I Don't Think Any Women Are That Stupid, Sarah Palin.

John McCain announced his choice for vice-president this week. In a blatant attempt to win over disgruntled Hillary Clinton voters, he chose Sarah Palin, an inexperienced running mate who stands opposed to women's reproductive rights, gay marriage, and doesn't have a great track record with the environment either. The obvious logic behind this choice was that some Hillary supporters would say, "Hey, I want a woman in the White House one way or another, I'll take this one over none at all."

Will this strategy work? Time will soon tell. I just can't believe that female voters who supported Hillary Clinton would be swayed to vote for a candidate so diametrically opposed to the issues she cherishes. The McCain camp are clearly counting on female voters to ignore these differences and base their vote purely on gender. But I don't think any women are that stupid, or that easily duped. Do you?

I must admit that politics are a wonderful opportunity for me to use the tools of living life Absolutely Should-less, especially when things are not going the way I prefer. The last eight years have provided nearly daily challenges to choosing peace over bitter righteousness. I have decided to stay on that path regardless of the outcome of this election. Are you with me?

Liquid Shoulds

I was in an environment this week in which drinking a liquid of any kind, including water, was banned. After the initial shock of forbidding water in 85 degree weather wore off, my shoulds took over. See, after an unfortunate encounter with dehydration last year, I learned my lesson about the value of drinking water, constantly. It is not only important to me now for medical reasons, but the implementing of an anti-water policy appeared random and petty.

So when this gauntlet came down, my knee-jerk response was anger and outrage. Fortunately, I have learned that when my righteous indignation is kicked up, it is much to my benefit to ask myself some questions outlined in "Absolutely Should-less" before acting up. I focused on the should: They shouldn't be trying to stop me from drinking water.

"How did you learn they shouldn't try to stop you from drinking water?"
I learned this from my doctor. But I also think there has to be some sort of law that protects you from being dehydrated. I can't think of any other place where I am told I can't drink water.

"How does it feel to think this should?"
Angry, stressed, and rather thirsty.

"Who profits or benefits from this should?"
I suppose Dasani water does pretty well from my water consumption. But when I get angry and stressed like this, it definitely affects my sleep. So I'm sure Starbucks also profits from my righteous shoulds. Eventually if I get upset enough then I'm sure my doctor will end up profiting, as well as the company that makes whatever medicines he may need to prescribe, (which would defeat the purpose of drinking lots of water anyway).

"Who would you be without this should?"
I'd be much more at peace, much more relaxed, able to actually take appropriate action effectively instead of ranting aimlessly.

"And do you want to be right or happy today?"
After indulging in some righteousness, I decide to have happiness.

And with this last question, I was reminded I have a choice. I could be that angry stressed out guy, or I could access peace at any moment I wanted to. I chose the latter. And with that peace, I went to my doctor, got a note, brought it back to the environment, and have been happily drinking water ever since.

Many mistakenly operate under the notion that being at peace means you do nothing when approached with conflict. I have known plenty of political activists who believe the only way to bring about social change is to constantly should others. The only problem is, shoulds NEVER are effective in opening up people's minds, or their hearts.

In my case, it was clear that my shoulds were leading to more suffering. So I chose an easier path. I chose to be happy. And from a place of happiness, not anger, I took the appropriate steps I needed to take to stand up for myself and my right to hydrate.

Now I'm going to enjoy a tall glass of ice water. Thank you for reading!

Olympic Sized Shoulds

I'm just going to say it. All the media coverage of the Olympics for as long as I can remember has one underlying unquestioned "should": America should win. But I can't help but wonder, WHY?

Now let me clarify something. I'm not against America winning -- I honestly couldn't care less. What I am concerned with are the psychological consequences of such unquestioned values in our culture. What does winning really mean? Will it help our failing economy? Will it prevent more unemployment? Will it mean we'll live in a country where people are happier and treat each other with more kindness? History would suggest not.

Which brings me to the individuals who face the brunt of these beliefs. Sure, if you go along with the "shoulds" of winning you get wonderful media press, and maybe your face on a cereal box. But if you have the audacity to compete and lose, forget about it. You are then challenging the status quo; the American notion that, "We are a country of winners only." And you WILL face the consequences of going against this oppressive viewpoint.

Don't believe me? Check out the coverage of Alicia Sacramone's performance today on Google. This 20-year-old is being raked over the coals in the nation's leading papers for failing to win first place. Never mind that the United States still came in SECOND place out of eight. Never mind this is a human being who has devoted every day of the past four years to representing her country proudly. Never mind this is a young woman who has feelings.

Because she made an error she must pay. Because she failed to fulfill the mandated "should" about winning, she will face the judge and jury of the media. The same press that puts Michael Phelps on a throne is now spiritually tying Ms. Sacramone to the stake. Let's all try to be mindful of how this preoccupation with victory leads to "shoulding" and scapegoating others, before more spirits get sunk.

My Should-less Publication Date

Having a book published has been one of the most exciting experiences of my life. When I learned that "Absolutely Should-less" was going to be released by Morgan-James Publishing in September, 2008, I started counting the days.

Then I learned it's being pushed back to November 1.

Immediately the should came to me, "no, they should publish it in September!" I noticed myself starting to feel frustrated. So I used to tools in the book to explore some thoughts:

"How do you know it should come out in September?"
Honestly, I don't. And actually, when I think about it, many of the positive things that have happened in my life did not happen when I thought they "should." I have no way of truly knowing when anything "should" happen, so there's no point in arguing with what is happening now.

"How do you feel when you think the book should come out in September?"
I feel frustrated, impatient, bummed out.

"What would one day be like without this should?"
It would be much easier because I wouldn't be controlling things I have no control over.

"Replace it."
I would have preferred for the book to come out in September as originally planned, but I'm so glad it's coming out at all, and I am determined to enjoy this process either way.

When I think that last thought I feel at peace, much more accepting with what is happening around me. And because I prefer this feeling, I know I'll be using this tool again.

The Problem With Shoulds 7: Using fear to control

"Shoulds" demand that we essentially play cop while monitoring our actions and the actions of others. They require us to spend great amounts of time and energy reviewing behaviors and determining how they should be done differently.

Historically, individuals in society were motivated to act in ways which would avoid incurring the wrath of a king or a god. Today, people are more motivated to act in ways which would avoid incurring the disapproval of their friends and family.

Shoulds lead to extreme fears of embarrassment and social exclusion. We know that we will not get struck down by a god or legally exiled by a sovereign if we get fat. But the internal shame and social stigma can be far more powerful. It is this self-other regulation that causes us to walk around feeling anxious, alienated, afraid, and exhausted. Our bodies will not be put in prison for gaining weight, but our minds will.

This is the 7th and last of my "Problem With Shoulds" blogs (until I can think of some more!). From here on I intend to use every day examples to demonstrate the principles outlined in my book. Keep coming back and reading!

Shoulds and Social Change (The Problem With Shoulds #6)

"Should" has always been used to maintain power imbalances and oppression. "The status quo," is a Latin term for "the ways things were before." Society has much invested in keeping things "the way they were before." Change is scary for anyone, especially for individuals in positions of power. Politicians, corporate leaders, religious figures -- anyone who feels threatened by change will tend to cling tightly to the status quo and use "should" as a means of manipulating others into doing the same.

Every minority group that has struggled for equal rights has had to confront this. The Civil Rights movement of the 1960's, The Women's movement of the 1970's, and currently those pushing ahead for gay/lesbian rights have had to deal with and dismantle traditional and oppressive "shoulds." Seen this way, living Absolutely Should-less is not only a valuable commitment to your own mental and spiritual health, but it is also a powerful statement in favor of social change.

Shoulds and Safe Sex (The Problem with Shoulds #5)

"Should" is an ineffective motivator for behavioral change. When it is being used to shame someone to work harder, make healthier choices, or produce more, it does not generate the intended results for any sustainable period of time. Many employers mistakenly operate under the belief that if they use should with their employees, then the employees will want to work harder and conform to standards. But do you remember a time when a boss has told you that you should do something? Did it really make you want to do it?

Safer sex is also an area where "should" is frequently used to promote a certain behavior. For over 25 years, HIV educators have tried to use fear and shoulds to motivate people to use condoms more frequently, with varied results. Why is this? If people know how HIV is spread, and if they know it can kill you, why wouldn't it follow suit that they would always use condoms 100% of the time?

How motivated do YOU feel when you are told you should do anything? In the long-term, "shoulds" have not been found to sustain healthy behavior patterns. This holds just as true for antismoking campaigns and anti-drug messages, and other such instances in which educators continue to ponder how and why individuals would engage in self-destructive behavior patterns knowing all the facts. Why don't they work? Because "shoulds" do not change the beliefs or thoughts that created the problematic behavior in the first place. If I don't value my body as deserving of happiness and health, it won't matter what shoulds someone is addressing toward me, I will still abuse it with drugs and unsafe sex.

When it is demonstrated to people that they can make choices that are fundamentally based in love and respect, as opposed to fear and shame, then the likelihood that someone will take positive steps consistently is increased. Reframing these choices may include saying, "I decide not to abuse drugs," "I choose to prioritize my health and therefore use condoms with sex," "I choose to quit smoking not because I should, but out of a sense of honor for me, for my body, and for those who love me." All involve changing perception first, behaviors second.

Is there ANYTHING Meryl Streep Can't Do?

No, seriously. I'm starting to wonder what would have happened if she had gone up against Obama in this past election. Because after seeing 'Mamma Mia', I'm pretty sure Meryl Streep can take over the world if she chooses. From dramas to comedies, historical and contemporary, countless accents and white river rafting, and now singing and dancing, Meryl Streep gives new meaning to doing things your own way on your own terms.

In an industry where women, especially women over 40, are inundated with insidious and complex shoulds such as, "you should be toothpick thin, you should look 30 when you're 60," Ms. Streep stands alone. She defies these oppressive and dehumanizing shoulds, and demonstrates more talent, depth, versatility, and sensuality now than ever before.

Whether you love or hate 'Mamma Mia' there is no doubt it blasts down the Hollywood wall that says men and women over 50 should only be supportive, quiet, and asexual. It gets Should-less kudos from me for that!

The Problem With Shoulds #4: Responsibility

"Should" absolves the speaker of all personal responsibility. When you say, "I should go now," what are you really saying? That you have no desires or preferences of your own? When you say, "we should break up," who is truly making that decision? Was there a vote taken somewhere?

Even a seemingly benign statement such as "I should go to the gym tonight," or "I should call my mother," carry meaning. By disavowing your own needs and wants, you never have to take ownership or authorization for your life. You can then defer your actions to that invisible universal committee that doesn't exist. This frequently results in blaming others for your problems and identifying yourself as a victim.

Living life Absolutely Should-less means taking back your responsibility, and your sense of efficacy. Examples of such statements might be, "I choose to leave now," "I want for this relationship to end," "I'd prefer to go to the gym tonight," or "I honor my mother by calling her."

It's using every day language to convey that YOU are in control of your self, not "them".

What do you think?

Happy Birthday Nelson Mandela!

Happy Birthday Nelson Mandela

I couldn't let this day go by without writing a heartfelt happy birthday wish to an individual for whom I am profoundly grateful.

His political conviction and spiritual integrity is an inspiration worldwide. For me personally, he is a living symbol of resisting oppressive and tyrannical "shoulds." This great man grew up in a country that constantly communicated to him, "you should be subjugated, you should be miserable, you should not have the same rights as others." Even after serving a 27-year prison term, he was able to stand up against such messages and ascend politically.

His legacy is a reminder to me that no matter what anyone does to me or says about me that I have a CHOICE to believe that my life deserves love, meaning, and happiness. I too can resist the harmful "shoulds" I confront daily that try to threaten my mental and spiritual health.

So thank you Mr. Mandela. Thank you for your honor, for your leadership, for your actions.