Should-less Relationship Principle #1: Acceptance

Should-less relationships promote acceptance of others and ourselves.

Acceptance is an essential element in having any type of relationships with others. Please note: There is nothing here that says you have to like every aspect of the person you are with. But if you wish to have happier, more peaceful, and more satisfying experiences with others, then you had better learn some ways to accept other humans for who they are, versus who you want them to be.

This may seem completely opposite to what seems right and logical to you. If this sounds completely nuts, then it would could be beneficial for you to consider how you have learned what you think you know about being in a relationship with another person. Everything you know about being in with other people is something you learned along the way. None of us were born into this world saying, “My husband should pick up his underwear off the floor.” Somewhere along the way you learned this. You may not remember when and where, you may have been too young to exactly recall how you received these message. But now that you’re reading this blog you are aware you have a choice about how to see your partner, and how to react.

Unfortunately, most of us have learned that being in a relationship means that you “should” change someone else. Movies such as “My Fair Lady” or “Grease” powerfully convey the notion that a woman should fundamentally alter everything about herself in order to be loved. Daytime talk shows brutally reinforce this notion with special “makeover” episodes which convey messages that one’s value is in her appearance. Comedians frequently utilize the joke about a spouse that “should” change for comic fodder.

Along with these messages inevitably comes the idea that you should change yourself in order to be loved. You should lose weight, dress better, make more money, drive a better car, learn to be a better lover, get rid of wrinkles, know all the right things to say, go to a prestigious university, see the right movies, all so you can get others to like you. See anything wrong with this picture?

Acceptance is the complete opposite of using “shoulds” on yourself and the people around you. It means that you allow all things to be as they are, even if you don’t like how they are in this moment. You stop fighting with reality, and acknowledge that other people are doing their best even if you don’t like how they are doing it. Or as Dolly Parton may say, “It’s all wrong but it’s alright.”
In order to practice acceptance, you must be willing to be humble. This does not entail thinking less of yourself or anyone else, it’s quite the opposite. Being humble simply means you acknowledge, “I do not truly know how others should be. I may think I do, but I am not God and do not know everything.” Try saying that three times. How did that feel? It may initially feel scary to make such a proclamation. But over time you will most likely feel a sense of relief. When you let go of knowing how things “should” be and how other people “should” act, you will most likely experience more peace and freedom in your relationships with others.

To some this may sound like, “Fine, you’re saying that I can just let every one do what they want even if it hurts me or really annoys me.”

Not at all! Being in a “should-less relationship” doesn’t mean you “lie down and take it.” If you were to become a doormat for other people’s problems then that certainly would not promote fulfillment in your connections with others. The goal of practicing acceptance is to find peace, not to create more suffering. Sometimes this means learning a different way to communicate concerns or frustrations. For example,:

Should-filled relationship: You’re really messing up your credit, Nicole. You should stop spending money you don’t have, and you should stop being so damned materialistic. You’re really going to be in trouble if you keep going like that, and don’t think I’ll be there to bail you out when you do.
Should-less relationship: I’m concerned about some of the choices you’re making, Nicole. Your spending seems to be hurting you, and could hurt your credit rating in the long run. Can we talk about your options right now? I can’t do this for you, but together we can discuss healthier steps.

What are the differences you see in these examples? In the first the speaker sounds angry, annoyed, and emotionally invested in the spending choices Nicole makes. In the second example, the speaker is aware of the problem, concerned, willing to take action to help, but ultimately allows Nicole to find her own way without such a strong emotional investment. Which example allows the speaker to practice acceptance and feel more peaceful?

“But Nicole may still go out and destroy her credit.” Yes, this is true, and will be true regardless of how much stress and agony the speaker is going through. In the first example, the speaker uses anger and shame to get Nicole to break down her will. In the second example, the speaker uses compassion and respect to encourage Nicole to make better decisions. In my experience, people are more motivated to make healthy choices when they are feeling appreciated and respected.

Either way you have a choice in how you want to be in your own relationship. If you are looking for ways to change yourself and/or your partner, then you are a bound to feel stressed out, resentful, and frustrated in your relationships. If you are willing to accept other people, "warts" and all, then you are on your way to having a lot more fun.