Why 40 Lessons of 40? Because I turned 40-years-old on April 25th, and have found that many approach the gift of aging with fear and shame. These are lessons I have learned in forty years that helped
me to live, to laugh, to love, and to cope with loss. I hope they help
you to see that the true fountain of youth is the satisfaction and
inspiration you get from growing older.
Lesson #11: Pain is Inevitable, Suffering Is Optional
Lesson #12: No One Opens Their Mind When They Feel Shamed Or Judged
Lesson #13: Showing Up is 50%
Lesson #14: You Only Dislike Things In Others That You Dislike In Yourself
Lesson #15: The World Is Not Ending
Lesson #16: Life Is Better As An Outsider
Lesson #17: To A Hammer The World Is Filled With Nails
Lesson #18: The Show Must Go On
Lesson #19: There Is No Need To Fear Feelings
Lesson #20: Chronology Does Not Always Bring Maturity
Lessons #21-#30
Lessons #31-#40
Damon L. Jacobs
is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples
in New York City. He specializes in issues related to stress management, depression, anger management, addiction, ageism,
bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, as well as couples in non-traditional
arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Lesson #1: Seek Not To Change The World, But To Change Your Mind About The World
By making just a small shift in my thinking, I was able to alter my focus in a way that enabled me to accept circumstances in the here-and-now while maintaining hope that things would get better. As I found more peace in the present, I actually started finding myself being able to make more friends, get better grades, and have less negativity directed in my direction from others.
This flies in the face of the conditioning I have received. I am told by right wingers that how I feel should be based on the fact that I am a sinner/deviant. I am told by left wingers that how I feel should be based on being able to marry and join the military. I am told by the media that how I feel should be based on looking young and staying thin. I am told by "news" sources that how I feel should be based on the fact the world is a violent and scary place. I am told by soap fans that how I feel should be based on cruel decisions made by corporate heads at ABC/Disney. I have been told by the U.S. government for most of the past ten years that how I feel should be based on the "terrorists" out there.
So now I use this lesson instead to maintain a sense of serenity and acceptance about the state of the world. It makes it a lot easier if I replace the word "world" with whatever appears to be troubling that day. For example:
"Seek not to change Sarah Palin, but to change my mind about Sarah Palin."
"Seek not to change the guy who just stepped on my foot on the subway, but to change my mind about the guy who just stepped on my foot on the subway."
"Seek not to change my sinus pain, but to change my mind about my sinus pain."
"Seek not to change the weather, but to change my mind about the weather."
And so on. Anytime you notice yourself blaming someone or something else for how you feel, try replacing the "world" in this lesson with that person's name.
There will always be individuals and systems in the world who will instruct you to feel depressed, scared, and wrong. It is not your job to change them, simply to change your mind about them. When you change your mind you do in fact change the world. Making one small shift from a fearful angry thought to a loving peaceful thought can have an impact on others that you can not even imagine. Every thing that I have written about here was a result of someone teaching me something. They had to have changed their minds first in order to communicate an important and useful ideas.
All 40 of these lessons have been predicated on the idea that changing your thinking about the world can be the most empowering and loving thing you can do for yourself and the people around you. If even one person reading this is able to use a lesson to make their thinking a little gentler, a little kinder, a little more compassionate, with a little more humor, then I have done my job. I thank everyone who has read this series, and profoundly we all continue to be agents of change in our own lives.
Press here to view a copy of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret To Living The Stress-Free Life You Deserve."
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Lesson #2: Dropping The "Should" Makes Life Happy
"Should" assumes that there is an agreed upon governing body of principles that we can all defer to in order to determine morality and standards. It assumes that you and I have knowingly and willingly entered into an arrangement stating, "We will both respect and follow the dictates of this system. We will agree upon how people should behave, how they should appear, what they should value." Outside of a convent or a monastery is this true? Hardly. You are bound to encounter people different from yourself who have different values. All of us carry around our own governing systems based on ideas we have learned throughout our lives, and most people defend that theirs are inherently "right." However, it is exactly this narrow faith in an invisible objective committee which leads us to condemn ourselves and others. There is no objective moral standard for living that all individuals in a diverse world will agree upon so the term "should" holds no universal meaning.
During my first year of college I began questioning the nineteen years of "shoulds" that had been weighing me down such as, "I should be smarter, I should be more masculine, I should play sports, I shouldn't be so emotional, I should be better looking, I should be in a relationship..." and dozens more. I notice that when I dropped the "should" I immediately felt more at ease, relaxed, unburdened, and hopeful. I shared this idea with friends, and they too noticed they felt better without "shoulds." We even started playing a game where we would catch each other every time we used "should" in a sentence, and had fun with the idea that feeling better could be so simple and immediate. Because "should" had been such a fundamental part of my thought system I wore a sign around my neck of the word should enclosed by a closed circle, which ultimately went on to be come the logo you see above.
In Lesson #9, I discussed how change is good, and that everything that is wonderful in my life now is a result of a change that some point I resisted. Every time I have not gotten a job, a relationship, or an opportunity I wanted, I was able to look back in retrospect and see that not getting it was the best thing for me. Having these experiences repeatedly lead me to realize that I have no clue how anything should be so I might as well drop the "should" and chill out.
I have been criticized for being too adamant and alert about the word "should" (I believe the word "should nazi" was used once). Believe me, I have no investment in controlling any body's thoughts. But I do stay consistent with this message because we are inundated every day with hundreds of message, directly and indirectly, which communicate that you are not okay to be who are, and so you should change the way your look, your weight, your finances, your mood, your clothes, your job, your home, your values (and so on...). From my perspective these "shoulds" lead people to suffer when they conflict with reality, and then result in depression, anger, anxiety, high blood pressure, aches and pains, failed relationships, drug and alcohol use, and so much more. It takes a strong counter force to balance toxic messages, and being cognizant of these "shoulds" has been the number one way that I have been able to hold my own against them.
I challenge anyone who feels bad about themselves, or who fears getting older, to try going just one day without using the word "should" against themselves and others. Knowing and living this lesson prepares me to get older feeling empowered, confident, and strong. Dropping the "should" has enabled me to live, love, to cope with painful loss, and still feel excited about what the next day will bring. It is my profound hope that it helps you do the same.
Press here to view a copy of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret To Living The Stress-Free Life You Deserve."
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410*
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Lesson #3: What Other People Think And Say About You Is None Of Your Business
I grew up believing that what other people thought about me was my responsibility. So when someone didn't like me or didn't want to be my friend, I took it horribly personally, and believed that rejection was a reflection of my value as a human being. This preoccupation with other people's judgments sent me into a depressive tailspin as a child.
Throughout my teens and twenties I spent much time and energy worrying about what people thought of me. "Do they like me?" "Do they think I'm cool?" "Does he think I'm attractive?" "Does she think I'm smart?" Focusing on what other people thought or said resulted in feeling extremely insecure about myself, and even shaping my personality to fit into what I hoped would please others. When all my machinations failed and someone still didn't like me, I demonized that person and made them the villain of my never ending dramatic story line.
Around turning thirty I finally began to challenge the idea that I "should" be liked by others. I had recently gotten a job working in an outpatient psychiatric clinic in California that offered great training, supervised intern hours, and a nice salary to boot. I so desperately wanted to do well, to get along with others, and please everyone. So I did my best to excel in all areas possible and to be as kind I could to the secretaries, the administrators, the therapists, and the doctors. Despite all my efforts, it tended to be a perpetually dysfunctional family environment. Sooner than later, the rumor gossip mill got around to me, and lies were spread about activities in my private life.
I felt extremely indignant and enraged. Underneath the anger was a sense of hurt. How could they do this to me? What did I do to deserve this?" I slowed down, took out my journal, and thought about it. I asked myself straight out: "What does it matter what they think of you? Are you really going to let this great opportunity be sabotaged by petty gossip? Why have you spent your life giving others so much dominion over your self-esteem?" I took this as a challenge and went to work the next day with my head held high, focused on being true to myself, and serving my clients. I rode out the wave of pettiness, and soon enough, the toxic waste cloud of gossip hovered over someone else.
Eventually I was promoted to run my own program. I had trepidations about accepting the advancement because I knew it would entail receiving a fair amount of heat. I would be heading a group-focused day treatment program in a neighboring clinic, and I had witnessed first hand that whomever led these programs was constantly on the "hot seat" during weekly meetings. I slowed down, took out my journal, and thought about it. "Are you really going to allow this great opportunity to be sabotaged by your need for approval? What does it matter to you what they think of you? Can't you handle a little pressure on the hot seat?" I took this opportunity as a personal challenge: How much could I tolerate being despised by coworkers? As it turned out, this program was one of the most satisfying experiences of my life, my coworkers were mostly supportive, and I was quite able to handle a little "heat" every now and then.
It was around this time that I began attending the lectures of Jacob Glass and studying A Course In Miracles. I came to understand that it is none of my business what other people think or say about me. I have positively no control over others, and when I focus and worry about other people's opinions it actually detracts from my own dreams and goals.
After forty years I have come to understand the my only real purpose is to make this world a better place than how I found it. These efforts can be seen in my book Absolutely Should-less, in the work I do as a therapist in private practice, in the outreach/education I perform for HIV Vaccine Clinical Trials, my interviews at We Love Soaps, writing these 40 Lessons of 40, as well as yearly fundraisers like the AIDS Walk. Note: pleasing others is not on this list. As long as I'm clear on my goals, and taking action with integrity, then I am released from the exhaustion of worrying what other people think of me.
Learning Lesson #3 has given me more freedom than I can express. This clarity and purpose is a gift of getting older, but by no means is restricted to any chronological age. At any time in your life you can release the concerns of other people's judgments. It is none of your business what other people think of you. They have free will to think what they want, and so do you. I am convinced that if we all kept our eyes "on our own papers," then we would have time and energy on making our own lives meaningful, and this world truly would change.
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410*
Related:
Support Damon walking in the 2011 AIDS Walk
Lesson #14: You Only Dislike Things In Others That You Dislike In Yourself
Lesson #17: To A Hammer The World Is Filled With Nails
Lesson #22: Be The Change You Want To See
Throughout my teens and twenties I spent much time and energy worrying about what people thought of me. "Do they like me?" "Do they think I'm cool?" "Does he think I'm attractive?" "Does she think I'm smart?" Focusing on what other people thought or said resulted in feeling extremely insecure about myself, and even shaping my personality to fit into what I hoped would please others. When all my machinations failed and someone still didn't like me, I demonized that person and made them the villain of my never ending dramatic story line.
Around turning thirty I finally began to challenge the idea that I "should" be liked by others. I had recently gotten a job working in an outpatient psychiatric clinic in California that offered great training, supervised intern hours, and a nice salary to boot. I so desperately wanted to do well, to get along with others, and please everyone. So I did my best to excel in all areas possible and to be as kind I could to the secretaries, the administrators, the therapists, and the doctors. Despite all my efforts, it tended to be a perpetually dysfunctional family environment. Sooner than later, the rumor gossip mill got around to me, and lies were spread about activities in my private life.
I felt extremely indignant and enraged. Underneath the anger was a sense of hurt. How could they do this to me? What did I do to deserve this?" I slowed down, took out my journal, and thought about it. I asked myself straight out: "What does it matter what they think of you? Are you really going to let this great opportunity be sabotaged by petty gossip? Why have you spent your life giving others so much dominion over your self-esteem?" I took this as a challenge and went to work the next day with my head held high, focused on being true to myself, and serving my clients. I rode out the wave of pettiness, and soon enough, the toxic waste cloud of gossip hovered over someone else.
Eventually I was promoted to run my own program. I had trepidations about accepting the advancement because I knew it would entail receiving a fair amount of heat. I would be heading a group-focused day treatment program in a neighboring clinic, and I had witnessed first hand that whomever led these programs was constantly on the "hot seat" during weekly meetings. I slowed down, took out my journal, and thought about it. "Are you really going to allow this great opportunity to be sabotaged by your need for approval? What does it matter to you what they think of you? Can't you handle a little pressure on the hot seat?" I took this opportunity as a personal challenge: How much could I tolerate being despised by coworkers? As it turned out, this program was one of the most satisfying experiences of my life, my coworkers were mostly supportive, and I was quite able to handle a little "heat" every now and then.
It was around this time that I began attending the lectures of Jacob Glass and studying A Course In Miracles. I came to understand that it is none of my business what other people think or say about me. I have positively no control over others, and when I focus and worry about other people's opinions it actually detracts from my own dreams and goals.
After forty years I have come to understand the my only real purpose is to make this world a better place than how I found it. These efforts can be seen in my book Absolutely Should-less, in the work I do as a therapist in private practice, in the outreach/education I perform for HIV Vaccine Clinical Trials, my interviews at We Love Soaps, writing these 40 Lessons of 40, as well as yearly fundraisers like the AIDS Walk. Note: pleasing others is not on this list. As long as I'm clear on my goals, and taking action with integrity, then I am released from the exhaustion of worrying what other people think of me.
Learning Lesson #3 has given me more freedom than I can express. This clarity and purpose is a gift of getting older, but by no means is restricted to any chronological age. At any time in your life you can release the concerns of other people's judgments. It is none of your business what other people think of you. They have free will to think what they want, and so do you. I am convinced that if we all kept our eyes "on our own papers," then we would have time and energy on making our own lives meaningful, and this world truly would change.
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410*
Related:
Support Damon walking in the 2011 AIDS Walk
Lesson #14: You Only Dislike Things In Others That You Dislike In Yourself
Lesson #17: To A Hammer The World Is Filled With Nails
Lesson #22: Be The Change You Want To See
Friday, April 22, 2011
Lesson #4: Feelings Are Not Facts
Feelings are not facts. They are experiences that can be extremely pleasurable or quite disturbing. Either way, they do not always reflect what is objectively taking place around you. For example: When I'm waiting for the subway train to come, I often feel like it's never going to get there, and then I experience frustration, impatience, and anger. The rational fact is that eventually that train will be there. It could be one minute, it could be twenty minutes, but eventually someday, sometime that train will appear. When I'm on a roller coaster I feel like my body is in jeopardy. Rationally I know that it is a lot more likely I could die in the car that brought me to the roller coaster, but on a ride I allow myself to have a sensational feeling while knowing that the thrill is not real. Whether it is excitement or frustration, my feelings are not reflections of the objective reality.
This can be especially troublesome in relationships when you feel like someone else is doing something wrong. A phone call or text message isn't returned quickly. Your partner is distracted. Your sex life decreases. These can all lead one to feel like a relationship is in trouble, when in fact, these can be common occurrences in any long term partnership. These changes may mean nothing at all. But if you make decisions solely based on how they feel, versus rationality, you are bound to be stressed out and unhappy, and possibly destroy a union that has value to both of you. Conversely, you may feel like someone truly loves you and wants to be with you, while the rational evidence may show that that person is not loving and caring towards you. Either way, feelings are not the best indicator of what is actually happening in reality.
Sadly, thinking that feelings are facts can have deadly consequences as well. We are too familiar now with the frequency that young gay/lesbian people take their lives while feeling like their life will never get better. Rationally, we know that life does get better, and the current "It Gets Better" campaign offers plenty of credible evidence to support this. Yet suicide attempts are made from the irrational thought, "I feel my life will never get better so that must be true."
It is often painfully true that domestic violence often occurs when one partner feels the other person is cheating or betraying the other in some manner. Regardless of what is actually true, once one person is suspicious, then the trust is broken, resentment and anger builds, and this all too often gets released in a violent and/or verbal action. This need not ever happen!
Please keep in mind, there is nothing "bad" or problematic about feelings. As I said earlier, feelings can be wonderful pleasurable experiences. What brings unnecessary pain and suffering is when you use feelings to decide something is true at the exclusion of rational evidence around you. I may feel that train isn't coming, but all rational evidence would indicate it will. I may feel like my grief will never end after losing someone, but I know from experience that it will change. Knowing this lesson at age forty sets me on track to have wonderful highs and lows on the roller coaster ride called "world," while making important decisions based on objective data.
If feelings are too overwhelming, then stop, breathe, think, and ask for help from a therapist or someone you trust. Take good care of yourself because it can be very hard to practice rationality when hungry, afraid, lonely, or tired. Children often learn to take a "time-out" when they are emotionally overwhelmed and I think as adults that is one of the wisest tools we can use as well.
If we want to live in a world with less suicide, less violence, and less suffering, then it begins by each of us challenging automatic thought patterns. If you want to see young people live and thrive instead of taking their lives, then all of us need to be that change. We can all be part of the solution just by making some adjustments to our thought patterns, and taking more actions based on facts instead of feelings. Practicing this lesson has offered me the opportunity to live with increased fun and fulfillment, and reduced suffering.
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410*
Lesson #10: You Are 100% Responsible For How You Feel
Lesson #19: There Is No Need To Fear Feelings
Lesson #38: This Too Will Pass
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Lesson #5: Don't Believe Anyone Who Says "You Can't."
With tears in my eyes I left her office, and went to see my favorite teacher Nancy Goldberg, aka, "Goldie." You may not recognize her name, yet she stands alone as one of the unsung heroes in public education in California. For over four decades, she has counseled and guided thousands of outcasts and misunderstood youth, giving us the opportunity to be seen, recognized, supported, and understood.
So when I came to her in 1988 with deflated hopes and broken dreams, I knew that I would get sympathy. "What's goin' on?" she asked. I told her of my experience with the guidance counselor. "What college do you want to go?" she asked. I explained how badly I wanted to go to Santa Cruz for school. "Well don't listen to that old bitch," she replied, "We'll get you in!"
Just like that, I believed again. Having one adult express faith in my dream gave me the courage and conviction to fill out an application, write an essay, and send it in. One year later, when my acceptance letter came, I was overwhelmed with shock, happiness, and vindication. I ran back to school to find Goldie to show her the official document stating that I had made it in. "Yeah, I knew it..." she said, and that was that.
Today I still keep in touch Goldie, and share with her the successes that she has helped to create. There is a special dedication in my book "Absolutely Should-less" that acknowledges her for being the first adult to teach me how to challenge the garbage I was being told was "true." As she prepares to wind down her nearly half-century legacy at Culver City High School, I know that her courage and wisdom will carry on in the thousands of alumni she inspired who became parents, grandparents, doctors, nurses, policemen, actors, teachers, directors, entrepreneurs, technicians, writers, lawyers, scientists, artists, engineers, singers, geologists, musicians, and yes, therapists, all around the world.
And her message will persevere when you read this as well. Do not let anyone tell you that you can't achieve what you want. Do not allow anyone to hold dominion over your hopes and dreams. And never give anyone the power to limit the expression of what is in your heart.
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410*
Related Lessons:
Lesson #16: Life Is Better As An Outsider
Lesson #21: Don't Condemn What You Don't Understand
Lesson #36: Liberation Is Having The Audacity To Ask, "Why The Hell Not?"
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Lesson #6: You Are Not Your Body
When we focus on the body we are basically looking at two ephemeral qualities: body image and health. I'm going to break these down here:
Image:
Everyone, at least in the United States, has been told that their value and worth stem from their physical appearance. Even if you grew up in an area that didn't drill this belief into you day and night, you would no doubt have gotten it from any kind of entertainment, media, culture. There is an assumed and generally unspoken "truth" that being thin and looking young is equivalent to deserving happiness and strength. There are billions and billions of dollars invested in literally brainwashing you into believing this is true. You are told what to think, you accept it, and then you condemn others who don't or can't follow the mandate. It is a complex circle of shame and humiliation that ultimately ends up in nearly everyone feeling anxious about their physical appearance.
I grew up hating my body. I hated how skinny and pale I was, I hated me in this body. Growing up in Los Angeles and coming out as gay in West Hollywood only further reinforced the distortion that my value as a person was correlated with my physical appearance. I believed I was physically ugly, and therefore thought I was ugly as well.
I started unlearning this programming in my Psychology college courses, which fortunately focused on how social entities create and shape mental illness. That was when I learned that there were industries founded in making a profit from trying to make me, and billions of other, feel bad, guilty, and unworthy. That is when I came to realize that the only "enemy" to loving my body were my own beliefs that I had to physically appear a certain way to be deserving of love and respect. I started learning that the fundamental qualities that make me Damon are not based on physical attributes. They are based in what I think, how I act toward others, and how I can make this crazy world a better place than how I found it.
I will not always have the body I have today. But when I balance my self-care to include activities that nurture my mind, my spirit, and my body, then I feel much closer to feeling peace and positivity about all aspects of who I am, and who I am becoming.
Health:
Using the same idea above, I have been conditioned to believe that my value comes from living inside of a healthy body. Throughout my forty years, whenever I have had a cold, an illness, an ache or pain, or fatigue, I have used my thoughts to create suffering by thinking, "I am in pain, I am slowed down, I can't function."
Back in 2004 I took a wonderful Spanish class, during which time I learned that the Spanish language never refers to the body in the first person, it is always in the third person. The correct way of saying "my back hurts" is to say, "Me duele la espalda," which literally means, "my back hurts me." The Spanish language depersonalizes illness and pain to emphasize that the body hurts, not the person inside the body.
That reminded me of the ideas celebrated in the musical Rent. We are only renting these vehicles we call "bodies" while we are here. And just like renting a car, sometimes you get a rental that runs well, and sometimes you get a clunker. When my car breaks down in the middle of the road I don't take it personally. So why would I take it personally when my body gets sick?
I am nowhere near where I want to be with Lesson #6. My brainwashing from the world still leads me to be concerned with body image. My automatic thoughts are still horribly judgmental when I get sick. The difference now is that I no longer believe these thoughts when I think them. I may still automatically think, "uh oh another wrinkle" when I look in the mirror, but I catch myself and realize that I am only internalizing a harmful message learned long ago when I wasn't realizing it, and that I get to choose what I think and feel now.
This is the liberation of getting older. At any age you can question and challenge any belief system that holds you back and leads you to suffer. It may seem very hard to do at first, and it is! But just like any muscle in that rental of yours, the more your work it, the more you will be able to do it. The more you practice the easier it gets, especially when you get help and support from others.
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410*
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Lesson #7: There Is Power And Serenity In Saying "No".
Interviewing daytime soap actors and actresses has become one of the greatest joys in my life. Not only do I get to meet people I have looked up to and admired for decades, but often times I learn tools and techniques for managing my own problems. The interview I did with Patricia Pease in June, 2009, was one of these occasions.Patricia had played tortured Kimberly Brady on Days Of Our Lives for most of 1984-1992. However during one of her "breaks" from the show, Patricia had actually been fired for refusing to act out a story in which the real-life pregnant actress would have played her character giving birth to a stillborn baby. In my mind, making such a decision would have been fraught with fury and stress. But Patricia instead clarified for me the power of saying, "no."
When you are really settled, and coming from a place of love...it isn’t a demand, it isn’t a loud “no”, it isn’t a dig-you-heels-in-the-ground kind of “no.” It is very quiet. And it is very simple. I had come to a point where there weren’t a whole lot of things I was sure about, but the one thing I knew 100% in my heart was that I loved being a mother. I never knew such love my entire life. And I wasn’t about to jeopardize it. So it was really easy at that point to say, “No, thank you.”Previous to this interview, I always thought that saying "no" meant that I had to have an adverse reaction, and build "evidence" for my "case." I believed that "no" could only be expressed in anger and frustration when things got really bad. I realized here that saying "no" could be a very loving peaceful and protective statement to make.
Soon after this interview, I experienced an unjust decision against me in a work setting. I had needed a day off to fly out to the Daytime Emmy's in California, and was told "no" because two other clinicians had already been approved off for that day. This was my third summer at this setting, and frequently had covered when three other clinicians were absent. Yet I was the only one who was denied time off.
My instinct was to quit on the spot. After years of service I believed I deserved better. I was outraged, offended, hurt, and believed I had been singled out. I had a good mind to rush right in and give an ultimatum: I want the day off or I walk. Instead, I remembered that making important life decisions in a heightened emotional state is never a good idea, and decided to take 72 hours to decide what to do.
I took time to sit in quiet and contemplate what I truly wanted out of life. Patricia's words suddenly came to me, "It isn’t a demand, it isn’t a loud 'no', it isn’t a dig-you-heels-in-the-ground kind of 'no.' It is very quiet. And it is very simple." I came to the understanding that saying "no" to this job and their inequities was the most loving and respectful thing I could do for myself, and for the people I worked with. I understood that I had the choice to walk away from an unjust situation with compassion for everyone involved. I didn't have to go to "court," I didn't have to build my "case," I could simply and proactively choose an action that was inherently right for me. I quit with integrity and honor for everyone involved.
So often in life, we feel we must be get pushed to extremes in order to set limits or say goodbye. Most of us have been taught only to make changes when we have to be reactive instead of proactive. This is especially true when it comes to declining invitations for family gatherings or social parties. I know many people who torture themselves for wanting to say "no" to large events that they instinctively know are unhealthy to attend. They go against that internal voice, and then use alcohol or drugs to "get through it." When in fact, saying "no" would have been the most decent things they can do to respect themselves and others. It doesn't have to be angry or resentful, just quiet and calm.
It is true that many people, especially in this economy, are in no position to quit gainful employment, even when they are being disrespected or abused. Even in these circumstances however, you still can say "no" within yourself to being treated poorly. You can remind yourself that you are a human being who deserves honor and respect. If you are being harassed you can start documenting the person, time, place, and exact dialogue that was used to harass you. There are many ways you can peacefully express "no" to infringements against your dignity without quitting.
Knowing this lesson contributes a lot toward my experience of peace as I get older. I realize I am not here to make others happy, and that I couldn't even I wanted to (per Lesson #10). I am not here to be anyone's crucifier, I am not here to be anyone's savior. I have the right to say "no" to unacceptable treatment, or when it simply feels right, and so do you. When I set appropriate boundaries, I give others permission to do the same. Are there areas of your life where saying "no" could bring you more serenity?
EPILOGUE: While writing this piece I was discussing HIV Vaccine Trials with a major club promoter in New York City. While he says that advancing HIV prevention research is important to him, he unequivocally said "no" to allowing me to distribute any information about preventing HIV at an upcoming event. His "no" was very clear and calm, and made me realize that following Lesson #7 means I have to be willing to be a graceful recipient of hearing "no" as much as I'm willing to say it. Respect is a two-way street, and this conversation reminded me that if I want people to follow this lesson, then I have to honor other people's "no" when I hear it. Thank goodness life still offers me plenty of opportunities to practice and relearn these lessons all the time!
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**
Monday, April 18, 2011
Lesson #8: What Is Real Cannot Be Threatened
As human beings we affect each other all the time. For example, let's say you are feeling cranky and having a nothing-is-going-right day. You walk on the subway and suddenly you are in the company of a child who is laughing and smiling with her mother. Soon enough, you can't help but feel like laughing and smiling too. Then the child and her mother get off the train. That affect doesn't go away just because the child does. The impact that laughter had on your nervous system, on your blood vessels, on your digestive track, and on the chemistry in your brain doesn't cease to exist just because the child walked away. You had a very real experience, and you continue to be impacted by that experience even when the person is no longer physically present.
That is because what is real cannot be threatened. When my life has been enhanced by someone, that doesn't end just because their body dies. Our authentic connection remains strong and vital even when their physical body is absent. Many of the 40 Lessons of 40 have been shaped by people I've had genuine connections with, who are physically dead. For example:
-Chris Bender (died 2011) was instrumental in teaching me patience (Lesson #24), compassion (Lesson #35), and that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional (Lesson #11).
-Jhan Dean Egg (died 1998) demonstrated the courage and rewards of stubbornly being your own person, and how not compromising to social norms had its benefits and costs (Lesson #16)
-Ntombi Howell (died 2003) was fundamental in helping me understand that an angry activist on a soapbox helps no one (Lesson #12). She told me, "A liberal helps "them", an ally helps "us."
-My grandfather Benjamin Jacobs (died 1997) told me, "There Are No Small Jobs, Just Small People." (Lesson #27)
-Ruth Van Horn (died 2007) was the first person I ever told I wanted to write a book about "shoulds." She responded by saying, "Oh! The world needs that!" That conversation ultimately led to the writing of Absolutely Should-less.
I no longer have these individuals in my world, but our connection lives on. Our relationship cannot be severed by death or separation. What is real cannot be threatened, and knowing this through experience has provided me great comfort, and reduced suffering.
The same principle applies when a relationship comes to an end with someone who is alive. There may be valid and healthy reasons why two people choose to terminate a marriage or a partnership. Nevertheless, if there was anything authentic to begin with, it cannot be dismantled by a divorce or a separation.
This is also why I take the somewhat controversial stance that a third person cannot "come between" two people in a relationship. What is real is not subjected to influence and manipulations of others. If a dyad is in jeopardy then a third person could certainly take advantage of that. But what is truly there cannot be swayed.
But even in this scenario, what is real cannot be threatened. ABC can terminate the shows, but they can't cancel your memories and joy of the characters. They can't take away the experience you had watching these shows when you were sick, when you were depressed, when you were lonely, when you lost someone you love, when you were nursing your first child. They have no ability to destroy how these programs enhanced your life unless you let them.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. The pain I feel when someone or something I love goes away is real. The suffering about that grief is optional. If I perceive a loss as a permanent severance of joy, fun, and laughter, then I will indeed suffer. If I perceive a death as a change in a relationship, and an opportunity to internalize and express all the wonderful things about that person or thing, then I will still have pain, but suffering will be lessened. Knowing this lesson helps me to feel joyful and excited about getting older, even knowing that the more I live and love, the more I will lose.
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Lesson #9: Change Is Good
Notice I didn't say that change always feels good. More often than not, changes are accompanied with a period of discomfort, anxiety, restlessness, and often grief for something that has been lost. Yet there is no way I would be in Brooklyn, New York, working as a psychotherapist, typing out these lessons on a thing called a "blog" on a system called the "Internet" using networks called "Twitter" or "FaceBook" if it wasn't for millions and millions of changes.
I spent a fair amount of time when I was younger fighting and resisting change. Growing up living in the same house and going to school with the same students from Kindergarten through high school afforded me the luxury of not having to adjust to very many significant alterations. Even in my twenties, as I moved to San Francisco, I still tried to prevent and avoid drastic changes. I always approached an alteration in my life with the automatic thought, "Uh oh, this is not going to be good."
Trying to avoid change in personal relationships has cost me plenty. As mentioned in Lesson #20, I used to have a tendency to try hold on to someone even when I knew it was not healthy for either one of us. By not facing inevitable endings, I participated in a toxic process that made both of our lives more complicated and painful.
By my mid 30s I took inventory of my life and realized that things had turned out well. I was living in Palm Springs, making a great living doing work I loved, and had supportive loving family and friends near. Yet I also noticed that everything good in my life was a result of a change that I had originally resisted. Leaving San Francisco, changing jobs, losing certain relationships, and not getting specific professional opportunities, had resulted in circumstances turning out far better than I had planned.
It was then I realized that change itself is not "bad," and it is not "wrong." It might be painful at times, it might be inconvenient, and it definitely can be scary. But at the same time, every change presents itself with an opportunity and a challenge. The trick of being "young" at any chronological age is to embrace and accept changes, and conversely, it is a sign of aging to fight and resist them. My forty years have shown me that I will have a much easier and happier time if I dance with impending change instead of trying to step on its toes.
**To read an excellent book about embracing life changes at ANY age, please check out Tina Sloan's best-seller "Changing Shoes." You will never see aging or changing the same way again!
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Lesson #10: You Are 100% Responsible For How You Feel
_________________ makes me upset
_________________ hurt my feelings
_________________ is stressing me out!
Now take a look at what is inherent in these words: Blame and power are assigned to people and institutions outside of yourself. If I allow a family member's behavior to determine how I feel then I'm going to be pretty stressed out. You may not have had any control over the circumstances, but the feelings and the meaning you assign to each event are completely in your control, and are your responsibility if you want to empower yourself and enjoy living. This is not the same thing as saying it is acceptable for someone to aggressively and intentionally harm another person. I am simply saying that we get to determine our emotional destiny and how we react to harm if we step up to the task.
When I was younger, I did believe it was other people's fault if I felt bad. I blamed my brother, teachers, students, the President, bad soap writers, right-wing homophobes, partners, bosses, coworkers, and even friends if I wasn't happy. Traditional models of psychotherapy I learned about in school supported this notion that one must search for blame when coping with depression and disturbance.
In my early 30s I came to realize that this was a stale and powerless stance. I read Victor Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning, which described how a concentration camp survivor could take responsibility for finding meaning even in the most painful of circumstances. I studied how Tina Turner and Nelson Mandela survived extremely abusive and oppressive circumstances only to recognize how true liberation takes place in the mind first, situation second. In recent years I learned about the work of Eva Kor, who also is a concentration camp survivor, and speaks out on the power of forgiveness. If they can be responsible for their emotional health, then maybe I'm responsible when I get annoyed with someone at the gym.
So what does taking responsibility for my feelings look like? It means:
- I remind myself constantly of Dr. Albert Ellis's fundamental principle: People are not upset by other people's behavior, they are upset by what they tell themselves about other people's behavior.
- I make a list when I first wake-up of at least five things I am grateful for.
- I stop using language and conversation to blame others for how I am feeling.
- I protect myself from being verbally abused in my daily life.
- I do not engage in social media with individuals who are trying to harm me.
- In any given situation I decide how I want to feel before I go into the situation, and then stick to it!
- I do not expose myself to the media's bullying and fear mongering in the forms of Fox News, CNN, The Today Show, or any other source whose intention is to scare and upset me.
- I continue to read books and blogs written by people who have survived adversity and have something to teach me about surviving in this world.
- I journal write every day to take a stock of my thoughts, my feelings, and see where I need to do some work (and there is always work to be done inside my head).
Staying sane an insane world is a 24/7 job. No one is responsible for my health except for me. I am not perfectly consistent with any of the tips above. But knowing that I am responsible for my wellness offers options and opportunities for how I want to feel about turning forty. I have decided I want to use this turning of numbers to feel strong, healthy, and proud. Either way, I get to choose, and so do you.
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**
Friday, April 15, 2011
Fabulous At Forty: How To Embrace Life And Feel Good At ANY Age Workshop
WHAT: A workshop designed to promote empowerment and fun around getting older, and learning to embrace life at ANY age.
WHEN: April 25th, 2011, at 8pm
WHERE: New York City, 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410
COST: Free, with donations accepted
Aging. We are all going to do it no matter who we are, where we live, or what we believe. Yet I have found there is much intense fear and shame around the most human thing we can possibly do. I will be presenting aspects of the 40 Lessons I've learned to help people of any age realize that the getting older can bring empowerment, fun, and freedom, if they learn how to apply certain tools.
I have been counting down the 40 lessons on this blog that have helped me to live, to love, to laugh, and to cope with loss. These are lessons that make my life easier and more peaceful now, and lessons that would have made my life a lot easier and more peaceful when I was in my twenties. The #1 Lesson that saved my life will be shared at this workshop, so please come by and share this special day with me.
Questions? Write me at Shouldless@gmail.com or call 347-227-7707. See you there!
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
Lesson #11: Pain Is Inevitable, Suffering Is Optional
What does this mean? "Pain" is the automatic involuntary feeling you get when something hurtful happens. If you hit me in the arm, if you say something cruel to me, when someone I love dies, or if ABC put dozens of my friends out of work, I will feel pain. Pain is a normative and unavoidable part of living in this world if you intend to love and attach to others. It is a testament to your connection that you feel pain when something ends. This is not, in my opinion, a "bad" or "unhealthy" thing.
But "suffering" is optional. Suffering is defined as what we tell ourselves about the pain. If I respond to hurt by saying, "I'm a victim," or "This means I can never love again," or "this shouldn't be happening," or "I've wasted my time watching this canceled show," then you will indeed experience suffering in the forms of depression, anger, anxiety, hopelessness, despair. It is unlikely that you will allow yourself to live life to the fullest and have pleasurable and new experiences if you hold on to these beliefs.
Pain is usually out of your control. Choosing not to suffer is your responsibility. If you decide you want to blame people, presidents, or popes for your emotional state, that is indeed an option. It may cost you your physical and emotional health, but hey, at least you'll have a villain for your storyline.
Or you could pursue the easier path of changing your thinking in order to decrease suffering. How does one do this? The final ten lessons of the 40 Lessons of 40 starting tomorrow are the primary tools I use to change my suffering so I can continue to live with serenity, even when I am in incredible emotional pain. They enable me to continue to take risks and care about others despite having experienced loss. And yes, they will help you to care about the soaps, even knowing their existence is temporary. Please join me for these exciting lessons these next ten days.
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Lesson #12: No One Opens Their Mind Or Heart When They Feel Shamed Or Judged
Truth is, in my twenties I was referred to as a "hothead" on more than one occasion. I had a tendency to inappropriately express righteous indignation and outrage about social injustice in classrooms and internship settings. I used liberal left-wing rhetoric as a vehicle for expressing the anger that I had buried throughout my childhood. I could easily present "evidence" as why the object of my attack was a hypocritical homophobic racist sexist bigot. However, in retrospect I can see I accomplished nothing except to make my opponent's argument stronger, and to demonstrate that I was the one who was being close minded and rigid.This is because no one opens their minds or hearts when they feel shamed or judged. In a debate, in a protest, in a meeting, or in a classroom, condemning another person only puts them on the defense, and thereby strengthens their resistance against you. You sabotage your own position when you try to use embarrassment or humiliation to get another person to change. It only results in them fighting back harder, and deepening their original stance. That's all well and good if your intent is to make enemies and create opposition. But if you have an investment in helping others and trying to make the world a better place than how you found it, then remembering this lesson may go a long way to help.
I was on the receiving end of this in the mid 90s while living with a friend in San Francisco. We had worked together at The Patio Cafe and created a very strong bond, so we decided it would be fun to live together. Once we moved in, the friendship completely fell apart, as I found that basic activities such as being considerate and respectful of privacy were not part of his recipe of the ideal homelife. When I opposed constant noise and disruptions, he angrily called me "selfish." He knew that I thought "selfish" was the worst description for any good little liberal, and the shame I experienced hearing that from someone close to me burned deeply. However, I quickly turned it around and said to myself, "Fine, if he thinks I'm selfish then I'm going to be the most selfish son-of-a-bitch he's ever known." I cut off all communication with him, became more intolerant of his insolence, completely ignored his wants and needs, and the friendship was dead after that. His shaming only made me increase the behavior he was intolerant of, and vice-versa.
I think of that situation today as democrats and republicans go head-to-head in heated budget negotiations. How much name calling is going on? How much attack? How much harder is everyone making this painful process by blaming and shaming each other? How much easier could it be if everyone learned techniques for effective communication and conflict resolution?
Motivational Interviewing (MI) is a wonderful technique that I use in personal and professional settings to cut through resistance and find solutions that are satisfactory. It fundamentally lies in respecting the person sitting across from you and finding commonalities in order to collaboratively work on skill building and compassionately resolving conflicts. It entails letting go of the illusion that there is any "right" way that things "should" be done, and instead reframes the situation as, "how do we do get through this together?" I have found that demonstrating authentic respect and dignity for other people, even those whose values are different from mine, goes a long way toward impacting positive and effective change.
I admit that using tools like MI involve more patience and minfulness. When you set forward to change the world with integrity instead of being a "hothead", you may not get as much attention, nor the adrenaline high. But in my forty years I have learned that I am a lot more effective as an activist and as a healer when I withdraw my mental bow and arrow.
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Lesson #13: Showing Up Is 50%
The simple importance of showing up in our lives cannot be overstated. There is no substitute for being physically present at an event, a meeting, an appointment. It is usually the person who shows up consistently who is rewarded with promotions, contracts, and new opportunities. I can't think of one person who has achieved a modicum of success in their lives who has not attested to value of showing up. Wasn't it Madonna who showed up at the hospital bedside of the President of Sire Records, as he was recovering from heart surgery, in order to get her first record contract signed?
In my own life, showing up has served me well. I met David Hancock, the incredibly smart and generous CEO of Morgan-James Publishing by showing up to a workshop where he spoke about entrepreneurial publishing. I talked to him afterward about my idea for "Absolutely Should-less," and he was willing to accept a proposal. I don't believe my book would have been published if not for that physical meeting.
How did I get to do all these interviews with soap stars? I showed up. First I showed up to a concert given by the vastly talented and underrated Ilene Kristen in New York City. At that show I met Roger Newcomb for the first time, and Ilene herself, who gave me my first interview. Following that I kept showing up for events that Roger would show up for as well, and we bonded over fond memories of watching soaps as kids, love for certain actors/actresses, and intense debates about supercouples on Another World. So when he was looking to expand We Love Soaps into a multi-purpose website that would include video, commentaries, interviews, and psychological perspectives, he asked me to join him, in part, because I showed up.
Roger and I have done a lot of showing up over the past two years, and have had a blast covering the Emmy Awards, theater openings, book signings, HIV/AIDS fundraisers, as well as producing several of our own award ceremonies and special fan events. We have worked hard to gain the trust and respect of the actors/actresses that we so admired growing up. And how were we able to do it? All together now: we showed up. Over and over, we showed up with honesty, integrity, and authentic respect.
Many times people have responded to this lesson by saying, "But I don't feel like it." That stance will not help get what you want. I have seen very bright and very loving individuals lose out on amazing opportunities because they don't show up when they don't feel like it. But how often do you feel like brushing your teeth? How often do you feel like waking up in the morning? How often do you feel like taking the garbage out, cleaning the toilet, running to the grocery store? All of us have lives made up of performing a great amount of tasks we didn't feel like doing. It is important to show up even at the moments you just don't feel mentally and emotionally well.
I'm not saying that you have to be like a drill sergeant. I do believe in the value of taking time out if you are truly ill, contagious, or too overwhelmed with grief of sadness to be mentally present. But as a way of life, or as a pattern, calling out sick will not lend itself to enabling people to trust you with important tasks. If you are having trouble showing up in your own life, then please ask for help. Helping people show up physically and mentally in their every day lives is one of the specialties in my private practice, and many therapists and coaches are quite skilled in this area.
There is nothing valuable in my life at this moment that wouldn't be here if I didn't show up. I wouldn't have a therapy practice, a career, a book, and lots of joy, if I didn't show up. Knowing this fundamental and basic lesson helps me to feel more empowered and excited about the opportunities that lie ahead as I grow older.
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
**If you are in the New York City area, please SHOW UP for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Lesson #14: You Only Dislike Things In Others That You Dislike In Yourself
This became obvious to me in my early 30s. By that point I had had about a half dozen internships/job placements, and yet found myself getting annoyed with the same type of people in every job. The slacker, the worrier, the pessimist, the obsessive-compulsive overachiever, the whiner, I kept meeting these people over and over in every position. I had to face facts and admit I was going to be irritated with certain traits regardless of where I worked. I had to realize, "No matter where you go there you are. You move towns, you move jobs, yet you keep running into the same annoying reflections of yourself everywhere. Maybe the problem is YOU."
The only way that was ever going to stop was to take a different stance. Instead of judging and condemning my reflection in others, I decided to work on accepting them. For instance, I worked with a therapist in California who left early every Friday to go play golf, and expected the secretaries to file his notes from the week. It was easy for me to dismiss him as lazy and burnt out. But I had to be brutally honest and admit that I too had had jobs where I did the minimal amount of work expected, cut corners, and made other people pick up the slack. At that same clinic I had a colleague who ran around seeing conflict in every situation, and always predicted the worst case scenario. I took a long hard look at myself and remembered that I had spent a great deal of my life being a drama queen, predicting catastrophic outcomes left and right. I still don't love these aspect of my personality, but I must be truthful about them if I wish to stop getting annoyed by others who do the same thing.
Today I see the same dynamic with the epidemic of bullying, especially when it comes to verbal and emotional violence against gay youth. There is simply no way someone can be threatened by a gay person unless they are gay themselves. Someone who is truly heterosexual has no cause to be scared, nervous, or unsettled by the existence of someone who is homosexual (or perceived as homosexual). This point was beautifully illustrated on an episode of Glee last year, when a bully who terrorized an openly gay student turned and desperately kissed him. It showed that those who express hate toward gays only do so because of the fear of their own homosexuality.
This lesson has completely set me free as I grow older. It has taught me to understand that when someone doesn't like me, it is not because of me, but the part of themselves they recognize in me. I am fully aware that I am completely annoying to co-workers who choose to be depressed. I am that unrelenting half-full cup guy, and that has irked many who want to see themselves as victims in a such a "cruel harsh world." This does not mean I have to change or alter who I am, and neither do they! They are simply pointing fingers at the uncomfortable reflections of themselves, it is no more personal than when I was judging the slacker golf player
We can all be the change we want to see by taking a little more responsibility. If you say you want live in a world without bullying then stop condemning others. If you say you want to live in a world without war, then stop practicing attack with your coworkers. Challenge yourself to stand up and face the parts of yourself that you see reflected in others. If everyone did this the world truly would change.
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
**If you are in the New York City area, please come to Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**
Monday, April 11, 2011
Lesson #15: The World Is Not Ending
In the 1980s, an overzealous and excitable relative of mine sat me down and told me how President Reagan and the Russians were building nuclear arms that would be sure to result in massive death and destruction. The war never happened. I lost a lot of sleep.
Throughout the late 1990s the media focused on the Y2K frenzy. It prophesied that the changing of numbers in the the Christian calendar would result in financial and nuclear calamities all across the globe resulting in, you guessed it, massive death and destructive. The meltdown never happened. I lost some sleep, but not a lot.
After September 11, 2001, the U.S. government had us believing that terrorists in Iraq were actively building nuclear arms with the intention of destroying more American lives. They used charts and graphs and red alerts to create widespread panic that massive death and destructive would be a regular way of American life. I didn't lose much sleep.
I have been told everyday of my forty years on this planet that massive calamity is going to kill me and everyone I know, and frankly, I'm over it. I am tired of losing energy and sleep to a piece of fiction that is intended to hurt and scare me. The media, the government, the weather reports, my crazy relatives, have all lost credibility with me in the tragedy department. I am completely absolved of buying into their hysteria and fear.
So now, when I get a load of the latest catastrophic craze called "2012," all I can do is snicker. The question, "What's the point?" is completely rhetorical, because the goal of predicting mass death and destruction is so transparently ugly. Scare the masses, and they will be easily controlled. They will vote with fear, they will pray with fear, they will spend money with fear, they will raise children with fear, and then their bodies will need medicines to deal with the consequences of the fear. Period.
The "news" has never served any purpose except to instruct me how terrible things could get. My "news" is very different. I live in a city where I see acts of kindness, grace, and resilience every day. I witness people on the subway giving up seats for one another, helping each other with directions. Two days ago a woman came after me in a subway station after I dropped one of my gloves. This is a far cry from the New York City the media wants you to know about.
At my last job in an outpatient drug clinic, I witnessed my own "news" every day. I saw mothers give up drugs in order to raise their children. I saw men learn to use words to express anger instead of their fists. I saw two dozen adults vote for the first time in the 2008 Presidential Elections. And I saw people making conscientious choices every day to give up harmful addictive behavioral patterns in favor of more serene and gratifying ways of living. This is the "news" that I know, and the "news" you will never see on CNN.
The world is not ending. Not today, not tomorrow, not in 2012. Will bad things happen? Inevitably. But forty years has taught me that I have no ability to predict or control the events that hurt me the most, and I'm pretty good at handling the sad things that do happen. If I'm wrong and get blown up tomorrow, then at least I'll die well rested with low blood pressure. What do you think?
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
**If you are in the New York City area, please come to Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**
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