Lesson #25: Do What Scares You

This is one of the most important lessons that has guided my wisest decisions all my adult life.  I seem to have developed an innate instinct which leads me to do the thing that scares me the most.  Because of it I have been able to learn new ideas, take chances, meet fascinating people, and have fun and strange experiences I never would have had otherwise.

For example, in 1993, I had the idea of getting in my car alone for a week and driving with no particular destination.  My gut reaction was terror, so I did it anyway.  I ended up driving through Yosemite, the Grand Canyon, Boulder, and loving the calm peace that came from riding through vast open road and never ending plains.  I loved it so much I did again by myself, driving to Vancouver in 1994, New Orleans in 1995, and Chicago in 1996.  I will cherish those adventures on the road and the people I met for the rest of my life. 

In 2002, I had the crazy idea of leaving everything "safe" in California and moving to New York City.  My cautious mind said, "No way can you do that."  My heart sped up, I felt flush, and that's how I knew it was exactly the right thing to do.  It took awhile to get there, but relocating to the East Coast has been one of the smartest and most gratifying decisions I have ever made.

In 2006, I wrote "Absolutely Should-less."  I was terrified to take on that challenge, and even more horrified at the idea of having anyone actually read it.  Yet, once again, it was that shot of electric fear through my veins that instructed me to sit down and write it, and to get it published for the world to see.

Even now, I still have nervousness and anxiety about approaching soap stars for interviews.  Just the other day when seeing Susan Lucci at a book signing, I experienced a half-second of complete and utter panic. I have met her and interviewed her for We Love Soaps TV before but that voice in my head said, "Come ON, this is Susan F----n Lucci!" I used that distress to move right toward her, and ended up being the first press member to interview her at the event. 

I have learned that it is far more gratifying to react to fear with defiant action than compliant shame.  From asking someone out on a date, to moving in with my partner, to jumping out of airplanes, to starting my own private practice, I am proud that I have spent a great deal of these forty years facing fears and challenges with adrenaline-fueled terror and stubborn determination.  What scares you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #26: Frustration Tolerance Is An Important Measure Of Character

As a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist, I often work with couples who are struggling to make a relationship work, as well as single people who want to find someone with whom they are compatible.  I am often asked what factors to look for in terms of compatibility in a potential mate or a current partner.  Common interests, similar values, and sexual arousal, are always standards for building a solid foundation.  But the one extra thing I always encourage people to consider is how your partner manages frustration.  

"Frustration" is the response we have when reality conflicts with our "shoulds."  And yes, I have them too.  When a subway train breaks down, when people block the sidewalk, if there is a long slow line at Duane Reade's, then I get frustrated.  "Tolerance" is the degree to which we are willing to maintain calm and focus despite frustrations.  It is an acquired mental muscle that takes discipline and focus.  It is the ability to choose to stay centered and serene even in the midst of an event that is frustrating.

When confronted with conflict, someone with low frustration tolerance will act out, make a scene, blurt out passive aggressive statements to strangers, and even sometimes start arguments and fights with people around them.  It is the cause of a great amount of traffic accidents, and in the extreme, can lead to battering and domestic violence.   The underlying delusion behind the behavior is, "If I can change you then I will be less upset."  This is a common yet dangerous belief.

Someone with high frustration tolerance will breathe, go within, recognize they have a choice how to manage the situation, and decide how to react based on what is most useful.  They recognize that even when circumstances are not ideal, they can be acceptable, and move on.  They may choose to be proactive resolving a conflict, or may walk away. But with either option there is the  knowledge that inner serenity is completely their own responsibility, it is not based on other people's actions.

When two people with vastly different levels of frustration tolerance are trying to be together, it can often lead to resentment and anger on both ends.  When one person is invested in practicing health and serenity, while the other is attached to practicing conflict and unhappiness, it makes for a turbulent union at best.  This is why I encourage couples and individuals to look closely at this issue, and if possible, use counseling as a way to build communication, support, and resolution for the various levels of frustration that exist inside and outside of the relationship. 

Knowing this when I was younger would have saved me a lot of time, energy, and sorrow. I had several relationships with people who had no frustration tolerance, blamed the world for their problems, and struck out accordingly.  At this point in my life, I have no time nor interest in being surrounded by people who lack frustration tolerance.  That may have cost me a few friends through the years, but my social circle is filled with people who are responsible for their actions and maintain impulse control. 

How do you react to frustration? Which response would you prefer?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #27: Getting "Older" Means Using The Past As A Measurement Against The Present

What exactly is "getting older"? Chronology and physical changes, of course, are objective markers.  Yet I have noticed the biggest mental distinction between someone who is "old" or "young" has to do with how they measure the present against the past.  They start their sentences with, "It used to be like..." or "In my day..."  More often than not, the present can't hold a candle to a romanticized illusion of the past, and the statement takes on a woeful frustrated tone.  People of any numerical age can do this, and any one can choose not to.

Why are young people romanticized so often in arts and literature?  Because "youth" essentially means you have no past with which to judge the present.  "Youth" are totally in the here-and-now moment, unfettered by fantasies of the past, unburdened by worries of the future.  The good news is that any of us at any age can embrace these qualities, it simply takes practice.

By this definition I am a lot "younger" now than I was in my childhood, teens, and twenties.  I wasted so much time worrying about the future, from larger issues of nuclear war, to my grades in school, to whether someone liked me or not.  I frequently fought change and harshly scrutinized new teachers, new students, new television shows, new music, new books, for not being how they "used to be."  I was stubborn, stodgy, and shut down by age twenty.

I have since learned the freedom of embracing change and focusing on the now.  I am very aware of the past, of people I have known, choices I have made, and how decisions and experiences have led me to where I am today.  But I don't use those events as a rulers against the now.  The past is helpful to me only if it offers perspective and insight of how I can enjoy life in the present.  By fully comprehending that there is no one moment better than another, I am free to live my forty-year-old life with novelty, interest, and investigative curiosity.  How about you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #28: There Are Two Kinds Of People In This World...

Some of my earliest memories involve going with my mother to the Alpha-Beta supermarket in Culver City.  I remember one distinct moment in the parking lot when she looked around, and noted with some detached disdain, "There are two kinds of people in this world.  Those who return to their shopping cart to the store, and those who leave them out."

I always loved studying human nature, even as a child.  I went through undergraduate and graduate school studying Psychology and learning theory after theory about the psychic apparatus,  attachment, unconscious drives, humanism, guilt, dreams, and family dynamics.  There was something about the drive to understand "why" in these studies that seemed removed, cold, and somewhat irrelevant, especially when you are working with clients who have nowhere to live and little food to eat.   As I began working full time in the profession, I found that modern Cognitive-Behavioral models made a lot more clinical sense, offered actual solutions to my clients,  and were more integral to my own values.  The work of Dr. Albert Ellis and Dr. David Burns focused on improving people's lives and empowering them to learn tools to manage their own problems, with or without therapy.

Yet now at age forty, with all my education and research, I'm inclined to believe that my mother had it right all along.  What human behavior comes down to is that some people will return their shopping cart to the front, and some will leave them out.  There are individuals on this earth who perceive connection among living beings, and feel responsible for having a healing impact in this world.  Then there are those who do not feel connected, have no attachment to doing their part to help, and could care less about making another person's life any easier. 

I have been reminded of my mother's eloquence a lot recently, as I do outreach and education for the current HIV Vaccine Trials.  I meet some people who are interested in learning, and feel a strong sense of responsibility to take five minutes to find out if they may be eligible to participate.  And then I meet those who simply don't care.  They shield themselves with fear, arm themselves with ignorance, and mindlessly leave their proverbial shopping cart out for someone else to clean up.

Taking care of my own "shopping cart" in this world has led me to take jobs which help others, and just as importantly, nourishes me.  Friends and family have often questioned how I have been able to do such "depressing work." The answer is very simple: If I'm not part of the solution then I am part of the problem.  I can't take on every thing wrong in the world, but I can return my own shopping cart and encourage others to experience the benefits of doing the same.  How about you?
  
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #29: Keep The Drama Onscreen

It is no secret I love daytime soap operas.  I grew up preferring to watch an episode of Days Of Our Lives or Another World to sitting through any cartoon or children's show.  I enjoyed seeing the adult characters confront problems and calamities, and overcome adversities in order to get stronger, wiser, and able to tackle the next disaster.  The implicit message underlying all the soaps of the 70s and 80s was that you too can overcome traumatic hardships in your own life.  The only drawback for me was how I absorbed and digested this message as: you need drama in your life to have meaning and purpose. After all, the happy characters were rarely seen, and I wanted to live my life "onscreen" as much as possible.

So I set out in my teens and twenties to live the conflict-driven life.  I created plenty of secrets, lies, betrayals, stormy relationships, arguments with crescendos, break-ups with tragedy, and always a front burner story line playing out.  If I was not in a situation laden with drama, then I was damn well going to create one by inventing a dispute, a complaint, a grievance, something that would make me have to learn, grow, and change, just like the soap heroines I loved so much.

Soon after turning thirty a horrifying shift occurred.  My external circumstances became situated in a way that made me...happy! I had a great job in Palm Springs, some fabulous friends, good money, and a wonderful family nearby.  Furthermore, I became tired and bored by my own problems-du-jour I was making up.  I was bored telling them, bored hearing them.  I found myself facing the existential crisis of being content and was terrified what that "meant." After all, if Barbara Ryan, Maggie Horton, Lillian Raines, and Bobbie Spencer disappeared whenever they were happy, what was going to happen to me?

As fate would have it, this was around the same time spiritual practitioner extraordinaire Jacob Glass began doing a lecture series in Palm Springs.  Jacob has an unique way of taking fundamental principles from A Course in Miracles, drawing from New Thought practices of the past one hundred years, adding a pinch of Oprah, a dash of pop culture, and sprinkling with life metaphors from Charlie's Angels.  He was the perfect blend of hope and cynicism that I needed to wake me up to the reality that I had created all the melodrama in my life, and I could stop at any time.  He helped me to understand that I could make conflict and theatrics out of any circumstance if that was my intention.  And most importantly, I learned from him that spirituality, peace, and serenity do not cut all the drama out of your life, they just cut out the cheap drama.

It was from learning these lessons that I moved to New York, wrote a book, began my private psychotherapy practice, and have had the opportunity to interview so many of the daytime stars I loved watching when I was growing up.  It was from the decision to eliminate flimsy cheap drama from my life that I have had the clarity of mind, focus, and direction to create so much more.  I still love the drama onscreen, but now have little tolerance for it in day-to-day life. 

Every day I see people on Facebook and Twitter who appear to be inventing conflict for the sake of experiencing turmoil.  I respect their right to create drama, as I had to do it for several decades before I was willing to give it up.  But I can honestly say that choosing serenity and happiness in any set of circumstances has allowed me to experience highs and lows more profound and deep than I ever did when I was younger.  It enables me to embrace turning forty, knowing that I can face future challenges with an authentic sense of resilience, rationality, humor, and hope.  It sets me on the course of having experiences and adventures that will enhance my soul, not dull it. 

Are you preferring your drama onscreen or off screen? What choices are you making today?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #30: Clean House = Clean Heart

There was a time in my life when I held on to mental grudges and emotional vendettas with a tight fist.  I didn't want anyone to "get away" with hurting me, and I did not forgive or forget anyone who had said or done something "wrong." Not coincidentally, my living space was in a state of cluttered disarray.  I had piles of things I did not need all around, dust gathering on old possessions, and every wall space covered.  I believed that if I threw away collections, clothes, or old sentimental items that I would be losing a part of myself. And thank God, I was right.

Around age eighteen, when I eventually did start cleaning out old closets and letting go of material possessions, I found that I could also let go of old parts of me that didn't fit anymore.  If I could release the parts of childhood Damon that had seen himself as an injured victim, then I could physically and emotionally begin to make room for a newer and more adult version.  This Damon would grow, start to take more responsibility for his experience, and would be more open to learning new lessons.

Often times people clutter and hoard as an unconscious way to protect themselves from a perceived sense of anxiety or loss.  The drawback is that clutter also prevents potential joy from entering your world.  If your home is full then there is literally no room for anything new.  Your heart and mind work in the exact same way.  Disorder in your house and traffic in your mind serve no purpose other than to make you rigid, stifled, and closed down to new opportunities.

My house at this moment is not the neatest place in the world, but it is overall clean with minimal furniture and minimal decoration.  Keeping my living area in order allows me to stay centered, focused, embracing of the present, and excited about the future.  It provides me with a space of positivity and possibility that is reflective of how I feel about aging at this time.  I am willing to let go of the physical and emotional clutter that stagnates me and holds me back from all the adventures and experiences that life has to offer.   What do you need to clear out to make this possible for you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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40 Lessons Of 40: #31-40

In thirty days I am turning 40-years-old. I am counting down the 40 lessons that have helped me to live, to love, to laugh, and to cope with loss.  These are lessons that make my life easier and more peaceful now, and lessons that would have made my life a lot easier and more peaceful when I was in my twenties.  They may not change the whole world, but I guarantee they will change the way you see the whole world.

So please help me celebrate forty years by coming back and reading these life lessons.  If you like, please share on Facebook, Twitter, whatever mode of communication you enjoy the most.

Lesson #31: There Is No Universal Consensus of "Sexy"
Lesson #32: When In Doubt Ask How To Help
Lesson #33: "Young People Today" Are No Different From Young People Yesterday
Lesson #34: It Is Insane To Argue With The Weather
Lesson #35: Random Acts Of Kindness Can Save The World
Lesson #36: Liberation Is Having The Audacity To Ask, "Why The Hell Not?" 
Lesson #37: There Are No Small Jobs, Just Small People
Lesson #38: This Too Will Pass
Lesson #39: "This Ain't No Dress Rehearsal"
Lesson #40: There Are Billions Of Dollars Invested In Me Feeling Scared And Sad About Turning 40

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #31: There Is No Universal Consensus Of "Sexy"

I spent most of my early twenties working at a popular Castro restaurant in San Francisco called, "The Patio Cafe."  The owner had a propensity for hiring "twinks," ie, skinny younger men who personified some fantasy of youth.  On Sundays there would be about nine of us working together on the floor.  One might think that nine gay kids, who had relatively similar physical characteristics, would be interested in the same kind of boys.  However, after being there for many years, I found the truth to be exactly the opposite.  Everyone who walked in was the object of desire for at least one of us.  It didn't matter how young, old, short, tall, dark, light, hairy, smooth, clean, dirty, rich, poor, bald, long-haired, nice, mean, smart or dumb, the customer was.  There was always at least one of us that said, "WOW that guy is hot," another said, "Dude, you are crazy."

It was then I came to the realization that there is no universal consensus of what is considered "sexy." Different people eroticize different qualities in other people.  Some men and women like their partner to be older, some younger, some overweight, some thin. One could go into deeper reasons about "why" one person is more attracted to some type than another, but what's the point?  Hormones are hormones, stimulation is stimulation, sexy is sexy. It's there for someone or it's not.

This runs contrary to what media wants you think.  Television, movies, and magazines impress upon their audiences that there is only one idea of attractive: young and thin.  As pointed out in Lesson 40, the goal of these images is to scare you into thinking you are not sexually appealing to others, so you'll buy products to make you feel confident.  People are fed these messages so insidiously and consistently that they come to believe that young and thin is a universal ideal of sexual desirability, and live in great fear of not looking this way. 

When I was in my twenties I took rejection very personally.  I thought if someone wasn't physically interested in me that it meant I was less of a person, a loser, a nobody.  I didn't understand back then that my self-loathing and self-hatred were universal turn-offs that transcended anyone's physical preference.  And I certainly did not have the tools to understand it's not personal if he's "just not that into you."

Knowing that now helps me to embrace turning forty, and stand up to cruel and distorted notions of ageism. There will always be facets of our culture that brainwash others into believing that aging is something to be feared, and that getting older means you will be asexual, lonely and obsolete. The reality is that some people are physically into you, and some people aren't.  That is just as true at age forty as it was at age twenty as it will be at age sixty.  There is no universal consensus of "sexy," and there never will be.  So embrace what you've got, and use it!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #32: When In Doubt Ask How To Help

Truth be told, I can be a bit shy.  I have no problem socializing at big gatherings...as long as I have a microphone in my hand for We Love Soaps TV, or a clipboard in my other hand for HIV Vaccine Trials.  Left to my own devices, I find it very hard to know what to do at parties, social events, friend gatherings, etc.

Then I learned a helpful trick: Ask how I can be helpful.  It gives me a purpose, it feels good, it makes someone's life easier, and it makes it more natural to socialize.  This might mean serving food, pouring drinks, lifting something, washing dishes, picking up garbage, cleaning up, running out to get ice, listening to a problem, or doing something that helps the person running the the festivities to enjoy themselves.

This lesson has been important at non-social times as well.  When a friend has been ill, when a loved one has died, when I'm at one of those junctures where I don't know what to say, I try thinking about how I can be helpful.  And when in doubt, I ask.  Getting out of my own head is one of the most effective ways I have found to manage social anxiety in these forty years.  It is a very simple idea, with very profound consequences.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #33: "Young People Today" Are No Different From Young People Yesterday

One of my current jobs is doing outreach and education around New York City for HIV Vaccine Trials.  This means I get to have a lot of conversations with people, older and younger, about their views on HIV, responsibility, activism, and social awareness.  It surprises and amuses me when I hear someone around my age say, "These young people don't care.  They just want to listen to Lady Gaga on their iPods and talk to their friends on Facebook."  Immediately I flash back to twenty years ago when I heard, "These young people just don't care.  They just want to listen to Madonna on their Sony Walkman and talk on to their friends on their cordless phones."

This complaint is as old as time itself.  In every decade, in every generation, there exists a continued myth that "these young people" today don't care.  There is a sustained illusion that the older you get, the more your cohorts had something to do with saving the world and impacting social justice.  I, for one, cannot remember any moment in the last forty years where that was actually true.

It is correct to say that there have always been subsets of young people devoted to social change.  ACT-UP of the 1980s and Queer Nation in the 1990s were filled with activists of all ages that were committed to promoting, and at times forcing, legal and political movement.  But it is more factual and historically accurate to state that some people of some age groups care about saving the world, and some simply don't.  This is just as true in 2011 as it was in 1971.  

I am fortunate to work with a group of individuals in their mid-early twenties who are extremely passionate and committed to helping to eradicate HIV/AIDS from our world.  They are so much more knowledgeable and savvy about how to help than I ever was at their age.  Thanks to Lee Chappell's innovative and fun events,  I am meeting more and more young people who are curious and engaged with promoting social change and making the world a better place to live.  And at the same time, I do outreach in areas of New York City where I can't get someone to put down their iPhone long enough to say the word, "HIV."

I've taken from all this that young people today are truly no different from young people yesterday.  Some feel responsible for changing the world, some don't.  If you tell yourself, "Young people don't care," not only are you grossly misrepresenting reality, but you are distorting the truth in a way that makes you bitter, resentful, and aged.  When it comes down to it, young people in every generation just want to have fun and get laid with as little muss and fuss as possible. Big whoop.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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