Resisting Gift-Giving Pressure From Others

I just received a wonderful letter from the reader of this blog:

"Just read your blog about the Shouldless Xmas gifts. I am glad you wrote about it. I also recently had an experience with my follow students at school. All the students wanted donations for a Holiday party and to buy the teacher a gift, for being such a "good teacher" as they phrased it. I personally and honestly do NOT think he is a good teacher, so I told them I was NOT giving any money for it or the party. They of course naturally got surprised and angry. I personally do not care, because they do not pay my taxes, rent and food....Plus, I am NOT working Full-time and I am living of my resources.  In anycase, I do NOT want to go into my private financial pity episode with my colleagues, because it is none of their business and not their problem. So, I take the consequences as NO BIG loss and they shall get over it! As Dr. Albert Ellis once said: 'I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR DISFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOR!' "

This statement incorporates several tips from my earlier post  about Resisting Gift-Giving Shoulds.  She recognized that (1) Fellow students may judge for not spending money, but they won't pay her bills later, and (2) People may be thrown off center when you don't spend as they think you "should," but your real friends will respect you for taking care of yourself.  This reader found a beautiful way to find peace by living on her own terms as opposed to other people's "shoulds." Are you finding the same?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Should-less Ipod

This may be completely off-topic, but I think this is a valuable piece of information for anyone who has become completely addicted to their iPod, as I have.  Earlier today on my way to work my iPod died.  It simply went to sleep and didn't wake up.  When I got home, it did not connect with my computer.  I was getting ready to bury the thing and figure out how to budget to get a new one.

Then I found this helpful piece of information online:

Reset Click Wheel Ipod (newer ipods including resetting an ipod video)
1. Flip the Hold switch on and off and make sure it ends up no longer on hold.
2. Press and hold the Menu and Select buttons (center Button) until the Apple logo appears (may take 5-11 seconds, and you may need to repeat this step)

I did these steps and viola!  My iPod came back to life.  All the music, all the settings still there.

It can be easy when we are stressed about holidays to slow down and problem solve effectively.  This was a reminder to me (1) not to put my affection and faith into mechanical objects that will at some point die, and (2) ask for help when said mechanical object fails.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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How to Resist Gift-Giving "Shoulds"!

Holidays, especially Christmas, are the perfect time to practice living life Absolutely Should-less.  During these last few weeks of every year, regardless of your religion, all of us are bombarded with an excessive flurry of “shoulds” coming at us in all directions.  Family, media, coworkers, department stores, pretty much everywhere you look the message is clear: “You should be buying things.”  The consequence of this is that it results in many people feeling guilty, sad, inadequate, even unlovable.

For many, spending an excessive amount of money is simply not possible.  I know parents who spend the entire year working, struggling, and sacrificing in order to provide food, clothes, safe housing, heat, and school supplies for their children.  An admirable feat, definitely.  But then Christmas comes around and guess what?  None of that matters.  Because adults and kids are all getting the same message -- gifts are more important than love.  “You should give your children expensive gifts to let them know how much you love them.”  See anything faulty about this logic? 

There is an easier way to live in this life.  You can challenge the status quo by choosing to be should-less, and even opting not to give presents if that would be a compromise to your happiness (or for you wallet!).  Unfortunately, choosing to be happier with less shoulds can involve some rejection and disapproval from others.  Deciding one year not to buy Christmas presents, or give birthday gifts, or not to send a card for any “holiday” invented by the card companies, can make you rather unpopular in your family.  Any time anyone breaks away from the status quo they risk some social consequences.  If you are concerned about this, please keep the following in mind: 

Tips for resisting gift giving "shoulds"

1.  This is your life and your life only.  Relatives and friends may judge you for not spending money, but they won’t pay your bills a month later.
2.  People may be thrown off center when you think or act differently.  They may react with surprise or hostility.  But the ones in your life who truly care about you will see how much happier you are.  They will want to support you in living a peace-filled life, and not going into great amounts of debt. 
3.  Sometimes it is better not to give others everything they want for holidays or birthdays.  In fact, by always giving someone gifts at these times, you may unwittingly be sending them a message that love should be expressed primarily through material gifts. 
4.  It can be quite beneficial to teach others, especially children, how to save and budget their own money.  If they are always getting material items they want, then there is no reason for them to learn how to financially plan. 
5.  By not giving in to societal shoulds, you may be helping someone else in ways you can’t even realize.  By acting in a healthy way, you give others permission to do the same.  There may be someone in your family suffering more financial duress than you, who finds incredible relief when you’re the first one to stand up against holiday/birthday shoulds.  Her shame about her financial situation may have prevented her from speaking up, but because you have done it, that road is paved. 

Holidays can be a wonderfully fun and peaceful time for you and your loved ones.  Or they can be a living hell. Which are you choosing?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Holiday "shoulds"

Yup, the holiday season is here!  This is that special time of year when most people are bombarded with constant and insidious "shoulds" from children, parents, spouses, partners, media, culture, department stores, advertisements, and about a dozen other sources.  Is it any wonder why people experience more stress, anxiety, and substance abuse this time of year?  Do we really have to question why there are 5% more heart related deaths in December than any other time?

Going through the holidays with "shoulds" dictating how you think and what you do is like living in prison.  Those steel bars may have been created and sustained by the external sources around you.  Fortunately, YOU have the key to your freedom, that is, celebrating life without "shoulds."

Over the next few weeks on this blog I will be presenting various tips/tools/insights on how to cope with the holidays without "shoulds", or at the minimum, with less "shoulds."  It is my strongest intention that anyone reading will begin to assert their power over destructive "shoulds" and have their most peaceful and fulfilling holiday season ever.

As always, comments are welcomed here, or email me at Shouldless@gmail.com with any thoughts or questions. 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Why I Do It

In honor of World AIDS Day, I wanted to do my part to share education and information about the current HIV Vaccine Trials taking place across the United States.

I first heard about these studies four years ago. At that time I noticed I was no longer seeing HIV presented in the media as a crisis. However, people I knew were still being infected, friends were still getting ill, my clients were still struggling, and families and loved ones were still suffering. I felt frustrated that 25 years into this epidemic we didn't seem any closer to seeing the end of it, and that the younger generation appeared dangerously oblivious to the risks of contracting this disease.

That’s when I learned about the HIV Vaccine Trials taking place in New York and many cities around the United States. It appeared that this was the answer I was waiting for, this was the change I was waiting to see. If one could be vaccinated and protected from ever becoming HIV infected, it would certainly promote physical and emotional wellness in myself and my community.

Sure, I had trepidations about receiving an experimental vaccine. So I took the time to educate myself. I talked to the nurse at Project Achieve,  I did research, and I asked questions. I weighed the possibility of minimal side effects against the potential of global benefits, and concluded that this was the right thing for me to do. I agreed to receive injections of either the vaccine or placebo, and agreed to come in for follow up blood draws for several years after.

The side effects, if any, were anticipated to be mild flu-like symptoms and fatigue for 24 hours after receiving the injection. To be honest, this part did not thrill me. But then I realized that some minor flu-like side effects were minimal compared to the discomfort and illness many of my loved ones with HIV had gone through. And with that, I agreed.

Over the next six months I received the three injections. And yes, I did have minor flu-like symptoms and fever for a short duration after receiving each injection. However, instead of that bothering me, it became something I perceived as positive. I realized that what was happening to my body was going to directly assist the researchers in learning how to eliminate this disease from our world. Generations from now, children would be as familiar with HIV as today’s generation is with polio, in part thanks to my efforts. I was willing to endure any side effects of discomfort with that goal in mind.

I now work for Project Achieve doing outreach and education about the trials around New York City. The current clinical trials are taking place now in several cities in the United States.  You can press here to find out if it is happening in a city near you.

This is an opportunity to actively take part in the solution. This is a chance to honor those that have passed, and their families that miss them. This is a chance for volunteers to take pride in knowing they are doing their part to change the world. Participating in the HIV vaccine trials gave my life a new sense of meaning and purpose. Will you consider giving yours the same?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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"Should-less" weight loss

One of the "shoulds" I hear most often is, "I should lose weight."  This is such a pervasive thought in our culture that I dedicated entire chapter to it in my book, "Absolutely Should-less." On the surface, there appears to be nothing wrong with this statement, especially when losing weight could benefit one's physical and mental health.  The only problem is shoulds are not an effective motivator for long term change. They can sometimes be a catalyst for short-term compliance.  But they do not produce effective results in the long haul.

Why is that? Because "shoulds" about weight loss (and any other activity) are based on external pressures. In my book, there is a step-by-step process offered which helps you break down all the sources of learning why you "should" lose weight.  The basic idea is that none of us were born into this world looking in the mirror and saying, "I look fat today."  We had to learn to police our bodies this way.  And if we learned it, that means we can unlearn it.  

The main problem with using a "should" to change behavior is that it often produces the opposite result.  Overtime, reacting from a place of "should" leads one to become resentful, burnt out, frustrated, and then having a negative reaction to healthier eating and going to the gym.  If you have ever walked by that gym and felt guilty, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.

The good news is that there is an easier way to lose weight and make healthy choices.  By challenging and altering long-held "shoulds" you make room for new thoughts, new values, new beliefs.  You can begin to make choices that are rooted in love and appreciation for yourself instead of fear.  You can be empowered to feel in control of your decisions instead of complacently adhering to societal standards.  Or to put it another way, you can feel GREAT whether you decide to hit the gym or not!


Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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The Day After: Was It Good For You?

Was it good for you?  Monday, November 1st was the Third Annual Give Up Your Shoulds Day.  For one day, hundreds of you went without a harmful "should" that had been preventing you from having the blissful life you deserve.  Now what?

If you enjoyed having a day without "shoulds," then consider trying one week, maybe even a month. My book Absolutely Should-less offers a step by step guide to reducing "shoulds" in satisfying and effective ways.  It encourages you to take responsibility for your own bliss and directly challenge any messages that conveys, "You should change."

To learn more about how to live blissfully without "shoulds," continue to visit this blog, or listen to any one of the shows:  

Radio Show with General Hospital's Jacklyn Zeman
Feast of Fun
Da Doo-Dirty Show (Damon comes on around 85min)
Brandon's Buzz 

If you are in the New York City and want to see me for a session, please contact me at Shouldless@gmail.com, or call 347-227-7707.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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The Third Annual Give Up Your "Shoulds" Day Is Today!

WELCOME to the 3rd Annual Give Up Your "Shoulds" Day!  I couldn't be happier to celebrate this holiday again and to hear all the "shoulds" that people are willing to give up for a day.  Remember: Giving up a "should" does not necessarily mean you are going to do drastically different things.  It may mean doing the exact same things differently.  Either way you get to wake up on a Monday morning without having all the "shoulds" weigh you down.  So here's how it works:

MORNING: Please post on your FB or Twitter status one "should" you are willing to give up for one day. Please include @Damon L. Jacobs so I can see it. (on Twitter it's "DamonLJacobs").

2pm-3pm EST: Listen to our "should-less" blogtalk radio broadcast with General Hospital's Jacklyn Zeman at http://tobtr.com/s/1319605, at 2pm EST (11am PST) .Call in live and share with us your "should"!

3pm-4pm EST: Engage in Twitter discussion with Damon about "shoulds" at http://twitter.com/DamonLJacobs

8pm-9:30pm EST: If you are in NYC, come to the FREE workshop, "How To Lose The Should To Get The Good" at 208 W. 13th street. Free Brownies made by Matt Cameron, aka, the "Zesty Chef" of New York.

THROUGHOUT THE DAY: You can listen to me discuss the bliss of living life "should-less" by listening to my appearance on any one of these shows:

Feast of Fun
Da Doo-Dirty Show (Damon comes on around 85min)
Brandon's Buzz 

If this event appeals to someone you know, please tell them as well!

Thank you so much, I look forward to sharing a wonderful "Should-less" day with all of you!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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The Third Annual Give Up Your "Shoulds" Day Is Tomorrow!

Tomorrow is the big day! We're almost there! For those who wish to participate in this event here's how it will work:

MORNING: Please post on your FB or Twitter status one "should" you are willing to give up for one day. Please include @Damon L. Jacobs so I can see it. (on Twitter it's "DamonLJacobs").

Messed Up Thinking #6: It Is Personal

 When someone says something to you or about you, it feels personal.  When someone hits you or knocks you down, it feels personal.  When someone uses Twitter, FaceBook, or any social media to publicly attack you, it feels personal.  When a bully in your life tries to hurt you or intimidate you, it feels personal. But the power you have in ANY and all of these circumstances is to remind yourself of this golden phrase:

"What other people think of me is none of my business."

Seriously!  You have the choice to change your mind at any moment by repeating the above.  You may need to repeat a lot if you have never said it before, but I guarantee the more you integrate this message into to your daily life, the easier it will get.

What's implicit in this message is that every single one are walking around on this earth making meaning of life based on our perceptions.  How each and every one of us define good or bad, smart or dumb, attractive or unattractive, completely depends on how we have been conditioned.  You don't get to choose or control the conditioning with which other people judge you.  What you do get control over is how much power and attention you are going to give it.

Remember, "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."  If you attack me then I will definitely experience pain, outrage, frustration, or some form of hurt.  But suffering happens when I tell myself, "He is right. I'm no good, I should shut up, I should be dead."  If every child and adult truly learned this lesson, I can promise that this epidemic of gay suicides would end quickly.

When someone hates you it has nothing to do with you.  Learn this now, live peacefully forever. 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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