Should-less Relationship Principle #4: Setting Your Own Rules

Should-less relationships create their own standards and set their own rules.

Way too often, we assume that the people we are dating and connecting with share the same values as ourselves. These values may include everything and anything from where to live, what to eat, what kind of friends to have, how to spend leisure time. They may also relate to values such as child rearing, monogamy, spending money, addressing medical care. If you are automatically assume that the person you are with has the same standards and priorities as yourself, then you could be in for a some disappointment.

Of course we always want to think that our way of doing things is definitely the “right” way to do it. You may have learned the toilet paper “should” get pulled from over the top, and your partner may be absolutely convinced it should be from under. It might be easy to laugh how such an issue can be a source of strife between two people, but then think about what happens when the conflict comes down to money, sex, or taking care of an elderly relative. How do you negotiate who is “right” and how things “should” be?

The obvious answer in a blog about living “should-less” is that there are no absolutely right or wrong answers to any of these issues. Or to put it another way, there is no rule book telling you and your partner how you should live, what you should do, and what decisions you should make. You and your significant other are completely responsible for figuring out together what standards and agreements you are going to follow. From toilet paper to toddlers, from marriage to monogamy, you are setting your self up for failure if you automatically assume your partner is going to follow the same set rules as yourself. Unless you are living in a cult or a compound (and then unlikely reading this), you are living in a diverse society where societal values and norms are changing constantly. If you want the satisfaction and peace that a loving relationship has to offer you, then you may wish to create a set of agreements and standards with your partner that is agreeable for both of you.



As an example:

Should-filled relationship:  You should come with me to visit my mother on Sunday, that’s simply what good people do.

Should-less relationship: I would like your company when I visit my mother on Sunday. I hope you’ll come with me. But either way I choose to be at peace and hope you’ll make the choice that is right for you.

In the “should-filled” example, the speaker is trying to use “should” and social conformity to control what their partner does. In the “should-less” example, the speaker accepts that their partner may or may not come with them, but respects them either way, knowing that there are no hard and fast rules about visiting someone’s mother that everyone in a diverse society will agree upon. The speaker is practicing acceptance, staying in the here-and-now, and taking full responsibility for her or his own mood state.

What do you think? Is this more "BS"? Or is there some merit to communicating and co-creating standards with your loved one? Please, discuss!