Lesson #18: The Show Must Go On

On January 18, 1993, during my senior year of college, I was afflicted with a devastating and unusual strain of spinal meningitis.  I was unconscious when my poor parents and friends were informed I wasn't going to live.  Ultimately I was able to persevere and fight the illness thanks to an antibiotic called Rocephin, and my sheer Taurus stubborn will to survive.

The recovery afterward was lengthy and daunting.  I literally had to practice walking again, taking one step in front of the other.  My school gently suggested I take the quarter off to heal.  I not-so-gently suggested they piss off, though I was willing to drop to part-time status, and take some time out to get my body and mind back into working order.

This was not long after the death of pop singer Freddie Mercury. The song he recorded with Queen, "The Show Must Go On," had been playing a lot as a single.  The message in the music fed my strength and courage to keep going forward, one step in front of the other, to pass my classes, and reclaim my life.  I learned from this experience that: (1) Life is very precious.  (2) I am lucky to still be here and grow older.  (3) Being stubborn can be a strength, and (4) "The Show Must Go On" is a damn good song.

Two months ago I was shocked when one of my best friends died very suddenly from AIDS. I have been working through this loss the same way I have dealt with every tragedy these past eighteen years.  I take a time-out, assess the damage, figure out a plan, and take one step in front of the other with "The Show Must Go On" playing in my head. I remember that things have to get done, patients need to be seen, the world isn't going to stop turning because Damon isn't feeling well. 

One of the things that greatly assists me in this process is learning from others who have confronted similar challenges.  Last Fall I had the opportunity to interview Colleen Zenk, a kindred spirit in "The Show Must Go On" department.  Despite coping with the aftermath of oral cancer treatments, losing her 32-year-old job as Barbara Ryan on AS THE WORLD TURNS, and a series of personal losses, she is taking her act to a new stage (literally and figuratively).  Tonight, her one woman show, "Colleen Zenk: LIVE!" debuts in New Hope, PA, and with any luck will soon be coming to a town near you.  If ever there was a human who understood the meaning of "The Show Must Go On," it is the Divine Ms. Zenk. 

This lesson is intended to remind everyone that despite the hardships and challenges we face, we can deal with them by telling ourselves that the show must go on.  Just take one step in front of the other and ask for help when you need it.  Getting older has afforded me the luxury of trusting this lesson and finding serenity in the knowledge that this stubborn Taurus is going to persevere no matter what.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #19: There Is No Need To Fear Feelings

We spend so much time in this culture trying to dodge uncomfortable feelings.  Most advertisements are geared toward assisting the consumer in having to ever experience sadness, insecurity, anxiety, uncertainty, and pain.  Pharmaceutical companies make billions of dollars every year offering the illusion of happiness in a pill.  The only problem is, avoidance doesn't change the cause.  And in fact, it frequently makes the source of your pain and discomfort even worse.

I was 27-years-old when I lost one of my best friends, Jhan Dean Egg, to AIDS.  We had lived together in San Francisco for five years prior to his death.  I was his confidant, his caretaker, and his Executor.  When he passed away in our home I was overwhelmed with grief and suffering that I was not equipped to deal with at that age.

So I avoided the pain.  I used work, busyness, and alcohol to avoid having to be present with the waves of grief that seemed too gigantic.  And soon after, I used a relationship with another person as an escape.  The red flags were there early on that this man was unstable and abusive, but I overlooked all of that because I could easily avoid my feelings when I was with him.  In short, he became the drug that I craved in order to feel "high."  And like all addictions, the relationship eventually crashed and burned (burned quite literally, as described in Lesson #20). 

When all was said and done, I was left with a heap of an emotional mess to clean up, and still had to work through the original problem that caused my error in judgments.  I realized then and there that using people and things to avoid emotional pain was not to my benefit.  I would have been better off just dealing with the core issue in the first place.

I see many people in my personal and professional life who also use relationships, drugs, sex, and general busyness to circumvent the experience of feeling pain.  It troubles me when I see people I care about piling up their problems with more problems, all in the name of avoidance.  This lesson is intended for anyone at any age who is trying to bypass facing their troubles.  There is no need to fear the feelings.  Dealing with the emotions, as painful and inconvenient as they may be, makes your life so much more simple and joyful in the long run.

Knowing this lesson through personal experience offers me a sense of hope and optimism about growing older.  I don't have to fear the painful feelings.  I don't have to use anyone or anything to escape.  I am home in my heart, and that is the safest place I've ever been. 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #20: Chronology Does Not Always Bring Maturity

Those who knew me in my twenties are aware that I used to have a tendency to date men that were slightly older.  Okay, one or two decades older.  I had this ideal that someone who had lived life longer than myself, especially those who had survived the first wave of the AIDS crisis in the 1980s, had to have insight and knowledge of how to overcome grief and adversity.  I figured they must know how to cope healthily with trauma, they must know how to manage every day frustration, they must know how to maintain and sustain fulfilling relationships with others.   These were all things I wanted to learn and thought an older boyfriend would be the perfect teacher for gaining important life insights.

Boy did I not that plan that well.  I went through relationship after relationship with older guys that were impatient, maladjusted, short-sighted, had poor frustration tolerance, and impaired communication skills.  This pattern culminated in my late twenties when living with a well known community leader who smoked pot everyday, was prone to impulsive and unpredictable temper tantrums, was estranged from all friends from his past, and ultimately took it upon himself to burn my personal journals in the barbecue.  I decided there and then I had enough, I would learn my important life lessons on my own, thank you very much.

It was a few years later that I began studying with Jacob Glass, learning the principles in A Course In Miracles, as well as reading the theories behind Dr. Albert Ellis's Rational-Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT)   I came to understand that the truth and answers I was looking for were not to be found in the "special relationships" I was pursuing, but could be accessed if I searched for comfort, peace, and resilience within myself first.  I learned to use my connection with a higher power to instruct me how I can persevere through trauma, frustrations, and build long lasting and fulfilling relationships.  I became the teacher I wanted to see.

Soon after a handsome man, who happened to be seven years younger, bounced into my life.  I met Matt Cameron at a time when I was extremely closed off to the possibility of being involved with anyone.  He impressed me with his maturity, his balance, his compassion, and his depth.  He had been able to overcome challenges and adversities in his own life and survive with a sense of optimism and hope.  He had been able to make strong sustaining friendships with people in every city he had ever lived (and he had moved a lot). He had the ability to maintain levity, humor, and balance...even in traffic.  In short, this 26-year-old was a better example for me of how I wanted to live my life than anyone of the older men I had ever dated.

More importantly, Matt taught me that there is absolutely no correlation between chronological age and emotional maturity.  I have since been inspired and offered insight as to the kind of person I want to be from people ranging from ages 13 through 93.  Similarly, I have been well educated as to the kind of person I don't want to be from people ages 13 through 93.  People of any age can be beacons of inspiration or destruction.  Why limit yourself by choosing to date or have relationships with people of a certain age range?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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40 Lessons Of 40: #21-30

Why 40 Lessons of 40? Because I am turning forty-years-old on April 25th, and have found myself surrounded by fear and shame around the gift of aging.  These are lessons I have learned in forty years that helped me to live, to laugh, to love, and to cope with loss.  I hope they help you to see that the true fountain of youth is the satisfaction and inspiration you get from growing older.

Lesson #21: Don't Condemn What You Don't Understand
Lesson #22: Be The Change You Want To See
Lesson #23: Sleep Is Important...But Losing A Night Won't Kill You
Lesson #24: Patience Is Your Best Friend
Lesson #25: Do What Scares You
Lesson #26: Frustration Tolerance Is An Important Measure Of Character
Lesson #27: Getting "Older" Means Using The Past To Measure Against The Present
Lesson #28: There Are Two Kinds Of People In The World...
Lesson #29: Keep The Drama Onscreen
Lesson #30: Clean House = Clean Heart 

Lessons #31-#40

Related:
Damon L. Jacobs discusses 40 Lessons of 40 series on FEAST OF FUN
Damon L. Jacobs is offering free workshop on being "Fabulous at Forty" in NYC on 4/25

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #21: Don't Condemn What You Don't Understand

One of the main symptoms of getting older is the tendency to judge and condemn new forms of expression without taking the time to understand it first.  It is almost innate as we age to reduce complex thinking, and to want to put people and things into simple categories that were established in the past.  I too can't help but listen to pop music today and think about previous eras that songs resemble.  The difference is, I have learned that if I put something down without understanding it first, I am being closed, limited, and depriving myself of learning something new.

There has always been a perception of a cultural divide between age spans in popular forms of entertainment.  From the movies "Rebel Without A Cause," to "The Graduate," to Will Smith's, "Parents Just Don't Understand," there has been a line drawn in the generational sand that has dictated, "misunderstood youth here...critical old people there."

In real life, I have found it to be much more complex.  The older people in my family were mostly open minded, curious, and interested in learning about the different music and fashion trends I was following as a teenager.  They may not have enjoyed them, but they took the time to understood why I enjoyed them.  I learned from my grandparents, as well as my Aunt Florrie, that later years can be a time when one learns new skills, embraces life, and asks questions about things one doesn't know instead of rushing to snap judgments. 

So now, when I am tempted to put a younger person into an established category in my head, as I originally did with the Lady Gaga phenomenon, I check myself.  Do I know what this person is trying to express?  Is there something that I can learn? If I don't understand it, can I ask someone who does? Is this person creating something that can enhance and improve my experience in some way?

At any chronological age we can decide to shut our minds and hearts down to new forms of creative statements, as the prototypical "old person" does in the aforementioned movies and videos.  But doing so shuts out a plethora of potential joy, fun, and learning.  I am starting my forties finding myself more fascinated than ever by artistic expressions of younger people throughout New York City in political and social contexts.   If I keep an open outlook, then aging becomes an exciting creative adventure of its own!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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New Feast Of Fun Show!

Fausto Fernós and Marc Felion, aka the delicious couple cooking festive gab fasts at Feast Of Fun, featured me and the 40 Lessons of 40 series on their show today.  We discussed being fabulous at forty, the rewards of getting older, and how to be empowered at ANY age.  


Please press here to listen to this unique show, guaranteed to change the way you see the world. 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Fabulous At Forty: How To Embrace Life And Feel Good At ANY Age Workshop

Please come celebrate my birthday with me at this special meeting!

WHAT: A workshop designed to promote empowerment and fun around getting older, and learning to embrace life at ANY age.
WHEN: April 25th, 2011, at 8pm
WHERE: New York City, 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410 
COST: Free, with donations accepted

Aging. We are all going to do it no matter who we are, where we live, or what we believe. Yet I have found there is much intense fear and shame around the most human thing we can possibly do. I will be presenting aspects of the 40 Lessons I've learned to help people of any age realize that the getting older can bring empowerment, fun, and freedom, if they learn how to apply certain tools.

I have been counting down the 40 lessons on this blog that have helped me to live, to love, to laugh, and to cope with loss. These are lessons that make my life easier and more peaceful now, and lessons that would have made my life a lot easier and more peaceful when I was in my twenties. The #1 Lesson that saved my life will be shared at this workshop, so please come by and share this special day with me.
 
Questions? Write me at Shouldless@gmail.com or call 347-227-7707.  See you there! 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #22: Be The Change You Want To See

Anyone can look around and focus on devastation and damage.  Wars, crimes, deaths, environmental destruction, social injustices, natural disasters, these are all part and parcel of this thing we call "the world." How does one not get overwhelmed by the challenges and hardships of trying to live this life with some semblance of joy or peace? Simple: be the change you want to see. 

If you want to see wars come to an end, then stop attacking your neighbor.  If you care about the environment, reduce the way you drain natural resources.  If you want people to act honestly, then live your own life with integrity and truth.  If you want to stop feeling depressed, then stop using Facebook and Twitter to complain about how miserable life is.  And if you want people to respect you, then treat your own mind and body with dignity.

Most of us have been conditioned in this culture to think it is someone else's fault is we are feeling upset, angry, betrayed, scared, depressed.  We have been taught that is helpful to express our grievances in public venues.  My experience is that people who are actively involved with changing the world don't feel helpless, and don't need to complain.  People who do meaningful soul enriching work are not as likely to be overwhelmed with doom and gloom on a personal or global level because they are taking part in the solution and being the change they want to see.

I have found this to be extremely helpful in my own life.  When I felt overwhelmed and devastated by the impact of HIV/AIDS, I took action by working in service organizations that promoted wellness and support, and eventually became a volunteer for the HIV Vaccine trials.  When I felt saddened by the loss of daytime soaps on network television, I joined up with Roger Newcomb to promote and celebrate the original and exciting "Indie Soaps" that are now produced exclusively on the Internet.  When I see toxic complaining online, I react by sharing a positive quote or idea, and producing a series like 40 Lessons of 40 that will (hopefully) demonstrate an alternative and empowering way of using social media.

It is because I practice being an agent of change that I am not afraid of turning forty and confronting ageism.  No one can dismiss me if I don't dismiss myself.  No one can disrespect me if I don't disrespect myself.  No one can see me as obsolete if I don't see myself that way.  Getting older has taught me the value of giving what I see lacking in any given situation.  I hope it can be your key to freedom as well.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #23: Sleep Is Important...But Losing A Night Won't Kill You

According to my birth certificate, I was born at 1:12pm.  That would definitely help to explain why I rarely feel functional and awake before 1:12pm on any given day.  Throughout all forty years of my life I have experienced a complete resurgence of creative energy that hits around 9pm, which needless to say, did not make school or regular work jobs very easy to perform.

I have been burdened with insomnia and restless sleep for most of my life.  Some of my earliest memories were lying in bed, trying desperately to sleep, and hearing the "hisssssssss" on my 1970s electric clock go off every sixty seconds as the numbers changed to later, and later, and later, until the birds started chirping.  My mind would spin with concerns as soon as my head hit the pillow. The worry about not getting enough sleep was ironically one of the biggest fears that kept me awake at night.  That, along with not doing well in school, nuclear war, and the possible cancellation of "The Doctors" weighed heavy on my childhood mind.

Around age thirty I finally learned how to stand up, and even conquer, the insomniac demons.  I was at work one day, after a night with minimal rest, and thought, "Hey I'm doing okay without sleep.  Why did I worry so much about this?" I realized that I can function quite well with no rest at all.  It is not preferable, and it doesn't feel good, but it is possible.  I came to assess that I had gotten through and accomplished quite a lot in my life without decent sleep.  Again, it was not something I wanted, but hardly the end of the world.

I also realized that it was irrational to spend most of the night worrying about all the things that could possibly go wrong for the rest of my life.  My experience had taught me that most of the things I worried about didn't happen, and I was quite able to deal with the traumatic events that did occur.  Given that, why was I going to waste my time and energy on doubting myself?  So I made a pact with me: if my mind is going to race at night, it might as well race with thoughts that make me happy.  The work of Jacob Glass, Marianne Williamson, and A Course In Miracles filled me with focused ideas and thoughts that helped me to feel joyful, hopeful, and relaxed.  Lo and behold, sleep soon followed.

Today I am blessed with the opportunities to work for myself in private practice, do outreach for HIV Vaccine Trials, and cover features for We Love Soaps TV.  All of these duties allow me to channel that creative energy I have late at night, and sleep through the dreaded morning.  Respecting my intuitive biological clock, instead of fighting it, has also done wonders for my ability to get long periods of undisturbed R.E.M. rest.

Occasionally I do have one of those nights that, for whatever reasons, sleep doesn't come.  But in forty years I have learned that I can trust the world and myself to handle it.  Losing a night of sleep hasn't killed me yet, it hasn't impaired by ability to enjoy my life, and I don't plan of letting it start now.  

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #24: Patience Is Your Best Friend

I was asked recently what I perceived as some of the larger cultural shifts of the past twenty years.  There are certainly obvious external changes, such as the advent of the Internet and an exceedingly democratic access to global information.  But the biggest psychological changes I have seen have to do with the social reduction in patience. As a culture we are no longer willing to wait for what we want and have faith that rewards will follow.  From my perspective, this has resulted in an increase of anxiety, frustration, and resentment that people experience when they are not instantly gratified.

I started learning the value of patience when I began attending the University of California at Santa Cruz in 1989.  During my first lengthy stay away from home I experienced a fairly anxious meltdown, and for the first time (but not the last) sought psychological help.  I was paired up with an incredibly wise and comforting therapist who not only helped me make sense of confusing issues, but also recommended I try being "patient" around making friends and feeling comfortable in these new surroundings.

To be honest, I think "patience" is the last word any 18-year-old ever wants to hear.  I did not want to wait, I wanted to feel confident and secure NOW! However,  what I came to understand over the next decade is that peace does not come from getting what you want, it comes from having patience while you pursue getting what you want.  It comes from having faith that things will ultimately work out the way they are meant to work out, even if they are not "perfect." There is no need to rush something, because I can choose to experience peace at any time.

This lesson has been of incredible value.  It has allowed me to be present in relationships and make mindful choices about whom I spend time with.  It has enabled me to stay in jobs which ultimately led to promotions and satisfying opportunities.  Essentially, patience has taught me that I have no idea how anything "should" look, so I may as well relax and just be present.

I fear that in the current culture of instant communication, texts, cell phones, email chats, that the value of patience and waiting may be falling by the wayside.  I recommend to people of all ages to consider examining how they can bring a little more patience and stillness into their personal and professional interactions.  Doing so opens up one to experience much more enriching and joyful lives.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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