Resisting Gift-Giving Pressure From Others

I just received a wonderful letter from the reader of this blog:

"Just read your blog about the Shouldless Xmas gifts. I am glad you wrote about it. I also recently had an experience with my follow students at school. All the students wanted donations for a Holiday party and to buy the teacher a gift, for being such a "good teacher" as they phrased it. I personally and honestly do NOT think he is a good teacher, so I told them I was NOT giving any money for it or the party. They of course naturally got surprised and angry. I personally do not care, because they do not pay my taxes, rent and food....Plus, I am NOT working Full-time and I am living of my resources.  In anycase, I do NOT want to go into my private financial pity episode with my colleagues, because it is none of their business and not their problem. So, I take the consequences as NO BIG loss and they shall get over it! As Dr. Albert Ellis once said: 'I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR DISFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOR!' "

This statement incorporates several tips from my earlier post  about Resisting Gift-Giving Shoulds.  She recognized that (1) Fellow students may judge for not spending money, but they won't pay her bills later, and (2) People may be thrown off center when you don't spend as they think you "should," but your real friends will respect you for taking care of yourself.  This reader found a beautiful way to find peace by living on her own terms as opposed to other people's "shoulds." Are you finding the same?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Should-less Ipod

This may be completely off-topic, but I think this is a valuable piece of information for anyone who has become completely addicted to their iPod, as I have.  Earlier today on my way to work my iPod died.  It simply went to sleep and didn't wake up.  When I got home, it did not connect with my computer.  I was getting ready to bury the thing and figure out how to budget to get a new one.

Then I found this helpful piece of information online:

Reset Click Wheel Ipod (newer ipods including resetting an ipod video)
1. Flip the Hold switch on and off and make sure it ends up no longer on hold.
2. Press and hold the Menu and Select buttons (center Button) until the Apple logo appears (may take 5-11 seconds, and you may need to repeat this step)

I did these steps and viola!  My iPod came back to life.  All the music, all the settings still there.

It can be easy when we are stressed about holidays to slow down and problem solve effectively.  This was a reminder to me (1) not to put my affection and faith into mechanical objects that will at some point die, and (2) ask for help when said mechanical object fails.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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How to Resist Gift-Giving "Shoulds"!

Holidays, especially Christmas, are the perfect time to practice living life Absolutely Should-less.  During these last few weeks of every year, regardless of your religion, all of us are bombarded with an excessive flurry of “shoulds” coming at us in all directions.  Family, media, coworkers, department stores, pretty much everywhere you look the message is clear: “You should be buying things.”  The consequence of this is that it results in many people feeling guilty, sad, inadequate, even unlovable.

For many, spending an excessive amount of money is simply not possible.  I know parents who spend the entire year working, struggling, and sacrificing in order to provide food, clothes, safe housing, heat, and school supplies for their children.  An admirable feat, definitely.  But then Christmas comes around and guess what?  None of that matters.  Because adults and kids are all getting the same message -- gifts are more important than love.  “You should give your children expensive gifts to let them know how much you love them.”  See anything faulty about this logic? 

There is an easier way to live in this life.  You can challenge the status quo by choosing to be should-less, and even opting not to give presents if that would be a compromise to your happiness (or for you wallet!).  Unfortunately, choosing to be happier with less shoulds can involve some rejection and disapproval from others.  Deciding one year not to buy Christmas presents, or give birthday gifts, or not to send a card for any “holiday” invented by the card companies, can make you rather unpopular in your family.  Any time anyone breaks away from the status quo they risk some social consequences.  If you are concerned about this, please keep the following in mind: 

Tips for resisting gift giving "shoulds"

1.  This is your life and your life only.  Relatives and friends may judge you for not spending money, but they won’t pay your bills a month later.
2.  People may be thrown off center when you think or act differently.  They may react with surprise or hostility.  But the ones in your life who truly care about you will see how much happier you are.  They will want to support you in living a peace-filled life, and not going into great amounts of debt. 
3.  Sometimes it is better not to give others everything they want for holidays or birthdays.  In fact, by always giving someone gifts at these times, you may unwittingly be sending them a message that love should be expressed primarily through material gifts. 
4.  It can be quite beneficial to teach others, especially children, how to save and budget their own money.  If they are always getting material items they want, then there is no reason for them to learn how to financially plan. 
5.  By not giving in to societal shoulds, you may be helping someone else in ways you can’t even realize.  By acting in a healthy way, you give others permission to do the same.  There may be someone in your family suffering more financial duress than you, who finds incredible relief when you’re the first one to stand up against holiday/birthday shoulds.  Her shame about her financial situation may have prevented her from speaking up, but because you have done it, that road is paved. 

Holidays can be a wonderfully fun and peaceful time for you and your loved ones.  Or they can be a living hell. Which are you choosing?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Holiday "shoulds"

Yup, the holiday season is here!  This is that special time of year when most people are bombarded with constant and insidious "shoulds" from children, parents, spouses, partners, media, culture, department stores, advertisements, and about a dozen other sources.  Is it any wonder why people experience more stress, anxiety, and substance abuse this time of year?  Do we really have to question why there are 5% more heart related deaths in December than any other time?

Going through the holidays with "shoulds" dictating how you think and what you do is like living in prison.  Those steel bars may have been created and sustained by the external sources around you.  Fortunately, YOU have the key to your freedom, that is, celebrating life without "shoulds."

Over the next few weeks on this blog I will be presenting various tips/tools/insights on how to cope with the holidays without "shoulds", or at the minimum, with less "shoulds."  It is my strongest intention that anyone reading will begin to assert their power over destructive "shoulds" and have their most peaceful and fulfilling holiday season ever.

As always, comments are welcomed here, or email me at Shouldless@gmail.com with any thoughts or questions. 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Why I Do It

In honor of World AIDS Day, I wanted to do my part to share education and information about the current HIV Vaccine Trials taking place across the United States.

I first heard about these studies four years ago. At that time I noticed I was no longer seeing HIV presented in the media as a crisis. However, people I knew were still being infected, friends were still getting ill, my clients were still struggling, and families and loved ones were still suffering. I felt frustrated that 25 years into this epidemic we didn't seem any closer to seeing the end of it, and that the younger generation appeared dangerously oblivious to the risks of contracting this disease.

That’s when I learned about the HIV Vaccine Trials taking place in New York and many cities around the United States. It appeared that this was the answer I was waiting for, this was the change I was waiting to see. If one could be vaccinated and protected from ever becoming HIV infected, it would certainly promote physical and emotional wellness in myself and my community.

Sure, I had trepidations about receiving an experimental vaccine. So I took the time to educate myself. I talked to the nurse at Project Achieve,  I did research, and I asked questions. I weighed the possibility of minimal side effects against the potential of global benefits, and concluded that this was the right thing for me to do. I agreed to receive injections of either the vaccine or placebo, and agreed to come in for follow up blood draws for several years after.

The side effects, if any, were anticipated to be mild flu-like symptoms and fatigue for 24 hours after receiving the injection. To be honest, this part did not thrill me. But then I realized that some minor flu-like side effects were minimal compared to the discomfort and illness many of my loved ones with HIV had gone through. And with that, I agreed.

Over the next six months I received the three injections. And yes, I did have minor flu-like symptoms and fever for a short duration after receiving each injection. However, instead of that bothering me, it became something I perceived as positive. I realized that what was happening to my body was going to directly assist the researchers in learning how to eliminate this disease from our world. Generations from now, children would be as familiar with HIV as today’s generation is with polio, in part thanks to my efforts. I was willing to endure any side effects of discomfort with that goal in mind.

I now work for Project Achieve doing outreach and education about the trials around New York City. The current clinical trials are taking place now in several cities in the United States.  You can press here to find out if it is happening in a city near you.

This is an opportunity to actively take part in the solution. This is a chance to honor those that have passed, and their families that miss them. This is a chance for volunteers to take pride in knowing they are doing their part to change the world. Participating in the HIV vaccine trials gave my life a new sense of meaning and purpose. Will you consider giving yours the same?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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