Lesson #34: It Is Insane To Argue With The Weather

I can't tell you how often I hear people complain, judge, challenge, condemn, blame, and curse out the third snowiest winter ever.  But rain or shine one thing remains true: Mother Nature doesn't give a s**t what you think. 
weather.  This is especially true in New York City, where we just experienced the snowiest January in recorded history.

Dr. Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, consistently and emphatically stated, "People are not upset by the things around them.  People are upset by what they tell themselves about the things around them."  People don't get upset by the wind and the cold, they get upset about what they tell themselves about the wind and the cold.  The same holds true for the economy, the president, the traffic, a coworker, a spouse, a partner, a canceled soap opera, even a death. Anytime we experience anger or frustration it is because of the automatic messages we are telling ourselves, not the situation itself.

I am not saying I like miserable weather or stock market crashes or losing loved ones.  But I have learned that going to war with reality means I will lose.  I will lose rest, I will lose balance, I will lose focus, I will lose joy.  I am simply not willing to sacrifice these things at age forty the way I did when I was younger. 

So no, I don't fight bad weather. I use all adversities as opportunities to practice these 40 Lessons of 40 years.  I choose to find serenity even in the midst of crappy weather, a bad economy, and a friend's death.  This is a valuable tool that any one of us can apply at any age.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #35: Random Acts Of Kindness Can Save The World

If the Winter Blues are still getting you down (especially out here on the East Coast), if you are ever in need of pick-me-up during the day, try doing ONE random act of kindness for another person.  A "random" act is usually unexpected and generous.  A few examples can be:  holding a door open for someone, letting someone go in front of you in line, paying the toll on the bridge for the person behind you, giving someone a subway swipe, saying "thank you" to a mail carrier, giving an extra tip to that waitress working for pennies in your local restaurant, getting a cup of coffee for a co-worker, leaving a nice comment on Facebook, or just calling a relative to say "hi."

I learned the ecstatic joy of this act from my dear friend Chris Bender.  We once ate lunch at Jerry's Deli in Marina Del Rey, California, and Chris wanted to get a homemade treat at the bakery afterward.  While waiting in line a very loud woman behind us commented how much she loved those round black and white cookies, and how much they reminded her of the kind her mother used to make.  In my cynical jaded mind I was thinking, "Geez lady, do we all need to know this?"  The next thing I saw was Chris at the front of the line ordering two cookies, one for himself, and one for this woman.  As he turned around and gave her the treat, the look in her face was one of shock, amazement, happiness, and tears.  "I hope you have a great day," he said as he smiled to her and we departed.  For just 75 cents Chris was able to transform this woman's entire day, and gave her a great story to tell others. 

Why do random acts matter? Because negativity and cruelty are like nuclear waste—they continue to create and increase more of the same.  If I am being an impatient jerk to someone, they are simply going to absorb that energy and dump it on someone else.  That someone else could be a spouse, a child, or another driver on the road who then might in turn use their car to express hostility.  The child that absorbs negativity may bully another child believing that violence will help him or her to feel better, when the reality is that bullying only makes the perpetrator and the recipient more prone to use violence and aggression to communicate.  And so on and so on. This need not be.

Random acts of kindness not only reward the receiver, but they help the giver as well.  They diffuse toxic hostility and make our world an easier and safer place to live.  Will wars end because people buy each other cookies? Maybe not.  But I've learned in forty years that my life is a lot sweeter when I find spontaneous ways to give.  I encourage you to test this for yourself.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #36: Liberation Is Having The Audacity To Ask, "Why The Hell Not?"

Not a single thing I have accomplished has taken place without a loud debate inside the chambers of my mind.  The "Can't Committee" in my brain loves to spew out all the reasons why I will never be able to do something I want to do.  It sites numbers and graphs as to why I will never be successful in reaching my goals.  Fortunately, there is a more audacious and stubborn part of my mind that reacts to the Can't Committee by asking, "Why the hell not? Give me one good reason!"

When I first started conceiving of moving to New York from California, the Can't Committee went into overdrive.  It stated, "You can't move, you have no job, no friends, you'll never make it."  My audacious side replied, "Why the hell not?  Who says I can't? What's the worst thing that could happen if I tried? I could fail, fall flat on my face, and come back to California, big whoop."  The Can't Committee also informed me, "You can't write a book! No one would be silly enough to publish it, and even if they did, no one would read it."  Yet Absolutely Should-less is written, published, well read, and from what I hear, very well received.

It takes audacity to stand up and say "no" to the Can't Committee inside of your own head.  After forty years, I have finally gotten better at responding to mine by asking, "Why the hell not?  I'm Damon! Why NOT me?" Asking this question offers a sense of liberation and resolve that helps me do more of the things I love to do, including making this list of 40 Lessons.  It is only getting stronger with age, more solid with experience, and this is one of the many reasons why I am so very grateful to be getting older.

What does your Can't Committee say to you?  Are you ready to challenge it?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #37: There Are No Small Jobs, Just Small People

By age seventeen I had successfully cornered the market of babysitting in my Culver City neighborhood.  I was getting bored, burnt out, and ready to work with adults.  Given that my penchant for staying up all night was increasing, I decided the only logical next step was to start waiting tables during graveyard shift at the local Denny's.  With my bravado and audacity, I walked in at 3am, told the manager I wanted a job, and somehow convinced him it was totally legal for minors to work night shifts.  I was rewarded with a job offer, but not to wait tables as I had dreamed.  I was told I could work as a dishwasher scrubbing pots and pans, as well as the toilets, from 11pm-7:30am - take it or leave it.  I took it.

My grandfather told me "There are no small jobs, just small people." I took that to heart, and scrubbed those pans and bowls like never before.  I felt so proud that I had been given such an adult responsibility, and took it very seriously.  I brought integrity, devotion, and commitment to that job, as well as to keeping the bathrooms clean.  The hard work paid off: I was soon promoted to a busser position, and then waitstaff.  I approached each and every one of these positions with reverence, fascination, and gratitude.  I came to resent high school even more as I felt it interfered with the thorough and well-rounded education I was getting at Denny's.  I would have rather scrubbed a toilet that sit in a high school classroom.  Come to think of it, I still would.

Over the next twenty years I did clinical work in corporate settings, non-profits, and government agencies.  I knew some people in these environments who approached their work with passion and devotion.  But I also experienced plenty of supervisors and higher-ups who came to work with resentment, anger, bitterness, and business practices that were less than ethical.  One even was convicted of embezzlement from the agency!

My grandfather's words continue, "No small jobs, just small people."  The measure of a person is not in the job they do, it is how they do it.  You don't have to love every job you do, but you always have the option to bring love to every job you do.  All work has value when it is done with integrity and commitment, even scrubbing toilets.  It is because of this distinction that I have been able to take on a myriad of a positions, both high and low on the "food chain," that have assisted in getting the personal and professional experiences needed to learn many of the 40 Lessons discussed in this series.  And it is because of these values that I can still perceive freedom in the midst of a troubled economy.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #38: This Too Will Pass

When I was young it seemed every painful emotion would last forever.  Hurt, rejection, anxiety, embarrassment, humiliation, rage, even boredom, all felt like they would stay with me for an eternity.  I never conceived that difficult feelings would pass, and as an adult they would pass faster.

I wish I had known at twenty-years-old that emotions would get so much easier. That even the most painful feeling of shock and grief is temporary, and will settle into something else.  I wish I had known that deep hurt is what transforms us into sensitive compassionate individuals.  I wish I had known that pain wouldn't always consume so much of my energy.

This lesson is nearly impossible to meaningfully explain to someone young who hasn't yet had this range of experience.  Even if someone had told me this when I was twenty, I probably would not have believed them because I had little personal evidence to back it up.  I am able to see today that I'm not just getting older, I'm getting healthier because I know experientially that every feeling is temporary.  Truly knowing that, I have no need to cling on to the good times, no need to avoid the bad times, no need to fear painful emotions.  They all will pass.  This is why getting older offers a degree of freedom that I have never known before.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #39: "This Ain't No Dress Rehearsal"

By April of 1988, I was closeted, scared, and not sure I was ever going to come out as gay.  I didn't really see the point, as I didn't know any gay people that were happy in their lives, and it seemed it would make my already somewhat miserable high school experience even worse.

Then on April 11th,  Cher won the Academy Award for Moonstruck.  This underdog, this outcast, was finally seeing the rewards for her passion and devotion to her craft.  Furthermore, she came to the ceremony in a unique one-of-a-kind Bob Mackie see-through gown that signaled, "I am here, deal with it."  Later that night she was asked how she had the courage to take so many risky steps in her untraditional career.  "This ain't no dress rehearsal," she replied, and went on to explain that we only have one life to lead, one very short run, and then it's over.  There are no auditions, no rehearsals.  You live your life until you die, and then there are no do-overs.  Her audacious and courageous attitude inspired me to come out no matter who loved me or hated me.  What mattered most was that I was being true to myself, and damn anyone else if they can't handle it.

With that inspired piece of wisdom I set out to live my life with as much passion and integrity as possible.  Some may argue I have gone overboard at times with this.  I would say I have constantly striven to strike a balance between "live for today" and "plan for tomorrow."  But one thing that informs every project I take on, every relationship I engage in, every experience I have, is that this ain't no dress rehearsal.  I'm not going to get a second chance at this so I'm making it the performance of a lifetime.  How about you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Lesson #40: There Are Billions Of Dollars Invested In Me Feeling Scared And Sad About Turning 40

Does it ever seem strange to you that we are made to feel bad about the most natural process in the world?  Aging is the one thing we all have in common no matter what gender, race, sexual orientation, class, culture, religion, geographical region, or financial status we are.  Either we die or we age.  I prefer the latter option.

So why then is there so much shame and embarrassment about going through the most human experience possible? Because financial corporations have a vested interest in making us feel fear so we'll buy products we don't really need.  Moisturizers, cosmetic surgery, make-up, weight-loss programs, teeth whitening gels, hair coloring treatments, hair restoration programs, Viagra, fitness programs, and dozens of other products are advertised specifically to capitalize on our fears.  They try to make us feel like we will be old and alone and depressed if we don't purchase these items.  The implicit message is: getting old is really terrible, but you can feel less afraid by buying this _____.  And since everyone will get older, everyone is the target market. 

I, for one, refuse to give into this.  I'm not saying that any of these products are "evil," I just do not appreciate the fear and shame tactics most use to manipulate and terrify their target audience.  This "40 Lessons Of 40" series is committed to celebrating and embracing the aging process, and forging a new path for anyone who has been told to fear the inevitable.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Relating ...

For those in the New York area, I am co-hosting this new monthly event at Stonewall Bar in the West Village.  Truett Vaigneur and myself will hold discussions and have celebrity guests that bring forward unique perspectives and new thoughts about gay men and relating.  Whether you are single or currently in a relationship, you will find this forum a fascinating experience.  

Please come by MARCH 23, 2011, at Stonewall Bar (53 Christopher Street) from 6pm-7:30pm.  Admission is FREE so come on by and help us "Relate." 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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40 Lessons Of 40

Great news for The Should-less Guy! Starting tomorrow, March 17th, I am beginning the countdown of forty days until I turn forty-years-old.  To commemorate this event, I have made a list or the forty lessons that have helped me to live, to love, to laugh, and to cope with loss.  These are lessons that make my life easier and more peaceful now, and lessons that would have made my life a lot easier and more peaceful when I was twenty.

So please help me celebrate forty years by coming back and reading these life lessons.  They may not change the whole world, but I guarantee they will change the way you see the whole world. 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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Highlights From "Give Up Your Shoulds Day"

Here are some highlights from the 3rd Annual Give Up Your 'Shoulds' Day conference I gave in Manhattan back in November, 2010. Please enjoy!


Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

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