tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76443666979959079542024-03-05T04:42:58.896-05:00The Absolutely Should-less Blog<center>Removing the barriers to love one "should" at a time.</center>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.comBlogger215125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-88065078635398943852013-04-09T12:21:00.001-04:002013-04-09T12:21:19.751-04:00Putting the "Quality" Back in Marriage Equality<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAPfhVTcWs6aj8tIjX_SaC-7RopspGAI4d_GXP0AmMTRqirgd6niYtH3F9q8jX_qojGS3sQNVhb4Y8WlR1hWE2OIUmQN0AGkQiwNJnrMEBchcleBrj1JLFF_3tgxY51X4ARUUe4iNrIEc/s1600/Gay-Marriage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="299" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAPfhVTcWs6aj8tIjX_SaC-7RopspGAI4d_GXP0AmMTRqirgd6niYtH3F9q8jX_qojGS3sQNVhb4Y8WlR1hWE2OIUmQN0AGkQiwNJnrMEBchcleBrj1JLFF_3tgxY51X4ARUUe4iNrIEc/s320/Gay-Marriage.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
It
seems that everywhere you look there is someone talking about Marriage
Equality. From the Supreme Court to local churches, from Barack Obama
to Dan Savage, everyone has a point-of-view on how they prefer marriage
to be acknowledged, validated, and celebrated. Yet no one seems very
interested in discussing the actual work, skills, and resilience
involved in actually participating in a committed relationship. It's
like arguing for your right to buy a car, without taking the time to
learn to drive. <br />
<br />
No matter how two people define
"relationship," they all involve a certain degree of work, organization,
focus, and commitment. In my sixteen years of practicing therapy with
couples and individuals, I have found these five secrets indispensable
for those who
seek to enjoy long term nourishing and loving relationships:<br />
<br />
<b>Creativity vs. Conformity: </b>Couples
who experience joy together are able to create a structure and
framework that is uniquely right for them, as opposed to automatically
conforming to what society says they "should" do. For example, in the
world at large it may be considered "wrong" or "selfish" for one to go
on a vacation without a spouse. But what if one person in a couple
loves traveling and the other hates it? It is quite possible, and I
would argue necessary, for couples who want to avoid resentments and
bitterness to create arrangements that are specifically right for them.
This pertains to travel, handling money, sexual frequency, child
rearing, socializing with friends, <i>any</i> action or situation that impacts both parties can be served by being respectfully created and negotiated. <br />
<br />
<b>Communication vs Conclusion: </b>So
often couples think they know each other well enough that they can
conclude what the other person is thinking or feeling. A partner might
say, "I know my husband doesn't want to see that play so I'm not even
going to ask him." What gets lost here is the ability for two people to
communicate, and again create, a solution that is right for both
parties. Even if it's true that your husband doesn't love theater,
people do change, and he might still appreciate being asked. It is so
easy for us in a busy world to <i>assume</i> we know what our partners
want and need. These assumptions can often lead to missed
opportunities, hurt feelings, and more resentments. I encourage couples
to respectfully communicate and <i>ask questions even if you think you already know the answer</i>.
Counseling can be a great way for couples to learn unique and effective
ways to communicate thoughts, needs, desires, preferences, and goals.<br />
<br />
<b>Compassion vs. Condemnation: </b>So
what if you have a partner who doesn't share many of your interests?
What if you can't wait to get to City Hall to get married and he's
expressing concerns or doubts? What if you're wanting sex more often
than him? These areas can all be created and communicated utilizing
compassion. When you are compassionate, it does <i>not</i> mean you
agree and go along everything your partner wants. But it does mean you
make a genuine effort to be empathic, that is, to see and feel things
from their point of view. Compassion is recognizing nobody wakes up
saying, "I can't wait to be a jerk today." We are all trying to do
the best we can with what we have, and some days are easier than
others. The opposite of this is condemnation, which involves blaming
your partner for how you feel, putting him or her down for having
different perspectives or needs, and making him or her "wrong."
Condemnation results in anger, resentments, at times domestic violence,
and mostly definitely plays a fundamental role in divorces and
separations. Couples counseling can be instrumental in helping couples
shift from condemnation to compassion in their interactions.<br />
<br />
<b>Contribution vs. Control: </b>In
successful long-term relationships there is a sense of two people
contributing toward a common goal, as opposed to one person making all
the decisions and seeking to control the other. This can become tricky
in relationships where there is a significant difference in income, age,
health, or other power imbalance. However, even when circumstances
contribute to power differentials, it is still possible, and necessary,
for both members to feel they are contributing something vital and
essential to the relationship. This can be accomplished by using the
previous three tools above (creation, communication, compassion), and
figuring out areas where both can feel empowered. If one person is the
breadwinner, perhaps the other can bake the bread. Any opportunity for
both members to feel they are giving to the one another, and
contributing to the relationship as a whole, will increase their
satisfaction, enjoyment, and sense of pride.<br />
<br />
<b>Connection vs. Completion: </b>Unfortunately,
many have been taught by pop culture and Hollywood films that a
relationship is meant to "complete" them, or help them find their
"missing soul mate." This, in my personal and professional experience,
is one of the biggest misnomers and crimes ever perpetuated against
long-term unions. Not only is it impossible for someone to meet all
your needs, but it is no one's responsibility to or ability to "make"
you feel anything. Every great philosopher, therapist, or relationship
expert, from Epictetus to Dr. Albert Ellis to Tina Turner to Oprah
Winfrey, has discussed the importance of taking responsibility for one's
own growth and development. Another person in a fulfilling
relationship can <i>promote and enhance </i>that growth, but does not
"make" it happen. Partnerships thrive when they are based in the
authentic and pure desire to connect with someone, <i>not</i> to hold them accountable for your "completion."<br />
<br />
Good
counseling can promote wellness, love, respect, and sustainability in
all stages of couplehood. To learn more, please do not hesitate to
contact me Shouldless@gmail.com, or call 347-227-7707. <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html"><b>Damon L. Jacobs</b></a>
is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples
in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism,
bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian
issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in
non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "<b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</a></i></b>." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span><b> </b><br />
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Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-23178834661498505272013-04-05T01:57:00.001-04:002013-04-05T02:00:40.592-04:005 Simple Steps For Organizing Your Relationship<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcpgG-VBzhlklNn8djvGzTQX5VSA458GDB423G6uDsCtlqPB7LfmcALx0N2qWA92WS5tES2EabUmFeFrj3OhMgAhtup7kp-akvOZz5EDlgdzPl9Ydf_MRWqICzTfWlEWn35BGHr-lWTAg/s1600/wallpaper-968975.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcpgG-VBzhlklNn8djvGzTQX5VSA458GDB423G6uDsCtlqPB7LfmcALx0N2qWA92WS5tES2EabUmFeFrj3OhMgAhtup7kp-akvOZz5EDlgdzPl9Ydf_MRWqICzTfWlEWn35BGHr-lWTAg/s320/wallpaper-968975.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
It
seems that everywhere you look there is someone talking about Marriage
Equality. From the Supreme Court to local churches, from Barack Obama
to Dan Savage, everyone has a point-of-view on how they prefer marriage
to be acknowledged, validated, and celebrated. Yet no one seems very
interested in discussing the actual work, skills, and resilience
involved in actually participating in a committed relationship. It's
like arguing for your right to buy a car, without taking the time to
learn to drive. <br />
<br />
No matter how two people define
"relationship," they all involve a certain degree of work, organization,
focus, and commitment. In my sixteen years of practicing therapy with
couples and individuals, I have found these five secrets indispensable
for those who
seek to enjoy long term nourishing and loving relationships:<br />
<br />
<b>Creativity vs. Conformity: </b>Couples
who experience joy together are able to create a structure and
framework that is uniquely right for them, as opposed to automatically
conforming to what society says they "should" do. For example, in the
world at large it may be considered "wrong" or "selfish" for one to go
on a vacation without a spouse. But what if one person in a couple
loves traveling and the other hates it? It is quite possible, and I
would argue necessary, for couples who want to avoid resentments and
bitterness to create arrangements that are specifically right for them.
This pertains to travel, handling money, sexual frequency, child
rearing, socializing with friends, <i>any</i> action or situation that impacts both parties can be served by being respectfully created and negotiated. <br />
<br />
<b>Communication vs Conclusion: </b>So
often couples think they know each other well enough that they can
conclude what the other person is thinking or feeling. A partner might
say, "I know my husband doesn't want to see that play so I'm not even
going to ask him." What gets lost here is the ability for two people to
communicate, and again create, a solution that is right for both
parties. Even if it's true that your husband doesn't love theater,
people do change, and he might still appreciate being asked. It is so
easy for us in a busy world to <i>assume</i> we know what our partners
want and need. These assumptions can often lead to missed
opportunities, hurt feelings, and more resentments. I encourage couples
to respectfully communicate and <i>ask questions even if you think you already know the answer</i>.
Counseling can be a great way for couples to learn unique and effective
ways to communicate thoughts, needs, desires, preferences, and goals.<br />
<br />
<b>Compassion vs. Condemnation: </b>So
what if you have a partner who doesn't share many of your interests?
What if you can't wait to get to City Hall to get married and he's
expressing concerns or doubts? What if you're wanting sex more often
than him? These areas can all be created and communicated utilizing
compassion. When you are compassionate, it does <i>not</i> mean you
agree and go along everything your partner wants. But it does mean you
make a genuine effort to be empathic, that is, to see and feel things
from their point of view. Compassion is recognizing nobody wakes up
saying, "I can't wait to be a jerk today." We are all trying to do
the best we can with what we have, and some days are easier than
others. The opposite of this is condemnation, which involves blaming
your partner for how you feel, putting him or her down for having
different perspectives or needs, and making him or her "wrong."
Condemnation results in anger, resentments, at times domestic violence,
and mostly definitely plays a fundamental role in divorces and
separations. Couples counseling can be instrumental in helping couples
shift from condemnation to compassion in their interactions.<br />
<br />
<b>Contribution vs. Control: </b>In
successful long-term relationships there is a sense of two people
contributing toward a common goal, as opposed to one person making all
the decisions and seeking to control the other. This can become tricky
in relationships where there is a significant difference in income, age,
health, or other power imbalance. However, even when circumstances
contribute to power differentials, it is still possible, and necessary,
for both members to feel they are contributing something vital and
essential to the relationship. This can be accomplished by using the
previous three tools above (creation, communication, compassion), and
figuring out areas where both can feel empowered. If one person is the
breadwinner, perhaps the other can bake the bread. Any opportunity for
both members to feel they are giving to the one another, and
contributing to the relationship as a whole, will increase their
satisfaction, enjoyment, and sense of pride.<br />
<br />
<b>Connection vs. Completion: </b>Unfortunately,
many have been taught by pop culture and Hollywood films that a
relationship is meant to "complete" them, or help them find their
"missing soul mate." This, in my personal and professional experience,
is one of the biggest misnomers and crimes ever perpetuated against
long-term unions. Not only is it impossible for someone to meet all
your needs, but it is no one's responsibility to or ability to "make"
you feel anything. Every great philosopher, therapist, or relationship
expert, from Epictetus to Dr. Albert Ellis to Tina Turner to Oprah
Winfrey, has discussed the importance of taking responsibility for one's
own growth and development. Another person in a fulfilling
relationship can <i>promote and enhance </i>that growth, but does not
"make" it happen. Partnerships thrive when they are based in the
authentic and pure desire to connect with someone, <i>not</i> to hold them accountable for your "completion."<br />
<br />
Good
counseling can promote wellness, love, respect, and sustainability in
all stages of couplehood. To learn more, please do not hesitate to
contact me Shouldless@gmail.com, or call 347-227-7707. <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html"><b>Damon L. Jacobs</b></a>
is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples
in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism,
bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian
issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in
non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "<b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</a></i></b>." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span><b> </b><br />
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Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-62413417301681061682012-09-19T15:41:00.004-04:002012-09-19T15:43:53.297-04:00Now I Can "Rationally" Tell You...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-OlDT-1n4Us1AFR96jROQiRI136rQom8yx8aSlQJFYF_tnv2O4sz1gVRYVnKvPjmuQJBRac1uIbY0ltxpmFDRYLi8OaXZ1WJVPglxt_mExr_1OGQYAslraO8AelrRFKJU5qcXxwRpEcY/s1600/RR+Postcard+3.tiff" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="202" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-OlDT-1n4Us1AFR96jROQiRI136rQom8yx8aSlQJFYF_tnv2O4sz1gVRYVnKvPjmuQJBRac1uIbY0ltxpmFDRYLi8OaXZ1WJVPglxt_mExr_1OGQYAslraO8AelrRFKJU5qcXxwRpEcY/s400/RR+Postcard+3.tiff" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
I have some AMAZING news to share with you today! But first, some background...<br />
<br />
After 16 years of working with couples and individuals in various
treatment settings, I have come to understand that relationships don’t
have to be <i>that</i> hard. We are all walking around on this earth
trying to connect with others and build meaningful and satisfying bonds.
But for so many there is something getting in the way of this
experience, something preventing individuals and couples from having the
joyful life they want and deserve.<br />
<br />
You would think it would be different by now. After all, humans
have been roaming the planet for hundreds of thousands of years, somehow
we humans have made it this far. We have more ways than ever to stay
connected: smart phones, e-mails, text messaging, e-mail chatting,
Internet social networks, access to travel. Go to any bookstore and
you’ll find dozens of books which instruct people how to stay in
fulfilling relationships. Turn on any daytime talk show and you’ll see
“experts” sharing how to have better communication, more pleasure,
happier unions. More and more American states and worldwide governments
are legally recognizing marriage equality. Given all this, why are so
many relationships so unsatisfying?<br />
<br />
Because most people are never taught the intelligent and
practical tools and skills of Rational Relating that create and enhance
serenity, joy, and fulfillment in an intimate connection. They are at a
loss how to maintain authentic connections with other humans on a
consistent basis. They do not have role models or guides to demonstrate
and teach the intricacies of negotiations and compromise. They do not
understand that love, attention, respect, and honor, are given to one’s
self before they can be truly received from someone else.<br />
<br />
Today I am thrilled to announce that my new book, "Rational
Relating" has been picked up for publishing and distribution by Red
Skies Publishing for a February, 2013, release date. "Rational Relating"
is a mindful and cognitive approach to enhancing relationships with
others. It offers a step-by-step framework that enables couples to
expand joy, serenity, and pleasure, while minimizing, pain, resentment,
and suffering. It demonstrates how relationship "pillars" can be
strengthened and maintained by promoting integrity, communication,
compassion, responsibility, and compromise in connection with others. It
is the culmination of my 16 years of practicing and studying the art
and science or relationships, and I can't wait to share it with you!<br />
<br />
If you are interested in learning more, booking me as a speaker
with your organization or group, or coming to see me in New York City
for counseling or education, feel free to contact me at
Shouldless@gmail.com, or call me at 347-227-7707.Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-65047211961502833172012-08-07T14:51:00.001-04:002012-08-07T14:52:36.100-04:00Summer Readin' Had Me A Blast: Two Ways To Cool Your Soul In The HeatThe Summer of 2012 is going down in my mind as the <i>best</i> ever.
Even though, like you, I am witnessing record breaking heat, random acts of
violence, an unstable economy, and a nasty political campaign. At the same
time, I am feeling more joy, fulfillment, and potential than at any other point
in my life. Why? Because I have been reading new books written by
two of my living heroes that have completely changed the game for me on how I'm
approaching this thing called "world."<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibL9HNVFsGymWTyYA5u6WF7Zb_fvmoQT-ikeMGQVcPX6pP_zGxNK4JBaVuTCK06l2I8jxrT3nM4_5DOwFH5HysXX85iCSB5o45F8UrWJpP-qS1qrYkNIy287xWykzYeV4Doxti_k7vpwk/s1600/Image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibL9HNVFsGymWTyYA5u6WF7Zb_fvmoQT-ikeMGQVcPX6pP_zGxNK4JBaVuTCK06l2I8jxrT3nM4_5DOwFH5HysXX85iCSB5o45F8UrWJpP-qS1qrYkNIy287xWykzYeV4Doxti_k7vpwk/s1600/Image.jpg" /></a></div>
The first is written by spiritual leader, author, and "demotivational
speaker," <a href="http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=5308711&msgid=143736&act=Z3AQ&c=1030645&destination=http%3A%2F%2Fjacobglass.typepad.com%2F" target="_blank"><b>Jacob
Glass</b></a>. For the last two decades, Glass has shared his
messages of wisdom, inspiration, and peace with mass audiences in the Southern
California region. He has assisted tens of thousands of people (myself
included) in making permanent changes by eliminating toxic relationships, and
finding ways to pursue dreams with humor, patience, and love. Now anyone
can access his work. His latest book, "<a href="http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=5308711&msgid=143736&act=Z3AQ&c=1030645&destination=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FStarve-Bully-Feed-Champion-Confidence%2Fdp%2F1452552347%2Fref%3Dsr_1_1%3Fs%3Dbooks%26ie%3DUTF8%26qid%3D1344355825%26sr%3D1-1%26keywords%3Dstarve%2Ba%2Bbully%2Bfeed%2Ba%2Bchampion" target="_blank"><i>Starve
A Bully, Feed A Champion</i></a>" provides a series of helpful and insightful
tips for coping with the stressors that we are all facing in today's
world. Chapters such as, "An Attitude of Gratitude," "Just Like Me!", "The
Proof Is In The Fruitage," and "A World Of Wonder", offer essential tips for
helping you to see the world, and your relationships with others, in a
completely fresh way. It reminds me that although I cannot change the
violence, the extreme weather, or political mudslinging, I do choose how I
experience and react it to it.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.theidearoom.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/the-charge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.theidearoom.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/the-charge.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
The other book that is helping me tap into a whole new level of empowerment
and self-efficacy this summer is titled, "<a href="http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=5308711&msgid=143736&act=Z3AQ&c=1030645&destination=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FCharge-Activating-Human-Drives-Alive%2Fdp%2F1451667531%2Fref%3Dsr_1_1%3Fs%3Dbooks%26ie%3DUTF8%26qid%3D1344355718%26sr%3D1-1%26keywords%3Dthe%2Bcharge" target="_blank"><i>The
Charge: Activating the 10 Human Drives That Make You Feel Alive</i></a>."
Written by New York Times best-selling author <a href="http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=5308711&msgid=143736&act=Z3AQ&c=1030645&destination=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.brendonburchard.com%2F" target="_blank"><b>Brendon
Burchard</b></a>, "The Charge" offers a concise and brilliant outline that
helps the reader, regardless of your location or situation, access a focused and
conscientious ascension in your daily life. It helps you to note where you
are getting "stuck", and then how to take focused and intelligent steps in a
healthier direction. What I love about Burchard's work is that he presents
profoundly instructive concepts in ways that are down-to-earth, easy-to-follow,
ethical, and effective. His ideas are grounded in Positive Psychology, a
decade of training some of the world's top speakers, and advances in
Neuroscience. I began reading his books and studying his trainings about a
year ago. And I can honestly tell you that his information has made a
substantial difference in my work, in my income, and most importantly, in the
<i>joy</i> I experience on a day-to-day basis.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
In my<a href="http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=5308711&msgid=143736&act=Z3AQ&c=1030645&destination=http%3A%2F%2Fshouldless.com%2F" target="_blank"><b>
private psychotherapy practice</b></a> in New York City I help individuals
and couples cope with feelings related to global and personal violence,
challenges in relationships, and the basic "blahs" of daily living. While
each person's emotional experience is unique and personal, I have found
unequivocally that emotional pain becomes alleviated when perspective is
changed. When one stops fighting reality with "shoulds", and begins living
reality with humility and acceptance, then they make room for emotional
changes. My work helps people understand how they can integrate tools of
healing, growth, and resilience, into every day situations and
circumstances. To learn more, feel free to respond to this email, or call
me at <a href="tel:347-227-7707" target="_blank" value="+13472277707">347-227-7707</a>. Also feel free to check out my <a href="http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=5308711&msgid=143736&act=Z3AQ&c=1030645&destination=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.therapick.com%2FDamon-Jacobs" target="_blank"><b>Therapick</b></a>
profile where you can see a short video of my work, and free profiles of other
therapists in your area.<br />
<br />
So please don't let these long hot messy days bring you down. Take back
your mind, take back your mood, take back your <i>life</i> by checking out
this new reading material. Let me know how I can help.Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-31648397943404747112012-06-24T13:41:00.001-04:002012-06-25T13:54:43.886-04:00Why I'm Getting "Lost In Staten Island" on June 28th<div>
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Loving someone with a severe mental illness is challenging. But
losing that person to suicide is one of the hardest things a family can
ever go through. Surviving such a loss takes patience, courage, hope,
and even humor. Fortunately, New York playwright Richard Sheinmel has
brought all of these elements together in his groundbreaking new play, "<a href="http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=32594575&msgid=129387&act=CU75&c=1030645&destination=http%3A%2F%2Flamama.org%2Fthe-club%2Flost-in-staten-island-more-tales-of-modern-living%2F" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"><i><b>Lost In Staten Island,</b></i></a>" now playing through July 1st at La Mama in Manhattan, 74E E.4th Street in the East Village, for <a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1281727433"><b>only $18. </b></a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitr-QJM9cNPI43oglZ_lDRxj6jyWLmYKsJG7E9uUOMW1ibyHvX7LTU5W0Qgq2n5tOGDsl3TI1ANc9f-yBOksn9AbXlNGvI40mQAySw06iV0gc2vQVqDiUvw16NuS2xdkrq__IrlQlSm-Y/s1600/8970420-18816265-thumbnail.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitr-QJM9cNPI43oglZ_lDRxj6jyWLmYKsJG7E9uUOMW1ibyHvX7LTU5W0Qgq2n5tOGDsl3TI1ANc9f-yBOksn9AbXlNGvI40mQAySw06iV0gc2vQVqDiUvw16NuS2xdkrq__IrlQlSm-Y/s1600/8970420-18816265-thumbnail.jpg" /></a></div>
Based on true events that took place in Sheinmel's family, "<a href="http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=32594575&msgid=129387&act=CU75&c=1030645&destination=http%3A%2F%2Flamama.org%2Fthe-club%2Flost-in-staten-island-more-tales-of-modern-living%2F" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"><i><b>Lost In Staten Island"</b></i></a>
offers the audience a glimpse of how a family absorbs the shock and
horror of losing a son and a brother in such a tragic way. After the
death of his brother, the character of Mitch (Sheinmel) must return home
to accompany his mother on a day full of difficult but necessary tasks.
Alternately humorous and heartfelt, the drive takes them to unexpected
places, where nerves are bared, secrets revealed, and confessions made.
Although he grew up in “the forgotten borough,” he finds the familiar
roads hard to navigate when landmarks change.<br />
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I am proud to be hosting a discussion panel following the performance on <a href="https://web.ovationtix.com/trs/pr/914421"><b>Thursday, June 28th</b></a>,
that will address the themes brought up in the play, and will help the
audience learn practical and effective ways to survive such
devastation. I am thrilled to be joined on stage by following panel: </div>
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<a href="http://www.sheinmel.com/"><b>Richard Sheinmel</b></a> (Playwright, Performer) <span style="color: #000825;">was born
on Coney Island, and is a graduate of both LaGuardia HS for Music
and the Performing Arts and NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts. </span><span style="color: #000825;"> His produced plays include <i>Downtown Dysfunctionals </i>(librettist; Zipper Theater, 2001) where he met his longtime collaborator composer and lyricist Clay Zambo, <i>Jitter</i> (Arclight Theatre, 2006), and the <i>Modern Living</i> series which began in 2006, in the club at La MaMa ETC and is currently now playing, of which the <i>Post Modern Living</i> edition was published in “Plays and Playwrights 2011” and is available for download at <a href="http://indietheaternow.com/" target="_blank">IndieTheaterNow.com</a>. For more information or to contact Richard go to<a href="http://www.sheinmel.com/"><b> </b></a><b><a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=7644366697995907954&postID=3164839794340474711" target="_blank">www.sheinmel.com</a></b>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span id="internal-source-marker_0.8690359995039666" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><b>Deniece
Chi</b> (Family Coordinator at </span><a href="http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=32594575&msgid=129387&act=CU75&c=1030645&destination=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nami.org%2F" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"><b>National Alliance On Mentally Ill</b></a><b>) </b><span id="internal-source-marker_0.8690359995039666" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">turned to NAMI for help in January 2005, two weeks
after her daughter Lucy was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. A single
mom at the time, Deniece decided to educate herself about her daughter’s
condition, particularly since she was finding that the existence of
mental illness was often denied in her Caribbean culture. Her commitment to the program led to her
hire in January 2010 as NAMI-NYC Metro’s Family and Basics Coordinator
and State Trainer. Since then, Deniece has taught over 50 classes and
has graduated over 500 parents and professionals. Deniece has been
instrumental in NAMI-NYC Metro’s use of NAMI Basics to train workers in
the child welfare system and parent advocates in the mental health and
child welfare systems. She is honored to be able to help family members
find the support, respect and services that they deserve. </span></span></div>
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<b>Kathy McGuire</b> (Volunteer with <a href="http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=32594575&msgid=129387&act=CU75&c=1030645&destination=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.afsp.org%2F" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"><b>American Foundation For Suicide Prevention</b></a><b>) </b>provides support, aid, and comfort to those who
have lost someone to suicide after losing her own father to suicide in
1971. Her day job is a Sales Assistant with a Wall Street brokerage
firm. Kathy was born and raised in New York City in the exact middle of the baby
boom and remained a lifetime resident. Her favorite things in the
world: swimming, kayaking, birdwatching, book clubs, and the Russian Bath-House. Ongoing reminder to herself: To get to LaMama ET more
often. </div>
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So please consider joining me for a night of entertainment, education,
and healing. Even if you can't come on June 28th, the show is
definitely worth seeing. Tickets are only $18 and <a href="https://web.ovationtix.com/trs/pr/914421"><b></b></a><b><a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=7644366697995907954&postID=3164839794340474711" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">available for purchase here.</a></b><br />
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</div>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-75279527630000526682012-06-05T16:57:00.001-04:002012-06-05T16:58:54.102-04:00Finding The Quality of Equality<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://www.theblaze.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Gay-Marriage1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://www.theblaze.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Gay-Marriage1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
History was made this past month when President Obama endorsed
same-sex marriage in the United States. There has been much media
coverage and celebration of this courageous and progressive statement.
But what I find missing in all the arguments around same-sex marriage is
how people intend to maintain the <i>quality</i> of their equality.
In a country where over half of heterosexual marriages end in divorce,
do GLBT couples truly want to replicate the exact same dynamics? Or is
there a way to change the approach to couple-hood so that <i>all</i> relationships can be politically and emotionally satisfying?<br />
<br />
Of course I am completely supportive of equal marriage rights for
all. But I am also in favor of couples becoming better educated, more
prepared, and further counseled about taking this legal step in their
relationship. I believe that Marriage Family Therapists like myself
would see a lot less business if people learned basic relationship skill
sets <i>before </i>they committed to a lifetime together. My
psychotherapy practice assists individuals and couples in learning
effective and proactive tools that can be easily implemented outside the
therapy room, so that relationships remain a source of empowerment,
fulfillment, and fun.<br />
<br />
I have always believed that arts and entertainment, especially
theater, can be a great source of learning and reflection. To that end, I
am <i>thrilled</i> to be facilitating a panel discussion after "<a href="http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=5308752&msgid=126118&act=69N2&c=1030645&destination=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.adanceforrylie.com%2F" target="_blank"><b>A Dance For Rylie</b></a>"
on Wednesday, June 13th, at 45 Bleecker Street, at 5pm. This
innovative and groundbreaking musical examines the political and medical
intricacies of a serodiscordant relationship (meaning one is HIV
positive and the other is HIV negative). It demonstrates the essential
role of compassion, communication, and compromise, in building and
sustaining a long term and joyful union. I hope you will join me on
June 13th, or any one of the other performances, for this beautiful and
eloquent play. The tickets are only $18, and are <a href="http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=5308752&msgid=126118&act=69N2&c=1030645&destination=http%3A%2F%2Fplanetconnections.org%2FA-Dance-For-Rylie-a-new-musical%2F" target="_blank"><b>on sale here. </b></a><br />
<br />
The biggest mistake one can make in a relationship is to wait until
it's over to ask for help. Would you wait until the house burned down
to call the fire department? Then please consider how counseling can
help you maintain the quality of your equality <i>before</i> the arguments, the resentments, and the anger build up. To discuss further, please feel to reach me at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com" target="_blank">Shouldless@gmail.com</a>, or call at <a href="tel:347-227-7707" target="_blank" value="+13472277707">347-227-7707</a>. If you or anyone you know wants to see a video profile of my work, please check out my <a href="http://click.icptrack.com/icp/relay.php?r=5308752&msgid=126118&act=69N2&c=1030645&destination=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.therapick.com%2FDamon-Jacobs" target="_blank"><b>Therapick page. </b></a><br />
<br />
I hope your summer is starting "should-less"! Let me know how I can help. <br />
<br />Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-11468600871602214682012-05-15T17:42:00.001-04:002012-05-15T17:43:12.816-04:00It Goes Without Saying Doesn't Go Without Saying<br />
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<a href="http://www.fixmarriage.info/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Marriage-in-crisis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" kba="true" src="http://www.fixmarriage.info/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Marriage-in-crisis.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />
I recently was listening to a podcast during which a discussion ensued about the importance of effective HIV prevention, education tools. and fundraisers like the <a data-cke-saved-href="http://aidswalknewyork2012.kintera.org/damonljacobs" href="http://aidswalknewyork2012.kintera.org/damonljacobs">AIDS Walk</a>. During this dialogue, the guest repeatedly told the hosts, "<em>It goes without saying..</em>.", as if everyone was in unanimous agreement about how to help prevent HIV, and this "should" have already be known. This exchange made me realize how assumptions, shaming, and "shoulds" can impair effective communication not only in public spheres, but in personal relationships.<br />
<br />
From where I sit, <em>nothing </em>goes without saying. It doesn't matter if you are communicating to a million listeners, or one primary partner, believing that something just goes without saying, and you shouldn't have to use words to express yourself, greatly impairs your ability to relate with others, to build trust, and to form deeper connections. Nothing compromises a relationship as much as verbally shutting down. When someone says "I shouldn't have to __________[show affection, say 'thank you', give attention, or say 'I love you']", they are literally damaging the structure of their relationship, and creating a breeding ground of disconnection, fear, and withdrawal.<br />
<br />
My private practice assists individuals and couples learn how to use effective communication strategies that enable deeper intimacy and joy with others. A significant part of that has included challenging and unlearning harmful "shoulds" that impair one's ability to connect and build loving relationships with others. And another essential ingredient involves reducing the amount of assumptions and misunderstandings that take place verbally and non-verbally throughout the course of a relationship. It is through <em>these</em> changes that it becomes possible to make choices and decisions that allow loving connections with others to flourish. If you are interested in learning more, please don't hesitate to contact me at <a data-cke-saved-href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com" href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a>, or call me at 347-227-7707. Or to see a video preview of my work, please check out my <a data-cke-saved-href="http://www.therapick.com/Damon-Jacobs" href="http://www.therapick.com/Damon-Jacobs"><strong>Therapick profile</strong></a> where you can see me and dozens of other therapists in your area. Late night appointments are available on request.<br />
<br />
Speaking of communication and HIV/AIDS services, I am proud to be walking again this year in the 2012 New York AIDS Walk. The funds raised provide meals, medical care, mental health, and case management services that maximize the quality and quantity of life for people living with HIV. If you are able, <a data-cke-saved-href="http://aidswalknewyork2012.kintera.org/damonljacobs" href="http://aidswalknewyork2012.kintera.org/damonljacobs"><strong>please donate what you can here. </strong></a><br />
<br />
I hope you are having a great week, and let me know how I can help,Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-2960573913965108132012-04-05T19:22:00.004-04:002012-04-13T03:36:53.916-04:00FREE Rational Relating Workshop Monday April 23rd<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: large;">You've Heard Relationships Covered From Every Perspective...Except This One</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqQWUuYlC4HS2Rk3j4rUMrNA2aLaOC3uHRmRey-rlCmRuLK_sADE8nL0WGJih-Z4BFPHJ5RdNyoioxjK0uAaip_P1TRlm9K1AuX4kouyZEVBCD7uDQAjuhm1NJLRAI4GZ9vN76vVxKlHw/s1600/RR.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" nda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqQWUuYlC4HS2Rk3j4rUMrNA2aLaOC3uHRmRey-rlCmRuLK_sADE8nL0WGJih-Z4BFPHJ5RdNyoioxjK0uAaip_P1TRlm9K1AuX4kouyZEVBCD7uDQAjuhm1NJLRAI4GZ9vN76vVxKlHw/s320/RR.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Relating with other humans doesn't have to be that complicated! Why do the majority of relationships end in pain, hurt, and anger? Because most people are never taught the intelligent and practical tools and skills necessary for finding and enhancing serenity, joy, and g<span class="text_exposed_show">ratitude in an intimate relationship. They are at a loss as to how to maintain authentic connections with other humans on a consistent basis. They don’t have role models or guides to demonstrate and teach the intricacies of negotiations and compromise. They don’t understand that love, attention, respect, and honor, are given to one’s self before they can be truly received from someone else. <br /><br />After 15 years of helping couples and individuals in relationships, I have found certain "pillars" to be the present in all successful relationship "structures." These are: <br /><br />**Integrity<br />**Communication<br />**Compassion<br />**Responsibility<br />**Compromise<br /><br />As with any structure, these pillars need to be proactively attended to and reinforced consistently in order to weather the storms and stressors of every day living. This workshop will offer participants the opportunity to learn fun and effective ways to integrate these pillars into their every day relationships. <br /><br />Join us for a FREE evening of information, fun, and learning! </span><br />
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<strong>Monday, April 23rd, at 7:30pm, at 311 W. 43rd Street, 8th Floor</strong><br /><span class="text_exposed_show"><br />Questions? Please write me at Shouldless@gmail.com </span></div>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-89282220480285126842012-03-21T15:42:00.000-04:002012-03-21T15:42:24.297-04:00YOU Are Enough!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://69.89.31.93/%7Ebabyrabi/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/baby-sam.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://69.89.31.93/%7Ebabyrabi/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/baby-sam.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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I recently had the good fortune to spend time with a five-month-old
child. He was patient, calm, loving, totally open to giving and
receiving kindness and affection. He did not have to be told that he
was valuable or perfect, he simply <em>lived</em> that truth. I found
myself wanting to protect him from the inevitable messages he will
receive from this world - that somehow he is not good enough, strong
enough, deserving enough. I wanted him to grow up remembering every
day: YOU ARE ENOUGH!<br />
<br />
Sadly, most people grow up being told
the opposite. Children are rarely given clear and effective
instructions of how to dismiss toxic messages that instruct that
difference is bad, individuality is inferior, emotions are weak. Adults
tend to internalize these messages and use them to negatively perceive
themselves as "old," "fat," "addicted," "damaged," "weary,"
"unaccomplished," "infected," "disappointed," "unlovable," and
"inadequate." These pejorative labels then become the templates upon
which people build unhealthy relationships, make harmful decisions, and
suffer great emotional difficulty.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXEJsvAXFeffH4fHLJXj9-fOCqSz15g4GpyYpD4avVYmnkazsCUoyiwIxR2EUAvwH8bEHQh_FDUFXNmqCWC-OMnpikSWaOrPnVwXlWRHIW9sILFL2lEcrAhAaYnCoFseguGj439uWN2xw/s400/keyra_hairdown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXEJsvAXFeffH4fHLJXj9-fOCqSz15g4GpyYpD4avVYmnkazsCUoyiwIxR2EUAvwH8bEHQh_FDUFXNmqCWC-OMnpikSWaOrPnVwXlWRHIW9sILFL2lEcrAhAaYnCoFseguGj439uWN2xw/s320/keyra_hairdown.jpg" width="232" /></a></div>
It doesn't have to be this way!! My book "<a data-cke-saved-href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1" href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1"><strong>Absolutely Should-less</strong></a>" offers a step-by-step guide to challenging and unlearning <em>any</em>
message that suggests you are not worthy, not valuable, not good
enough. My therapy practice helps people understand there is no
universal committee that is judging how much you should weigh, how much
money you should be making, whom you should and shouldn't be attracted
to, or what you should look like. These are all <em>internalized messages</em>
people receive that are designed to make them depressed, powerless,
defeated, and consequently spend money on products they don't really
need.<br />
<br />
Clearly, a newborn child needs no help in this area. But
as adults living in this world, we need to be disciplined and determined
to challenge and dispute harmful or painful beliefs. Therapy can
help. To learn more about my work, or to find a therapist in your area,
please feel free to check out my <strong><a data-cke-saved-href="http://www.therapick.com/Damon-Jacobs" href="http://www.therapick.com/Damon-Jacobs">Therapick profile. </a></strong>From
there you can also search for therapists in your area, and see a 2-3
minute video describing how each counselor works. This service empowers
the consumer to investigate and learn more about the professional they
may wish to see.<br />
<br />
My private practice assists individuals and
couples learn the long-held (and usually unconscious) thought patterns
that result in anger, stress, depression, hopelessness, and suffering. I
have found unequivocally that when people challenge and alter certain
beliefs they experience a sense of relief, calm, satisfaction, and
empowerment. It is through <em>these</em> changes that it is possible
to make affirmative and effective decisions that last a lifetime! If
you are interested in learning more, please don't hesitate to contact me
at <a data-cke-saved-href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com" href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a>, or call me at 347-227-7707.<br />
I hope you have a wonderful spring, and let me know how I can help!<br />
<br /><br />Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-47177870663771398232011-11-07T11:41:00.001-05:002011-11-07T11:41:56.279-05:00Best Holiday Ever!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This marks the fifteenth year I have been working in the the mental health profession. The one thing that I have seen remain constant from year to year is the amount of stress that takes place during the last two months of each calendar year. <br />
<br />
For many people, the
holiday season can be a time of fear, guilt, sorrow, loss, social
pressures, and financial pressures. For the first time ever, I am
offering my tried-and-true tips to experiencing "should-less"
holidays. In this FREE video series, I will guide you through each
step toward challenging and unlearning stressful "shoulds" around
spending money, giving gifts, and navigating social obligations.<br />
<br />
In this series I cover:<br />
<br />
-The "Should Pie" for challenging stressful holiday "shoulds."<br />
-The 7 simple questions you can use to reduce and eliminate any harmful "should."<br />
-The 5 Tips For Reducing Gift Giving Guilt<br />
-How to incorporate these tools into the rest of your life 365 days a year.<br />
<br />
Please come visit me at <a href="http://www.shouldless.com/">www.shouldless.com</a> and learn how to make the rest of the year a time of joy, fun, and fulfillment!<br />
<br />Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-28033268287529105232011-09-23T16:08:00.012-04:002011-09-23T16:21:11.390-04:00Rational Polyamory<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfnQp1IFtFA66oA2eL2xemThm91cXMwS1W6iwDJo_6Jnma67_TRhs4m3N77yMefWupohr1pzoyBQIWPjBgqHqdxac6DJ7fhnq4eLQQ7jesVPzO1oqwIO_M5y5GAxefOUh2WqYwWWCWkN4/s1600/logo_small.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfnQp1IFtFA66oA2eL2xemThm91cXMwS1W6iwDJo_6Jnma67_TRhs4m3N77yMefWupohr1pzoyBQIWPjBgqHqdxac6DJ7fhnq4eLQQ7jesVPzO1oqwIO_M5y5GAxefOUh2WqYwWWCWkN4/s1600/logo_small.jpg" /></a></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">I</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"> am so thrilled to be a guest speaker at the monthly <b><a href="http://www.openloveny.com/">Open Love NYC</a></b> Discussion Group this </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Tuesday, September 27, from 7:30-9:30. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">The topic is "Rational Polyamory" and reflects my growing interest in helping people create wonderfully joyful, fulfilling, and rationally based relationships with others.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Individuals who share love and affection with more than one person are uniquely positioned to experience deeper levels of pleasure and satisfaction in all relationships. But without certain principles they may often flounder and become frustrated. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">I will be offering an easy roadmap for participants to implement in order to gain more satisfaction and fulfillment in their daily</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"> interactions</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 15px;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">. Attendees will learn how to:</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 15px;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />• Improve rational communication that promotes respect, integrity, and efficacy in interpersonal relationships with multiple partners.<br />• Learn the value of staying present and ways to maintain here-and-now focus.<br />• Explore impact of "drama" in increasing frustrations and resentments.<br />• Gain tools for managing and inevitable insecurities that arise in poly relationships.<br />• Maintain responsibility for one's own emotional wellness and state of serenity in relationships.<br /><br />Tuesday, September 27 – 7:30 pm to 9:30 pm<br />Manhattan Theater Club<br />311 West 43rd Street at Eighth Avenue, 8th Floor<br />New York, NY 10036<br />Subway to Times Square or Port Authority<br /><br />Admission: $10 at the door (includes membership bracelet)<br />$8 for Open Love NY members with 2011 member bracelet</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 15px;">So if you're in the New York area this Tuesday, come by and say hello to me and the good folks of <b><a href="http://www.openloveny.com/">Open Love NY!</a></b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 15px;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 15px;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html">Damon L. Jacobs</a></span> is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "<i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</span></a></i>." To have him speak with your group, schedule a counseling visit, or a Skype consultation, call 347-227-7707, or email at <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;"><a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;"><a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com"></a></span></span><a class="twitter-share-button" href="http://twitter.com/share"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;">Tweet This </span></a>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-48228667508791271982011-09-18T15:02:00.003-04:002011-09-18T15:18:10.492-04:00Changes Ahead...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://reverseretrograde.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/change-architect-sign1.jpg?w=1024&h=768" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://reverseretrograde.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/change-architect-sign1.jpg?w=1024&h=768" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
</div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<span style="font-size: small;">If there is one thing that ever stays the same it is change. If
there's a second thing that stays the same, it's the perspective that
things "should" be the way they used to be. And if there's a third
thing that remains the same, it is the irritation, frustration, and
hopeless that results from having "shoulds" about change.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I am especially fascinated by this subject this
month, as it seems all our lives personally and globally are undergoing a
metamorphosis. From the economy to politics, to our interpersonal
relationships, and even the ways we consume entertainment, there is a
shift that is being sparked by rapid changes in technology, access to
information, and a breaking down of old systems. These shifts can be
scary and disappointing, yet with the right tools, can be approached
from a place of clarity, certainty, and serenity. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">In coming months, you will be seeing some changes here as well. The way I approach this blog, this website, and teaching "should-less" ideas, are all going through an entire revamp, and I am <i>very</i> excited about what is coming next. Stay tuned! </span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br clear="all" /><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">My
psychotherapy practice focuses on solution-based approaches for
expanding hope, happiness, healing, and strength. I also help people
learn effective tools for managing grief and loss, bereavement, ageism,
stress, depression, social anxiety, bullying, and anger. I specialize
working with individuals and/or couples coping with addiction, HIV
related concerns, caretaking fatigue, spiritual/religious issues, and
coming out. I currently see clients in Manhattan on Tuesdays and
Fridays at 1133 Broadway (at 26th street), and have later night
appointments for those who cannot attend during <span style="background-color: #decaff; color: #222222;">the</span> day. </span></span><br />
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">I
offer lectures and workshops throughout New York that assistant
participants in managing their daily lives and relationships with
greater satisfaction, more enjoyment, and less suffering. To see
highlights <span style="background-color: #decaff; color: #222222;">from</span> my "Give Up Your Shoulds Day" conference in New York City last November, please check out <a href="http://t.co/lwmDFhA" style="color: #0065cc;" target="_blank">http://t.co/lwmDFhA</a>. If you are interested in having me as a presenter for your group or at your business, please feel free to write me at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com" style="color: #0065cc;" target="_blank">Shouldless@gmail.com</a>, or call me at <a href="tel:347-227-7707" style="color: #0065cc;" target="_blank">347-227-7707</a>. To read about more tools for managing life without "shoulds," please check out my blog at <a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/" style="color: #0065cc;" target="_blank">http://shouldless.blogspot.<wbr></wbr>com</a>.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial,sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I
am very excited to announce that I now offer Skype Consultations for
people outside of New York City. These consultations also focus on
helping people compromise and negotiate in order to increase joy,
acceptance, and fun in their everyday relationships, as well as promote
health and wellness in all <span style="background-color: #decaff; color: #222222;">the</span> areas listed above. If you are interested in taking part in a private consultation, then please contact me. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html"><b>Damon L. Jacobs</b></a>
is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples
in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism,
bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian
issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in
non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "<b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</a></i></b>." To have him speak with your group, schedule a counseling visit, or a Skype consultation, call 347-227-7707, or email at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span><br />
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</div>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-77801412537087232452011-08-02T13:25:00.006-04:002011-08-02T14:21:35.904-04:00Swinging From The Debt Ceiling: The Art and Skill Of Compromise<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/MSNBC/Components/Slideshows/_production/_archive/Cartoons/ss-101105-compromise/ss-101105-compromise-01.photoblog600.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="217" src="http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/MSNBC/Components/Slideshows/_production/_archive/Cartoons/ss-101105-compromise/ss-101105-compromise-01.photoblog600.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Like most people, I have been carefully watching the
confrontations and controversy unfolding in Washington D.C. as the
American economy has been on the verge of what news sources called "a
total collapse." I have watched with a mix of fear, dread, and I will
admit, fascination, at the arguments taking place amongst a small group
of elected officials who appear to be in charge of my financial future.
The "fascination" part comes from witnessing how very few people
involved with these negotiations have appeared interested or willing to
engage in a respectful and dignified compromise until the very last
minute. I couldn't help but be reminded of how many relationships I
have seen on the verge of similar collapse, and similarly how much time,
energy, and money was spent on waiting until the last opportunity to
compromise. <br />
<br />
The primary reason for this is that most people perceive "compromise" as
giving in, losing, and accepting of defeat. However, in all
relationships, personal or professional, compromising is actually the
exact opposite of failing. Compromise is an opportunity to build a new
path with someone for a greater cause. It forces you to expand your
point-of-view, and evolve beyond a rigid and limited framework. It
enables you to have empathy for another side, and use that perspective
to create a solution that has not been tried before. In short,
compromise offers you much more than "winning" ever can. <br />
<br />
Can you imagine what would have happened if Congress had chosen to
compromise months ago? It is quite possible that the stock market,
interest rates, and the economy would have been so much stronger by now
if elected officials opted to expand their rigid thinking patterns.
Likewise, I have seen many couples go through therapy as a last resort
right before "total collapse" of their relationship. It would be to
every one's advantage to learn the art and skill of effective,
productive, and respectful negotiation. <br />
<br />
My private psychotherapy practice assists individuals and couples in
learning this skill. As a Marriage Family Therapist, I have fifteen
years of promoting compromise, compassion, and integrity for people
struggling in personal and professional relationships. Whether someone
is feeling challenged in an intimate relationship with a partner, a
family member, or a boss, I have found tools to help people rationally
and effectively manage challenging negotiations and differences. If
you would be interested in learning how compromise can be an opportunity
for growth and for forming deeper connections with others in your life, I would love
to help. Skype consultations are now available for those outside the New York City area. <br />
<br />
I
am now offering lectures and workshops throughout New York that assistant participants in managing their
daily lives and relationships with greater satisfaction, more compromise, and less suffering. To see
highlights from my "Give Up Your Shoulds Day" conference in New York
City last November, please check out <a href="http://t.co/lwmDFhA" target="_blank">http://t.co/lwmDFhA</a>. If you are interested in having me as a presenter for your group or at your business, please feel free to write me at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com" target="_blank">Shouldless@gmail.com</a>, or call me at <a href="tel:347-227-7707" target="_blank">347-227-7707</a>. To read about
more tools for managing life without "shoulds," please check out my blog
at <a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">http://shouldless.blogspot.com</a><wbr></wbr>.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html"><b>Damon L. Jacobs</b></a>
is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples
in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism,
bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian
issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in
non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "<b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</a></i></b>." To have him speak with your group, schedule a counseling visit, or a Skype consultation, call 347-227-7707, or email at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqMVqIPelSnWnXp6YS-vUJnRPRUpG_Z5o4kmAEcSRVad3wLYTZRCGSAFXo6C1MrVrzVVR0Ktl-0gebpy1guxUcubmAD2xrQu-NylYEsaC6IVEP8VAvX6l4Dg6ywIONu04zfIOAceEQL6w/s1600/-1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqMVqIPelSnWnXp6YS-vUJnRPRUpG_Z5o4kmAEcSRVad3wLYTZRCGSAFXo6C1MrVrzVVR0Ktl-0gebpy1guxUcubmAD2xrQu-NylYEsaC6IVEP8VAvX6l4Dg6ywIONu04zfIOAceEQL6w/s320/-1.gif" width="226" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><b><span style="font-size: large;">Wednesday, July 27th, at Stonewall Inn (53 Christopher Street) at 10pm</span></b></div>
<br />
Come
meet the New York writer everybody is talking about. <a href="http://www.justinplusone.com/"><b>Justin Luke </b></a>will
be Damon and Truett's special guest on Relating. Justin will talk about
his career, writing style and inspiration, becoming a night club icon,
and his main character Gulliver! <br />
<br />
Justin's new novel, "Gulliver
Travels", is an incredibly fun, yet honest, story of Gully, the young
guy that . . . "sinks fast into the chronic life o<span class="text_exposed_hide"></span><span class="text_exposed_show">f
sex, booze, and boys. Just scraping by in the city that never sleeps .
. . Gully quickly discovers that this strange, concrete jungle has some
major surprises in store. Luckily he has some tricks up his sleeve, and
he isn't afraid to use his claws." <br /><br />Justin will give an
early bedtime reading from 'Gulliver Travels', as well as sign your
copy. To read more about Justin you can go to the following: <br /><br />Justin's new novel can be purchased at most New York book stores; <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Gulliver-Travels-Justin-Luke-Zirilli/dp/0615489621/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310131761&sr=8-1"><b>however, it is also available at amazon.com.</b></a> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html"><b>Damon L. Jacobs</b></a>
is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples
in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism,
bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian
issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in
non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "<b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</a></i></b>." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span><br />
<b><a class="twitter-share-button" href="http://twitter.com/share">Tweet This Event</a><span class="text_exposed_show"> </span></b>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-90080953378836534972011-06-28T16:08:00.011-04:002011-07-24T01:54:23.347-04:00Before You Rush To The Altar: The Five Secrets Of Successful Relationships<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTXnO6PVnnz-v_eTEumIWF2Msw4pLq6W-NfdtZkjI7bkuVe-l70T4q_aOpSfiS1YMh8JNSTmxTy6a9T6cmZyW-fpdCFlB2gj6sxz21Diiiw3Xa1a02HIY9hDyHsifIb0XYK2aFgRo5HtE/s1600/marriageequality.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTXnO6PVnnz-v_eTEumIWF2Msw4pLq6W-NfdtZkjI7bkuVe-l70T4q_aOpSfiS1YMh8JNSTmxTy6a9T6cmZyW-fpdCFlB2gj6sxz21Diiiw3Xa1a02HIY9hDyHsifIb0XYK2aFgRo5HtE/s320/marriageequality.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
New York State passed a historic victory for gay/lesbian couples on June 24th, 2011, allowing same-sex couples to marry and enjoy equal legal rights as heterosexuals. This is a profound political triumph for human rights everywhere. However, beyond the euphoria and celebration I strongly urge all couples, gay or straight, to contemplate the gravity of making such a commitment. Just because we now have the legal option to marry, it does not mean it is automatically the right choice at this time. Many couples may rush to take advantage of this new opportunity without building the necessary framework for enjoying and maintaining a long term successful union. <br />
<br />
There are five principles and tools that can enhance and improve a couple's ability to maintain love, fulfillment, and commitment for the long run. In my fifteen years of practicing individual and couples therapy, I have found these five secrets indispensable for those who seek to enjoy long term nourishing and loving relationships:<br />
<br />
<b>Creativity vs. Conformity: </b>Couples who experience joy together are able to create a structure and framework that is uniquely right for them, as opposed to automatically conforming to what society says they "should" do. For example, in the world at large it may be considered "wrong" or "selfish" for one to go on a vacation without a spouse. But what if one person in a couple loves traveling and the other hates it? It is quite possible, and I would argue necessary, for couples who want to avoid resentments and bitterness to create arrangements that are specifically right for them. This pertains to travel, handling money, sexual frequency, child rearing, socializing with friends, <i>any</i> action or situation that impacts both parties can be served by being respectfully created and negotiated. <br />
<br />
<b>Communication vs Conclusion: </b>So often couples think they know each other well enough that they can conclude what the other person is thinking or feeling. A partner might say, "I know my husband doesn't want to see that play so I'm not even going to ask him." What gets lost here is the ability for two people to communicate, and again create, a solution that is right for both parties. Even if it's true that your husband doesn't love theater, people do change, and he might still appreciate being asked. It is so easy for us in a busy world to <i>assume</i> we know what our partners want and need. These assumptions can often lead to missed opportunities, hurt feelings, and more resentments. I encourage couples to respectfully communicate and <i>ask questions even if you think you already know the answer</i>. Counseling can be a great way for couples to learn unique and effective ways to communicate thoughts, needs, desires, preferences, and goals.<br />
<br />
<b>Compassion vs. Condemnation: </b>So what if you have a partner who doesn't share many of your interests? What if you can't wait to get to City Hall to get married and he's expressing concerns or doubts? What if you're wanting sex more often than him? These areas can all be created and communicated utilizing compassion. When you are compassionate, it does <i>not</i> mean you agree and go along everything your partner wants. But it does mean you make a genuine effort to be empathic, that is, to see and feel things from their point of view. Compassion is recognizing nobody wakes up saying, "I can't wait to be an asshole today." We are all trying to do the best we can with what we have, and some days are easier than others. The opposite of this is condemnation, which involves blaming your partner for how you feel, putting him or her down for having different perspectives or needs, and making him or her "wrong." Condemnation results in anger, resentments, at times domestic violence, and mostly definitely plays a fundamental role in divorces and separations. Couples counseling can be instrumental in helping couples shift from condemnation to compassion in their interactions.<br />
<br />
<b>Contribution vs. Control: </b>In successful long-term relationships there is a sense of two people contributing toward a common goal, as opposed to one person making all the decisions and seeking to control the other. This can become tricky in relationships where there is a significant difference in income, age, health, or other power imbalance. However, even when circumstances contribute to power differentials, it is still possible, and necessary, for both members to feel they are contributing something vital and essential to the relationship. This can be accomplished by using the previous three tools above (creation, communication, compassion), and figuring out areas where both can feel empowered. If one person is the breadwinner, perhaps the other can bake the bread. Any opportunity for both members to feel they are giving to the one another, and contributing to the relationship as a whole, will increase their satisfaction, enjoyment, and sense of pride.<br />
<br />
<b>Connection vs. Completion: </b>Unfortunately, many have been taught by pop culture and Hollywood films that a relationship is meant to "complete" them, or help them find their "missing soul mate." This, in my personal and professional experience, is one of the biggest misnomers and crimes ever perpetuated against long-term unions. Not only is it impossible for someone to meet all your needs, but it is no one's responsibility to or ability to "make" you feel anything. Every great philosopher, therapist, or relationship expert, from Epictetus to Dr. Albert Ellis to Tina Turner to Oprah Winfrey, has discussed the importance of taking responsibility for one's own growth and development. Another person in a fulfilling relationship can <i>promote and enhance </i>that growth, but does not "make" it happen. Partnerships thrive when they are based in the authentic and pure desire to connect with someone, <i>not</i> to hold them accountable for your "completion."<br />
<br />
Good counseling can promote wellness, love, respect, and sustainability in all stages of couplehood. To learn more, please do not hesitate to contact me Shouldless@gmail.com, or call 347-227-7707. <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html"><b>Damon L. Jacobs</b></a> is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "<b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</a></i></b>." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span><b> </b><br />
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<div id="fb-root"></div><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:comments href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/06/5secrets.html" num_posts="1" width="500"></fb:comments>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-7203240512489997382011-06-28T02:56:00.001-04:002011-06-28T02:59:19.074-04:00Relating With The Stonewall Riot Survivors!<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Relating with Damon and Truett </b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>June 29th, 53 Christopher Street</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>6:30pm</b></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkk3BSmPWdOCa5K_VEoypACk0t6rpekD0YejAoYVcA0ajrisseIK9MsPkI8yIjen3uzHcTy2PDp0d2F6idio5DR8vEUD3nGPVIRYx_k7G3rz3IGue2pCvpC5u8jgRYqbcrpL2AbeujhWY/s1600/-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkk3BSmPWdOCa5K_VEoypACk0t6rpekD0YejAoYVcA0ajrisseIK9MsPkI8yIjen3uzHcTy2PDp0d2F6idio5DR8vEUD3nGPVIRYx_k7G3rz3IGue2pCvpC5u8jgRYqbcrpL2AbeujhWY/s320/-3.jpg" width="226" /></a></div>
<br />
Jerry
Hoose and Tommy Schmidt were there on June 28th, 1969 at the historic
Stonewall riots. Now, over 40 years later, Jerry and Tommy, who were
both featured in the documentary "<a href="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/films/stonewall/"><b>Stonewall Uprising</b></a>", will make another
appearance at The Stonewall Inn, as our special guest they will discuss
the night that changed the face of America forever. <br />
<br />
Swing by The Stonewall Inn (53 Christopher Street) on June 29th, meet Jerry and Tommy, and hea<span class="text_exposed_show">r
about the LGBTQ movements that have happened over the years; however,
it all started at The Stonewall Inn with brave young people like Jerry
and Tommy. Their stories are amazing and very inspirational! <br /><br />Also we'll have a special performance by the very talented Stonewall Sensation winner, Erik Sisco. <br /><br />Our guest group for the evening will be the 'Gay Coaches Collective'.<br /><br />The show's schedule:<br />6:30-7:00pm: Socializing and drinks<br />7:00-8:00pm: Discussion with Jerry Hoose and Tommy Schmidt<br />8:00pm: Erik Sisco will perform "I am what I am" and "Over the rainbow"<br /><br />After the talk show and performances we will have a Stonewall post-pride party so everyone can meet Jerry and Tommy. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html"><b>Damon L. Jacobs</b></a>
is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples
in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism,
bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues,
stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional
arrangements. He is the author of "<b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</a></i></b>." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span><b> </b><br />
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<a class="twitter-share-button" href="http://twitter.com/share">Tweet</a></div>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-23327384589406434852011-06-13T13:45:00.005-04:002011-06-13T14:55:35.598-04:00The Tweeting Of Blame<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;">
<span class="single_quote">"We are always paid for our suspicion by finding what we suspect."</span><br />
<span class="author_name">- David Henry Thoreau</span></div>
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;">
"If you point
out <span class="searchword">the</span> errors of your bro<span class="searchword">the</span>r's <span class="searchword">ego</span> you must be seeing through
yours"</div>
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;">
<span class="author_name">-A Course In Miracles</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">You may succeed in making another feel guilty about</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">is about you that is making you unhappy. " </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">-Wayne Dyer</span></div>
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<a href="http://www.weiner.house.gov/images/anthony_weiner.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="http://www.weiner.house.gov/images/anthony_weiner.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span class="author_name">There has been a profound amount of finger pointing and guilt seeking online this week. From Congressman Anthony Weiner to daytime soap star Crystal Chappell, I have seen online boards flooded with pages and pages devoted to seeking fault and perceived moral deficit in other people. Twitter offers a unique and effective way to complain and blame, given that 140 characters hardly allows you to experience a rich discussion or get a sense of complexity or depth that fuel people actions. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span class="author_name">To review: people have been up in arms because New York Congressman Anthony Weiner sent out a series of PG-13 pictures of his body to various females, and lied about it publicly (though more details are unfolding as this is being written). Emmy winning Crystal Chappell has been taken to task because she opted not to defend a cast mate who was cruelly bullied by a media figure on Twitter. This past week most people I know have been commenting/blogging/posting/tweeting and forming judgments about the choices of these public figures with inflated superiority. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span class="author_name">There is a special type of adrenaline reserved for moral indignation. As far as I can see, millions of people are getting high right now off their sense of righteousness. </span></span><br />
<br />
To be clear: <i>you cannot find guilt in others that you do not perceive within yourself. </i>This is just as true for bullies in schools as it is for judgmental religious leaders, as it is for soap fans on Twitter. You can only condemn in others parts of yourself you don't like. Twitter, and American culture at large, enable and encourage you to perceive guilt and fault in someone or something outside of yourself. But finger wagging and blame won't change the feelings and desires you are uncomfortable with.<br />
<br />
This is most evident in the example of gay bullying. The only reason one would choose to focus on another person's sexual orientation is if they were uncomfortable with their own. It is usually closeted gay teens who violently seek out and pursue attention from other (perceived) gay teens in the form of bullying. When someone has comfort within themselves about who they are, they have no reason to fear and condemn the actions and desires of others.<br />
<br />
Similarly, Anthony Weiner's behaviors have set off a maelstrom of insecurities about the structure of the traditional heterosexual dyad. His actions have challenged the foundation of "monogamy" and "cheating." Instead of people looking at the issues he brings up, and their own interest and stimulation by his activities, they are resolving to handle this internal stress by blaming him and calling for his resignation. If he does quit, it will do nothing to further resolve the fundamental problems in people's relationships, and will only enable people to blame others the next time a political scandal breaks (and there will be a next time!). <br />
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<a href="http://images.wikia.com/daysofourlives/images/2/23/Crystal_chappell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://images.wikia.com/daysofourlives/images/2/23/Crystal_chappell.jpg" width="208" /></a></div>
Crystal Chappell's Twitter activities have also provoked thousands of thousands of comments and opinions regarding what she "should" have done when a colleague was verbally attacked. Once again, people can narrowly focus on the "shoulds" of others, and gain adrenaline-fueled momentum on their search for finding fault and assigning guilt. <i>But doing so won't make their lives any happier.</i><br />
<br />
Responsibility and integrity are essential ingredients in the recipe of mental health. This starts when you decide to focus on the person in the mirror instead of public figures. Ask yourself, "In what ways have <i>I</i> have behaved outside of my integrity? Have <i>I</i> ever been tempted to engage in a relationship outside of a monogamous dyad? Is Anthony Weiner really bad, or does it just piss me off that he almost got away with doing something I really wanted to do?" Or ask yourself, "In what ways have <i>I </i>not stood up for someone in my life? How have my actions contradicted my intentions? Is Crystal Chappell really wrong, or does she just remind me of times in my life when I have fallen short by not being there for someone else?"<br />
<br />
Focusing on the errors of others is a great way to avoid responsibility within yourself, feel high off superiority, and gain community with others who are doing the same thing. But it won't help you sleep at night, and it won't enable you to have more authentic feelings of pleasure, enjoyment, and serenity. Instead of seeking fault in others, try noticing what uncomfortable feelings are aroused. You may be surprised at what you find!<br />
<br />
**NOTE: Since the writing of this piece, more details have been learned about Weiner's involvement with underage women. I do not condone or agree with this behavior, but still maintain that it is serves individuals and couples to discuss their reactions and thoughts about his actions instead of perceiving him solely as the "problem." <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html"><b>Damon L. Jacobs</b></a>
is a Licensed Psychotherapist seeing individuals and couples
in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism,
bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues,
stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional
arrangements. He is the author of "<b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</a></i></b>." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span><b> </b><br />
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<a class="twitter-share-button" href="http://twitter.com/share">Tweet</a></div>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-72854145921558544992011-06-07T14:13:00.001-04:002011-06-07T14:20:14.412-04:00What Is Integrity?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://simplecomplexity.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/integrity-street-sign.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://simplecomplexity.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/integrity-street-sign.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
What is integrity? During my <a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/search/label/40%20Lessons%20of%2040" target="_blank"><b>40 Lessons of 40 series</b></a>
earlier this year I frequently discussed integrity as a goal of living
with more balance, acceptance, and peace. Yet many afterward requested I
go into more depth about what "integrity" means and how it impacts
culture and mental health. <br />
<br />
"Integrity" by my standards means you get clear on your priorities
and values, and then shape your daily decisions and actions in alignment
with those priorities and values. It is based on what is authentically
true for you, not what you and others think it "should" be. For
instance, a high priority for me is to "be the change in the world,"
meaning, I recognize it is my responsibility to make this world a better
place than how I found it. My daily decisions and actions follow that
value by keeping up an affordable psychotherapy practice, doing
outreach/education for <a href="http://www.nycvaccine.org/" target="_blank"><b>HIV Vaccine Trials</b></a>, and using online media to spotlight the achievements and accomplishments of artists who are helping improve the world at <a href="http://www.welovesoaps.net/search/label/Damon%20L.%20Jacobs" target="_blank"><b>We Love Soaps. </b></a><br />
<br />
The problems occur when one is acting in ways that are out of
alignment with their proclaimed values. This week the media has
spotlighted (ad nauseum) a New York Congressman whose online behavior
was out of alignment with his public priorities and traditional family
values. Such a discrepancy has captured the attention and imagination
of the masses because it resonates with our own internal sense of
something being "off." We love to point out the embarrassing and
humiliating flaws in others, but are rarely willing to look at our own
contradictions. Acting outside of one's integrity can ultimately lead
to depression, intense stress, frustration, reduction in job
performance, interruption of primary relationships, and increase in
addictive behaviors. <br />
<br />
My psychotherapy practice focuses on solution-focused
approaches for learning and strengthening integrity, and promoting
consistency between priorities, values, and actions. I help people
learn effective tools for managing grief and loss, bereavement, ageism,
stress,
depression, social anxiety, bullying, and anger. I specialize working
with
individuals and/or couples coping with addiction, HIV related concerns,
caretaking fatigue, spiritual/religious issues, and coming out. I
currently see clients on Tuesdays and Fridays at 1133
Broadway (at 26th street), and have later night appointments for those
who cannot attend appointments during the day. I take
ComPsych insurance, and work with other companies to assist clients in
getting reimbursed for out-of-network benefits. Additionally, I have a
reasonable sliding scale that is negotiated collaboratively. <br />
<br />
I
am now offering lectures and workshops throughout New York that assistant participants in managing their
daily lives without the "shoulds" that lead to suffering. To see
highlights from my "Give Up Your Shoulds Day" conference in New York
City last November, please check out <a href="http://t.co/lwmDFhA" target="_blank">http://t.co/lwmDFhA</a>. If you are interested in having me as a presenter for your group or at your business, please feel free to write me at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com" target="_blank">Shouldless@gmail.com</a>, or call me at <a href="tel:347-227-7707" target="_blank">347-227-7707</a>. To read about
more tools for managing life without "shoulds," please check out my blog
at <a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">http://shouldless.blogspot.com</a><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html"><b>Damon L. Jacobs</b></a>
is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples
in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism,
bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues,
stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional
arrangements. He is the author of "<b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</a></i></b>." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span><b> </b><br />
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<a class="twitter-share-button" href="http://twitter.com/share">Tweet</a></div>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-82837592861496840602011-05-25T13:11:00.004-04:002011-05-25T13:41:25.919-04:00The L Train Suicides<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDoR3IM7L7UQ2vglj75HtFbWhxtpTxy-dLGye_3UfJbAviX6FGgYDYrgc0B1SYSZGYMU9y-2fYa_uGSy-UxPbDJNZDH_A2vKxOK3UWnAKpG031JwaPLzwdvrxfg8S-8Lc10HXXXH9uR4U/s1600/story_xlimage_2010_05_R1428_SUBWAY_FAINTER_THANKS_HER_HERO_052810_PLEASE_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDoR3IM7L7UQ2vglj75HtFbWhxtpTxy-dLGye_3UfJbAviX6FGgYDYrgc0B1SYSZGYMU9y-2fYa_uGSy-UxPbDJNZDH_A2vKxOK3UWnAKpG031JwaPLzwdvrxfg8S-8Lc10HXXXH9uR4U/s320/story_xlimage_2010_05_R1428_SUBWAY_FAINTER_THANKS_HER_HERO_052810_PLEASE_.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Residents of the Williamsburg neighborhood of Brooklyn depend on the L train as the primary mode of transportation between our little nook and Manhattan. We are often frustrated and flummoxed by the quantity of delays and disruptions in service on this subway line. But in recent months, we have been increasingly perplexed by the disturbing amount of suicides that are have taken place on this line. At 11:30am today, there was the third of at least three incidents in the past three months in which a commuter took his or her life on the L train tracks. What is happening here?<br />
<br />
I am not privy to the identities of the victims, nor the reasoning for using the L train (seeming more so than any other subway line) to end one's life. What I do know is that the act of suicide is an expression of extreme suffering that comes from distorted thought and belief patterns. These ideas may include: <i>"There is something wrong with me," "I should be normal," "Nothing will ever be better," "It is up to other people to make me happy," "I am unlovable," "I have nothing to contribute to this world," "I will always feel as bad as I do today." </i><br />
<br />
In my therapy practice, I encourage individuals and couples to question and challenge irrational and destructive thought patterns that can lead to violence, anger, and/or suicide. Such alternatives may include, "<i>There is nothing wrong with me even if I don't fit in," "There is no such thing as 'should'", "My life will get better if I do the work of taking care of myself," "I am 100% responsible for making me happy," "I am truly lovable for who I am," "I have something of value to give to others in this world," "My feelings are not facts - just because I feel like I will never feel better, that is not rationally true. </i><br />
<i> </i><br />
As subway commuters who can't commute, it is easy to become angered and enraged by the fact that thousands of lives are disturbed and disrupted by one tragic act. We tend to focus on the loss of income generated, the missed meetings, and general frustration with not being able to control our day. But the truth is, suicide is more than just an inconvenience. The repeated pattern demonstrates that there is something very problematic and toxic in our neighborhood that is leading people to believe suicide is the only way to get relief. When each of us change our thinking, we experience a different kind of relief that creates possibility for others to do the same. I know I am going to be a lot more aware of this on the L train from now on. How about you?<br />
<br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/05/40-lessons-of-40-1-10.html"><i><b>Please press here to see my "40 Lessons of 40" series, which includes tips for managing suicidal thoughts, depression, stress management, and anger management. If you are thinking about committing suicide PLEASE talk to someone first. Call </b><b>1-800-273-8255. </b></i></a><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html"><b>Damon L. Jacobs</b></a>
is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples
in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism,
bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues,
stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional
arrangements. He is the author of "<b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</a></i></b>." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span><b> </b><br />
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<br />Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-1434419357078358082011-05-23T16:59:00.000-04:002011-05-23T16:59:43.535-04:00Come to "Relating" with Damon and Truett in NYC!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmEfQkmF5wYViFfLQKO4khcAKFyWNCek-BySOd9bArfJZ5NF4KrvhBvaiVpp8LtA-l5UB72uCmzlmGcMXtLpB9diCnjA5vFK6cVTbP5LgcoM-CSpOtiV92XC-DFSRX27Phl_XFzbZFuCY/s1600/-14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmEfQkmF5wYViFfLQKO4khcAKFyWNCek-BySOd9bArfJZ5NF4KrvhBvaiVpp8LtA-l5UB72uCmzlmGcMXtLpB9diCnjA5vFK6cVTbP5LgcoM-CSpOtiV92XC-DFSRX27Phl_XFzbZFuCY/s320/-14.jpg" width="226" /></a></div>
**<b>Tomorrow, Tuesday May 24th, at 53 Christopher Street, 10pm**</b><br /><span class="text_exposed_show"><br />I am so excited to be hosting this monthly event in the West Village of Manhattan. We
have international sex expert Rocky LaBarre, one of New York's leading
advisors on sexual activity, the art of sensuality, and anal pleasure. <br /> <br />Rocky
LaBarre, a celebrity in the adult film/modeling industry, and massage
therapist of 25 years, will discuss worthwhile techniques on having
pleasurable sex just the way you like it. Rocky's charisma and sex
appeal will definitely add excitement to hearing all of his knowledge on
the art of sexual pleasure. As with all subjects, seeking advice from
an expert will make your experiences more pleasurable.<br /><br />Rocky is a
native of New York City, he became a sex expert as he has always had a
caring, sensual, and intuitive nature. As he himself says: "I can feel
what another person feels when I touch them." <br /><br />Here is your
chance to meet Rocky and get his advice on pleasurable, relaxing sex and
how relating to your partner (or buddy) in a more intimate, satisfying
way can create a better relationship. </span><br />
<br />
<span class="text_exposed_show"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html"><b>Damon L. Jacobs</b></a>
is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples
in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism,
bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues,
stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional
arrangements. He is the author of "<b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</a></i></b>." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span><b> </b><br />
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<br /><span class="text_exposed_show"><br /></span>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-75760631684256350812011-05-01T17:31:00.003-04:002011-05-01T17:52:45.822-04:0040 Lessons Of 40: #1-#10<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeMAAUnk4dVYwDOCRDm64a9f-PQN9Pr6cooE86rCAesceo3ACN4hnrX_vLTf-8WjA2EPDbmy4DiBK4rnl-37EOjdFteF370MyVeTNBx-RIwoqDf0rg9WckC5plpz0Z_i51eIqjObke1hE/s1600/-11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="196" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeMAAUnk4dVYwDOCRDm64a9f-PQN9Pr6cooE86rCAesceo3ACN4hnrX_vLTf-8WjA2EPDbmy4DiBK4rnl-37EOjdFteF370MyVeTNBx-RIwoqDf0rg9WckC5plpz0Z_i51eIqjObke1hE/s200/-11.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
Aging. We are all going to do it no matter who we are, where we live,
or what we believe. Yet I have found there is much intense fear and
shame around the most human thing we can possibly do. I started
writing the "40 Lessons of 40" series to assist people of <i>any</i> age realize that getting older can bring
empowerment, fun, and freedom, when they learn how to apply certain
tools. <br />
<div id=":2o8">
<div>
<br />
I am thrilled that I turned 40-years-old on April 25th. In the 40 days prior, I counted down the lessons that have helped me to live, to love, to laugh, and to
cope with loss. These are lessons that make my life easier and more
peaceful now, and lessons that would have made my life a lot easier and
more peaceful when I was in my twenties. They may not change your whole
world, but I guarantee they will change
the way you see your whole world. </div>
</div>
<br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-1-seek-not-to-change-world-but.html"><b>Lesson #1: Seek Not To Change The World But To Change Your Mind About The World</b></a><br />
<b><a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-2-dropping-should-makes-my-life.html">Lesson #2: Dropping The "Should" Makes Life Happy </a></b><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-3-what-other-people-think-and.html"><b>Lesson #3: What Other People Think And Say About You Is None Of Your Business</b></a><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-4-feelings-are-not-facts.html"><b>Lesson #4: Feelings Are Not Facts</b></a><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-5-dont-believe-anyone-who-says.html"><b>Lesson #5: Don't Believe Anyone Who Says "You Can't." </b></a><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-6-you-are-not-your-body.html"><b>Lesson #6: You Are Not Your Body</b></a><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-7-there-is-serenity-saying-no.html"><b>Lesson #7: There Is Power And Serenity In Saying, "No." </b></a><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-8-what-is-real-cannot-be.html"><b>Lesson #8: What Is Real Cannot Be Threatened</b></a><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-9-change-is-good.html"><b>Lesson #9: Change Is Good</b></a><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-10-you-are-100-responsible-for.html"><b>Lesson #10: You Are 100% Responsible For How You Feel</b></a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/40-lessons-of-40-11-20.html"><b>Lessons #11-#20</b></a><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/40-lessons-of-40-21-30.html"><b>Lessons #21-#30</b></a><br />
<b><a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/03/40-lessons-of-40-31-40.html">Lessons #31-#40</a></b><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">I am a licensed psychotherapist in New York who focuses on short-term solution-focused
approaches to learning tools for coping with ageism, grief and loss, bereavement, stress management,
social anxiety, depression, and anger. I also specialize working with
individuals and/or couples coping with addiction, HIV related concerns,
caretaking fatigue, spiritual/religious issues, and coming out. I currently see clients on Tuesdays and Fridays at 1133
Broadway (at 26th street), and have later night appointments for those
who cannot attend appointments during the day. </span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b><a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_742435245">Press here</a><a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/03/highlights-from-give-up-your-shoulds.html"> to see highlights from my recent "Give Up Your Shoulds Day" conference in New York City</a>.</b> If you are interested in having me as a presenter for your group or at your business, please feel free to write at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com" target="_blank">Shouldless@gmail.com</a>, or call me at <a href="tel:347-227-7707" target="_blank">347-227-7707</a>. </span><br />
<a class="twitter-share-button" href="http://twitter.com/share">Tweet</a><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-60109152460526395692011-04-30T13:59:00.002-04:002011-04-30T14:06:44.217-04:0040 Lessons Of 40: #11-20Why 40 Lessons of 40? Because I turned 40-years-old on April 25th, and have found that many approach the gift of aging with fear and shame. These are lessons I have learned in forty years that helped
me to live, to laugh, to love, and to cope with loss. I hope they help
you to see that the true fountain of youth is the satisfaction and
inspiration you get from growing older.<b> </b><br />
<br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-11-pain-is-inevitable-suffering.html"><b>Lesson #11: Pain is Inevitable, Suffering Is Optional</b></a><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-12-no-one-opens-their-mind-or.html"><b>Lesson #12: No One Opens Their Mind When They Feel Shamed Or Judged</b></a><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-13-showing-up-is-50.html"><b>Lesson #13: Showing Up is 50%</b></a><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-14-you-only-dislike-things-in.html"><b>Lesson #14: You Only Dislike Things In Others That You Dislike In Yourself </b></a><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-15-world-is-not-ending.html"><b>Lesson #15: The World Is Not Ending</b></a><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-16-life-is-better-as-outsider.html"><b>Lesson #16: Life Is Better As An Outsider </b></a><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-17-to-hammer-world-is-filled.html"><b>Lesson #17: To A Hammer The World Is Filled With Nails</b></a><br />
<b><a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-18-show-must-go-on.html">Lesson #18: The Show Must Go On</a></b><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-19-there-is-no-need-to-fear.html"><b>Lesson #19: There Is No Need To Fear Feelings</b></a><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-20-chronology-does-not-always.html"><b>Lesson #20: Chronology Does Not Always Bring Maturity</b></a><br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/40-lessons-of-40-21-30.html">Lessons #21-#30 </a></b><br />
<b><a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/03/40-lessons-of-40-31-40.html">Lessons #31-#40</a></b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html"><b>Damon L. Jacobs</b></a>
is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples
in New York City. He specializes in issues related to </span><span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;">stress management, depression, anger management, </span><span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;">addiction, ageism,
bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, as well as couples in non-traditional
arrangements. He is the author of "<b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</a></i></b>." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span><b> </b><br />
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<a class="twitter-share-button" href="http://twitter.com/share">Tweet</a></div>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-64245849609002458712011-04-25T20:30:00.007-04:002011-04-26T04:47:24.606-04:00Lesson #1: Seek Not To Change The World, But To Change Your Mind About The World<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.jackhealing.com/fragile%20world.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://www.jackhealing.com/fragile%20world.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I have shared on this blog and in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1"><b>"Absolutely Should-less</b></a>" that there was a time in my life I struggled with crippling depression. I believed that it was up to certain people and situations to change in order for me to be happy. I actually thought that by hurting myself I could punish others and change minds. Fortunately, an intuitive voice communicated to me, "Focus on changing yourself, not the world."<br />
<br />
By making just a small shift in my thinking, I was able to alter my focus in a way that enabled me to accept circumstances in the here-and-now while maintaining hope that things would get better. As I found more peace in the present, I actually started finding myself being able to make more friends, get better grades, and have less negativity directed in my direction from others.<br />
<br />
This flies in the face of the conditioning I have received. I am told by right wingers that how I feel should be based on the fact that I am a sinner/deviant. I am told by left wingers that how I feel should be based on being able to marry and join the military. I am told by the media that how I feel should be based on looking young and staying thin. I am told by "news" sources that how I feel should be based on the fact the world is a violent and scary place. I am told by soap fans that how I feel should be based on cruel decisions made by corporate heads at ABC/Disney. I have been told by the U.S. government for most of the past ten years that how I feel should be based on the "terrorists" out there.<br />
<br />
So now I use this lesson instead to maintain a sense of serenity and acceptance about the state of the world. It makes it a lot easier if I replace the word "world" with whatever appears to be troubling that day. For example:<br />
<br />
"Seek not to change Sarah Palin, but to change my mind about Sarah Palin."<br />
"Seek not to change the guy who just stepped on my foot on the subway, but to change my mind about the guy who just stepped on my foot on the subway."<br />
"Seek not to change my sinus pain, but to change my mind about my sinus pain." <br />
"Seek not to change the weather, but to change my mind about the weather."<br />
<br />
And so on. Anytime you notice yourself blaming someone or something else for how you feel, try replacing the "world" in this lesson with that person's name. <br />
<br />
There will always be individuals and systems in the world who will instruct you to feel depressed, scared, and wrong. It is not your job to change them, simply to change your mind about them. <i><b>When you change your mind you do in fact change the world. </b></i> Making one small shift from a fearful angry thought to a loving peaceful thought can have an impact on others that you can not even imagine. Every thing that I have written about here was a result of someone teaching me something. <i>They</i> had to have changed their minds first in order to communicate an important and useful ideas. <br />
<br />
All 40 of these lessons have been predicated on the idea that changing your thinking about the world can be the most empowering and loving thing you can do for yourself and the people around you. If even one person reading this is able to use a lesson to make their thinking a little gentler, a little kinder, a little more compassionate, with a little more humor, then I have done my job. I thank everyone who has read this series, and profoundly we all continue to be agents of change in our own lives. <br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Press here to view a copy of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret To Living The Stress-Free Life You Deserve." </a></b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html"><b>Damon L. Jacobs</b></a>
is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples
in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism,
bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues,
stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional
arrangements. He is the author of "<b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</a></i></b>." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span><b> </b><br />
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<a class="twitter-share-button" href="http://twitter.com/share">Tweet</a></div>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-49058938292566797762011-04-24T15:17:00.003-04:002011-05-01T17:31:34.372-04:00Lesson #2: Dropping The "Should" Makes Life Happy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7iyAXVVa1zG-U7NvNq64FpHjg8HgKvcvKVG_n5NbWJZ1bUTkDc7lVN30i_AOttMi5DcY_ZTvgUy1oLRv4rvQGbIvgcubayPjHtO8oFx7YJ3alQveMi426UcrxtQLDVDkq790o0Nh1vJY/s1600/Cropped+should+cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="288" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7iyAXVVa1zG-U7NvNq64FpHjg8HgKvcvKVG_n5NbWJZ1bUTkDc7lVN30i_AOttMi5DcY_ZTvgUy1oLRv4rvQGbIvgcubayPjHtO8oFx7YJ3alQveMi426UcrxtQLDVDkq790o0Nh1vJY/s320/Cropped+should+cover.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
At forty years old, I would like to think I have the wisdom, knowledge, and insight to say what my life should look like, how others should act, and how the world should look. Unfortunately, I have absolutely no clue. When I assume I do know, I pay the price with frustration, irritation, stress, and heart ache. <br />
<br />
"Should" assumes that there is an agreed upon governing body of principles that we can all defer to in order to determine morality and standards. It assumes that you and I have knowingly and willingly entered into an arrangement stating, "We will both respect and follow the dictates of this system. We will agree upon how people should behave, how they should appear, what they should value." Outside of a convent or a monastery is this true? Hardly. You are bound to encounter people different from yourself who have different values. All of us carry around our own governing systems based on ideas we have learned throughout our lives, and most people defend that theirs are inherently "right." However, it is exactly this narrow faith in an invisible objective committee which leads us to condemn ourselves and others. There is no objective moral standard for living that all individuals in a diverse world will agree upon so the term "should" holds no universal meaning. <br />
<br />
During my first year of college I began questioning the nineteen years of "shoulds" that had been weighing me down such as, "I should be smarter, I should be more masculine, I should play sports, I shouldn't be so emotional, I should be better looking, I should be in a relationship..." and dozens more. I notice that when I dropped the "should" I <i>immediately</i> felt more at ease, relaxed, unburdened, and hopeful. I shared this idea with friends, and they too noticed they felt better without "shoulds." We even started playing a game where we would catch each other every time we used "should" in a sentence, and had fun with the idea that feeling better could be so simple and immediate. Because "should" had been such a fundamental part of my thought system I wore a sign around my neck of the word should enclosed by a closed circle, which ultimately went on to be come the logo you see above.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-9-change-is-good.html"><b>In Lesson #9</b></a>, I discussed how change is good, and that everything that is wonderful in my life now is a result of a change that some point I resisted. Every time I have not gotten a job, a relationship, or an opportunity I wanted, I was able to look back in retrospect and see that not getting it was the best thing for me. Having these experiences repeatedly lead me to realize that <i>I have no clue how anything should be so I might as well drop the "should" and chill out. </i><br />
<br />
I have been criticized for being too adamant and alert about the word "should" (I believe the word "should nazi" was used once). Believe me, I have no investment in controlling any body's thoughts. But I do stay consistent with this message because we are inundated every day with hundreds of message, directly and indirectly, which communicate that you are not okay to be who are, and so you should change the way your look, your weight, your finances, your mood, your clothes, your job, your home, your values (and so on...). From my perspective these "shoulds" lead people to suffer when they conflict with reality, and then result in depression, anger, anxiety, high blood pressure, aches and pains, failed relationships, drug and alcohol use, and so much more. It takes a strong counter force to balance toxic messages, and being cognizant of these "shoulds" has been the number one way that I have been able to hold my own against them. <br />
<br />
I challenge anyone who feels bad about themselves, or who fears getting older, to try going just one<i> </i>day without using the word "should" against themselves and others. Knowing and <i>living</i> this lesson prepares me to get older feeling empowered, confident, and strong. Dropping the "should" has enabled me to live, love, to cope with painful loss, and still feel excited about what the next day will bring. It is my profound hope that it helps you do the same.<br />
<br />
<b><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Press here to view a copy of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret To Living The Stress-Free Life You Deserve." </a></b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html"><b>Damon L. Jacobs</b></a>
is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples
in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism,
bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues,
stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional
arrangements. He is the author of "<b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</a></i></b>." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span><b> </b><br />
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<br />
<b>**If
you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous
at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th
Street, Room 410*</b><b> </b>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7644366697995907954.post-67600490443149009662011-04-23T16:12:00.000-04:002011-04-23T16:12:48.672-04:00Lesson #3: What Other People Think And Say About You Is None Of Your BusinessI grew up believing that what other people thought about me was my responsibility. So when someone didn't like me or didn't want to be my friend, I took it horribly personally, and believed that rejection was a reflection of my value as a human being. This preoccupation with other people's judgments sent me into a depressive tailspin as a child. <br />
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Throughout my teens and twenties I spent much time and energy worrying about what people thought of me. "Do they like me?" "Do they think I'm cool?" "Does he think I'm attractive?" "Does she think I'm smart?" Focusing on what other people thought or said resulted in feeling extremely insecure about myself, and even shaping my personality to fit into what I hoped would please others. When all my machinations failed and someone still didn't like me, I demonized that person and made them the villain of my never ending dramatic story line. <br />
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Around turning thirty I finally began to challenge the idea that I "should" be liked by others. I had recently gotten a job working in an outpatient psychiatric clinic in California that offered great training, supervised intern hours, and a nice salary to boot. I so desperately wanted to do well, to get along with others, and please everyone. So I did my best to excel in all areas possible and to be as kind I could to the secretaries, the administrators, the therapists, and the doctors. Despite all my efforts, it tended to be a perpetually dysfunctional family environment. Sooner than later, the rumor gossip mill got around to me, and lies were spread about activities in my private life. <br />
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I felt extremely indignant and enraged. Underneath the anger was a sense of hurt. How could they do this to <i>me? </i>What did <i>I</i> do to deserve this?" I slowed down, took out my journal, and thought about it. I asked myself straight out: "What does it <i>matter</i> what they think of you? Are you really going to let this great opportunity be sabotaged by petty gossip? Why have you spent your life giving others so much dominion over your self-esteem?" I took this as a challenge and went to work the next day with my head held high, focused on being true to myself, and serving my clients. I rode out the wave of pettiness, and soon enough, the toxic waste cloud of gossip hovered over someone else. <br />
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Eventually I was promoted to run my own program. I had trepidations about accepting the advancement because I knew it would entail receiving a fair amount of heat. I would be heading a group-focused day treatment program in a neighboring clinic, and I had witnessed first hand that whomever led these programs was constantly on the "hot seat" during weekly meetings. I slowed down, took out my journal, and thought about it. "Are you really going to allow this great opportunity to be sabotaged by your need for approval? What does it <i>matter </i>to you what they think of you? Can't you handle a little pressure on the hot seat?" I took this opportunity as a personal challenge: How much could I tolerate being despised by coworkers? As it turned out, this program was one of the most satisfying experiences of my life, my coworkers were mostly supportive, and I was quite able to handle a little "heat" every now and then. <br />
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It was around this time that I began attending the lectures of <a href="http://jacobglass.typepad.com/"><b>Jacob Glass</b></a> and studying <i>A Course In Miracles.</i> I came to understand that it is none of my business what other people think or say about me. I have positively no control over others, and when I focus and worry about other people's opinions it actually detracts from my own dreams and goals. <br />
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After forty years I have come to understand the my only real purpose is to make this world a better place than how I found it. These efforts can be seen in my book <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1"><b>Absolutely Should-less</b></a>,</i> in the work I do as a therapist in private practice, in the outreach/education I perform for <a href="http://www.hopetakesaction.org/about/index.html"><b>HIV Vaccine Clinical Trials, </b></a>my interviews at <a href="http://www.welovesoaps.net/search/label/Damon%20L.%20Jacobs"><i><b>We Love Soaps</b></i></a>, writing these <a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/search/label/40%20Lessons%20of%2040"><b>40 Lessons of 40, </b></a>as well as yearly fundraisers like the <a href="http://aidswalknewyork2011.kintera.org/damonljacobs"><b>AIDS Walk</b></a>. Note: <b>pleasing others is not on this list</b>. As long as I'm clear on my goals, and taking action with integrity, then I am released from the exhaustion of worrying what other people think of me.<br />
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Learning Lesson #3 has given me more freedom than I can express. This clarity and purpose is a gift of getting older, but by no means is restricted to any chronological age. At any time in your life you can release the concerns of other people's judgments. It is none of your business what other people think of you. They have free will to think what they want, and so do you. I am convinced that if we all kept our eyes "on our own papers," then we would have time and energy on making our own lives meaningful, and this world truly would change. <br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small; font-style: italic;"><a href="http://www.shouldless.com/author.html"><b>Damon L. Jacobs</b></a>
is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples
in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism,
bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues,
stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional
arrangements. He is the author of "<b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Absolutely-Should-Less-Secret-Stress-Free-Deserve/dp/1600374492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225422022&sr=1-1">Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve</a></i></b>." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at <a href="mailto:Shouldless@gmail.com">Shouldless@gmail.com</a></span><b> </b><br />
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<b>**If
you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous
at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th
Street, Room 410*</b><b> </b><br />
<br />
<b>Related:</b><br />
<b><a href="http://aidswalknewyork2011.kintera.org/damonljacobs">Support Damon walking in the 2011 AIDS Walk </a> </b><br />
<b><a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-14-you-only-dislike-things-in.html">Lesson #14: You Only Dislike Things In Others That You Dislike In Yourself</a></b><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-17-to-hammer-world-is-filled.html"><b>Lesson #17: To A Hammer The World Is Filled With Nails</b></a><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://shouldless.blogspot.com/2011/04/lesson-22-be-change-you-want-to-see.html"><b>Lesson #22: Be The Change You Want To See</b></a><b> </b><br />
<b> </b><br />
<b> </b>Damon L. Jacobshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02933846695513222091noreply@blogger.com1