Angry "Shoulds"

Angry today? Pissed off? Frustrated? Well then it must be someone else's fault.  Or is it?

We have all been conditioned to believe that when we are upset it is someone else's fault, or it is because of an external event (ie, weather, stock market, missed trains, etc).  We have been taught how to blame others when we things don't go our way.  I can't think of one person who hasn't at some point thought, "If everyone just did what I said they should do then I'd be fine."

There are [at least] 5 problems with this rationale:

1. Everyone else is thinking the same thing about you.
2. Your anger towards others does not motivate or inspire them to want to change the thing that you want them to change.
3. Even if you sincerely believe you are right about what other people "should" do, they won't be the ones to deal with the high blood pressure, insomnia, poor digestion, and muscular-skeletal aches that come from holding on to anger.
4. Anger often snowballs into physical and/or verbal violence.  These acts cannot be undone or forgotten, and can have grave consequences in your personal and professional life.
5. Anger begets more anger. Or to say it another way, it creates anger in your target, which then gets dumped onto someone else, and so on, and so on, and so on.

So what's the alternative?

1. Responsibility.  YOU are responsible for your emotional state.  Not your boss, not your employees, not your partner, not the station that killed your favorite show.  YOU.
2. Recognize the "Should." Behind every angry feeling is a "should." If you could challenge that "should," you could significantly reduce your anger.
3. Breathe. If you are not breathing, it is impossible to think rationally.
4. Eat humble pie.  It takes a humble person to say, "I don't know how things 'should' be.  I may think I know, but I am not God and I accept that sometimes things happen for reasons I do not understand."
5. Recognize the attraction to anger.  Being angry can produce feelings of intense excitement, adrenaline, and the illusion of great strength, not unlike cocaine.  If you enjoy heightened anger states, it is important to acknowledge this fact if you choose to reduce or change them. 

Ultimately it is up to you and how you are going experience your life.  If you want to blame others for your suffering, that is most certainly an option, but it is an option that will only increase your anger and frustration.  If you want to have an easier and more joyful experience of living, you will want to consider changing your "shoulds" in order to make that happen. 
  
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City at Mental Health Counseling & Marriage And Family Therapy Of New York. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve."

Tweet

What You See Is What You Get

The HSBC bank has unwittingly provided New Yorkers with daily reminders of the most fundamental principle of maintaining peace: projection makes perception. Meaning, the way we experience our world around us depends primarily on how we view it.  The good news here is that if we are having a negative experience or an unfavorable feeling, all we have to do is change how we see it!

Let's take the example below.  A picture of the Manhattan skyline is displayed from the Brooklyn side.  Let's say you are the person who thinks of the Manhattan skyline is "glorified." How do you think that person will feel?  If you are like me, who does glorify the Manhattan skyline, you'll look at that picture with awe, humble admiration, and in my case incredible gratitude that I get to live there.

But what if you look at the same exact skyline and see "vilified." You see the buildings and you perceive greed, competition, selfishness.  How might you feel then?  Most likely, you will experience some type of anger, annoyance, resentment.

How about "gentrified?" If you look at the same exact skyline with the perception of "gentrified," you will most likely experience sadness, regret, victimization,  and hopelessness about the future. 

This is the exact principle that the great Dr. Albert Ellis illustrated in so many of his teachings.  We don't have feelings because of the things around us, we have feelings because of what we tell ourselves about the things around us. You can look around and see a cold hearted horrible world no matter where you are.  Or you can look around and see the miraculous glories that are created and sustained every day.  I know which one of these helps me sleep easier at night.  How about you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City at Mental Health Counseling & Marriage And Family Therapy Of New York. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve."
Tweet

Messed Up Thinking #4: Catastrophizing

Confession: Of all "Messed Up Thinking" forms, this is the one I have been most guilty of in my life.

Have you ever stayed up all night worrying because you thought something was going to turn out horribly, only to have it be okay? Have you ever been consumed with anxiety about a future event over which you have no effect? If so, you may be experiencing "Catastrophization," ie, the assumption that things are going to work out as a "catastrophe" in the future.  Or, believing that that meeting, that party, that date, that meal, that 401K account, that vacation, or anything else is going to end up very badly.

Keep in mind, we live in a culture that produces and maintains catastrophic thinking.  The entire basis  of consumerism is about scaring into you thinking you need to purchase something you don't truly need.  Corporations pay billions of dollars a year to try to make you believe you should lose weight, reduce wrinkles, have the best car, clean kitchen counters, and follow hundreds of other contrived dictates.  It is implied that the consequences of not following these "shoulds," and not spending your hard earned money, is that you will be left alone and unloved.

At the same time, newspapers and televisions present "news" items that are designed to instill fear in you, so you will continue to buy their papers, watch their shows, and buy the products that are advertised.  As mentioned in an earlier posting, the media has a vested interest in making you castrophize that horrible things could happen to you at any moment.  Given these insidious messages, it makes complete sense that any one of us are walking around in a state of unease, discomfort, or even panic!

There is an easier way to get through life.  Recognize that catastrophizing about a situation does nothing to make that situation less likely to happen.  In fact, over-worrying can make you less likely to think clear enough to take appropriate action to avoid a disaster of some sort.  When your brain is flooded with a flurry of anxious thoughts, it impacts your ability to problem solve effectively.

So what's the alternative? Change your thinking.  Recognize that most true catastrophes in life, such as earthquakes, hurricanes, car accidents, plane crashes, are statistically rare, and completely out of your control.  Don't underestimate your ability to handle a disaster.  If you made it far enough to read this blog post, then you clearly have survivor skills you can draw upon to manage a crisis.

Also be aware that anytime you are worrying about a future event you are practicing the power of faith.  Most people refer to "faith" as something spiritual and peaceful.  But faith is simply believing in something you can't see.  You can utilize the power of your faith to believe that life is going to be okay, that you can handle adversity, that someone or something is watching out for us, and experience the peace that comes from that.  Or, you can utilize the power of your faith to believe that something horrible is around the next corner and everything is going to be awful in your life.  That choice is up to you.

There are numerous ways to reduce catastrophizing.  Therapy, meditation, exercise, education, spiritual practices, all can help you to reduce worrying, and enjoy living. My number one suggestion for living with minimal anxiety is getting rid of the "shoulds" that cause stress and fear in daily life.  What is working for you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City at Mental Health Counseling & Marriage And Family Therapy Of New York. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." Tweet

Jacklyn Zeman Recommends "Absolutely Should-less"

I recently received one of the best gifts in the world — a public endorsement of my book "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret To Living The Stress-Free Life Your Deserve" by an actress and humanitarian I greatly admire, Jacklyn Zeman.  Most know her as the sinfully delicious Nurse Bobbie Spencer on GENERAL HOSPITAL.  What many don't realize is that she has also dedicated a large part of her off-camera time and energy toward helping others.

She has been committed to supporting public awareness programs for organ donors and filmed a video used in hospitals nationally to promote Hepatitis B vaccines to medical workers.  She received the Gabriel Project’s Distinguished Achievement Award for her continued support for African children in critical need of life-saving heart surgery. She has been a board member and the Leukemia Society’s Honorary Chair for various events held in New York City. In 1998 she received the Leukemia Society’s Charlotte M. Meyers Volunteer Recognition Award. She is a spokesperson for the American Heart Association, helping to raise awareness of the women’s risk of heart disease and received their Les Etoiles de Coeur Award. Since October 1998, Jackie, with former GENERAL HOSPITAL co-star Rick Springfield, has co-hosted the annual Dolphin Ball numerous times, raising money for Cystic Fibrosis.

So you can only imagine my humble gratitude and appreciation for this statement: 

 

If Jacklyn Zeman thinks it's worth it, how about you?  Purchase your copy today by pressing here.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City at Mental Health Counseling & Marriage And Family Therapy Of New York. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve."
Tweet

Messed Up Thinking #3: "I Need..."

One of the biggest mistakes we can make in our thinking is believing we "need" something or someone in order to feel peaceful.  So many people end up suffering because they continually say, "If I just had this person in my life" or "If I just had this job," or "If I just had a whole lot of money," then I would be happy, then I would feel "successful." 

The only problem with this is that 99% of the time, even if you get what you think you need and feel better for a short period of time, most people go back to eventually feeling unhappy.  Why? Because rearranging externals in your life won't foster long term changes within.  Sure it's nice to have that partner to spend time with, sure it's nice to go to a job where you make lots of money.  But plenty of people have these things and are still miserable.  Don't believe me? Look at the cover of your supermarket tabloid, find out which "celebrity" is unhappy this week, and then tell me that money + "success" = happiness.  

The good news is you have the choice and the right to live a happy and fulfilled life exactly where you are at right now.  Even if the circumstances are imperfect, even when you aren't getting what you think you need, you still have the option to feel powerful, important and successful.  This can only happen, however, when you change your perceptions.  Instead of believing, "If I just had the man I'd be happy," try flipping to, "If I was happy I'd have the man."  Instead of telling yourself, "If I had that job I'd feel successful," you could say, "If I felt successful I would get the job."  

In other words you can make your happiness the starting point instead of the end goal.  By changing your beliefs about what it is you "need" to feel good, you are much more likely to receive and appreciate good fortune in your life.  Victor Frankl's book, "Man's Search for Meaning," offers an excellent framework for how someone can choose to find meaning and peace even in the midst of a nazi concentration camp.  Tina Sloan's brilliant new book, "Changing Shoes" gives relevant and concrete steps that anyone can take when life's adversities drag you down.  All of these wise resources reminds us that changing our minds comes before experiencing joy.  If they can do it, you can do it too!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City at Mental Health Counseling & Marriage And Family Therapy Of New York. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." 

Unique Speed Dating Event Coming to New York!

Tried speed-dating? Not like this. Make a connection for a night or a lifetime!

This gay men's networking/dating event gets you a date with 20 guys, a fun night out at awesome Vig 27 and feedback on your dating interactions from our relationship experts. Cover is $25 with ALL proceeds going to adopted charity. This month's charity is the Ali Forney Center, an LGBT youth shelter. To pre-register email 20connections@gmail.com. Future Connections planned for straight singles, LGBT singles, poly couples and more!

This is a wonderful opportunity to speed date in Manhattan in a fun, innovative, and original way that hasn't been done before. People who attend will come away more educated, informed and empowered about seeking dates with others.

WHAT:  Dr. DeMarco presents Connections, a unique speed dating occasion, with special guest host Marti Cummings 

WHEN: Wednesday, September 15th, from 7-10pm  

WHERE: Vig 27 (119 E.27th st., New York, NY). 

Tweet

Messed Up Thinking #2: Blaming

It's so much easier to make it someone else's fault.  Your anger, your frustration, your disappointment, your sense of not being treated fairly, all seem simpler to blame on others.  There's only one problem with that: Most everyone else believes the same exact thing! So if everyone is running around seeing fault and blame in everyone else, the world ends up being a quagmire of hostility, frustration, hurt feelings, and destroyed relationships.

If you want to feel better in your life, then try holding this for one minute:  You are completely responsible for how you feel. Completely. This is a liberating concept for some, a terrifying concept for others.  As long as you hold other people accountable for your moods, thoughts, emotions, and experience, then you are bound to suffer.

This is not to imply that you are responsible for all the circumstances in your life.  You may love someone who is sick.  You may have recently lost a job.  You may have been physically injured.  These are all contexts where you may or may not have had any responsibility at all.  Your reaction, however, to these circumstances, is your responsibility. 

Taking responsibility for your thoughts and feelings goes completely against what most of us learned as children.  We all have been conditioned to blame others and seek outside ourselves for peace.  Most people unquestioningly point the finger at someone else or something else when they are feeling unhappy.  But then that gives the person or that thing all the power.

How do you stop this pattern of messed up thinking? Try ONE day during which you take full responsibility for every feeling you have.  Just one! If you feel tired you say, "I am responsible for feeling tired." If you feel happy you say, "I am responsible for feeling happy." If you get really pissed off traffic you say, "I am responsible for feeling really pissed off in traffic." Even if it seems silly, take responsibility.

Again, this blog is for people who want to make choices that will lead to having an easier day.  Taking responsibility and ownership for your feelings is one of the most effective ways to do this.  Try it, and let me know how it goes!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City at Mental Health Counseling & Marriage And Family Therapy Of New York. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." 

  Tweet

"Should-less" Labor

In honor of Labor Day, in the spirit of celebrating workers, from the perspective of everyone who works hard for the money, I have one thing to say to all you bosses out there:

STOP WITH THE SHOULDS ALREADY!  

Here is why:

1. "Shoulds" are an ineffective motivator of change.  They can be effective in promoting short-term compliance.  But if you want employees to be inspired versus numb compliers (who then become complainers), then drop the "shoulds."

2. "Shoulds" demonstrate limited leadership capability.  They imply to others, "you should do what I tell you to do because I'm telling you to do it because I was told to tell you to do it."  A valuable leader communicates in ways that demonstrate responsibility and critical thinking, not auto-rehashing someone else's ideas.

3. "Shoulds" take a top-down approach to work activity.  They rule out any sense of collaboration, and thereby alienate the worker from the duties.  When workers feel like a valuable part of the system they tend to show up more and work harder.

4. "Shoulds" frequently are received as shaming.  If you have a worker that is not able, for whatever reason, to meet your standards of "should", the s/he may feel shamed, humiliated, and will call in sick more often to deal with all the physical symptoms that come from feeling shamed and humiliated.

5. "Shoulds" terminate discourse.  There is no input, nothing to be said once a boss says, "You should do it this way." This again, inevitably leads to alienation, complaining, and a high amount of sick days.

What's the alternative to "shoulds?"You COULD try:

1. Telling employees why a policy needs to be implemented.  The more someone understands why they are being told to something, the more likely it is they will do it.

2. Find common ground with goals.  A successful project means more jobs, money, and all those benefits everyone in the company wants.

3. When possible, include workers in the decision making process.  Ask for feedback, discussion, things that help worker feel attached to the common goal.

4. Use language that communicates respect.  Some examples would be, "Our accreditation agency is expecting us to do it this way..." (versus "You should do it this way...").  Or, "We believe the following steps will help us reach our common goal..." (versus "You should do it this way..."). Or, "Based on the data, it is clear we will thrive if we do these things differently..." (versus, "You should do it this way...").

5. Keep dialogue open, especially if an individual employee is having trouble producing.  Ask questions before offering solutions.  Listen to what your employees are telling you.  When appropriate, don't hesitate to refer to a therapist or an EAP. 

Most Americans spend 30-50% of their lives at work.  Wouldn't it be great to have it go smoother? Drop the "Shoulds" and you'll have a much better Labor Year!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City at Mental Health Counseling & Marriage And Family Therapy Of New York. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." Tweet

Little Miracles Everywhere 2

Spotted today on the "L" train:  A man sat alone on a two seat section of the train.  A woman got on the train, started to sit down next to him, but stopped herself as she saw a tiny puddle of a liquid object on the seat.  The man saw this, took out a kleenix, wiped the seat down, and motioned to her it was clean.  The woman said, "Thank you" and sat down. 

No dialogue after that.  Nothing bad happened.  Nothing outstandingly good happened.  Nothing that would ever make the "news." Just the under-the-radar basic human acts of kindness that take place all around me every day in New York City.

There are little miracles everywhere.  Is anyone else seeing them? 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City at Mental Health Counseling & Marriage And Family Therapy Of New York. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve."

Single Lady "Shoulds"

Unless you've been living in a tent this past year, you undoubtedly have heard a very popular sung by Beyonce called, "Single Ladies."  The chorus features the following lyrics:

Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

The song is both defiant and reactionary.  It celebrates a woman standing up for herself, but at the same time reinforces a conservative notion that the goal of a relationship should be marriage.  Without realizing it, this fabulous singer has offered up a wonderful example of why "shoulds" in relationships are toxic and destructive.  

At the beginning of the piece, we find Beyonce in a club after a painful break-up.  She is apparently nursing her wounds after this relationship of three years when another man catches her attention ("I’m up on him, he up on me").  The rest of the song is directed toward the man she broke up with, who presumably is pretty upset she's up against anyone at a club. She responds by asserting her right to look good and go out ("I couldn't care less what you think, I need no permission."), and then to call him out by singing the aforementioned chorus.

As I mention in Absolutely Should-less, "shoulds" are ineffective motivators for change.  They may inspire short-term results, but they do not create or sustain interest or motivation in maintaining behaviors.  Translation?  You may "should" a guy into putting a ring on it, but that symbol won't make him stick around.  Isn't it possible that the man in the song had some intimacy issues he could have worked out in therapy? Does Beyonce think she can change his desire to marry by calling him out and embarrassing him at the club?

So what's the answer? When you are in a relationship, be honest with yourself and your partner about what you want and what you do not.  If marriage is authentically right for you then you have a right to ask for that, but your partner has a right to not want that without being shamed and humiliated.  By effectively communicating your truth to others, you get to experience deeper and more respectful relationships, and well as less "shoulds" about the "ring on it" in the club.  Wouldn't that be preferable?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City at Mental Health Counseling & Marriage And Family Therapy Of New York. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve."

Little Miracles Everywhere

If you watch television news, especially local or morning "news" shows, you would think that the world is filled with murders, crimes, rape, violence, hurricanes, fires, tsunamis, kidnapping, bombing, illnesses, and a myriad of other horrible things that can go wrong.  Their message is clearly, "Be afraid, be very afraid," so that you will continue watching and then buy the products they advertise to help alleviate your suffering.  Not coincidentally, these are often medicines for depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, cholesterol, and a myriad of horrible symptoms that are often a direct result of watching the news.

I am not disputing that all these events happen in the world every day.  What I am opposed to is the way it is presented as a common day-to-day fact of life that you should be afraid of.  Women should be afraid to leave their homes. Parents should be afraid to send their children to school.  You should be afraid of someone who "looks" like a terrorist.  The world is a dangerous cruel place and the best you can hope for is to find a drug that will help you live long enough to minimally suffer through it. 

For me, "news" is something very different.  I live across the street from a housing project in Brooklyn.  I frequently see mothers hugging their children, elders laughing, people playing chess, or just hanging out and talking.  Today on the "L" train, I saw a woman get on at 1st Avenue holding a bag of what appeared to be freshly-grown vegetables, and offer vegetables to two complete strangers who asked her about them.  They then talked and laughed about vegetables. Despite record breaking heat, we still have electricity and running water.

If there happened to be an act or violence, a shooting, a death, or some horrible accident in any one of these contexts, you can bet it would be on the evening news.  And I have no doubt that a local station will find something tragic and sad to make their headline tonight.  If they can't do that, they will come up with something potentially tragic and sad that could happen.

But I choose to see my "news" instead.  There are miracles everywhere. There are little acts of kindness, affection, appreciation, and grace, everywhere you look, even in New York City.  What "news" are you going to focus on tonight?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City at Mental Health Counseling & Marriage And Family Therapy Of New York. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." 

Messed Up Thinking #1: All-Or-Nothing

Let's be clear on one thing first.  IF you are willing to feel better, you must be willing to challenge and alter some long held thoughts and beliefs.  It's that simple.  Meds, yoga, nutrition, exercise, even analysis, can all offer some relief from suffering.  But if you truly want to make long-term improvements in your overall mood, changing your thinking will be crucial.

So how does anyone do that? It begins with becoming aware of some thought patterns that may be hurting you instead of helping you.  "All-Or-Nothing" thinking is a whopper of a destructive thought pattern that leads to much depression, anger, and anxiety.  It means that you perceive someone or something as all one way or another (Ie, black or white, good or bad, right or wrong, weak or strong, etc). 

The problem with this line of thinking is that none of us on this earth are all one thing or another.  We all have things we are good at it, and we all have areas where we need some work.  If I tell myself, "You must be good all the time," then what happens if I mess up? If I tell myself, "You must always succeed or you are a completely failure," then I will feel pretty anxious and stressed out.

This need not be! If you are finding yourself feeling impatient, annoyed, stressed, or critical of yourself and others, please consider if there is any "All-Or-Nothing" thinking feeding into that.  It could change your whole day!
  
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City at Mental Health Counseling & Marriage And Family Therapy Of New York. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve."