and resolution for the various levels of frustration that exist inside and outside of the relationship. 

Knowing this when I was younger would have saved me a lot of time, energy, and sorrow. I had several relationships with people who had no frustration tolerance, blamed the world for their problems, and struck out accordingly.  At this point in my life, I have no time nor interest in being surrounded by people who lack frustration tolerance.  That may have cost me a few friends through the years, but my social circle is filled with people who are responsible for their actions and maintain impulse control. 

How do you react to frustration? Which response would you prefer?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #27: Getting "Older" Means Using The Past As A Measurement Against The Present

What exactly is "getting older"? Chronology and physical changes, of course, are objective markers.  Yet I have noticed the biggest mental distinction between someone who is "old" or "young" has to do with how they measure the present against the past.  They start their sentences with, "It used to be like..." or "In my day..."  More often than not, the present can't hold a candle to a romanticized illusion of the past, and the statement takes on a woeful frustrated tone.  People of any numerical age can do this, and any one can choose not to.

Why are young people romanticized so often in arts and literature?  Because "youth" essentially means you have no past with which to judge the present.  "Youth" are totally in the here-and-now moment, unfettered by fantasies of the past, unburdened by worries of the future.  The good news is that any of us at any age can embrace these qualities, it simply takes practice.

By this definition I am a lot "younger" now than I was in my childhood, teens, and twenties.  I wasted so much time worrying about the future, from larger issues of nuclear war, to my grades in school, to whether someone liked me or not.  I frequently fought change and harshly scrutinized new teachers, new students, new television shows, new music, new books, for not being how they "used to be."  I was stubborn, stodgy, and shut down by age twenty.

I have since learned the freedom of embracing change and focusing on the now.  I am very aware of the past, of people I have known, choices I have made, and how decisions and experiences have led me to where I am today.  But I don't use those events as a rulers against the now.  The past is helpful to me only if it offers perspective and insight of how I can enjoy life in the present.  By fully comprehending that there is no one moment better than another, I am free to live my forty-year-old life with novelty, interest, and investigative curiosity.  How about you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #28: There Are Two Kinds Of People In This World...

Some of my earliest memories involve going with my mother to the Alpha-Beta supermarket in Culver City.  I remember one distinct moment in the parking lot when she looked around, and noted with some detached disdain, "There are two kinds of people in this world.  Those who return to their shopping cart to the store, and those who leave them out."

I always loved studying human nature, even as a child.  I went through undergraduate and graduate school studying Psychology and learning theory after theory about the psychic apparatus,  attachment, unconscious drives, humanism, guilt, dreams, and family dynamics.  There was something about the drive to understand "why" in these studies that seemed removed, cold, and somewhat irrelevant, especially when you are working with clients who have nowhere to live and little food to eat.   As I began working full time in the profession, I found that modern Cognitive-Behavioral models made a lot more clinical sense, offered actual solutions to my clients,  and were more integral to my own values.  The work of Dr. Albert Ellis and Dr. David Burns focused on improving people's lives and empowering them to learn tools to manage their own problems, with or without therapy.

Yet now at age forty, with all my education and research, I'm inclined to believe that my mother had it right all along.  What human behavior comes down to is that some people will return their shopping cart to the front, and some will leave them out.  There are individuals on this earth who perceive connection among living beings, and feel responsible for having a healing impact in this world.  Then there are those who do not feel connected, have no attachment to doing their part to help, and could care less about making another person's life any easier. 

I have been reminded of my mother's eloquence a lot recently, as I do outreach and education for the current HIV Vaccine Trials.  I meet some people who are interested in learning, and feel a strong sense of responsibility to take five minutes to find out if they may be eligible to participate.  And then I meet those who simply don't care.  They shield themselves with fear, arm themselves with ignorance, and mindlessly leave their proverbial shopping cart out for someone else to clean up.

Taking care of my own "shopping cart" in this world has led me to take jobs which help others, and just as importantly, nourishes me.  Friends and family have often questioned how I have been able to do such "depressing work." The answer is very simple: If I'm not part of the solution then I am part of the problem.  I can't take on every thing wrong in the world, but I can return my own shopping cart and encourage others to experience the benefits of doing the same.  How about you?
  
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #29: Keep The Drama Onscreen

It is no secret I love daytime soap operas.  I grew up preferring to watch an episode of Days Of Our Lives or Another World to sitting through any cartoon or children's show.  I enjoyed seeing the adult characters confront problems and calamities, and overcome adversities in order to get stronger, wiser, and able to tackle the next disaster.  The implicit message underlying all the soaps of the 70s and 80s was that you too can overcome traumatic hardships in your own life.  The only drawback for me was how I absorbed and digested this message as: you need drama in your life to have meaning and purpose. After all, the happy characters were rarely seen, and I wanted to live my life "onscreen" as much as possible.

So I set out in my teens and twenties to live the conflict-driven life.  I created plenty of secrets, lies, betrayals, stormy relationships, arguments with crescendos, break-ups with tragedy, and always a front burner story line playing out.  If I was not in a situation laden with drama, then I was damn well going to create one by inventing a dispute, a complaint, a grievance, something that would make me have to learn, grow, and change, just like the soap heroines I loved so much.

Soon after turning thirty a horrifying shift occurred.  My external circumstances became situated in a way that made me...happy! I had a great job in Palm Springs, some fabulous friends, good money, and a wonderful family nearby.  Furthermore, I became tired and bored by my own problems-du-jour I was making up.  I was bored telling them, bored hearing them.  I found myself facing the existential crisis of being content and was terrified what that "meant." After all, if Barbara Ryan, Maggie Horton, Lillian Raines, and Bobbie Spencer disappeared whenever they were happy, what was going to happen to me?

As fate would have it, this was around the same time spiritual practitioner extraordinaire Jacob Glass began doing a lecture series in Palm Springs.  Jacob has an unique way of taking fundamental principles from A Course in Miracles, drawing from New Thought practices of the past one hundred years, adding a pinch of Oprah, a dash of pop culture, and sprinkling with life metaphors from Charlie's Angels.  He was the perfect blend of hope and cynicism that I needed to wake me up to the reality that I had created all the melodrama in my life, and I could stop at any time.  He helped me to understand that I could make conflict and theatrics out of any circumstance if that was my intention.  And most importantly, I learned from him that spirituality, peace, and serenity do not cut all the drama out of your life, they just cut out the cheap drama.

It was from learning these lessons that I moved to New York, wrote a book, began my private psychotherapy practice, and have had the opportunity to interview so many of the daytime stars I loved watching when I was growing up.  It was from the decision to eliminate flimsy cheap drama from my life that I have had the clarity of mind, focus, and direction to create so much more.  I still love the drama onscreen, but now have little tolerance for it in day-to-day life. 

Every day I see people on Facebook and Twitter who appear to be inventing conflict for the sake of experiencing turmoil.  I respect their right to create drama, as I had to do it for several decades before I was willing to give it up.  But I can honestly say that choosing serenity and happiness in any set of circumstances has allowed me to experience highs and lows more profound and deep than I ever did when I was younger.  It enables me to embrace turning forty, knowing that I can face future challenges with an authentic sense of resilience, rationality, humor, and hope.  It sets me on the course of having experiences and adventures that will enhance my soul, not dull it. 

Are you preferring your drama onscreen or off screen? What choices are you making today?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #30: Clean House = Clean Heart

There was a time in my life when I held on to mental grudges and emotional vendettas with a tight fist.  I didn't want anyone to "get away" with hurting me, and I did not forgive or forget anyone who had said or done something "wrong." Not coincidentally, my living space was in a state of cluttered disarray.  I had piles of things I did not need all around, dust gathering on old possessions, and every wall space covered.  I believed that if I threw away collections, clothes, or old sentimental items that I would be losing a part of myself. And thank God, I was right.

Around age eighteen, when I eventually did start cleaning out old closets and letting go of material possessions, I found that I could also let go of old parts of me that didn't fit anymore.  If I could release the parts of childhood Damon that had seen himself as an injured victim, then I could physically and emotionally begin to make room for a newer and more adult version.  This Damon would grow, start to take more responsibility for his experience, and would be more open to learning new lessons.

Often times people clutter and hoard as an unconscious way to protect themselves from a perceived sense of anxiety or loss.  The drawback is that clutter also prevents potential joy from entering your world.  If your home is full then there is literally no room for anything new.  Your heart and mind work in the exact same way.  Disorder in your house and traffic in your mind serve no purpose other than to make you rigid, stifled, and closed down to new opportunities.

My house at this moment is not the neatest place in the world, but it is overall clean with minimal furniture and minimal decoration.  Keeping my living area in order allows me to stay centered, focused, embracing of the present, and excited about the future.  It provides me with a space of positivity and possibility that is reflective of how I feel about aging at this time.  I am willing to let go of the physical and emotional clutter that stagnates me and holds me back from all the adventures and experiences that life has to offer.   What do you need to clear out to make this possible for you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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40 Lessons Of 40: #31-40

In thirty days I am turning 40-years-old. I am counting down the 40 lessons that have helped me to live, to love, to laugh, and to cope with loss.  These are lessons that make my life easier and more peaceful now, and lessons that would have made my life a lot easier and more peaceful when I was in my twenties.  They may not change the whole world, but I guarantee they will change the way you see the whole world.

So please help me celebrate forty years by coming back and reading these life lessons.  If you like, please share on Facebook, Twitter, whatever mode of communication you enjoy the most.

Lesson #31: There Is No Universal Consensus of "Sexy"
Lesson #32: When In Doubt Ask How To Help
Lesson #33: "Young People Today" Are No Different From Young People Yesterday
Lesson #34: It Is Insane To Argue With The Weather
Lesson #35: Random Acts Of Kindness Can Save The World
Lesson #36: Liberation Is Having The Audacity To Ask, "Why The Hell Not?" 
Lesson #37: There Are No Small Jobs, Just Small People
Lesson #38: This Too Will Pass
Lesson #39: "This Ain't No Dress Rehearsal"
Lesson #40: There Are Billions Of Dollars Invested In Me Feeling Scared And Sad About Turning 40

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #31: There Is No Universal Consensus Of "Sexy"

I spent most of my early twenties working at a popular Castro restaurant in San Francisco called, "The Patio Cafe."  The owner had a propensity for hiring "twinks," ie, skinny younger men who personified some fantasy of youth.  On Sundays there would be about nine of us working together on the floor.  One might think that nine gay kids, who had relatively similar physical characteristics, would be interested in the same kind of boys.  However, after being there for many years, I found the truth to be exactly the opposite.  Everyone who walked in was the object of desire for at least one of us.  It didn't matter how young, old, short, tall, dark, light, hairy, smooth, clean, dirty, rich, poor, bald, long-haired, nice, mean, smart or dumb, the customer was.  There was always at least one of us that said, "WOW that guy is hot," another said, "Dude, you are crazy."

It was then I came to the realization that there is no universal consensus of what is considered "sexy." Different people eroticize different qualities in other people.  Some men and women like their partner to be older, some younger, some overweight, some thin. One could go into deeper reasons about "why" one person is more attracted to some type than another, but what's the point?  Hormones are hormones, stimulation is stimulation, sexy is sexy. It's there for someone or it's not.

This runs contrary to what media wants you think.  Television, movies, and magazines impress upon their audiences that there is only one idea of attractive: young and thin.  As pointed out in Lesson 40, the goal of these images is to scare you into thinking you are not sexually appealing to others, so you'll buy products to make you feel confident.  People are fed these messages so insidiously and consistently that they come to believe that young and thin is a universal ideal of sexual desirability, and live in great fear of not looking this way. 

When I was in my twenties I took rejection very personally.  I thought if someone wasn't physically interested in me that it meant I was less of a person, a loser, a nobody.  I didn't understand back then that my self-loathing and self-hatred were universal turn-offs that transcended anyone's physical preference.  And I certainly did not have the tools to understand it's not personal if he's "just not that into you."

Knowing that now helps me to embrace turning forty, and stand up to cruel and distorted notions of ageism. There will always be facets of our culture that brainwash others into believing that aging is something to be feared, and that getting older means you will be asexual, lonely and obsolete. The reality is that some people are physically into you, and some people aren't.  That is just as true at age forty as it was at age twenty as it will be at age sixty.  There is no universal consensus of "sexy," and there never will be.  So embrace what you've got, and use it!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #32: When In Doubt Ask How To Help

Truth be told, I can be a bit shy.  I have no problem socializing at big gatherings...as long as I have a microphone in my hand for We Love Soaps TV, or a clipboard in my other hand for HIV Vaccine Trials.  Left to my own devices, I find it very hard to know what to do at parties, social events, friend gatherings, etc.

Then I learned a helpful trick: Ask how I can be helpful.  It gives me a purpose, it feels good, it makes someone's life easier, and it makes it more natural to socialize.  This might mean serving food, pouring drinks, lifting something, washing dishes, picking up garbage, cleaning up, running out to get ice, listening to a problem, or doing something that helps the person running the the festivities to enjoy themselves.

This lesson has been important at non-social times as well.  When a friend has been ill, when a loved one has died, when I'm at one of those junctures where I don't know what to say, I try thinking about how I can be helpful.  And when in doubt, I ask.  Getting out of my own head is one of the most effective ways I have found to manage social anxiety in these forty years.  It is a very simple idea, with very profound consequences.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #33: "Young People Today" Are No Different From Young People Yesterday

One of my current jobs is doing outreach and education around New York City for HIV Vaccine Trials.  This means I get to have a lot of conversations with people, older and younger, about their views on HIV, responsibility, activism, and social awareness.  It surprises and amuses me when I hear someone around my age say, "These young people don't care.  They just want to listen to Lady Gaga on their iPods and talk to their friends on Facebook."  Immediately I flash back to twenty years ago when I heard, "These young people just don't care.  They just want to listen to Madonna on their Sony Walkman and talk on to their friends on their cordless phones."

This complaint is as old as time itself.  In every decade, in every generation, there exists a continued myth that "these young people" today don't care.  There is a sustained illusion that the older you get, the more your cohorts had something to do with saving the world and impacting social justice.  I, for one, cannot remember any moment in the last forty years where that was actually true.

It is correct to say that there have always been subsets of young people devoted to social change.  ACT-UP of the 1980s and Queer Nation in the 1990s were filled with activists of all ages that were committed to promoting, and at times forcing, legal and political movement.  But it is more factual and historically accurate to state that some people of some age groups care about saving the world, and some simply don't.  This is just as true in 2011 as it was in 1971.  

I am fortunate to work with a group of individuals in their mid-early twenties who are extremely passionate and committed to helping to eradicate HIV/AIDS from our world.  They are so much more knowledgeable and savvy about how to help than I ever was at their age.  Thanks to Lee Chappell's innovative and fun events,  I am meeting more and more young people who are curious and engaged with promoting social change and making the world a better place to live.  And at the same time, I do outreach in areas of New York City where I can't get someone to put down their iPhone long enough to say the word, "HIV."

I've taken from all this that young people today are truly no different from young people yesterday.  Some feel responsible for changing the world, some don't.  If you tell yourself, "Young people don't care," not only are you grossly misrepresenting reality, but you are distorting the truth in a way that makes you bitter, resentful, and aged.  When it comes down to it, young people in every generation just want to have fun and get laid with as little muss and fuss as possible. Big whoop.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #34: It Is Insane To Argue With The Weather

I can't tell you how often I hear people complain, judge, challenge, condemn, blame, and curse out the third snowiest winter ever.  But rain or shine one thing remains true: Mother Nature doesn't give a s**t what you think. 
weather.  This is especially true in New York City, where we just experienced the snowiest January in recorded history.

Dr. Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, consistently and emphatically stated, "People are not upset by the things around them.  People are upset by what they tell themselves about the things around them."  People don't get upset by the wind and the cold, they get upset about what they tell themselves about the wind and the cold.  The same holds true for the economy, the president, the traffic, a coworker, a spouse, a partner, a canceled soap opera, even a death. Anytime we experience anger or frustration it is because of the automatic messages we are telling ourselves, not the situation itself.

I am not saying I like miserable weather or stock market crashes or losing loved ones.  But I have learned that going to war with reality means I will lose.  I will lose rest, I will lose balance, I will lose focus, I will lose joy.  I am simply not willing to sacrifice these things at age forty the way I did when I was younger. 

So no, I don't fight bad weather. I use all adversities as opportunities to practice these 40 Lessons of 40 years.  I choose to find serenity even in the midst of crappy weather, a bad economy, and a friend's death.  This is a valuable tool that any one of us can apply at any age.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #35: Random Acts Of Kindness Can Save The World

If the Winter Blues are still getting you down (especially out here on the East Coast), if you are ever in need of pick-me-up during the day, try doing ONE random act of kindness for another person.  A "random" act is usually unexpected and generous.  A few examples can be:  holding a door open for someone, letting someone go in front of you in line, paying the toll on the bridge for the person behind you, giving someone a subway swipe, saying "thank you" to a mail carrier, giving an extra tip to that waitress working for pennies in your local restaurant, getting a cup of coffee for a co-worker, leaving a nice comment on Facebook, or just calling a relative to say "hi."

I learned the ecstatic joy of this act from my dear friend Chris Bender.  We once ate lunch at Jerry's Deli in Marina Del Rey, California, and Chris wanted to get a homemade treat at the bakery afterward.  While waiting in line a very loud woman behind us commented how much she loved those round black and white cookies, and how much they reminded her of the kind her mother used to make.  In my cynical jaded mind I was thinking, "Geez lady, do we all need to know this?"  The next thing I saw was Chris at the front of the line ordering two cookies, one for himself, and one for this woman.  As he turned around and gave her the treat, the look in her face was one of shock, amazement, happiness, and tears.  "I hope you have a great day," he said as he smiled to her and we departed.  For just 75 cents Chris was able to transform this woman's entire day, and gave her a great story to tell others. 

Why do random acts matter? Because negativity and cruelty are like nuclear waste—they continue to create and increase more of the same.  If I am being an impatient jerk to someone, they are simply going to absorb that energy and dump it on someone else.  That someone else could be a spouse, a child, or another driver on the road who then might in turn use their car to express hostility.  The child that absorbs negativity may bully another child believing that violence will help him or her to feel better, when the reality is that bullying only makes the perpetrator and the recipient more prone to use violence and aggression to communicate.  And so on and so on. This need not be.

Random acts of kindness not only reward the receiver, but they help the giver as well.  They diffuse toxic hostility and make our world an easier and safer place to live.  Will wars end because people buy each other cookies? Maybe not.  But I've learned in forty years that my life is a lot sweeter when I find spontaneous ways to give.  I encourage you to test this for yourself.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #36: Liberation Is Having The Audacity To Ask, "Why The Hell Not?"

Not a single thing I have accomplished has taken place without a loud debate inside the chambers of my mind.  The "Can't Committee" in my brain loves to spew out all the reasons why I will never be able to do something I want to do.  It sites numbers and graphs as to why I will never be successful in reaching my goals.  Fortunately, there is a more audacious and stubborn part of my mind that reacts to the Can't Committee by asking, "Why the hell not? Give me one good reason!"

When I first started conceiving of moving to New York from California, the Can't Committee went into overdrive.  It stated, "You can't move, you have no job, no friends, you'll never make it."  My audacious side replied, "Why the hell not?  Who says I can't? What's the worst thing that could happen if I tried? I could fail, fall flat on my face, and come back to California, big whoop."  The Can't Committee also informed me, "You can't write a book! No one would be silly enough to publish it, and even if they did, no one would read it."  Yet Absolutely Should-less is written, published, well read, and from what I hear, very well received.

It takes audacity to stand up and say "no" to the Can't Committee inside of your own head.  After forty years, I have finally gotten better at responding to mine by asking, "Why the hell not?  I'm Damon! Why NOT me?" Asking this question offers a sense of liberation and resolve that helps me do more of the things I love to do, including making this list of 40 Lessons.  It is only getting stronger with age, more solid with experience, and this is one of the many reasons why I am so very grateful to be getting older.

What does your Can't Committee say to you?  Are you ready to challenge it?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #37: There Are No Small Jobs, Just Small People

By age seventeen I had successfully cornered the market of babysitting in my Culver City neighborhood.  I was getting bored, burnt out, and ready to work with adults.  Given that my penchant for staying up all night was increasing, I decided the only logical next step was to start waiting tables during graveyard shift at the local Denny's.  With my bravado and audacity, I walked in at 3am, told the manager I wanted a job, and somehow convinced him it was totally legal for minors to work night shifts.  I was rewarded with a job offer, but not to wait tables as I had dreamed.  I was told I could work as a dishwasher scrubbing pots and pans, as well as the toilets, from 11pm-7:30am - take it or leave it.  I took it.

My grandfather told me "There are no small jobs, just small people." I took that to heart, and scrubbed those pans and bowls like never before.  I felt so proud that I had been given such an adult responsibility, and took it very seriously.  I brought integrity, devotion, and commitment to that job, as well as to keeping the bathrooms clean.  The hard work paid off: I was soon promoted to a busser position, and then waitstaff.  I approached each and every one of these positions with reverence, fascination, and gratitude.  I came to resent high school even more as I felt it interfered with the thorough and well-rounded education I was getting at Denny's.  I would have rather scrubbed a toilet that sit in a high school classroom.  Come to think of it, I still would.

Over the next twenty years I did clinical work in corporate settings, non-profits, and government agencies.  I knew some people in these environments who approached their work with passion and devotion.  But I also experienced plenty of supervisors and higher-ups who came to work with resentment, anger, bitterness, and business practices that were less than ethical.  One even was convicted of embezzlement from the agency!

My grandfather's words continue, "No small jobs, just small people."  The measure of a person is not in the job they do, it is how they do it.  You don't have to love every job you do, but you always have the option to bring love to every job you do.  All work has value when it is done with integrity and commitment, even scrubbing toilets.  It is because of this distinction that I have been able to take on a myriad of a positions, both high and low on the "food chain," that have assisted in getting the personal and professional experiences needed to learn many of the 40 Lessons discussed in this series.  And it is because of these values that I can still perceive freedom in the midst of a troubled economy.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #38: This Too Will Pass

When I was young it seemed every painful emotion would last forever.  Hurt, rejection, anxiety, embarrassment, humiliation, rage, even boredom, all felt like they would stay with me for an eternity.  I never conceived that difficult feelings would pass, and as an adult they would pass faster.

I wish I had known at twenty-years-old that emotions would get so much easier. That even the most painful feeling of shock and grief is temporary, and will settle into something else.  I wish I had known that deep hurt is what transforms us into sensitive compassionate individuals.  I wish I had known that pain wouldn't always consume so much of my energy.

This lesson is nearly impossible to meaningfully explain to someone young who hasn't yet had this range of experience.  Even if someone had told me this when I was twenty, I probably would not have believed them because I had little personal evidence to back it up.  I am able to see today that I'm not just getting older, I'm getting healthier because I know experientially that every feeling is temporary.  Truly knowing that, I have no need to cling on to the good times, no need to avoid the bad times, no need to fear painful emotions.  They all will pass.  This is why getting older offers a degree of freedom that I have never known before.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #39: "This Ain't No Dress Rehearsal"

By April of 1988, I was closeted, scared, and not sure I was ever going to come out as gay.  I didn't really see the point, as I didn't know any gay people that were happy in their lives, and it seemed it would make my already somewhat miserable high school experience even worse.

Then on April 11th,  Cher won the Academy Award for Moonstruck.  This underdog, this outcast, was finally seeing the rewards for her passion and devotion to her craft.  Furthermore, she came to the ceremony in a unique one-of-a-kind Bob Mackie see-through gown that signaled, "I am here, deal with it."  Later that night she was asked how she had the courage to take so many risky steps in her untraditional career.  "This ain't no dress rehearsal," she replied, and went on to explain that we only have one life to lead, one very short run, and then it's over.  There are no auditions, no rehearsals.  You live your life until you die, and then there are no do-overs.  Her audacious and courageous attitude inspired me to come out no matter who loved me or hated me.  What mattered most was that I was being true to myself, and damn anyone else if they can't handle it.

With that inspired piece of wisdom I set out to live my life with as much passion and integrity as possible.  Some may argue I have gone overboard at times with this.  I would say I have constantly striven to strike a balance between "live for today" and "plan for tomorrow."  But one thing that informs every project I take on, every relationship I engage in, every experience I have, is that this ain't no dress rehearsal.  I'm not going to get a second chance at this so I'm making it the performance of a lifetime.  How about you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #40: There Are Billions Of Dollars Invested In Me Feeling Scared And Sad About Turning 40

Does it ever seem strange to you that we are made to feel bad about the most natural process in the world?  Aging is the one thing we all have in common no matter what gender, race, sexual orientation, class, culture, religion, geographical region, or financial status we are.  Either we die or we age.  I prefer the latter option.

So why then is there so much shame and embarrassment about going through the most human experience possible? Because financial corporations have a vested interest in making us feel fear so we'll buy products we don't really need.  Moisturizers, cosmetic surgery, make-up, weight-loss programs, teeth whitening gels, hair coloring treatments, hair restoration programs, Viagra, fitness programs, and dozens of other products are advertised specifically to capitalize on our fears.  They try to make us feel like we will be old and alone and depressed if we don't purchase these items.  The implicit message is: getting old is really terrible, but you can feel less afraid by buying this _____.  And since everyone will get older, everyone is the target market. 

I, for one, refuse to give into this.  I'm not saying that any of these products are "evil," I just do not appreciate the fear and shame tactics most use to manipulate and terrify their target audience.  This "40 Lessons Of 40" series is committed to celebrating and embracing the aging process, and forging a new path for anyone who has been told to fear the inevitable.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Relating ...

For those in the New York area, I am co-hosting this new monthly event at Stonewall Bar in the West Village.  Truett Vaigneur and myself will hold discussions and have celebrity guests that bring forward unique perspectives and new thoughts about gay men and relating.  Whether you are single or currently in a relationship, you will find this forum a fascinating experience.  

Please come by MARCH 23, 2011, at Stonewall Bar (53 Christopher Street) from 6pm-7:30pm.  Admission is FREE so come on by and help us "Relate." 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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40 Lessons Of 40

Great news for The Should-less Guy! Starting tomorrow, March 17th, I am beginning the countdown of forty days until I turn forty-years-old.  To commemorate this event, I have made a list or the forty lessons that have helped me to live, to love, to laugh, and to cope with loss.  These are lessons that make my life easier and more peaceful now, and lessons that would have made my life a lot easier and more peaceful when I was twenty.

So please help me celebrate forty years by coming back and reading these life lessons.  They may not change the whole world, but I guarantee they will change the way you see the whole world. 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Highlights From "Give Up Your Shoulds Day"

Here are some highlights from the 3rd Annual Give Up Your 'Shoulds' Day conference I gave in Manhattan back in November, 2010. Please enjoy!


Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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