Lesson #9: Change Is Good

One of the hardest things to handle at any age is change, especially when it is determined by other people.  It can appear that something you value is being threatened or taken away from you when change occurs.  Yet forty years of living on this planet has now offered me an overwhelming pile of evidence that demonstrates change is good. 

Notice I didn't say that change always feels good.  More often than not, changes are accompanied with a period of discomfort, anxiety, restlessness, and often grief for something that has been lost.  Yet there is no way I would be in Brooklyn, New York, working as a psychotherapist, typing out these lessons on a thing called a "blog" on a system called the "Internet" using networks called "Twitter" or "FaceBook" if it wasn't for millions and millions of changes.

I spent a fair amount of time when I was younger fighting and resisting change.  Growing up living in the same house and going to school with the same students from Kindergarten through high school afforded me the luxury of not having to adjust to very many significant alterations.  Even in my twenties, as I moved to San Francisco, I still tried to prevent and avoid drastic changes.  I always approached an alteration in my life with the automatic thought, "Uh oh, this is not going to be good."

Trying to avoid change in personal relationships has cost me plenty.  As mentioned in Lesson #20, I used to have a tendency to try hold on to someone even when I knew it was not healthy for either one of us.  By not facing inevitable endings, I participated in a toxic process that made both of our lives more complicated and painful.

By my mid 30s I took inventory of my life and realized that things had turned out well.  I was living in Palm Springs, making a great living doing work I loved, and had supportive loving family and friends near.  Yet I also noticed that everything good in my life was a result of a change that I had originally resisted.  Leaving San Francisco, changing jobs, losing certain relationships, and not getting specific professional opportunities, had resulted in circumstances turning out far better than I had planned.

It was then I realized that change itself is not "bad," and it is not "wrong."  It might be painful at times, it might be inconvenient, and it definitely can be scary.  But at the same time,  every change presents itself with an opportunity and a challenge.  The trick of being "young" at any chronological age is to embrace and accept changes, and conversely, it is a sign of aging to fight and resist them. My forty years have shown me that I will have a much easier and happier time if I dance with impending change instead of trying to step on its toes. 

**To read an excellent book about embracing life changes at ANY age, please check out Tina Sloan's best-seller "Changing Shoes."  You will never see aging or changing the same way again!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Lesson #10: You Are 100% Responsible For How You Feel

Most of us have been taught that if we are feeling bad, sad, or just generally irritable, that it has to be someone or something else's fault.  We have all been conditioned to blame others including a family member, a spouse, congress, or the weather for our mood.  This belief has been reinforced in politics, entertainment, pop music, and even by psychotherapists who ask, "How did that make you feel?" The truth is no one makes any of us suffer.   Ask yourself if you have said any of these past week:

_________________ makes me upset
_________________ hurt my feelings
_________________ is stressing me out!

Now take a look at what is inherent in these words: Blame and power are assigned to people and institutions outside of yourself.  If I allow a family member's behavior to determine how I feel then I'm going to be pretty stressed out.  You may not have had any control over the circumstances, but the feelings and the meaning you assign to each event are completely in your control, and are your responsibility if you want to empower yourself and enjoy living. This is not the same thing as saying it is acceptable for someone to aggressively and intentionally harm another person.  I am simply saying that we get to determine our emotional destiny and how we react to harm if we step up to the task.

When I was younger, I did believe it was other people's fault if I felt bad.  I blamed my brother, teachers, students, the President, bad soap writers, right-wing homophobes, partners, bosses, coworkers, and even friends if I wasn't happy.  Traditional models of psychotherapy I learned about in school supported this notion that one must search for blame when coping with depression and disturbance.

In my early 30s I came to realize that this was a stale and powerless stance.  I read Victor Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning, which described how a concentration camp survivor could take responsibility for finding meaning even in the most painful of circumstances.  I studied how Tina Turner and Nelson Mandela survived extremely abusive and oppressive circumstances only to recognize how true liberation takes place in the mind first, situation second.  In recent years I learned about the work of Eva Kor, who also is a concentration camp survivor, and speaks out on the power of forgiveness.  If they can be responsible for their emotional health, then maybe I'm responsible when I get annoyed with someone at the gym.

So what does taking responsibility for my feelings look like?  It means:
 - I remind myself constantly of Dr. Albert Ellis's fundamental principle:  People are not upset by other people's behavior, they are upset by what they tell themselves about other people's behavior. 
 - I make a list when I first wake-up of at least five things I am grateful for. 
 - I stop using language and conversation to blame others for how I am feeling.
 - I protect myself from being verbally abused in my daily life.
 - I do not engage in social media with individuals who are trying to harm me.
 - In any given situation I decide how I want to feel before I go into the situation, and then stick to it! 
 - I do not expose myself to the media's bullying and fear mongering in the forms of Fox News, CNN, The Today Show, or any other source whose intention is to scare and upset me.
 - I continue to read books and blogs written by people who have survived adversity and have something to teach me about surviving in this world.
 - I journal write every day to take a stock of my thoughts, my feelings, and see where I need to do some work (and there is always work to be done inside my head). 

Staying sane an insane world is a 24/7 job.  No one is responsible for my health except for me.  I am not perfectly consistent with any of the tips above.  But knowing that I am responsible for my wellness offers options and opportunities for  how I want to feel about turning forty.  I have decided I want to use this turning of numbers to feel strong, healthy, and proud.   Either way, I get to choose, and so do you. 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Fabulous At Forty: How To Embrace Life And Feel Good At ANY Age Workshop

Please come celebrate my birthday with me at this special meeting!

WHAT: A workshop designed to promote empowerment and fun around getting older, and learning to embrace life at ANY age.
WHEN: April 25th, 2011, at 8pm
WHERE: New York City, 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410 
COST: Free, with donations accepted

Aging. We are all going to do it no matter who we are, where we live, or what we believe. Yet I have found there is much intense fear and shame around the most human thing we can possibly do. I will be presenting aspects of the 40 Lessons I've learned to help people of any age realize that the getting older can bring empowerment, fun, and freedom, if they learn how to apply certain tools.

I have been counting down the 40 lessons on this blog that have helped me to live, to love, to laugh, and to cope with loss. These are lessons that make my life easier and more peaceful now, and lessons that would have made my life a lot easier and more peaceful when I was in my twenties. The #1 Lesson that saved my life will be shared at this workshop, so please come by and share this special day with me.
 
Questions? Write me at Shouldless@gmail.com or call 347-227-7707.  See you there! 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #11: Pain Is Inevitable, Suffering Is Optional

Yesterday the soap community, and even the mainstream press, were shocked by the tragic news that two staple daytime dramas were canceled.  Both ONE LIFE TO LIVE and ALL MY CHILDREN have carried great meaning to generations of viewers, having been on the air for 42 years and 41 years, respectively.  The devastation of losing an entertainment program can be tantamount to losing a beloved relative, a friend, a companion, a reliable comfort.  But no matter who or what we lose in our lives, one thing is for certain: pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. 

What does this mean?  "Pain" is the automatic involuntary feeling you get when something hurtful happens.  If you hit me in the arm, if you say something cruel to me, when someone I love dies, or if ABC put dozens of my friends out of work, I will feel pain.  Pain is a normative and unavoidable part of living in this world if you intend to love and attach to others.  It is a testament to your connection that you feel pain when something ends.  This is not, in my opinion, a "bad" or "unhealthy" thing.

But "suffering" is optional.  Suffering is defined as what we tell ourselves about the pain.  If I respond to hurt by saying, "I'm a victim," or "This means I can never love again," or "this shouldn't be happening," or "I've wasted my time watching this canceled show," then you will indeed experience suffering in the forms of depression, anger, anxiety, hopelessness, despair. It is unlikely that you will allow yourself to live life to the fullest and have pleasurable and new experiences if you hold on to these beliefs.

Pain is usually out of your control.  Choosing not to suffer is your responsibility.  If you decide you want to blame people, presidents, or popes for your emotional state, that is indeed an option.  It may cost you your physical and emotional health, but hey, at least you'll have a villain for your storyline.

Or you could pursue the easier path of changing your thinking in order to decrease suffering.  How does one do this? The final ten lessons of the 40 Lessons of 40 starting tomorrow are the primary tools I use to change my suffering so I can continue to live with serenity, even when I am in incredible emotional pain.  They enable me to continue to take risks and care about others despite having experienced loss.  And yes, they will help you to care about the soaps, even knowing their existence is temporary.  Please join me for these exciting lessons these next ten days.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Lesson #12: No One Opens Their Mind Or Heart When They Feel Shamed Or Judged

Truth is, in my twenties I was referred to as a "hothead" on more than one occasion.  I had a tendency  to inappropriately express righteous indignation and outrage about social injustice in classrooms and internship settings.  I used liberal left-wing rhetoric as a vehicle for expressing the anger that I had buried throughout my childhood.  I could easily present "evidence" as why the object of my attack was a hypocritical homophobic racist sexist bigot. However, in retrospect I can see I accomplished nothing except to make my opponent's argument stronger, and to demonstrate that I was the one who was being close minded and rigid.

This is because no one opens their minds or hearts when they feel shamed or judged.  In a debate, in a protest, in a meeting, or in a classroom, condemning another person only puts them on the defense, and thereby strengthens their resistance against you.  You sabotage your own position when you try to use embarrassment or humiliation to get another person to change.  It only results in them fighting back harder, and deepening their original stance.  That's all well and good if your intent is to make enemies and create opposition.  But if you have an investment in helping others and trying to make the world a better place than how you found it, then remembering this lesson may go a long way to help.

I was on the receiving end of this in the mid 90s while living with a friend in San Francisco.  We had worked together at The Patio Cafe and created a very strong bond, so we decided it would be fun to live together.  Once we moved in, the friendship completely fell apart, as I found that basic activities such as being considerate and respectful of privacy were not part of his recipe of the ideal homelife. When I opposed constant noise and disruptions, he angrily called me "selfish."  He knew that I thought "selfish" was the worst description for any good little liberal, and the shame I experienced hearing that from someone close to me burned deeply.  However, I quickly turned it around and said to myself, "Fine, if he thinks I'm selfish then I'm going to be the most selfish son-of-a-bitch he's ever known."  I cut off all communication with him, became more intolerant of his insolence, completely ignored his wants and needs, and the friendship was dead after that.  His shaming only made me increase the behavior he was intolerant of, and vice-versa.  

I think of that situation today as democrats and republicans go head-to-head in heated budget negotiations.  How much name calling is going on? How much attack? How much harder is everyone making this painful process by blaming and shaming each other?  How much easier could it be if everyone learned techniques for effective communication and conflict resolution?

Motivational Interviewing (MI) is a wonderful technique that I use in personal and professional settings to cut through resistance and find solutions that are satisfactory.   It fundamentally lies in respecting the person sitting across from you and finding commonalities in order to collaboratively work on skill building and compassionately resolving conflicts.  It entails letting go of the illusion that there is any "right" way that things "should" be done, and instead reframes the situation as, "how do we do get through this together?" I have found that demonstrating authentic respect and dignity for other people, even those whose values are different from mine, goes a long way toward impacting positive and effective change.

I admit that using tools like MI involve more patience and minfulness.  When you set forward to change the world with integrity instead of being a "hothead", you may not get as much attention, nor the adrenaline high.  But in my forty years I have learned that I am a lot more effective as an activist and as a healer when I withdraw my mental bow and arrow. 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #13: Showing Up Is 50%

I have occasionally been asked how I have been able do it?  The book, the license, the soap interviews, how did I get here?  My answer is short and clear:  I showed up.

The simple importance of showing up in our lives cannot be overstated.  There is no substitute for being physically present at an event, a meeting, an appointment.  It is usually the person who shows up consistently who is rewarded with promotions, contracts, and new opportunities.  I can't think of one person who has achieved a modicum of success in their lives who has not attested to value of showing up.  Wasn't it Madonna who showed up at the hospital bedside of the President of Sire Records, as he was recovering from heart surgery,  in order to get her first record contract signed?

In my own life, showing up has served me well.  I met David Hancock, the incredibly smart and generous CEO of Morgan-James Publishing by showing up to a workshop where he spoke about entrepreneurial publishing.  I talked to him afterward about my idea for "Absolutely Should-less," and he was willing to accept a proposal.  I don't believe my book would have been published if not for that physical meeting.

How did I get to do all these interviews with soap stars? I showed up.  First I showed up to a concert given by the vastly talented and underrated Ilene Kristen in New York City. At that show I met Roger Newcomb for the first time, and Ilene herself, who gave me my first interview.  Following that I kept showing up for events that Roger would show up for as well, and we bonded over fond memories of watching soaps as kids, love for certain actors/actresses, and intense debates about supercouples on Another World.  So when he was looking to expand We Love Soaps into a multi-purpose website that would include video, commentaries, interviews, and psychological perspectives, he asked me to join him, in part, because I showed up.

Roger and I have done a lot of showing up over the past two years, and have had a blast covering the Emmy Awards, theater openings, book signings, HIV/AIDS fundraisers, as well as producing several of our own award ceremonies and special fan events.  We have worked hard to gain the trust and respect of the actors/actresses that we so admired growing up.  And how were we able to do it? All together now: we showed up.  Over and over, we showed up with honesty, integrity, and authentic respect.

Many times people have responded to this lesson by saying, "But I don't feel like it."  That stance will not help get what you want.  I have seen very bright and very loving individuals lose out on amazing opportunities because they don't show up when they don't feel like it.   But how often do you feel like brushing your teeth?  How often do you feel like waking up in the morning?  How often do you feel like taking the garbage out, cleaning the toilet, running to the grocery store?  All of us have lives made up of performing a great amount of tasks we didn't feel like doing.  It is important to show up even at the moments you just don't feel mentally and emotionally well.

I'm not saying that you have to be like a drill sergeant.  I do believe in the value of taking time out if you are truly ill, contagious, or too overwhelmed with grief of sadness to be mentally present.  But as a way of life, or as a pattern, calling out sick will not lend itself to enabling people to trust you with important tasks.  If you are having trouble showing up in your own life, then please ask for help.  Helping people show up physically and mentally in their every day lives is one of the specialties in my private practice, and many therapists and coaches are quite skilled in this area. 

There is nothing valuable in my life at this moment that wouldn't be here if I didn't show up.  I wouldn't have a therapy practice, a career, a book, and lots of joy, if I didn't show up.  Knowing this fundamental and basic lesson helps me to feel more empowered and excited about the opportunities that lie ahead as I grow older.  

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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**If you are in the New York City area, please SHOW UP for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Lesson #14: You Only Dislike Things In Others That You Dislike In Yourself

One of the most liberating lessons I have ever learned is recognizing that I can only dislike characteristics in others that I do not like in myself.  Their personality traits are not the "problem," it is my personality traits are the problem.

This became obvious to me in my early 30s.  By that point I had had about a half dozen internships/job placements, and yet found myself getting annoyed with the same type of people in every job.  The slacker, the worrier, the pessimist, the obsessive-compulsive overachiever, the whiner, I kept meeting these people over and over in every position.  I had to face facts and admit I was going to be irritated with certain traits regardless of where I worked.  I had to realize, "No matter where you go there you are. You move towns, you move jobs, yet you keep running into the same annoying reflections of yourself everywhere.  Maybe the problem is YOU."

The only way that was ever going to stop was to take a different stance.  Instead of judging and condemning my reflection in others, I decided to work on accepting them.  For instance, I worked with a therapist in California who left early every Friday to go play golf, and expected the secretaries to file his notes from the week.  It was easy for me to dismiss him as lazy and burnt out.  But I had to be brutally honest and admit that I too had had jobs where I did the minimal amount of work expected, cut corners,  and made other people pick up the slack. At that same clinic I had a colleague who ran around seeing conflict in every situation, and always predicted the worst case scenario.  I took a long hard look at myself and remembered that I had spent a great deal of my life being a drama queen, predicting catastrophic outcomes left and right.  I still don't love these aspect of my personality, but I must be truthful about them if I wish to stop getting annoyed by others who do the same thing.

Today I see the same dynamic with the epidemic of bullying, especially when it comes to verbal and emotional violence against gay youth.  There is simply no way someone can be threatened by a gay person unless they are gay themselves.  Someone who is truly heterosexual has no cause to be scared, nervous, or unsettled by the existence of someone who is homosexual (or perceived as homosexual).  This point was beautifully illustrated on an episode of Glee last year, when a bully who terrorized an openly gay student turned and desperately kissed him.  It showed that those who express hate toward gays only do so because of the fear of their own homosexuality. 

This lesson has completely set me free as I grow older.  It has taught me to understand that when someone doesn't like me, it is not because of me, but the part of themselves they recognize in me.  I am fully aware that I am completely annoying to co-workers who choose to be depressed.  I am that unrelenting half-full cup guy, and that has irked many who want to see themselves as victims in a such a "cruel harsh world."  This does not mean I have to change or alter who I am, and neither do they! They are simply pointing fingers at the uncomfortable reflections of themselves, it is no more personal than when I was judging the slacker golf player

We can all be the change we want to see by taking a little more responsibility.  If you say you want live in a world without bullying then stop condemning others.  If you say you want to live in a world without war, then stop practicing attack with your coworkers.  Challenge yourself to stand up and face the parts of yourself that you see reflected in others.  If everyone did this the world truly would change.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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**If you are in the New York City area, please come to Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Lesson #15: The World Is Not Ending

One of my earliest memories was watching the NBC news in Los Angeles and seeing anchorwoman Kelly Lange tell me that Southern California was going to suffer a massive earthquake at some point during the 1970s that would cause massive death and destruction.  The earthquake never happened.  I lost a lot of sleep.

In the 1980s, an overzealous and excitable relative of mine sat me down and told me how President Reagan and the Russians were building nuclear arms that would be sure to result in massive death and destruction.  The war never happened.  I lost a lot of sleep.

Throughout the late 1990s the media focused on the Y2K frenzy. It prophesied that the changing of numbers in the the Christian calendar would result in financial and nuclear calamities all across the globe resulting in, you guessed it, massive death and destructive.  The meltdown never happened.  I lost some sleep, but not a lot.

After September 11, 2001, the U.S. government had us believing that terrorists in Iraq were actively building nuclear arms with the intention of destroying more American lives.  They used charts and graphs and red alerts to create widespread panic that massive death and destructive would be a regular way of American life.  I didn't lose much sleep.

I have been told everyday of my forty years on this planet that massive calamity is going to kill me and everyone I know, and frankly, I'm over it.  I am tired of losing energy and sleep to a piece of fiction that is intended to hurt and scare me.  The media, the government, the weather reports, my crazy relatives, have all lost credibility with me in the tragedy department.  I am completely absolved of buying into their hysteria and fear.

So now, when I get a load of the latest catastrophic craze called "2012," all I can do is snicker.  The question, "What's the point?" is completely rhetorical, because the goal of predicting mass death and destruction is so transparently ugly.  Scare the masses, and they will be easily controlled.  They will vote with fear, they will pray with fear, they will spend money with fear, they will raise children with fear, and then their bodies will need medicines to deal with the consequences of the fear.  Period.

The "news" has never served any purpose except to instruct me how terrible things could get.  My "news" is very different.  I live in a city where I see acts of kindness, grace, and resilience every day.  I witness people on the subway giving up seats for one another, helping each other with directions.  Two days ago a woman came after me in a subway station after I dropped one of my gloves.  This is a far cry from the New York City the media wants you to know about. 

At my last job in an outpatient drug clinic, I witnessed my own "news" every day.  I saw mothers give up drugs in order to raise their children.  I saw men learn to use words to express anger instead of their fists.  I saw two dozen adults vote for the first time in the 2008 Presidential Elections.  And I saw people making conscientious choices every day to give up harmful addictive behavioral patterns in favor of more serene and gratifying ways of living.  This is the "news" that I know, and the "news" you will never see on CNN.

The world is not ending.  Not today, not tomorrow, not in 2012.  Will bad things happen? Inevitably.  But forty years has taught me that I have no ability to predict or control the events that hurt me the most, and I'm pretty good at handling the sad things that do happen.  If I'm wrong and get blown up tomorrow, then at least I'll die well rested with low blood pressure.  What do you think?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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**If you are in the New York City area, please come to Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Lesson #16: Life Is Better As An Outsider

My third grade teacher assigned her students the task of decorating a paper turkey at Thanksgiving so she could display them on the wall.  As other kids used crayons to color their turkey the standard brown and white colors,  I remember demanding marking pens, so I could celebrate my turkey in bright purples and blues.  Fortunately she appreciated a frustrated eight-year-old diva, gave me some pens, and remarked, "You really have to do things in your own special way, don't you?"

The truth is, I have never fit in with the crowd.  As a boy I would have much rather watched soap operas than play sports.  As a teen I would have much rather gone off to see Rocky Horror or scrubbed toilets at Denny's than have anything to do with a high school function.  I am still not sure if my tendency to do things my own way was something complete innate, or a defense against knowing I was gay and couldn't fit in.

Nevertheless I thought all that would change when I went to college at the University of California, Santa Cruz.  I perceived the campus as a utopia where I could be out as gay, expressive, and finally belong to a community.  Not so much.  I entered in the Fall of 1989 to find that the gay community was an established clique who were shut down, unkind to strangers, and had very poor communication skills.  Once again, my status as an outsider was maintained.

However, this time I learned a different way of navigating the role of odd man out.  My very good friend Michael Santos was also dissatisfied and frustrated by the lack of support and community of the UCSC campus.  He suggested that instead of complaining about it that we change things by starting our own group.  It was through his guidance and organization that I learned how to come up with a mission statement, a budget proposal, and a plan of action.  Soon enough,  Michael and I were producing campus events for the "Porter Lavender Network" that were not only welcoming, social, and empowering, but were also drawing larger numbers than the other organizations.  In other words, I learned that I could make doing things my own way a creative strength, not a deficiency. 

Today I look at my life and see I still don't belong to a group.  I am not exactly your typical Marriage Family Therapist in New York City, as most of them opt to not to be so public about their age and embarrassing childhood stories.  I am not your typical soap journalist,  I am not your typical HIV Vaccine recruiter.  I don't fit it with the "mainstream" gay sector, and I don't exactly fit in with the artistic alternative groups either.   I have fondness and respect for all of these communities, but don't see myself belonging any more now than I did when I was coloring my purple turkeys in third grade. 

What is different now is the meaning I place on it.  When I was young I told myself that not fitting in was a limit.  At forty I can see how coloring outside the lines has given me more creative freedom and vision than I ever would have had otherwise.  It is because I don't fit in that I was inspired to move to New York, to write "Absolutely Should-less", and to create this 40 Lessons of 40 series.  It is because I already don't "belong" that I am not as vulnerable to ageism in the straight and gay communities.   I have no pressures to conform or change who I am to become a member of anything, and that is the gift of being the outsider.

EPILOGUE: While putting together this Lesson, I ran the ideas above by a very wise 22-year-old friend of mine. He listened and responded, "But don't you ever get lonely?" The truth is, there have been times I felt very alone with my proverbial purple turkeys.  The only time I have felt "lonely" is when I have tried to change something about me to fit in with other people's standards.  If I have compromised who I am, or acted against my values, then those are the times I have been most lost and alone (regardless of how many people are around me).  I have found that overall, when I live my life with integrity, and take action from a place of truth, that most people gravitate toward that.  As I get older I feel more connected to humanity overall, as opposed to specific subgroups, and that also negates a sense of being alone that I might have felt otherwise. 

Where do you see yourself fitting in and not fitting in? What strengths and limitations do you perceive as an "outsider?"

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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**If you are in the New York City area, please come to Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Lesson #17: To A Hammer The World Is Filled With Nails

One of my favorite jobs early in my career was working at a county mental health crisis/assessment center in Southern California.   Individuals coping with psychiatric issues could come in, have their risk factors assessed, and often see a psychiatrist if needed.  It amazed me how the same patient, presenting with the same exact symptoms, could see two doctors in the same day, and get two completely different diagnoses.  When I asked about this, a wise co-worker said to me, "Well you know Damon, to a hammer the world is filled with nails."

It took me years to understand what the heck that meant.  But as I continued to work in more clinical settings with more therapists and doctors, I noticed that they would diagnose disorders based on their perception of what they thought the problem was.  Because mental health is an inexact science, and because the descriptive criteria in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM) is so general and unreliable, it leaves room for a clinician to impose their own set of predetermined perceptions and projections of what the "problem" is.  If I have experience and expertise in Depression, then I will see a client more often than not suffering with Major Depression.  If I went to a great workshop all about Aspergers, then I will see my clients as experiencing symptoms of Aspergers.  If I love the new best seller all about Attention Deficit Disorder, then I will see those symptoms consistently in my clients.  Hence, a hammer will see a world filled with nails, since that is a hammer's function, and a hammer would cease to have meaning without nails. 

The search for fault in others goes far beyond the confines of the psychiatric community.  As a culture, Americans are consistently looking for ways to see problems and lacking in the people and situations around us.  And why wouldn't we? Consumerism is fundamentally based in seeing something "wrong" in ourselves and others so that we will buy things to feel "right."  There is a valid experience of insecurity and fear that drives people to automatically criticize and condemn others (you could go to Facebook and Twitter and see the evidence right now).  If you're living your life as a hammer, your search for nails will be never ending.

I have used this metaphor to challenge myself in my personal and professional relationships.  In what ways do I automatically search for fault? How have I expressed my judgments and disapproval of others? How do I think I'm benefiting when I perceive lacking in a situation? And do I ever justify my professional value by seeing others as "nails"?

I have learned in my forty years that acting as a hammer in this world brings me nothing but frustration, anger, and self-loathing.  I have no power to change others' behavior, and even if I did, changing others won't alter what I don't like in myself.  What I can do is focus on improving my own life, and use my personal and professional practice to demonstrate how much happier life can be when we release our heavy hammers.  How about you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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