Prop 8 Shoulds (Part Two)

Last week I began writing a piece on staying “should-less” and choosing happiness even in the midst of being denied the legal right to marry, as California did with Proposition 8. But how is this possible when you live in a state or an area that doesn’t support your fundamental human rights?

I promise you it is possible if you keep the following in mind:

1. You always have the right to choose to be happy in ANY situation. No matter what anyone else is saying to you or about you, you can choose not to buy into their insanity or their cruelty. No one has the power to take your humanity unless you give it to them. Don’t believe me? Try reading Victor Frankl’s, “Man’s Search For Meaning,” or Tina Turner’s, “I, Tina.” These individuals make strong testaments in favor of determining your own emotional/spiritual path, even in the face of personal and political oppression.

2. Choosing to act the victim role plays into the oppressor’s hands. If you choose to live your life at the effect of other people’s choices, you will be letting them win. Anytime you compromise your mental, physical, or spiritual wellness because of another person’s ignorance, you are giving them what they want. By asserting your right to be happy and proud in all areas of your life, you are diminishing their ability to hurt you and the people you love.

3. You cannot control what other people think or do. You can control how your react to what others think or do. In my own experience, expending energy on what others think and do will leave me tired, exhausted, angry, and burnt out. This hardly puts me in a position to be an effective activist, or inspire others to change. However, I can have an impact and an affect on what others think or do if I have chosen peace and happiness within myself first. It is only through doing your own work that you can motivate others to change.

4. Nobody opens their minds or hearts when they are being judged or condescended to. Nobody. So if you’re out there yelling at people that they “should” support you, it really won’t help. People may change their minds when they feel they are being listened to and respected. Throwing bottles or vandalizing churches hardly encourages anyone to change their political views.

5. “To be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others,” Nelson Mandela. Are you behaving in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others? Are you respecting that partner you want to marry? I can’t tell you how many activists I have known who stand up for human rights in the world, then ignore or abuse their loved ones at home, or are cruel to their co-workers. By demonstrating compassion and love for people you know, you are in fact making a powerful political statement about the rights of others.

Please consider these ideas as you go forward in your work this week. It’s easy to choose suffering. It’s harder to make the most radical choice of all: Happiness.

My appearance on "Up Close and Personal"

I can't tell you how thrilled I am to have been a guest on Bonnie D. Graham's wonderful show, "Up Close and Personal" back on November 7th. If you'd like to hear it, follow the link below.


http://web.mac.com/bafosterpd/BonnieRadioPodcasts/Bonnie_Radio_Podcasts/Entries/2008/11/7_WGBB_-_BDG_Episode_78.html

Prop 8 Shoulds

Like so many others, I am frustrated and saddened by the passing of Proposition 8 in my homestate of California. It is sickening that the majority of adults voted in favor of banning legal same-sex marriage, and illuminates some deeply entrenched distortions in many people’s thinking.

But I am also aware that any time I am feeling upset or angry, I can choose to feel peace and acceptance. IF I am willing. I am also painfully aware that many activists perceive themselves as needing to remain in a constant state of anger and victimization in order to feel productive. They are often unwilling to consider that happiness is always an option—even without legal validation of same sex relationships. By challenging “shoulds” I have learned it is possible to be politically active, and feel peace at the same time.

Here’s how this works with my should, “Gays and Lesbians Should Be Allowed To Legally Marry.”

Q: How did I learn this “should?”
A: I learned it from my friends and clients over the years, particularly those that went through traumatizing legal issues after their same sex partner died. Without legal protections, people I know and love have lost their homes, their savings, even their children.

Q: How do you feel when you think this “should?”
A: I feel hurt, angry, like I want to strike back at one of these political or religious organizations that want to take away people’s rights. Then eventually I feel achey and tired.

Q: And who profits off your “should”?
A: Anyone who voted in favor of the marriage ban profits off my “should.” Because when I get angry, my body reacts. My muscles hurt, my head aches, my blood pressure goes up, my stomach thumps, and I don’t sleep well. This makes me a lot less effective in being active or outspoken about the injustices around me.
The conservative power base who want to deny me legal rights have a lot at stake in my being miserable. If they want me to be unhappy and stressed out, then I make their job a lot easier when I make MYSELF miserable with my thoughts.

Q: Who would you be without this “should”
A: I would be a person who could be happy and fulfilled, even when half the state of California doesn’t want to me to be. I would be someone who feels personally and emotionally empowered, despite what the law tells me about myself.

Q: Replace it.
A: I would prefer that same-sex couples have equal legal rights in ALL states. It would be legally and emotionally advantageous for everyone to be able to have their relationship validated. But either way no one has the power to determine how I feel about my partner or anyone else...unless I give it to them.



From doing this “should-less” questioning, I am feeling more hopeful, and more peaceful. And it is from this place of acceptance that I know I am more effective in my actions and communications with others. Over the next few weeks I plan to write more tips about ways to engage in “should-less” protesting. Please come back and share with me your responses.

The Book Is Out!

I just have to say it is astounding and amazing to see the book is out there now. I can't thank everyone enough who has been reading this blog, giving me feedback, and considering how great a world without "shoulds" can really be.

The book is now available on most internet outlets, including Amazon, Tower, Barnes & Noble.

If you've read it, please let me know what you think. Even if you think it stinks!

Wall Street Shoulds

Like every one else, I have been horrified these last few weeks, witnessing the stock market jump up and down, and up, and down, to today's lowest point since 2004. How does one remain Absolutely Should-less in such a market? Not easily, I tell ya.

It's easy to be "spiritual" and "feel good" when things are going well. But when the chips are down, (and they will be down for awhile), then that is the time for you and I to step up and do the inner work we are capable of. Marianne Williamson has spoken about our tendency to be "lazy" spiritual students at times. Jacob Glass points out how easy it is to get "distracted" from the truth we hold within by the disasters of this world. I agree with both, because images such as this tend to make me lazy and distracted:




So how does one remain Absolutely Should-less in light of these uncontrollable circumstances?
This is how I'm dealing with my should, "The Stock Market should stop falling."

How do you feel when you think, "The Stock Market should stop falling?"
I feel anxious, afraid, worried, annoyed.

Who is making a profit off your "Should?"
Certainly CNN is profiting from my need to obsess over this event, as well as Suze Orman, who I keep hoping will shed light and hope in this area. If I can't sleep, then Starbucks will profit from my fear, as well as my doctor, and the makers or whatever sleep meds he wants to prescribe. If I over eat when I'm worried, then Ben & Jerry's and the pizza place down the street will certainly profit from my "should."

What would one day be like without this "should?"
One day without this should would be very relaxing. I'd probably end up spending less money on coffee and food that I didn't need.

Who would you be without this "should?"
I would be someone whose happiness wasn't dependent on the poor decisions of Wall Street brokers. I would be someone who recognized that my peace and satisfaction is within me, and not contingent on the numbers I see on my computer screen, or the fluctuations in my bank account.

Replace It.
I would prefer that the Stock Market stops falling. I really hope things stabilize soon. But even if things get worse, I have a choice to be more happy, less stressed.

And with that, I feel better. It doesn't solve the problem, it does not absolve me of all my stress and worry. But it helps me to realize I have a choice in this matter. I can choose to make the falling points on wall street my God-like source of agony and stress. Or I can choose to seek happiness from different sources.

What other sources? The changing of leaves in New York City in autumn. The kids laughing on the subway. Seeing my partner's smile in the morning. THESE are the investments I'm going to be making the rest of the week.

What investments are you willing to focus on in order to have more peace this week?

Sleepless Shoulds

For as long as I can remember I have had problems getting to sleep. I can get pretty hyped up at night, which doesn't fit in well with having a nine to five work schedule. Not sleeping at night used to bring up much frustration. I would curse the birds chirping in the morning, and beg not to see the first hint of sun peeking through the window.

Fortunately, when I started challenging the thought, "I should get plenty of sleep at night," I felt better. Here's how I apply it now in the middle of one of these aggravated sleepless nights:

"How did you learn that you should get plenty of sleep at night?"
I certainly get bombarded with 'studies' that tell me I should be getting rest. I know I had parents who did their very best to get me to sleep at night. Teachers, doctors, all say I should get plenty of rest.

"But is this true for everyone everywhere 24/7?"
No, plenty of people can function without a proper night's rest. And in fact, I can function adequately without a decent night's sleep. I'm certainly not at my best without sleep, but I can make it through if need be.

"How do you feel when you think you should be sleeping right now?"
I feel angry, anguished, discouraged, powerless.

"And do these feelings help you get the sleep you want?"
No way.

"What would life be like without this should?"
It would be so much easier. I could sleep when I'm tired, relax, and not worry so much if sleep doesn't come.

"Replace it."
I would prefer to get enough sleep. It would be beneficial for me to get enough sleep. But in the long run I'm going to be okay either way. Even if I'm not functioning at my 100% best I can get by. And as Dr. Albert Ellis once said, nobody has ever died from losing one night of sleep.

By changing my thoughts like this, I actually feel a lot better. And when I feel better, I end up getting more sleep. So it turns out that when I eliminate my "should" about getting sleep, that I end up getting a lot more sleep!

This is one of the wonderful paradoxes of Should-less living. When you let go of that thing you think you need, you're often more likely to get it.

Traveling Shoulds

I was reminded last week that travel by flying is one of the most annoying experiences in modern civilization. After braving extensive waits for the MTA subway system at 4am, a LONG delay on the JFK Air Train at 5am, and completely expensive tasteless food at 6am, I still had to face my worst obstacle yet:

















The Quintessential Airplane Crying Baby.

Now don't get me wrong, I think the propagation of the human race is an admirable thing. But why, OH WHY, would they bring an infant on the plane, especially one who clearly doesn't want to be there? Given my level of indignant righteousness, I realized this was the perfect time to work on worst "should" of flying: "They should shut that child up."

"How did you learn this was true?"
It's one of those cultural things about not intentionally making loud disturbing noises in an enclosed area with no escape.

"Is this should true for everyone everywhere 24/7?"
No. If a child is in pain or suffering then loud crying is the only way it can communicate that feeling. Many babies ears are hurting on the plane. If a parent always muffles their cries, then that can send the child a destructive message that they SHOULDN'T communicate when they are upset.

"Who is profiting off your should?"
The airlines and the makers of Skyy vodka, both of whom make money from me if I use a drink to deal with my shoulds instead of asking these questions.

"How do you feel when you think this should?"
I feel angry, righteous, and helpless. I feel like I don't want to travel anymore, thereby cutting myself off from a potentially wonderful vacation just because of my should about this child.

"And do you want to be right or happy during this flight?"
I choose to be happy. I already know I'm right, I'd guess everyone would agree with this should. But they won't have the high blood pressure or the ulcers for me that results in insisting that my should is correct. Clearly being right in this case means that I'm not happy.

"Replace it."
I'd prefer this child settle down. I'd prefer it would be quiet. I'd prefer parents did not subject their children to the treachery of flying if they are not ready for it. But either way, I still have a choice to be happy or angry. Sometimes I choose anger, especially if jet lagged. But today I choose to be happy .

And with this questioning I felt better. It didn't solve the problem, but it changed my reaction to the problem. Ultimately, the child did simmer down. And later when I thought back to how I initially reacted to this child I had to wonder: Who was the REAL infant on that flight?

Absolutely Should-less in Action: Margaret Cho

I just finished watching the third episode of "The Cho Show." Although the situations are a bit contrived for my taste, I am so impressed that Margaret Cho has remained a living breathing example of what Absolutely Should-less living is all about.

I first had the opportunity to see Ms. Cho perform in San Francisco in 1993. She had a scathing silliness and a wicked tongue. Her natural talent, wit, and beauty were recognized by ABC television, who gave her her own sitcom— and subsequently tried to get her to conform to incredibly oppressive shoulds. They basically told her: You should be thin, you should be cute, you should be less Asian. She desperately tried to conform to such shoulds, up to the point of starving herself and nearly permanently damaging her internal organs.

In her brilliant film, "I'm the One I That I Want," she details her destructive downslide, and how she has survived stronger, more confident, more beautiful, and funnier than ever. She has since made a career out of telling her story, sharing her painful experiences, and helping women and men learn they NEVER have to buy into oppressive shoulds from others. She has inspired many of the ideas in my book, "Absolutely Should-less," and inspires me to tell my truth even if it pisses some people off.

So if you haven't already, try watching her new show on Vh1 on Thursday nights. I guarantee you'll learn something that will help you deal with the rigid standards and "shoulds" you are facing in your life.

I Don't Think Any Women Are That Stupid, Sarah Palin.

John McCain announced his choice for vice-president this week. In a blatant attempt to win over disgruntled Hillary Clinton voters, he chose Sarah Palin, an inexperienced running mate who stands opposed to women's reproductive rights, gay marriage, and doesn't have a great track record with the environment either. The obvious logic behind this choice was that some Hillary supporters would say, "Hey, I want a woman in the White House one way or another, I'll take this one over none at all."

Will this strategy work? Time will soon tell. I just can't believe that female voters who supported Hillary Clinton would be swayed to vote for a candidate so diametrically opposed to the issues she cherishes. The McCain camp are clearly counting on female voters to ignore these differences and base their vote purely on gender. But I don't think any women are that stupid, or that easily duped. Do you?

I must admit that politics are a wonderful opportunity for me to use the tools of living life Absolutely Should-less, especially when things are not going the way I prefer. The last eight years have provided nearly daily challenges to choosing peace over bitter righteousness. I have decided to stay on that path regardless of the outcome of this election. Are you with me?

Liquid Shoulds

I was in an environment this week in which drinking a liquid of any kind, including water, was banned. After the initial shock of forbidding water in 85 degree weather wore off, my shoulds took over. See, after an unfortunate encounter with dehydration last year, I learned my lesson about the value of drinking water, constantly. It is not only important to me now for medical reasons, but the implementing of an anti-water policy appeared random and petty.

So when this gauntlet came down, my knee-jerk response was anger and outrage. Fortunately, I have learned that when my righteous indignation is kicked up, it is much to my benefit to ask myself some questions outlined in "Absolutely Should-less" before acting up. I focused on the should: They shouldn't be trying to stop me from drinking water.

"How did you learn they shouldn't try to stop you from drinking water?"
I learned this from my doctor. But I also think there has to be some sort of law that protects you from being dehydrated. I can't think of any other place where I am told I can't drink water.

"How does it feel to think this should?"
Angry, stressed, and rather thirsty.

"Who profits or benefits from this should?"
I suppose Dasani water does pretty well from my water consumption. But when I get angry and stressed like this, it definitely affects my sleep. So I'm sure Starbucks also profits from my righteous shoulds. Eventually if I get upset enough then I'm sure my doctor will end up profiting, as well as the company that makes whatever medicines he may need to prescribe, (which would defeat the purpose of drinking lots of water anyway).

"Who would you be without this should?"
I'd be much more at peace, much more relaxed, able to actually take appropriate action effectively instead of ranting aimlessly.

"And do you want to be right or happy today?"
After indulging in some righteousness, I decide to have happiness.

And with this last question, I was reminded I have a choice. I could be that angry stressed out guy, or I could access peace at any moment I wanted to. I chose the latter. And with that peace, I went to my doctor, got a note, brought it back to the environment, and have been happily drinking water ever since.

Many mistakenly operate under the notion that being at peace means you do nothing when approached with conflict. I have known plenty of political activists who believe the only way to bring about social change is to constantly should others. The only problem is, shoulds NEVER are effective in opening up people's minds, or their hearts.

In my case, it was clear that my shoulds were leading to more suffering. So I chose an easier path. I chose to be happy. And from a place of happiness, not anger, I took the appropriate steps I needed to take to stand up for myself and my right to hydrate.

Now I'm going to enjoy a tall glass of ice water. Thank you for reading!