The Absolutely Should-less Blog

Best Holiday Ever!

2011-11-07T11:41:00.001-05:00

This marks the fifteenth year I have been working in the the mental health profession. The one thing that I have seen remain constant from year to year is the amount of stress that takes place during the last two months of each calendar year.

For many people, the holiday season can be a time of fear, guilt, sorrow, loss, social pressures, and financial pressures. For the first time ever, I am offering my tried-and-true tips to experiencing "should-less" holidays. In this FREE video series, I will guide you through each step toward challenging and unlearning stressful "shoulds" around spending money, giving gifts, and navigating social obligations.

In this series I cover:

-The "Should Pie" for challenging stressful holiday "shoulds."
-The 7 simple questions you can use to reduce and eliminate any harmful "should."
-The 5 Tips For Reducing Gift Giving Guilt
-How to incorporate these tools into the rest of your life 365 days a year.

Please come visit me at www.shouldless.com and learn how to make the rest of the year a time of joy, fun, and fulfillment!

Rational Polyamory

2011-09-23T16:08:00.012-04:00

I am so thrilled to be a guest speaker at the monthly Open Love NYC Discussion Group this Tuesday, September 27, from 7:30-9:30. The topic is "Rational Polyamory" and reflects my growing interest in helping people create wonderfully joyful, fulfilling, and rationally based relationships with others.

Individuals who share love and affection with more than one person are uniquely positioned to experience deeper levels of pleasure and satisfaction in all relationships. But without certain principles they may often flounder and become frustrated. I will be offering an easy roadmap for participants to implement in order to gain more satisfaction and fulfillment in their daily interactions. Attendees will learn how to:

• Improve rational communication that promotes respect, integrity, and efficacy in interpersonal relationships with multiple partners.
• Learn the value of staying present and ways to maintain here-and-now focus.
• Explore impact of "drama" in increasing frustrations and resentments.
• Gain tools for managing and inevitable insecurities that arise in poly relationships.
• Maintain responsibility for one's own emotional wellness and state of serenity in relationships.

Tuesday, September 27 – 7:30 pm to 9:30 pm
Manhattan Theater Club
311 West 43rd Street at Eighth Avenue, 8th Floor
New York, NY 10036
Subway to Times Square or Port Authority

Admission: $10 at the door (includes membership bracelet)
$8 for Open Love NY members with 2011 member bracelet
So if you're in the New York area this Tuesday, come by and say hello to me and the good folks of Open Love NY!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, schedule a counseling visit, or a Skype consultation, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Changes Ahead...

2011-09-18T15:02:00.003-04:00

If there is one thing that ever stays the same it is change. If there's a second thing that stays the same, it's the perspective that things "should" be the way they used to be. And if there's a third thing that remains the same, it is the irritation, frustration, and hopeless that results from having "shoulds" about change.

I am especially fascinated by this subject this month, as it seems all our lives personally and globally are undergoing a metamorphosis. From the economy to politics, to our interpersonal relationships, and even the ways we consume entertainment, there is a shift that is being sparked by rapid changes in technology, access to information, and a breaking down of old systems. These shifts can be scary and disappointing, yet with the right tools, can be approached from a place of clarity, certainty, and serenity.

In coming months, you will be seeing some changes here as well. The way I approach this blog, this website, and teaching "should-less" ideas, are all going through an entire revamp, and I am very excited about what is coming next. Stay tuned!

My psychotherapy practice focuses on solution-based approaches for expanding hope, happiness, healing, and strength. I also help people learn effective tools for managing grief and loss, bereavement, ageism, stress, depression, social anxiety, bullying, and anger. I specialize working with individuals and/or couples coping with addiction, HIV related concerns, caretaking fatigue, spiritual/religious issues, and coming out. I currently see clients in Manhattan on Tuesdays and Fridays at 1133 Broadway (at 26th street), and have later night appointments for those who cannot attend during the day.

I offer lectures and workshops throughout New York that assistant participants in managing their daily lives and relationships with greater satisfaction, more enjoyment, and less suffering. To see highlights from my "Give Up Your Shoulds Day" conference in New York City last November, please check out http://t.co/lwmDFhA. If you are interested in having me as a presenter for your group or at your business, please feel free to write me at Shouldless@gmail.com, or call me at 347-227-7707. To read about more tools for managing life without "shoulds," please check out my blog at http://shouldless.blogspot.com.

I am very excited to announce that I now offer Skype Consultations for people outside of New York City. These consultations also focus on helping people compromise and negotiate in order to increase joy, acceptance, and fun in their everyday relationships, as well as promote health and wellness in all the areas listed above. If you are interested in taking part in a private consultation, then please contact me.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, schedule a counseling visit, or a Skype consultation, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
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Swinging From The Debt Ceiling: The Art and Skill Of Compromise

2011-08-02T13:25:00.006-04:00

Like most people, I have been carefully watching the confrontations and controversy unfolding in Washington D.C. as the American economy has been on the verge of what news sources called "a total collapse." I have watched with a mix of fear, dread, and I will admit, fascination, at the arguments taking place amongst a small group of elected officials who appear to be in charge of my financial future. The "fascination" part comes from witnessing how very few people involved with these negotiations have appeared interested or willing to engage in a respectful and dignified compromise until the very last minute. I couldn't help but be reminded of how many relationships I have seen on the verge of similar collapse, and similarly how much time, energy, and money was spent on waiting until the last opportunity to compromise.

The primary reason for this is that most people perceive "compromise" as giving in, losing, and accepting of defeat. However, in all relationships, personal or professional, compromising is actually the exact opposite of failing. Compromise is an opportunity to build a new path with someone for a greater cause. It forces you to expand your point-of-view, and evolve beyond a rigid and limited framework. It enables you to have empathy for another side, and use that perspective to create a solution that has not been tried before. In short, compromise offers you much more than "winning" ever can.

Can you imagine what would have happened if Congress had chosen to compromise months ago? It is quite possible that the stock market, interest rates, and the economy would have been so much stronger by now if elected officials opted to expand their rigid thinking patterns. Likewise, I have seen many couples go through therapy as a last resort right before "total collapse" of their relationship. It would be to every one's advantage to learn the art and skill of effective, productive, and respectful negotiation.

My private psychotherapy practice assists individuals and couples in learning this skill. As a Marriage Family Therapist, I have fifteen years of promoting compromise, compassion, and integrity for people struggling in personal and professional relationships. Whether someone is feeling challenged in an intimate relationship with a partner, a family member, or a boss, I have found tools to help people rationally and effectively manage challenging negotiations and differences. If you would be interested in learning how compromise can be an opportunity for growth and for forming deeper connections with others in your life, I would love to help. Skype consultations are now available for those outside the New York City area.

I am now offering lectures and workshops throughout New York that assistant participants in managing their daily lives and relationships with greater satisfaction, more compromise, and less suffering. To see highlights from my "Give Up Your Shoulds Day" conference in New York City last November, please check out http://t.co/lwmDFhA. If you are interested in having me as a presenter for your group or at your business, please feel free to write me at Shouldless@gmail.com, or call me at 347-227-7707. To read about more tools for managing life without "shoulds," please check out my blog at http://shouldless.blogspot.com.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, schedule a counseling visit, or a Skype consultation, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
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"Relating" With Author Justin Luke!

2011-07-25T14:37:00.001-04:00

Wednesday, July 27th, at Stonewall Inn (53 Christopher Street) at 10pm

Come meet the New York writer everybody is talking about. Justin Luke will be Damon and Truett's special guest on Relating. Justin will talk about his career, writing style and inspiration, becoming a night club icon, and his main character Gulliver!

Justin's new novel, "Gulliver Travels", is an incredibly fun, yet honest, story of Gully, the young guy that . . . "sinks fast into the chronic life of sex, booze, and boys. Just scraping by in the city that never sleeps . . . Gully quickly discovers that this strange, concrete jungle has some major surprises in store. Luckily he has some tricks up his sleeve, and he isn't afraid to use his claws."

Justin will give an early bedtime reading from 'Gulliver Travels', as well as sign your copy. To read more about Justin you can go to the following:

Justin's new novel can be purchased at most New York book stores; however, it is also available at amazon.com.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com
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Before You Rush To The Altar: The Five Secrets Of Successful Relationships

2011-06-28T16:08:00.011-04:00

New York State passed a historic victory for gay/lesbian couples on June 24th, 2011, allowing same-sex couples to marry and enjoy equal legal rights as heterosexuals. This is a profound political triumph for human rights everywhere. However, beyond the euphoria and celebration I strongly urge all couples, gay or straight, to contemplate the gravity of making such a commitment. Just because we now have the legal option to marry, it does not mean it is automatically the right choice at this time. Many couples may rush to take advantage of this new opportunity without building the necessary framework for enjoying and maintaining a long term successful union.

There are five principles and tools that can enhance and improve a couple's ability to maintain love, fulfillment, and commitment for the long run. In my fifteen years of practicing individual and couples therapy, I have found these five secrets indispensable for those who seek to enjoy long term nourishing and loving relationships:

Creativity vs. Conformity: Couples who experience joy together are able to create a structure and framework that is uniquely right for them, as opposed to automatically conforming to what society says they "should" do. For example, in the world at large it may be considered "wrong" or "selfish" for one to go on a vacation without a spouse. But what if one person in a couple loves traveling and the other hates it? It is quite possible, and I would argue necessary, for couples who want to avoid resentments and bitterness to create arrangements that are specifically right for them. This pertains to travel, handling money, sexual frequency, child rearing, socializing with friends, any action or situation that impacts both parties can be served by being respectfully created and negotiated.

Communication vs Conclusion: So often couples think they know each other well enough that they can conclude what the other person is thinking or feeling. A partner might say, "I know my husband doesn't want to see that play so I'm not even going to ask him." What gets lost here is the ability for two people to communicate, and again create, a solution that is right for both parties. Even if it's true that your husband doesn't love theater, people do change, and he might still appreciate being asked. It is so easy for us in a busy world to assume we know what our partners want and need. These assumptions can often lead to missed opportunities, hurt feelings, and more resentments. I encourage couples to respectfully communicate and ask questions even if you think you already know the answer. Counseling can be a great way for couples to learn unique and effective ways to communicate thoughts, needs, desires, preferences, and goals.

Compassion vs. Condemnation: So what if you have a partner who doesn't share many of your interests? What if you can't wait to get to City Hall to get married and he's expressing concerns or doubts? What if you're wanting sex more often than him? These areas can all be created and communicated utilizing compassion. When you are compassionate, it does not mean you agree and go along everything your partner wants. But it does mean you make a genuine effort to be empathic, that is, to see and feel things from their point of view. Compassion is recognizing nobody wakes up saying, "I can't wait to be an asshole today." We are all trying to do the best we can with what we have, and some days are easier than others. The opposite of this is condemnation, which involves blaming your partner for how you feel, putting him or her down for having different perspectives or needs, and making him or her "wrong." Condemnation results in anger, resentments, at times domestic violence, and mostly definitely plays a fundamental role in divorces and separations. Couples counseling can be instrumental in helping couples shift from condemnation to compassion in their interactions.

Contribution vs. Control: In successful long-term relationships there is a sense of two people contributing toward a common goal, as opposed to one person making all the decisions and seeking to control the other. This can become tricky in relationships where there is a significant difference in income, age, health, or other power imbalance. However, even when circumstances contribute to power differentials, it is still possible, and necessary, for both members to feel they are contributing something vital and essential to the relationship. This can be accomplished by using the previous three tools above (creation, communication, compassion), and figuring out areas where both can feel empowered. If one person is the breadwinner, perhaps the other can bake the bread. Any opportunity for both members to feel they are giving to the one another, and contributing to the relationship as a whole, will increase their satisfaction, enjoyment, and sense of pride.

Connection vs. Completion: Unfortunately, many have been taught by pop culture and Hollywood films that a relationship is meant to "complete" them, or help them find their "missing soul mate." This, in my personal and professional experience, is one of the biggest misnomers and crimes ever perpetuated against long-term unions. Not only is it impossible for someone to meet all your needs, but it is no one's responsibility to or ability to "make" you feel anything. Every great philosopher, therapist, or relationship expert, from Epictetus to Dr. Albert Ellis to Tina Turner to Oprah Winfrey, has discussed the importance of taking responsibility for one's own growth and development. Another person in a fulfilling relationship can promote and enhance that growth, but does not "make" it happen. Partnerships thrive when they are based in the authentic and pure desire to connect with someone, not to hold them accountable for your "completion."

Good counseling can promote wellness, love, respect, and sustainability in all stages of couplehood. To learn more, please do not hesitate to contact me Shouldless@gmail.com, or call 347-227-7707.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Relating With The Stonewall Riot Survivors!

2011-06-28T02:56:00.001-04:00

Relating with Damon and Truett

June 29th, 53 Christopher Street

6:30pm

Jerry Hoose and Tommy Schmidt were there on June 28th, 1969 at the historic Stonewall riots. Now, over 40 years later, Jerry and Tommy, who were both featured in the documentary "Stonewall Uprising", will make another appearance at The Stonewall Inn, as our special guest they will discuss the night that changed the face of America forever.

Swing by The Stonewall Inn (53 Christopher Street) on June 29th, meet Jerry and Tommy, and hear about the LGBTQ movements that have happened over the years; however, it all started at The Stonewall Inn with brave young people like Jerry and Tommy. Their stories are amazing and very inspirational!

Also we'll have a special performance by the very talented Stonewall Sensation winner, Erik Sisco.

Our guest group for the evening will be the 'Gay Coaches Collective'.

The show's schedule:
6:30-7:00pm: Socializing and drinks
7:00-8:00pm: Discussion with Jerry Hoose and Tommy Schmidt
8:00pm: Erik Sisco will perform "I am what I am" and "Over the rainbow"

After the talk show and performances we will have a Stonewall post-pride party so everyone can meet Jerry and Tommy.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

The Tweeting Of Blame

2011-06-13T13:45:00.005-04:00

"We are always paid for our suspicion by finding what we suspect."
- David Henry Thoreau

"If you point out the errors of your brother's ego you must be seeing through yours"

-A Course In Miracles

You may succeed in making another feel guilty about
something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it
is about you that is making you unhappy. "

-Wayne Dyer

There has been a profound amount of finger pointing and guilt seeking online this week. From Congressman Anthony Weiner to daytime soap star Crystal Chappell, I have seen online boards flooded with pages and pages devoted to seeking fault and perceived moral deficit in other people. Twitter offers a unique and effective way to complain and blame, given that 140 characters hardly allows you to experience a rich discussion or get a sense of complexity or depth that fuel people actions.

To review: people have been up in arms because New York Congressman Anthony Weiner sent out a series of PG-13 pictures of his body to various females, and lied about it publicly (though more details are unfolding as this is being written). Emmy winning Crystal Chappell has been taken to task because she opted not to defend a cast mate who was cruelly bullied by a media figure on Twitter. This past week most people I know have been commenting/blogging/posting/tweeting and forming judgments about the choices of these public figures with inflated superiority.

There is a special type of adrenaline reserved for moral indignation. As far as I can see, millions of people are getting high right now off their sense of righteousness.

To be clear: you cannot find guilt in others that you do not perceive within yourself. This is just as true for bullies in schools as it is for judgmental religious leaders, as it is for soap fans on Twitter. You can only condemn in others parts of yourself you don't like. Twitter, and American culture at large, enable and encourage you to perceive guilt and fault in someone or something outside of yourself. But finger wagging and blame won't change the feelings and desires you are uncomfortable with.

This is most evident in the example of gay bullying. The only reason one would choose to focus on another person's sexual orientation is if they were uncomfortable with their own. It is usually closeted gay teens who violently seek out and pursue attention from other (perceived) gay teens in the form of bullying. When someone has comfort within themselves about who they are, they have no reason to fear and condemn the actions and desires of others.

Similarly, Anthony Weiner's behaviors have set off a maelstrom of insecurities about the structure of the traditional heterosexual dyad. His actions have challenged the foundation of "monogamy" and "cheating." Instead of people looking at the issues he brings up, and their own interest and stimulation by his activities, they are resolving to handle this internal stress by blaming him and calling for his resignation. If he does quit, it will do nothing to further resolve the fundamental problems in people's relationships, and will only enable people to blame others the next time a political scandal breaks (and there will be a next time!).

Crystal Chappell's Twitter activities have also provoked thousands of thousands of comments and opinions regarding what she "should" have done when a colleague was verbally attacked. Once again, people can narrowly focus on the "shoulds" of others, and gain adrenaline-fueled momentum on their search for finding fault and assigning guilt. But doing so won't make their lives any happier.

Responsibility and integrity are essential ingredients in the recipe of mental health. This starts when you decide to focus on the person in the mirror instead of public figures. Ask yourself, "In what ways have I have behaved outside of my integrity? Have I ever been tempted to engage in a relationship outside of a monogamous dyad? Is Anthony Weiner really bad, or does it just piss me off that he almost got away with doing something I really wanted to do?" Or ask yourself, "In what ways have I not stood up for someone in my life? How have my actions contradicted my intentions? Is Crystal Chappell really wrong, or does she just remind me of times in my life when I have fallen short by not being there for someone else?"

Focusing on the errors of others is a great way to avoid responsibility within yourself, feel high off superiority, and gain community with others who are doing the same thing. But it won't help you sleep at night, and it won't enable you to have more authentic feelings of pleasure, enjoyment, and serenity. Instead of seeking fault in others, try noticing what uncomfortable feelings are aroused. You may be surprised at what you find!

**NOTE: Since the writing of this piece, more details have been learned about Weiner's involvement with underage women. I do not condone or agree with this behavior, but still maintain that it is serves individuals and couples to discuss their reactions and thoughts about his actions instead of perceiving him solely as the "problem."

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Psychotherapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

What Is Integrity?

2011-06-07T14:13:00.001-04:00

What is integrity? During my 40 Lessons of 40 series earlier this year I frequently discussed integrity as a goal of living with more balance, acceptance, and peace. Yet many afterward requested I go into more depth about what "integrity" means and how it impacts culture and mental health.

"Integrity" by my standards means you get clear on your priorities and values, and then shape your daily decisions and actions in alignment with those priorities and values. It is based on what is authentically true for you, not what you and others think it "should" be. For instance, a high priority for me is to "be the change in the world," meaning, I recognize it is my responsibility to make this world a better place than how I found it. My daily decisions and actions follow that value by keeping up an affordable psychotherapy practice, doing outreach/education for HIV Vaccine Trials, and using online media to spotlight the achievements and accomplishments of artists who are helping improve the world at We Love Soaps.

The problems occur when one is acting in ways that are out of alignment with their proclaimed values. This week the media has spotlighted (ad nauseum) a New York Congressman whose online behavior was out of alignment with his public priorities and traditional family values. Such a discrepancy has captured the attention and imagination of the masses because it resonates with our own internal sense of something being "off." We love to point out the embarrassing and humiliating flaws in others, but are rarely willing to look at our own contradictions. Acting outside of one's integrity can ultimately lead to depression, intense stress, frustration, reduction in job performance, interruption of primary relationships, and increase in addictive behaviors.

My psychotherapy practice focuses on solution-focused approaches for learning and strengthening integrity, and promoting consistency between priorities, values, and actions. I help people learn effective tools for managing grief and loss, bereavement, ageism, stress,depression, social anxiety, bullying, and anger. I specialize working with individuals and/or couples coping with addiction, HIV related concerns, caretaking fatigue, spiritual/religious issues, and coming out. I currently see clients on Tuesdays and Fridays at 1133 Broadway (at 26th street), and have later night appointments for those who cannot attend appointments during the day. I take ComPsych insurance, and work with other companies to assist clients in getting reimbursed for out-of-network benefits. Additionally, I have a reasonable sliding scale that is negotiated collaboratively.

I am now offering lectures and workshops throughout New York that assistant participants in managing their daily lives without the "shoulds" that lead to suffering. To see highlights from my "Give Up Your Shoulds Day" conference in New York City last November, please check out http://t.co/lwmDFhA. If you are interested in having me as a presenter for your group or at your business, please feel free to write me at Shouldless@gmail.com, or call me at 347-227-7707. To read about more tools for managing life without "shoulds," please check out my blog at http://shouldless.blogspot.com

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

The L Train Suicides

2011-05-25T13:11:00.004-04:00

Residents of the Williamsburg neighborhood of Brooklyn depend on the L train as the primary mode of transportation between our little nook and Manhattan. We are often frustrated and flummoxed by the quantity of delays and disruptions in service on this subway line. But in recent months, we have been increasingly perplexed by the disturbing amount of suicides that are have taken place on this line. At 11:30am today, there was the third of at least three incidents in the past three months in which a commuter took his or her life on the L train tracks. What is happening here?

I am not privy to the identities of the victims, nor the reasoning for using the L train (seeming more so than any other subway line) to end one's life. What I do know is that the act of suicide is an expression of extreme suffering that comes from distorted thought and belief patterns. These ideas may include: "There is something wrong with me," "I should be normal," "Nothing will ever be better," "It is up to other people to make me happy," "I am unlovable," "I have nothing to contribute to this world," "I will always feel as bad as I do today."

In my therapy practice, I encourage individuals and couples to question and challenge irrational and destructive thought patterns that can lead to violence, anger, and/or suicide. Such alternatives may include, "There is nothing wrong with me even if I don't fit in," "There is no such thing as 'should'", "My life will get better if I do the work of taking care of myself," "I am 100% responsible for making me happy," "I am truly lovable for who I am," "I have something of value to give to others in this world," "My feelings are not facts - just because I feel like I will never feel better, that is not rationally true.

As subway commuters who can't commute, it is easy to become angered and enraged by the fact that thousands of lives are disturbed and disrupted by one tragic act. We tend to focus on the loss of income generated, the missed meetings, and general frustration with not being able to control our day. But the truth is, suicide is more than just an inconvenience. The repeated pattern demonstrates that there is something very problematic and toxic in our neighborhood that is leading people to believe suicide is the only way to get relief. When each of us change our thinking, we experience a different kind of relief that creates possibility for others to do the same. I know I am going to be a lot more aware of this on the L train from now on. How about you?

Please press here to see my "40 Lessons of 40" series, which includes tips for managing suicidal thoughts, depression, stress management, and anger management. If you are thinking about committing suicide PLEASE talk to someone first. Call 1-800-273-8255.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Come to "Relating" with Damon and Truett in NYC!

2011-05-23T16:59:00.000-04:00

**Tomorrow, Tuesday May 24th, at 53 Christopher Street, 10pm**

I am so excited to be hosting this monthly event in the West Village of Manhattan. We have international sex expert Rocky LaBarre, one of New York's leading advisors on sexual activity, the art of sensuality, and anal pleasure.

Rocky LaBarre, a celebrity in the adult film/modeling industry, and massage therapist of 25 years, will discuss worthwhile techniques on having pleasurable sex just the way you like it. Rocky's charisma and sex appeal will definitely add excitement to hearing all of his knowledge on the art of sexual pleasure. As with all subjects, seeking advice from an expert will make your experiences more pleasurable.

Rocky is a native of New York City, he became a sex expert as he has always had a caring, sensual, and intuitive nature. As he himself says: "I can feel what another person feels when I touch them."

Here is your chance to meet Rocky and get his advice on pleasurable, relaxing sex and how relating to your partner (or buddy) in a more intimate, satisfying way can create a better relationship.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

40 Lessons Of 40: #1-#10

2011-05-01T17:31:00.003-04:00

Aging. We are all going to do it no matter who we are, where we live, or what we believe. Yet I have found there is much intense fear and shame around the most human thing we can possibly do. I started writing the "40 Lessons of 40" series to assist people of any age realize that getting older can bring empowerment, fun, and freedom, when they learn how to apply certain tools.

I am thrilled that I turned 40-years-old on April 25th. In the 40 days prior, I counted down the lessons that have helped me to live, to love, to laugh, and to cope with loss. These are lessons that make my life easier and more peaceful now, and lessons that would have made my life a lot easier and more peaceful when I was in my twenties. They may not change your whole world, but I guarantee they will change the way you see your whole world.

Lesson #1: Seek Not To Change The World But To Change Your Mind About The World
Lesson #2: Dropping The "Should" Makes Life Happy
Lesson #3: What Other People Think And Say About You Is None Of Your Business
Lesson #4: Feelings Are Not Facts
Lesson #5: Don't Believe Anyone Who Says "You Can't."
Lesson #6: You Are Not Your Body
Lesson #7: There Is Power And Serenity In Saying, "No."
Lesson #8: What Is Real Cannot Be Threatened
Lesson #9: Change Is Good
Lesson #10: You Are 100% Responsible For How You Feel

Lessons #11-#20
Lessons #21-#30
Lessons #31-#40

I am a licensed psychotherapist in New York who focuses on short-term solution-focused approaches to learning tools for coping with ageism, grief and loss, bereavement, stress management,social anxiety, depression, and anger. I also specialize working with individuals and/or couples coping with addiction, HIV related concerns, caretaking fatigue, spiritual/religious issues, and coming out. I currently see clients on Tuesdays and Fridays at 1133 Broadway (at 26th street), and have later night appointments for those who cannot attend appointments during the day. Press here to see highlights from my recent "Give Up Your Shoulds Day" conference in New York City. If you are interested in having me as a presenter for your group or at your business, please feel free to write at Shouldless@gmail.com, or call me at 347-227-7707.

40 Lessons Of 40: #11-20

2011-04-30T13:59:00.002-04:00

Why 40 Lessons of 40? Because I turned 40-years-old on April 25th, and have found that many approach the gift of aging with fear and shame. These are lessons I have learned in forty years that helped me to live, to laugh, to love, and to cope with loss. I hope they help you to see that the true fountain of youth is the satisfaction and inspiration you get from growing older.

Lesson #11: Pain is Inevitable, Suffering Is Optional
Lesson #12: No One Opens Their Mind When They Feel Shamed Or Judged
Lesson #13: Showing Up is 50%
Lesson #14: You Only Dislike Things In Others That You Dislike In Yourself
Lesson #15: The World Is Not Ending
Lesson #16: Life Is Better As An Outsider
Lesson #17: To A Hammer The World Is Filled With Nails
Lesson #18: The Show Must Go On
Lesson #19: There Is No Need To Fear Feelings
Lesson #20: Chronology Does Not Always Bring Maturity

Lessons #21-#30
Lessons #31-#40

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to stress management, depression, anger management, addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #1: Seek Not To Change The World, But To Change Your Mind About The World

2011-04-25T20:30:00.007-04:00

I have shared on this blog and in "Absolutely Should-less" that there was a time in my life I struggled with crippling depression. I believed that it was up to certain people and situations to change in order for me to be happy. I actually thought that by hurting myself I could punish others and change minds. Fortunately, an intuitive voice communicated to me, "Focus on changing yourself, not the world."

By making just a small shift in my thinking, I was able to alter my focus in a way that enabled me to accept circumstances in the here-and-now while maintaining hope that things would get better. As I found more peace in the present, I actually started finding myself being able to make more friends, get better grades, and have less negativity directed in my direction from others.

This flies in the face of the conditioning I have received. I am told by right wingers that how I feel should be based on the fact that I am a sinner/deviant. I am told by left wingers that how I feel should be based on being able to marry and join the military. I am told by the media that how I feel should be based on looking young and staying thin. I am told by "news" sources that how I feel should be based on the fact the world is a violent and scary place. I am told by soap fans that how I feel should be based on cruel decisions made by corporate heads at ABC/Disney. I have been told by the U.S. government for most of the past ten years that how I feel should be based on the "terrorists" out there.

So now I use this lesson instead to maintain a sense of serenity and acceptance about the state of the world. It makes it a lot easier if I replace the word "world" with whatever appears to be troubling that day. For example:

"Seek not to change Sarah Palin, but to change my mind about Sarah Palin."
"Seek not to change the guy who just stepped on my foot on the subway, but to change my mind about the guy who just stepped on my foot on the subway."
"Seek not to change my sinus pain, but to change my mind about my sinus pain."
"Seek not to change the weather, but to change my mind about the weather."

And so on. Anytime you notice yourself blaming someone or something else for how you feel, try replacing the "world" in this lesson with that person's name.

There will always be individuals and systems in the world who will instruct you to feel depressed, scared, and wrong. It is not your job to change them, simply to change your mind about them. When you change your mind you do in fact change the world. Making one small shift from a fearful angry thought to a loving peaceful thought can have an impact on others that you can not even imagine. Every thing that I have written about here was a result of someone teaching me something. They had to have changed their minds first in order to communicate an important and useful ideas.

All 40 of these lessons have been predicated on the idea that changing your thinking about the world can be the most empowering and loving thing you can do for yourself and the people around you. If even one person reading this is able to use a lesson to make their thinking a little gentler, a little kinder, a little more compassionate, with a little more humor, then I have done my job. I thank everyone who has read this series, and profoundly we all continue to be agents of change in our own lives.

Press here to view a copy of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret To Living The Stress-Free Life You Deserve."

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #2: Dropping The "Should" Makes Life Happy

2011-04-24T15:17:00.003-04:00

At forty years old, I would like to think I have the wisdom, knowledge, and insight to say what my life should look like, how others should act, and how the world should look. Unfortunately, I have absolutely no clue. When I assume I do know, I pay the price with frustration, irritation, stress, and heart ache.

"Should" assumes that there is an agreed upon governing body of principles that we can all defer to in order to determine morality and standards. It assumes that you and I have knowingly and willingly entered into an arrangement stating, "We will both respect and follow the dictates of this system. We will agree upon how people should behave, how they should appear, what they should value." Outside of a convent or a monastery is this true? Hardly. You are bound to encounter people different from yourself who have different values. All of us carry around our own governing systems based on ideas we have learned throughout our lives, and most people defend that theirs are inherently "right." However, it is exactly this narrow faith in an invisible objective committee which leads us to condemn ourselves and others. There is no objective moral standard for living that all individuals in a diverse world will agree upon so the term "should" holds no universal meaning.

During my first year of college I began questioning the nineteen years of "shoulds" that had been weighing me down such as, "I should be smarter, I should be more masculine, I should play sports, I shouldn't be so emotional, I should be better looking, I should be in a relationship..." and dozens more. I notice that when I dropped the "should" I immediately felt more at ease, relaxed, unburdened, and hopeful. I shared this idea with friends, and they too noticed they felt better without "shoulds." We even started playing a game where we would catch each other every time we used "should" in a sentence, and had fun with the idea that feeling better could be so simple and immediate. Because "should" had been such a fundamental part of my thought system I wore a sign around my neck of the word should enclosed by a closed circle, which ultimately went on to be come the logo you see above.

In Lesson #9, I discussed how change is good, and that everything that is wonderful in my life now is a result of a change that some point I resisted. Every time I have not gotten a job, a relationship, or an opportunity I wanted, I was able to look back in retrospect and see that not getting it was the best thing for me. Having these experiences repeatedly lead me to realize that I have no clue how anything should be so I might as well drop the "should" and chill out.

I have been criticized for being too adamant and alert about the word "should" (I believe the word "should nazi" was used once). Believe me, I have no investment in controlling any body's thoughts. But I do stay consistent with this message because we are inundated every day with hundreds of message, directly and indirectly, which communicate that you are not okay to be who are, and so you should change the way your look, your weight, your finances, your mood, your clothes, your job, your home, your values (and so on...). From my perspective these "shoulds" lead people to suffer when they conflict with reality, and then result in depression, anger, anxiety, high blood pressure, aches and pains, failed relationships, drug and alcohol use, and so much more. It takes a strong counter force to balance toxic messages, and being cognizant of these "shoulds" has been the number one way that I have been able to hold my own against them.

I challenge anyone who feels bad about themselves, or who fears getting older, to try going just one day without using the word "should" against themselves and others. Knowing and living this lesson prepares me to get older feeling empowered, confident, and strong. Dropping the "should" has enabled me to live, love, to cope with painful loss, and still feel excited about what the next day will bring. It is my profound hope that it helps you do the same.

Press here to view a copy of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret To Living The Stress-Free Life You Deserve."

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410*

Lesson #3: What Other People Think And Say About You Is None Of Your Business

2011-04-23T16:12:00.000-04:00

I grew up believing that what other people thought about me was my responsibility. So when someone didn't like me or didn't want to be my friend, I took it horribly personally, and believed that rejection was a reflection of my value as a human being. This preoccupation with other people's judgments sent me into a depressive tailspin as a child.

Throughout my teens and twenties I spent much time and energy worrying about what people thought of me. "Do they like me?" "Do they think I'm cool?" "Does he think I'm attractive?" "Does she think I'm smart?" Focusing on what other people thought or said resulted in feeling extremely insecure about myself, and even shaping my personality to fit into what I hoped would please others. When all my machinations failed and someone still didn't like me, I demonized that person and made them the villain of my never ending dramatic story line.

Around turning thirty I finally began to challenge the idea that I "should" be liked by others. I had recently gotten a job working in an outpatient psychiatric clinic in California that offered great training, supervised intern hours, and a nice salary to boot. I so desperately wanted to do well, to get along with others, and please everyone. So I did my best to excel in all areas possible and to be as kind I could to the secretaries, the administrators, the therapists, and the doctors. Despite all my efforts, it tended to be a perpetually dysfunctional family environment. Sooner than later, the rumor gossip mill got around to me, and lies were spread about activities in my private life.

I felt extremely indignant and enraged. Underneath the anger was a sense of hurt. How could they do this to me? What did I do to deserve this?" I slowed down, took out my journal, and thought about it. I asked myself straight out: "What does it matter what they think of you? Are you really going to let this great opportunity be sabotaged by petty gossip? Why have you spent your life giving others so much dominion over your self-esteem?" I took this as a challenge and went to work the next day with my head held high, focused on being true to myself, and serving my clients. I rode out the wave of pettiness, and soon enough, the toxic waste cloud of gossip hovered over someone else.

Eventually I was promoted to run my own program. I had trepidations about accepting the advancement because I knew it would entail receiving a fair amount of heat. I would be heading a group-focused day treatment program in a neighboring clinic, and I had witnessed first hand that whomever led these programs was constantly on the "hot seat" during weekly meetings. I slowed down, took out my journal, and thought about it. "Are you really going to allow this great opportunity to be sabotaged by your need for approval? What does it matter to you what they think of you? Can't you handle a little pressure on the hot seat?" I took this opportunity as a personal challenge: How much could I tolerate being despised by coworkers? As it turned out, this program was one of the most satisfying experiences of my life, my coworkers were mostly supportive, and I was quite able to handle a little "heat" every now and then.

It was around this time that I began attending the lectures of Jacob Glass and studying A Course In Miracles. I came to understand that it is none of my business what other people think or say about me. I have positively no control over others, and when I focus and worry about other people's opinions it actually detracts from my own dreams and goals.

After forty years I have come to understand the my only real purpose is to make this world a better place than how I found it. These efforts can be seen in my book Absolutely Should-less, in the work I do as a therapist in private practice, in the outreach/education I perform for HIV Vaccine Clinical Trials, my interviews at We Love Soaps, writing these 40 Lessons of 40, as well as yearly fundraisers like the AIDS Walk. Note: pleasing others is not on this list. As long as I'm clear on my goals, and taking action with integrity, then I am released from the exhaustion of worrying what other people think of me.

Learning Lesson #3 has given me more freedom than I can express. This clarity and purpose is a gift of getting older, but by no means is restricted to any chronological age. At any time in your life you can release the concerns of other people's judgments. It is none of your business what other people think of you. They have free will to think what they want, and so do you. I am convinced that if we all kept our eyes "on our own papers," then we would have time and energy on making our own lives meaningful, and this world truly would change.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410*

Related:
Support Damon walking in the 2011 AIDS Walk
Lesson #14: You Only Dislike Things In Others That You Dislike In Yourself
Lesson #17: To A Hammer The World Is Filled With Nails
Lesson #22: Be The Change You Want To See

Lesson #4: Feelings Are Not Facts

2011-04-22T12:33:00.002-04:00

The way you feel is not always an accurate reflection of what is happening in reality. There are many times in the 1980s I felt like I was going to die as a result of President Reagan's negotiations with the U.S.S.R. Conversely, I woke up the morning of September 11, 2001, feeling like it was going to be a wonderful day. When I lead with my feelings I am mostly wrong, because feelings such as depression, fear, anger, and even joy and excitement, are not representations of what is actually taking place.

Feelings are not facts. They are experiences that can be extremely pleasurable or quite disturbing. Either way, they do not always reflect what is objectively taking place around you. For example: When I'm waiting for the subway train to come, I often feel like it's never going to get there, and then I experience frustration, impatience, and anger. The rational fact is that eventually that train will be there. It could be one minute, it could be twenty minutes, but eventually someday, sometime that train will appear. When I'm on a roller coaster I feel like my body is in jeopardy. Rationally I know that it is a lot more likely I could die in the car that brought me to the roller coaster, but on a ride I allow myself to have a sensational feeling while knowing that the thrill is not real. Whether it is excitement or frustration, my feelings are not reflections of the objective reality.

This can be especially troublesome in relationships when you feel like someone else is doing something wrong. A phone call or text message isn't returned quickly. Your partner is distracted. Your sex life decreases. These can all lead one to feel like a relationship is in trouble, when in fact, these can be common occurrences in any long term partnership. These changes may mean nothing at all. But if you make decisions solely based on how they feel, versus rationality, you are bound to be stressed out and unhappy, and possibly destroy a union that has value to both of you. Conversely, you may feel like someone truly loves you and wants to be with you, while the rational evidence may show that that person is not loving and caring towards you. Either way, feelings are not the best indicator of what is actually happening in reality.

Sadly, thinking that feelings are facts can have deadly consequences as well. We are too familiar now with the frequency that young gay/lesbian people take their lives while feeling like their life will never get better. Rationally, we know that life does get better, and the current "It Gets Better" campaign offers plenty of credible evidence to support this. Yet suicide attempts are made from the irrational thought, "I feel my life will never get better so that must be true."

It is often painfully true that domestic violence often occurs when one partner feels the other person is cheating or betraying the other in some manner. Regardless of what is actually true, once one person is suspicious, then the trust is broken, resentment and anger builds, and this all too often gets released in a violent and/or verbal action. This need not ever happen!

Please keep in mind, there is nothing "bad" or problematic about feelings. As I said earlier, feelings can be wonderful pleasurable experiences. What brings unnecessary pain and suffering is when you use feelings to decide something is true at the exclusion of rational evidence around you. I may feel that train isn't coming, but all rational evidence would indicate it will. I may feel like my grief will never end after losing someone, but I know from experience that it will change. Knowing this lesson at age forty sets me on track to have wonderful highs and lows on the roller coaster ride called "world," while making important decisions based on objective data.

If feelings are too overwhelming, then stop, breathe, think, and ask for help from a therapist or someone you trust. Take good care of yourself because it can be very hard to practice rationality when hungry, afraid, lonely, or tired. Children often learn to take a "time-out" when they are emotionally overwhelmed and I think as adults that is one of the wisest tools we can use as well.

If we want to live in a world with less suicide, less violence, and less suffering, then it begins by each of us challenging automatic thought patterns. If you want to see young people live and thrive instead of taking their lives, then all of us need to be that change. We can all be part of the solution just by making some adjustments to our thought patterns, and taking more actions based on facts instead of feelings. Practicing this lesson has offered me the opportunity to live with increased fun and fulfillment, and reduced suffering.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410*

Lesson #10: You Are 100% Responsible For How You Feel
Lesson #19: There Is No Need To Fear Feelings
Lesson #38: This Too Will Pass

Lesson #5: Don't Believe Anyone Who Says "You Can't."

2011-04-21T11:39:00.000-04:00

While in high school in Culver City, California, I developed a fascination with Santa Cruz, and made it my goal to go to college there. I obtained brochures, information, and visualized seeing myself belonging there, long before "picture boards" were in vogue. But when I sat down with my guidance counselor and told her my intentions, she proceeded to pull out charts and graphs to explain why I would not be able to get in. Citing my lackluster grades, mediocre S.A.T. scores, and all around lethargic attitude toward education, she recommended I not expend time and energy applying.

With tears in my eyes I left her office, and went to see my favorite teacher Nancy Goldberg, aka, "Goldie." You may not recognize her name, yet she stands alone as one of the unsung heroes in public education in California. For over four decades, she has counseled and guided thousands of outcasts and misunderstood youth, giving us the opportunity to be seen, recognized, supported, and understood.

So when I came to her in 1988 with deflated hopes and broken dreams, I knew that I would get sympathy. "What's goin' on?" she asked. I told her of my experience with the guidance counselor. "What college do you want to go?" she asked. I explained how badly I wanted to go to Santa Cruz for school. "Well don't listen to that old bitch," she replied, "We'll get you in!"

Just like that, I believed again. Having one adult express faith in my dream gave me the courage and conviction to fill out an application, write an essay, and send it in. One year later, when my acceptance letter came, I was overwhelmed with shock, happiness, and vindication. I ran back to school to find Goldie to show her the official document stating that I had made it in. "Yeah, I knew it..." she said, and that was that.

I resolved from that experience to never again allow anyone or anything to quash my dreams. Since 1988, I have learned that people in positions of authority in schools and bureaucracies rarely have an understanding of how day-to-day operations go on, and are typically the last person you want to take career advice from. I have also learned that the individuals who do achieve success in this world, ie, President Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, or even Lady Gaga, have all had to rise above an oppressive chorus of "you can't" by ignorant and limited "experts."

Today I still keep in touch Goldie, and share with her the successes that she has helped to create. There is a special dedication in my book "Absolutely Should-less" that acknowledges her for being the first adult to teach me how to challenge the garbage I was being told was "true." As she prepares to wind down her nearly half-century legacy at Culver City High School, I know that her courage and wisdom will carry on in the thousands of alumni she inspired who became parents, grandparents, doctors, nurses, policemen, actors, teachers, directors, entrepreneurs, technicians, writers, lawyers, scientists, artists, engineers, singers, geologists, musicians, and yes, therapists, all around the world.

And her message will persevere when you read this as well. Do not let anyone tell you that you can't achieve what you want. Do not allow anyone to hold dominion over your hopes and dreams. And never give anyone the power to limit the expression of what is in your heart.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410*

Related Lessons:
Lesson #16: Life Is Better As An Outsider
Lesson #21: Don't Condemn What You Don't Understand
Lesson #36: Liberation Is Having The Audacity To Ask, "Why The Hell Not?"

Lesson #6: You Are Not Your Body

2011-04-20T14:21:00.003-04:00

Like most others, I have been taught my value comes from my body. I have been conditioned to focus primarily on what the body looks like, how it is feeling, how it is functioning, what it is doing, and what it can't do. In this view, other aspects of who I am, such as what is in my heart, my mind, my spirit, come far second. At age forty I am finally starting to see how this way of thinking is destructive, painful, and only creates suffering.

When we focus on the body we are basically looking at two ephemeral qualities: body image and health. I'm going to break these down here:

Image:
Everyone, at least in the United States, has been told that their value and worth stem from their physical appearance. Even if you grew up in an area that didn't drill this belief into you day and night, you would no doubt have gotten it from any kind of entertainment, media, culture. There is an assumed and generally unspoken "truth" that being thin and looking young is equivalent to deserving happiness and strength. There are billions and billions of dollars invested in literally brainwashing you into believing this is true. You are told what to think, you accept it, and then you condemn others who don't or can't follow the mandate. It is a complex circle of shame and humiliation that ultimately ends up in nearly everyone feeling anxious about their physical appearance.

I grew up hating my body. I hated how skinny and pale I was, I hated me in this body. Growing up in Los Angeles and coming out as gay in West Hollywood only further reinforced the distortion that my value as a person was correlated with my physical appearance. I believed I was physically ugly, and therefore thought I was ugly as well.

I started unlearning this programming in my Psychology college courses, which fortunately focused on how social entities create and shape mental illness. That was when I learned that there were industries founded in making a profit from trying to make me, and billions of other, feel bad, guilty, and unworthy. That is when I came to realize that the only "enemy" to loving my body were my own beliefs that I had to physically appear a certain way to be deserving of love and respect. I started learning that the fundamental qualities that make me Damon are not based on physical attributes. They are based in what I think, how I act toward others, and how I can make this crazy world a better place than how I found it.

I will not always have the body I have today. But when I balance my self-care to include activities that nurture my mind, my spirit, and my body, then I feel much closer to feeling peace and positivity about all aspects of who I am, and who I am becoming.

Health:
Using the same idea above, I have been conditioned to believe that my value comes from living inside of a healthy body. Throughout my forty years, whenever I have had a cold, an illness, an ache or pain, or fatigue, I have used my thoughts to create suffering by thinking, "I am in pain, I am slowed down, I can't function."

Back in 2004 I took a wonderful Spanish class, during which time I learned that the Spanish language never refers to the body in the first person, it is always in the third person. The correct way of saying "my back hurts" is to say, "Me duele la espalda," which literally means, "my back hurts me." The Spanish language depersonalizes illness and pain to emphasize that the body hurts, not the person inside the body.

That reminded me of the ideas celebrated in the musical Rent. We are only renting these vehicles we call "bodies" while we are here. And just like renting a car, sometimes you get a rental that runs well, and sometimes you get a clunker. When my car breaks down in the middle of the road I don't take it personally. So why would I take it personally when my body gets sick?

I am nowhere near where I want to be with Lesson #6. My brainwashing from the world still leads me to be concerned with body image. My automatic thoughts are still horribly judgmental when I get sick. The difference now is that I no longer believe these thoughts when I think them. I may still automatically think, "uh oh another wrinkle" when I look in the mirror, but I catch myself and realize that I am only internalizing a harmful message learned long ago when I wasn't realizing it, and that I get to choose what I think and feel now.

This is the liberation of getting older. At any age you can question and challenge any belief system that holds you back and leads you to suffer. It may seem very hard to do at first, and it is! But just like any muscle in that rental of yours, the more your work it, the more you will be able to do it. The more you practice the easier it gets, especially when you get help and support from others.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410*

Lesson #7: There Is Power And Serenity In Saying "No".

2011-04-19T12:29:00.005-04:00

Interviewing daytime soap actors and actresses has become one of the greatest joys in my life. Not only do I get to meet people I have looked up to and admired for decades, but often times I learn tools and techniques for managing my own problems. The interview I did with Patricia Pease in June, 2009, was one of these occasions.

Patricia had played tortured Kimberly Brady on Days Of Our Lives for most of 1984-1992. However during one of her "breaks" from the show, Patricia had actually been fired for refusing to act out a story in which the real-life pregnant actress would have played her character giving birth to a stillborn baby. In my mind, making such a decision would have been fraught with fury and stress. But Patricia instead clarified for me the power of saying, "no."

When you are really settled, and coming from a place of love...it isn’t a demand, it isn’t a loud “no”, it isn’t a dig-you-heels-in-the-ground kind of “no.” It is very quiet. And it is very simple. I had come to a point where there weren’t a whole lot of things I was sure about, but the one thing I knew 100% in my heart was that I loved being a mother. I never knew such love my entire life. And I wasn’t about to jeopardize it. So it was really easy at that point to say, “No, thank you.”

Previous to this interview, I always thought that saying "no" meant that I had to have an adverse reaction, and build "evidence" for my "case." I believed that "no" could only be expressed in anger and frustration when things got really bad. I realized here that saying "no" could be a very loving peaceful and protective statement to make.

Soon after this interview, I experienced an unjust decision against me in a work setting. I had needed a day off to fly out to the Daytime Emmy's in California, and was told "no" because two other clinicians had already been approved off for that day. This was my third summer at this setting, and frequently had covered when three other clinicians were absent. Yet I was the only one who was denied time off.

My instinct was to quit on the spot. After years of service I believed I deserved better. I was outraged, offended, hurt, and believed I had been singled out. I had a good mind to rush right in and give an ultimatum: I want the day off or I walk. Instead, I remembered that making important life decisions in a heightened emotional state is never a good idea, and decided to take 72 hours to decide what to do.

I took time to sit in quiet and contemplate what I truly wanted out of life. Patricia's words suddenly came to me, "It isn’t a demand, it isn’t a loud 'no', it isn’t a dig-you-heels-in-the-ground kind of 'no.' It is very quiet. And it is very simple." I came to the understanding that saying "no" to this job and their inequities was the most loving and respectful thing I could do for myself, and for the people I worked with. I understood that I had the choice to walk away from an unjust situation with compassion for everyone involved. I didn't have to go to "court," I didn't have to build my "case," I could simply and proactively choose an action that was inherently right for me. I quit with integrity and honor for everyone involved.

So often in life, we feel we must be get pushed to extremes in order to set limits or say goodbye. Most of us have been taught only to make changes when we have to be reactive instead of proactive. This is especially true when it comes to declining invitations for family gatherings or social parties. I know many people who torture themselves for wanting to say "no" to large events that they instinctively know are unhealthy to attend. They go against that internal voice, and then use alcohol or drugs to "get through it." When in fact, saying "no" would have been the most decent things they can do to respect themselves and others. It doesn't have to be angry or resentful, just quiet and calm.

It is true that many people, especially in this economy, are in no position to quit gainful employment, even when they are being disrespected or abused. Even in these circumstances however, you still can say "no" within yourself to being treated poorly. You can remind yourself that you are a human being who deserves honor and respect. If you are being harassed you can start documenting the person, time, place, and exact dialogue that was used to harass you. There are many ways you can peacefully express "no" to infringements against your dignity without quitting.

Knowing this lesson contributes a lot toward my experience of peace as I get older. I realize I am not here to make others happy, and that I couldn't even I wanted to (per Lesson #10). I am not here to be anyone's crucifier, I am not here to be anyone's savior. I have the right to say "no" to unacceptable treatment, or when it simply feels right, and so do you. When I set appropriate boundaries, I give others permission to do the same. Are there areas of your life where saying "no" could bring you more serenity?

EPILOGUE: While writing this piece I was discussing HIV Vaccine Trials with a major club promoter in New York City. While he says that advancing HIV prevention research is important to him, he unequivocally said "no" to allowing me to distribute any information about preventing HIV at an upcoming event. His "no" was very clear and calm, and made me realize that following Lesson #7 means I have to be willing to be a graceful recipient of hearing "no" as much as I'm willing to say it. Respect is a two-way street, and this conversation reminded me that if I want people to follow this lesson, then I have to honor other people's "no" when I hear it. Thank goodness life still offers me plenty of opportunities to practice and relearn these lessons all the time!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Lesson #8: What Is Real Cannot Be Threatened

2011-04-18T11:29:00.002-04:00

This lesson has helped me to eliminate a tremendous amount of fear. What is real cannot be threatened. What is true is never in jeopardy. Every living thing is temporary, yet the impact of those living things does not end.

As human beings we affect each other all the time. For example, let's say you are feeling cranky and having a nothing-is-going-right day. You walk on the subway and suddenly you are in the company of a child who is laughing and smiling with her mother. Soon enough, you can't help but feel like laughing and smiling too. Then the child and her mother get off the train. That affect doesn't go away just because the child does. The impact that laughter had on your nervous system, on your blood vessels, on your digestive track, and on the chemistry in your brain doesn't cease to exist just because the child walked away. You had a very real experience, and you continue to be impacted by that experience even when the person is no longer physically present.

That is because what is real cannot be threatened. When my life has been enhanced by someone, that doesn't end just because their body dies. Our authentic connection remains strong and vital even when their physical body is absent. Many of the 40 Lessons of 40 have been shaped by people I've had genuine connections with, who are physically dead. For example:

-Chris Bender (died 2011) was instrumental in teaching me patience (Lesson #24), compassion (Lesson #35), and that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional (Lesson #11).
-Jhan Dean Egg (died 1998) demonstrated the courage and rewards of stubbornly being your own person, and how not compromising to social norms had its benefits and costs (Lesson #16)
-Ntombi Howell (died 2003) was fundamental in helping me understand that an angry activist on a soapbox helps no one (Lesson #12). She told me, "A liberal helps "them", an ally helps "us."
-My grandfather Benjamin Jacobs (died 1997) told me, "There Are No Small Jobs, Just Small People." (Lesson #27)
-Ruth Van Horn (died 2007) was the first person I ever told I wanted to write a book about "shoulds." She responded by saying, "Oh! The world needs that!" That conversation ultimately led to the writing of Absolutely Should-less.

I no longer have these individuals in my world, but our connection lives on. Our relationship cannot be severed by death or separation. What is real cannot be threatened, and knowing this through experience has provided me great comfort, and reduced suffering.

The same principle applies when a relationship comes to an end with someone who is alive. There may be valid and healthy reasons why two people choose to terminate a marriage or a partnership. Nevertheless, if there was anything authentic to begin with, it cannot be dismantled by a divorce or a separation.

This is also why I take the somewhat controversial stance that a third person cannot "come between" two people in a relationship. What is real is not subjected to influence and manipulations of others. If a dyad is in jeopardy then a third person could certainly take advantage of that. But what is truly there cannot be swayed.

In this past week, millions of people were devastated by the cancellation of two long-running ABC soaps, ONE LIFE TO LIVE, and ALL MY CHILDREN. For many viewers these shows are more than just escapist fair. Viewers have a real and meaningful attachment to the consistent, comforting, and reliable friends portrayed in these dramas. Erica Kane and Viki Lord have been coming into people's living rooms five times a week for over 40 years. Their presence provides reassurance, stability, and comfort in an ever changing world. The loss is quite devastating and traumatic for many.

But even in this scenario, what is real cannot be threatened. ABC can terminate the shows, but they can't cancel your memories and joy of the characters. They can't take away the experience you had watching these shows when you were sick, when you were depressed, when you were lonely, when you lost someone you love, when you were nursing your first child. They have no ability to destroy how these programs enhanced your life unless you let them.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. The pain I feel when someone or something I love goes away is real. The suffering about that grief is optional. If I perceive a loss as a permanent severance of joy, fun, and laughter, then I will indeed suffer. If I perceive a death as a change in a relationship, and an opportunity to internalize and express all the wonderful things about that person or thing, then I will still have pain, but suffering will be lessened. Knowing this lesson helps me to feel joyful and excited about getting older, even knowing that the more I live and love, the more I will lose.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Lesson #9: Change Is Good

2011-04-17T14:33:00.004-04:00

One of the hardest things to handle at any age is change, especially when it is determined by other people. It can appear that something you value is being threatened or taken away from you when change occurs. Yet forty years of living on this planet has now offered me an overwhelming pile of evidence that demonstrates change is good.

Notice I didn't say that change always feels good. More often than not, changes are accompanied with a period of discomfort, anxiety, restlessness, and often grief for something that has been lost. Yet there is no way I would be in Brooklyn, New York, working as a psychotherapist, typing out these lessons on a thing called a "blog" on a system called the "Internet" using networks called "Twitter" or "FaceBook" if it wasn't for millions and millions of changes.

I spent a fair amount of time when I was younger fighting and resisting change. Growing up living in the same house and going to school with the same students from Kindergarten through high school afforded me the luxury of not having to adjust to very many significant alterations. Even in my twenties, as I moved to San Francisco, I still tried to prevent and avoid drastic changes. I always approached an alteration in my life with the automatic thought, "Uh oh, this is not going to be good."

Trying to avoid change in personal relationships has cost me plenty. As mentioned in Lesson #20, I used to have a tendency to try hold on to someone even when I knew it was not healthy for either one of us. By not facing inevitable endings, I participated in a toxic process that made both of our lives more complicated and painful.

By my mid 30s I took inventory of my life and realized that things had turned out well. I was living in Palm Springs, making a great living doing work I loved, and had supportive loving family and friends near. Yet I also noticed that everything good in my life was a result of a change that I had originally resisted. Leaving San Francisco, changing jobs, losing certain relationships, and not getting specific professional opportunities, had resulted in circumstances turning out far better than I had planned.

It was then I realized that change itself is not "bad," and it is not "wrong." It might be painful at times, it might be inconvenient, and it definitely can be scary. But at the same time, every change presents itself with an opportunity and a challenge. The trick of being "young" at any chronological age is to embrace and accept changes, and conversely, it is a sign of aging to fight and resist them. My forty years have shown me that I will have a much easier and happier time if I dance with impending change instead of trying to step on its toes.

**To read an excellent book about embracing life changes at ANY age, please check out Tina Sloan's best-seller "Changing Shoes." You will never see aging or changing the same way again!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Lesson #10: You Are 100% Responsible For How You Feel

2011-04-16T15:46:00.004-04:00

Most of us have been taught that if we are feeling bad, sad, or just generally irritable, that it has to be someone or something else's fault. We have all been conditioned to blame others including a family member, a spouse, congress, or the weather for our mood. This belief has been reinforced in politics, entertainment, pop music, and even by psychotherapists who ask, "How did that make you feel?" The truth is no one makes any of us suffer. Ask yourself if you have said any of these past week:

_________________ makes me upset
_________________ hurt my feelings
_________________ is stressing me out!

Now take a look at what is inherent in these words: Blame and power are assigned to people and institutions outside of yourself. If I allow a family member's behavior to determine how I feel then I'm going to be pretty stressed out. You may not have had any control over the circumstances, but the feelings and the meaning you assign to each event are completely in your control, and are your responsibility if you want to empower yourself and enjoy living. This is not the same thing as saying it is acceptable for someone to aggressively and intentionally harm another person. I am simply saying that we get to determine our emotional destiny and how we react to harm if we step up to the task.

When I was younger, I did believe it was other people's fault if I felt bad. I blamed my brother, teachers, students, the President, bad soap writers, right-wing homophobes, partners, bosses, coworkers, and even friends if I wasn't happy. Traditional models of psychotherapy I learned about in school supported this notion that one must search for blame when coping with depression and disturbance.

In my early 30s I came to realize that this was a stale and powerless stance. I read Victor Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning, which described how a concentration camp survivor could take responsibility for finding meaning even in the most painful of circumstances. I studied how Tina Turner and Nelson Mandela survived extremely abusive and oppressive circumstances only to recognize how true liberation takes place in the mind first, situation second. In recent years I learned about the work of Eva Kor, who also is a concentration camp survivor, and speaks out on the power of forgiveness. If they can be responsible for their emotional health, then maybe I'm responsible when I get annoyed with someone at the gym.

So what does taking responsibility for my feelings look like? It means:
- I remind myself constantly of Dr. Albert Ellis's fundamental principle: People are not upset by other people's behavior, they are upset by what they tell themselves about other people's behavior.
- I make a list when I first wake-up of at least five things I am grateful for.
- I stop using language and conversation to blame others for how I am feeling.
- I protect myself from being verbally abused in my daily life.
- I do not engage in social media with individuals who are trying to harm me.
- In any given situation I decide how I want to feel before I go into the situation, and then stick to it!
- I do not expose myself to the media's bullying and fear mongering in the forms of Fox News, CNN, The Today Show, or any other source whose intention is to scare and upset me.
- I continue to read books and blogs written by people who have survived adversity and have something to teach me about surviving in this world.
- I journal write every day to take a stock of my thoughts, my feelings, and see where I need to do some work (and there is always work to be done inside my head).

Staying sane an insane world is a 24/7 job. No one is responsible for my health except for me. I am not perfectly consistent with any of the tips above. But knowing that I am responsible for my wellness offers options and opportunities for how I want to feel about turning forty. I have decided I want to use this turning of numbers to feel strong, healthy, and proud. Either way, I get to choose, and so do you.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Fabulous At Forty: How To Embrace Life And Feel Good At ANY Age Workshop

2011-04-15T22:30:00.002-04:00

Please come celebrate my birthday with me at this special meeting!

WHAT: A workshop designed to promote empowerment and fun around getting older, and learning to embrace life at ANY age.
WHEN: April 25th, 2011, at 8pm
WHERE: New York City, 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410
COST: Free, with donations accepted

Aging. We are all going to do it no matter who we are, where we live, or what we believe. Yet I have found there is much intense fear and shame around the most human thing we can possibly do. I will be presenting aspects of the 40 Lessons I've learned to help people of any age realize that the getting older can bring empowerment, fun, and freedom, if they learn how to apply certain tools.

I have been counting down the 40 lessons on this blog that have helped me to live, to love, to laugh, and to cope with loss. These are lessons that make my life easier and more peaceful now, and lessons that would have made my life a lot easier and more peaceful when I was in my twenties. The #1 Lesson that saved my life will be shared at this workshop, so please come by and share this special day with me.

Questions? Write me at Shouldless@gmail.com or call 347-227-7707. See you there!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #11: Pain Is Inevitable, Suffering Is Optional

2011-04-15T11:35:00.001-04:00

Yesterday the soap community, and even the mainstream press, were shocked by the tragic news that two staple daytime dramas were canceled. Both ONE LIFE TO LIVE and ALL MY CHILDREN have carried great meaning to generations of viewers, having been on the air for 42 years and 41 years, respectively. The devastation of losing an entertainment program can be tantamount to losing a beloved relative, a friend, a companion, a reliable comfort. But no matter who or what we lose in our lives, one thing is for certain: pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

What does this mean? "Pain" is the automatic involuntary feeling you get when something hurtful happens. If you hit me in the arm, if you say something cruel to me, when someone I love dies, or if ABC put dozens of my friends out of work, I will feel pain. Pain is a normative and unavoidable part of living in this world if you intend to love and attach to others. It is a testament to your connection that you feel pain when something ends. This is not, in my opinion, a "bad" or "unhealthy" thing.

But "suffering" is optional. Suffering is defined as what we tell ourselves about the pain. If I respond to hurt by saying, "I'm a victim," or "This means I can never love again," or "this shouldn't be happening," or "I've wasted my time watching this canceled show," then you will indeed experience suffering in the forms of depression, anger, anxiety, hopelessness, despair. It is unlikely that you will allow yourself to live life to the fullest and have pleasurable and new experiences if you hold on to these beliefs.

Pain is usually out of your control. Choosing not to suffer is your responsibility. If you decide you want to blame people, presidents, or popes for your emotional state, that is indeed an option. It may cost you your physical and emotional health, but hey, at least you'll have a villain for your storyline.

Or you could pursue the easier path of changing your thinking in order to decrease suffering. How does one do this? The final ten lessons of the 40 Lessons of 40 starting tomorrow are the primary tools I use to change my suffering so I can continue to live with serenity, even when I am in incredible emotional pain. They enable me to continue to take risks and care about others despite having experienced loss. And yes, they will help you to care about the soaps, even knowing their existence is temporary. Please join me for these exciting lessons these next ten days.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come by for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Lesson #12: No One Opens Their Mind Or Heart When They Feel Shamed Or Judged

2011-04-14T14:46:00.004-04:00

Truth is, in my twenties I was referred to as a "hothead" on more than one occasion. I had a tendency to inappropriately express righteous indignation and outrage about social injustice in classrooms and internship settings. I used liberal left-wing rhetoric as a vehicle for expressing the anger that I had buried throughout my childhood. I could easily present "evidence" as why the object of my attack was a hypocritical homophobic racist sexist bigot. However, in retrospect I can see I accomplished nothing except to make my opponent's argument stronger, and to demonstrate that I was the one who was being close minded and rigid.

This is because no one opens their minds or hearts when they feel shamed or judged. In a debate, in a protest, in a meeting, or in a classroom, condemning another person only puts them on the defense, and thereby strengthens their resistance against you. You sabotage your own position when you try to use embarrassment or humiliation to get another person to change. It only results in them fighting back harder, and deepening their original stance. That's all well and good if your intent is to make enemies and create opposition. But if you have an investment in helping others and trying to make the world a better place than how you found it, then remembering this lesson may go a long way to help.

I was on the receiving end of this in the mid 90s while living with a friend in San Francisco. We had worked together at The Patio Cafe and created a very strong bond, so we decided it would be fun to live together. Once we moved in, the friendship completely fell apart, as I found that basic activities such as being considerate and respectful of privacy were not part of his recipe of the ideal homelife. When I opposed constant noise and disruptions, he angrily called me "selfish." He knew that I thought "selfish" was the worst description for any good little liberal, and the shame I experienced hearing that from someone close to me burned deeply. However, I quickly turned it around and said to myself, "Fine, if he thinks I'm selfish then I'm going to be the most selfish son-of-a-bitch he's ever known." I cut off all communication with him, became more intolerant of his insolence, completely ignored his wants and needs, and the friendship was dead after that. His shaming only made me increase the behavior he was intolerant of, and vice-versa.

I think of that situation today as democrats and republicans go head-to-head in heated budget negotiations. How much name calling is going on? How much attack? How much harder is everyone making this painful process by blaming and shaming each other? How much easier could it be if everyone learned techniques for effective communication and conflict resolution?

Motivational Interviewing (MI) is a wonderful technique that I use in personal and professional settings to cut through resistance and find solutions that are satisfactory. It fundamentally lies in respecting the person sitting across from you and finding commonalities in order to collaboratively work on skill building and compassionately resolving conflicts. It entails letting go of the illusion that there is any "right" way that things "should" be done, and instead reframes the situation as, "how do we do get through this together?" I have found that demonstrating authentic respect and dignity for other people, even those whose values are different from mine, goes a long way toward impacting positive and effective change.

I admit that using tools like MI involve more patience and minfulness. When you set forward to change the world with integrity instead of being a "hothead", you may not get as much attention, nor the adrenaline high. But in my forty years I have learned that I am a lot more effective as an activist and as a healer when I withdraw my mental bow and arrow.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #13: Showing Up Is 50%

2011-04-13T14:16:00.001-04:00

I have occasionally been asked how I have been able do it? The book, the license, the soap interviews, how did I get here? My answer is short and clear: I showed up.

The simple importance of showing up in our lives cannot be overstated. There is no substitute for being physically present at an event, a meeting, an appointment. It is usually the person who shows up consistently who is rewarded with promotions, contracts, and new opportunities. I can't think of one person who has achieved a modicum of success in their lives who has not attested to value of showing up. Wasn't it Madonna who showed up at the hospital bedside of the President of Sire Records, as he was recovering from heart surgery, in order to get her first record contract signed?

In my own life, showing up has served me well. I met David Hancock, the incredibly smart and generous CEO of Morgan-James Publishing by showing up to a workshop where he spoke about entrepreneurial publishing. I talked to him afterward about my idea for "Absolutely Should-less," and he was willing to accept a proposal. I don't believe my book would have been published if not for that physical meeting.

How did I get to do all these interviews with soap stars? I showed up. First I showed up to a concert given by the vastly talented and underrated Ilene Kristen in New York City. At that show I met Roger Newcomb for the first time, and Ilene herself, who gave me my first interview. Following that I kept showing up for events that Roger would show up for as well, and we bonded over fond memories of watching soaps as kids, love for certain actors/actresses, and intense debates about supercouples on Another World. So when he was looking to expand We Love Soaps into a multi-purpose website that would include video, commentaries, interviews, and psychological perspectives, he asked me to join him, in part, because I showed up.

Roger and I have done a lot of showing up over the past two years, and have had a blast covering the Emmy Awards, theater openings, book signings, HIV/AIDS fundraisers, as well as producing several of our own award ceremonies and special fan events. We have worked hard to gain the trust and respect of the actors/actresses that we so admired growing up. And how were we able to do it? All together now: we showed up. Over and over, we showed up with honesty, integrity, and authentic respect.

Many times people have responded to this lesson by saying, "But I don't feel like it." That stance will not help get what you want. I have seen very bright and very loving individuals lose out on amazing opportunities because they don't show up when they don't feel like it. But how often do you feel like brushing your teeth? How often do you feel like waking up in the morning? How often do you feel like taking the garbage out, cleaning the toilet, running to the grocery store? All of us have lives made up of performing a great amount of tasks we didn't feel like doing. It is important to show up even at the moments you just don't feel mentally and emotionally well.

I'm not saying that you have to be like a drill sergeant. I do believe in the value of taking time out if you are truly ill, contagious, or too overwhelmed with grief of sadness to be mentally present. But as a way of life, or as a pattern, calling out sick will not lend itself to enabling people to trust you with important tasks. If you are having trouble showing up in your own life, then please ask for help. Helping people show up physically and mentally in their every day lives is one of the specialties in my private practice, and many therapists and coaches are quite skilled in this area.

There is nothing valuable in my life at this moment that wouldn't be here if I didn't show up. I wouldn't have a therapy practice, a career, a book, and lots of joy, if I didn't show up. Knowing this fundamental and basic lesson helps me to feel more empowered and excited about the opportunities that lie ahead as I grow older.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please SHOW UP for Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Lesson #14: You Only Dislike Things In Others That You Dislike In Yourself

2011-04-12T13:14:00.005-04:00

One of the most liberating lessons I have ever learned is recognizing that I can only dislike characteristics in others that I do not like in myself. Their personality traits are not the "problem," it is my personality traits are the problem.

This became obvious to me in my early 30s. By that point I had had about a half dozen internships/job placements, and yet found myself getting annoyed with the same type of people in every job. The slacker, the worrier, the pessimist, the obsessive-compulsive overachiever, the whiner, I kept meeting these people over and over in every position. I had to face facts and admit I was going to be irritated with certain traits regardless of where I worked. I had to realize, "No matter where you go there you are. You move towns, you move jobs, yet you keep running into the same annoying reflections of yourself everywhere. Maybe the problem is YOU."

The only way that was ever going to stop was to take a different stance. Instead of judging and condemning my reflection in others, I decided to work on accepting them. For instance, I worked with a therapist in California who left early every Friday to go play golf, and expected the secretaries to file his notes from the week. It was easy for me to dismiss him as lazy and burnt out. But I had to be brutally honest and admit that I too had had jobs where I did the minimal amount of work expected, cut corners, and made other people pick up the slack. At that same clinic I had a colleague who ran around seeing conflict in every situation, and always predicted the worst case scenario. I took a long hard look at myself and remembered that I had spent a great deal of my life being a drama queen, predicting catastrophic outcomes left and right. I still don't love these aspect of my personality, but I must be truthful about them if I wish to stop getting annoyed by others who do the same thing.

Today I see the same dynamic with the epidemic of bullying, especially when it comes to verbal and emotional violence against gay youth. There is simply no way someone can be threatened by a gay person unless they are gay themselves. Someone who is truly heterosexual has no cause to be scared, nervous, or unsettled by the existence of someone who is homosexual (or perceived as homosexual). This point was beautifully illustrated on an episode of Glee last year, when a bully who terrorized an openly gay student turned and desperately kissed him. It showed that those who express hate toward gays only do so because of the fear of their own homosexuality.

This lesson has completely set me free as I grow older. It has taught me to understand that when someone doesn't like me, it is not because of me, but the part of themselves they recognize in me. I am fully aware that I am completely annoying to co-workers who choose to be depressed. I am that unrelenting half-full cup guy, and that has irked many who want to see themselves as victims in a such a "cruel harsh world." This does not mean I have to change or alter who I am, and neither do they! They are simply pointing fingers at the uncomfortable reflections of themselves, it is no more personal than when I was judging the slacker golf player

We can all be the change we want to see by taking a little more responsibility. If you say you want live in a world without bullying then stop condemning others. If you say you want to live in a world without war, then stop practicing attack with your coworkers. Challenge yourself to stand up and face the parts of yourself that you see reflected in others. If everyone did this the world truly would change.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come to Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Lesson #15: The World Is Not Ending

2011-04-11T13:24:00.001-04:00

One of my earliest memories was watching the NBC news in Los Angeles and seeing anchorwoman Kelly Lange tell me that Southern California was going to suffer a massive earthquake at some point during the 1970s that would cause massive death and destruction. The earthquake never happened. I lost a lot of sleep.

In the 1980s, an overzealous and excitable relative of mine sat me down and told me how President Reagan and the Russians were building nuclear arms that would be sure to result in massive death and destruction. The war never happened. I lost a lot of sleep.

Throughout the late 1990s the media focused on the Y2K frenzy. It prophesied that the changing of numbers in the the Christian calendar would result in financial and nuclear calamities all across the globe resulting in, you guessed it, massive death and destructive. The meltdown never happened. I lost some sleep, but not a lot.

After September 11, 2001, the U.S. government had us believing that terrorists in Iraq were actively building nuclear arms with the intention of destroying more American lives. They used charts and graphs and red alerts to create widespread panic that massive death and destructive would be a regular way of American life. I didn't lose much sleep.

I have been told everyday of my forty years on this planet that massive calamity is going to kill me and everyone I know, and frankly, I'm over it. I am tired of losing energy and sleep to a piece of fiction that is intended to hurt and scare me. The media, the government, the weather reports, my crazy relatives, have all lost credibility with me in the tragedy department. I am completely absolved of buying into their hysteria and fear.

So now, when I get a load of the latest catastrophic craze called "2012," all I can do is snicker. The question, "What's the point?" is completely rhetorical, because the goal of predicting mass death and destruction is so transparently ugly. Scare the masses, and they will be easily controlled. They will vote with fear, they will pray with fear, they will spend money with fear, they will raise children with fear, and then their bodies will need medicines to deal with the consequences of the fear. Period.

The "news" has never served any purpose except to instruct me how terrible things could get. My "news" is very different. I live in a city where I see acts of kindness, grace, and resilience every day. I witness people on the subway giving up seats for one another, helping each other with directions. Two days ago a woman came after me in a subway station after I dropped one of my gloves. This is a far cry from the New York City the media wants you to know about.

At my last job in an outpatient drug clinic, I witnessed my own "news" every day. I saw mothers give up drugs in order to raise their children. I saw men learn to use words to express anger instead of their fists. I saw two dozen adults vote for the first time in the 2008 Presidential Elections. And I saw people making conscientious choices every day to give up harmful addictive behavioral patterns in favor of more serene and gratifying ways of living. This is the "news" that I know, and the "news" you will never see on CNN.

The world is not ending. Not today, not tomorrow, not in 2012. Will bad things happen? Inevitably. But forty years has taught me that I have no ability to predict or control the events that hurt me the most, and I'm pretty good at handling the sad things that do happen. If I'm wrong and get blown up tomorrow, then at least I'll die well rested with low blood pressure. What do you think?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come to Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Lesson #16: Life Is Better As An Outsider

2011-04-10T15:34:00.010-04:00

My third grade teacher assigned her students the task of decorating a paper turkey at Thanksgiving so she could display them on the wall. As other kids used crayons to color their turkey the standard brown and white colors, I remember demanding marking pens, so I could celebrate my turkey in bright purples and blues. Fortunately she appreciated a frustrated eight-year-old diva, gave me some pens, and remarked, "You really have to do things in your own special way, don't you?"

The truth is, I have never fit in with the crowd. As a boy I would have much rather watched soap operas than play sports. As a teen I would have much rather gone off to see Rocky Horror or scrubbed toilets at Denny's than have anything to do with a high school function. I am still not sure if my tendency to do things my own way was something complete innate, or a defense against knowing I was gay and couldn't fit in.

Nevertheless I thought all that would change when I went to college at the University of California, Santa Cruz. I perceived the campus as a utopia where I could be out as gay, expressive, and finally belong to a community. Not so much. I entered in the Fall of 1989 to find that the gay community was an established clique who were shut down, unkind to strangers, and had very poor communication skills. Once again, my status as an outsider was maintained.

However, this time I learned a different way of navigating the role of odd man out. My very good friend Michael Santos was also dissatisfied and frustrated by the lack of support and community of the UCSC campus. He suggested that instead of complaining about it that we change things by starting our own group. It was through his guidance and organization that I learned how to come up with a mission statement, a budget proposal, and a plan of action. Soon enough, Michael and I were producing campus events for the "Porter Lavender Network" that were not only welcoming, social, and empowering, but were also drawing larger numbers than the other organizations. In other words, I learned that I could make doing things my own way a creative strength, not a deficiency.

Today I look at my life and see I still don't belong to a group. I am not exactly your typical Marriage Family Therapist in New York City, as most of them opt to not to be so public about their age and embarrassing childhood stories. I am not your typical soap journalist, I am not your typical HIV Vaccine recruiter. I don't fit it with the "mainstream" gay sector, and I don't exactly fit in with the artistic alternative groups either. I have fondness and respect for all of these communities, but don't see myself belonging any more now than I did when I was coloring my purple turkeys in third grade.

What is different now is the meaning I place on it. When I was young I told myself that not fitting in was a limit. At forty I can see how coloring outside the lines has given me more creative freedom and vision than I ever would have had otherwise. It is because I don't fit in that I was inspired to move to New York, to write "Absolutely Should-less", and to create this 40 Lessons of 40 series. It is because I already don't "belong" that I am not as vulnerable to ageism in the straight and gay communities. I have no pressures to conform or change who I am to become a member of anything, and that is the gift of being the outsider.

EPILOGUE: While putting together this Lesson, I ran the ideas above by a very wise 22-year-old friend of mine. He listened and responded, "But don't you ever get lonely?" The truth is, there have been times I felt very alone with my proverbial purple turkeys. The only time I have felt "lonely" is when I have tried to change something about me to fit in with other people's standards. If I have compromised who I am, or acted against my values, then those are the times I have been most lost and alone (regardless of how many people are around me). I have found that overall, when I live my life with integrity, and take action from a place of truth, that most people gravitate toward that. As I get older I feel more connected to humanity overall, as opposed to specific subgroups, and that also negates a sense of being alone that I might have felt otherwise.

Where do you see yourself fitting in and not fitting in? What strengths and limitations do you perceive as an "outsider?"

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

**If you are in the New York City area, please come to Damon's "Fabulous at Forty" workshop on Monday, April 25th, at 8pm, at 208 W. 13th Street, Room 410**

Lesson #17: To A Hammer The World Is Filled With Nails

2011-04-09T14:21:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite jobs early in my career was working at a county mental health crisis/assessment center in Southern California. Individuals coping with psychiatric issues could come in, have their risk factors assessed, and often see a psychiatrist if needed. It amazed me how the same patient, presenting with the same exact symptoms, could see two doctors in the same day, and get two completely different diagnoses. When I asked about this, a wise co-worker said to me, "Well you know Damon, to a hammer the world is filled with nails."

It took me years to understand what the heck that meant. But as I continued to work in more clinical settings with more therapists and doctors, I noticed that they would diagnose disorders based on their perception of what they problem was. Because mental health is an inexact science, and because the descriptive criteria in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM) is so general and unreliable, it leaves room for a clinician to impose their own set of predetermined perceptions and projections of what the "problem" is. If I have experience and expertise in Depression, then I will see a client more often than not suffering with Major Depression. If I went to a great workshop all about Aspergers, then I will see my clients as experiencing symptoms of Aspergers. If I love the new best seller all about Attention Deficit Disorder, then I will see those symptoms consistently in my clients. Hence, a hammer will see a world filled with nails, since that is a hammer's function, and a hammer would cease to have meaning without nails.

The search for fault in others goes far beyond the confines of the psychiatric community. As a culture, Americans are consistently looking for ways to see problems and lacking in the people and situations around us. And why wouldn't we? Consumerism is fundamentally based in seeing something "wrong" in ourselves and others so that we will buy things to feel "right." There is a valid experience of insecurity and fear that drives people to automatically criticize and condemn others (you could go to Facebook and Twitter and see the evidence right now). If you're living your life as a hammer, your search for nails will be never ending.

I have used this metaphor to challenge myself in my personal and professional relationships. In what ways do I automatically search for fault? How have I expressed my judgments and disapproval of others? How do I think I'm benefiting when I perceive lacking in a situation? And do I ever justify my professional value by seeing others as "nails"?

I have learned in my forty years that acting as a hammer in this world brings me nothing but frustration, anger, and self-loathing. I have no power to change others' behavior, and even if I did, changing others won't alter what I don't like in myself. What I can do is focus on improving my own life, and use my personal and professional practice to demonstrate how much happier life can be when we release our heavy hammers. How about you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #18: The Show Must Go On

2011-04-08T13:08:00.001-04:00

On January 18, 1993, during my senior year of college, I was afflicted with a devastating and unusual strain of spinal meningitis. I was unconscious when my poor parents and friends were informed I wasn't going to live. Ultimately I was able to persevere and fight the illness thanks to an antibiotic called Rocephin, and my sheer Taurus stubborn will to survive.

The recovery afterward was lengthy and daunting. I literally had to practice walking again, taking one step in front of the other. My school gently suggested I take the quarter off to heal. I not-so-gently suggested they piss off, though I was willing to drop to part-time status, and take some time out to get my body and mind back into working order.

This was not long after the death of pop singer Freddie Mercury. The song he recorded with Queen, "The Show Must Go On," had been playing a lot as a single. The message in the music fed my strength and courage to keep going forward, one step in front of the other, to pass my classes, and reclaim my life. I learned from this experience that: (1) Life is very precious. (2) I am lucky to still be here and grow older. (3) Being stubborn can be a strength, and (4) "The Show Must Go On" is a damn good song.

Two months ago I was shocked when one of my best friends died very suddenly from AIDS. I have been working through this loss the same way I have dealt with every tragedy these past eighteen years. I take a time-out, assess the damage, figure out a plan, and take one step in front of the other with "The Show Must Go On" playing in my head. I remember that things have to get done, patients need to be seen, the world isn't going to stop turning because Damon isn't feeling well.

One of the things that greatly assists me in this process is learning from others who have confronted similar challenges. Last Fall I had the opportunity to interview Colleen Zenk, a kindred spirit in "The Show Must Go On" department. Despite coping with the aftermath of oral cancer treatments, losing her 32-year-old job as Barbara Ryan on AS THE WORLD TURNS, and a series of personal losses, she is taking her act to a new stage (literally and figuratively). Tonight, her one woman show, "Colleen Zenk: LIVE!" debuts in New Hope, PA, and with any luck will soon be coming to a town near you. If ever there was a human who understood the meaning of "The Show Must Go On," it is the Divine Ms. Zenk.

This lesson is intended to remind everyone that despite the hardships and challenges we face, we can deal with them by telling ourselves that the show must go on. Just take one step in front of the other and ask for help when you need it. Getting older has afforded me the luxury of trusting this lesson and finding serenity in the knowledge that this stubborn Taurus is going to persevere no matter what.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #19: There Is No Need To Fear Feelings

2011-04-07T14:59:00.004-04:00

We spend so much time in this culture trying to dodge uncomfortable feelings. Most advertisements are geared toward assisting the consumer in having to ever experience sadness, insecurity, anxiety, uncertainty, and pain. Pharmaceutical companies make billions of dollars every year offering the illusion of happiness in a pill. The only problem is, avoidance doesn't change the cause. And in fact, it frequently makes the source of your pain and discomfort even worse.

I was 27-years-old when I lost one of my best friends, Jhan Dean Egg, to AIDS. We had lived together in San Francisco for five years prior to his death. I was his confidant, his caretaker, and his Executor. When he passed away in our home I was overwhelmed with grief and suffering that I was not equipped to deal with at that age.

So I avoided the pain. I used work, busyness, and alcohol to avoid having to be present with the waves of grief that seemed too gigantic. And soon after, I used a relationship with another person as an escape. The red flags were there early on that this man was unstable and abusive, but I overlooked all of that because I could easily avoid my feelings when I was with him. In short, he became the drug that I craved in order to feel "high." And like all addictions, the relationship eventually crashed and burned (burned quite literally, as described in Lesson #20).

When all was said and done, I was left with a heap of an emotional mess to clean up, and still had to work through the original problem that caused my error in judgments. I realized then and there that using people and things to avoid emotional pain was not to my benefit. I would have been better off just dealing with the core issue in the first place.

I see many people in my personal and professional life who also use relationships, drugs, sex, and general busyness to circumvent the experience of feeling pain. It troubles me when I see people I care about piling up their problems with more problems, all in the name of avoidance. This lesson is intended for anyone at any age who is trying to bypass facing their troubles. There is no need to fear the feelings. Dealing with the emotions, as painful and inconvenient as they may be, makes your life so much more simple and joyful in the long run.

Knowing this lesson through personal experience offers me a sense of hope and optimism about growing older. I don't have to fear the painful feelings. I don't have to use anyone or anything to escape. I am home in my heart, and that is the safest place I've ever been.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #20: Chronology Does Not Always Bring Maturity

2011-04-06T12:06:00.006-04:00

Those who knew me in my twenties are aware that I used to have a tendency to date men that were slightly older. Okay, one or two decades older. I had this ideal that someone who had lived life longer than myself, especially those who had survived the first wave of the AIDS crisis in the 1980s, had to have insight and knowledge of how to overcome grief and adversity. I figured they must know how to cope healthily with trauma, they must know how to manage every day frustration, they must know how to maintain and sustain fulfilling relationships with others. These were all things I wanted to learn and thought an older boyfriend would be the perfect teacher for gaining important life insights.

Boy did I not that plan that well. I went through relationship after relationship with older guys that were impatient, maladjusted, short-sighted, had poor frustration tolerance, and impaired communication skills. This pattern culminated in my late twenties when living with a well known community leader who smoked pot everyday, was prone to impulsive and unpredictable temper tantrums, was estranged from all friends from his past, and ultimately took it upon himself to burn my personal journals in the barbecue. I decided there and then I had enough, I would learn my important life lessons on my own, thank you very much.

It was a few years later that I began studying with Jacob Glass, learning the principles in A Course In Miracles, as well as reading the theories behind Dr. Albert Ellis's Rational-Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) I came to understand that the truth and answers I was looking for were not to be found in the "special relationships" I was pursuing, but could be accessed if I searched for comfort, peace, and resilience within myself first. I learned to use my connection with a higher power to instruct me how I can persevere through trauma, frustrations, and build long lasting and fulfilling relationships. I became the teacher I wanted to see.

Soon after a handsome man, who happened to be seven years younger, bounced into my life. I met Matt Cameron at a time when I was extremely closed off to the possibility of being involved with anyone. He impressed me with his maturity, his balance, his compassion, and his depth. He had been able to overcome challenges and adversities in his own life and survive with a sense of optimism and hope. He had been able to make strong sustaining friendships with people in every city he had ever lived (and he had moved a lot). He had the ability to maintain levity, humor, and balance...even in traffic. In short, this 26-year-old was a better example for me of how I wanted to live my life than anyone of the older men I had ever dated.

More importantly, Matt taught me that there is absolutely no correlation between chronological age and emotional maturity. I have since been inspired and offered insight as to the kind of person I want to be from people ranging from ages 13 through 93. Similarly, I have been well educated as to the kind of person I don't want to be from people ages 13 through 93. People of any age can be beacons of inspiration or destruction. Why limit yourself by choosing to date or have relationships with people of a certain age range?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

40 Lessons Of 40: #21-30

2011-04-05T14:34:00.002-04:00

Why 40 Lessons of 40? Because I am turning forty-years-old on April 25th, and have found myself surrounded by fear and shame around the gift of aging. These are lessons I have learned in forty years that helped me to live, to laugh, to love, and to cope with loss. I hope they help you to see that the true fountain of youth is the satisfaction and inspiration you get from growing older.

Lesson #21: Don't Condemn What You Don't Understand
Lesson #22: Be The Change You Want To See
Lesson #23: Sleep Is Important...But Losing A Night Won't Kill You
Lesson #24: Patience Is Your Best Friend
Lesson #25: Do What Scares You
Lesson #26: Frustration Tolerance Is An Important Measure Of Character
Lesson #27: Getting "Older" Means Using The Past To Measure Against The Present
Lesson #28: There Are Two Kinds Of People In The World...
Lesson #29: Keep The Drama Onscreen
Lesson #30: Clean House = Clean Heart

Lessons #31-#40

Related:
Damon L. Jacobs discusses 40 Lessons of 40 series on FEAST OF FUN
Damon L. Jacobs is offering free workshop on being "Fabulous at Forty" in NYC on 4/25

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #21: Don't Condemn What You Don't Understand

2011-04-05T13:28:00.001-04:00

One of the main symptoms of getting older is the tendency to judge and condemn new forms of expression without taking the time to understand it first. It is almost innate as we age to reduce complex thinking, and to want to put people and things into simple categories that were established in the past. I too can't help but listen to pop music today and think about previous eras that songs resemble. The difference is, I have learned that if I put something down without understanding it first, I am being closed, limited, and depriving myself of learning something new.

There has always been a perception of a cultural divide between age spans in popular forms of entertainment. From the movies "Rebel Without A Cause," to "The Graduate," to Will Smith's, "Parents Just Don't Understand," there has been a line drawn in the generational sand that has dictated, "misunderstood youth here...critical old people there."

In real life, I have found it to be much more complex. The older people in my family were mostly open minded, curious, and interested in learning about the different music and fashion trends I was following as a teenager. They may not have enjoyed them, but they took the time to understood why I enjoyed them. I learned from my grandparents, as well as my Aunt Florrie, that later years can be a time when one learns new skills, embraces life, and asks questions about things one doesn't know instead of rushing to snap judgments.

So now, when I am tempted to put a younger person into an established category in my head, as I originally did with the Lady Gaga phenomenon, I check myself. Do I know what this person is trying to express? Is there something that I can learn? If I don't understand it, can I ask someone who does? Is this person creating something that can enhance and improve my experience in some way?

At any chronological age we can decide to shut our minds and hearts down to new forms of creative statements, as the prototypical "old person" does in the aforementioned movies and videos. But doing so shuts out a plethora of potential joy, fun, and learning. I am starting my forties finding myself more fascinated than ever by artistic expressions of younger people throughout New York City in political and social contexts. If I keep an open outlook, then aging becomes an exciting creative adventure of its own!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

New Feast Of Fun Show!

2011-04-05T11:54:00.001-04:00

Fausto Fernós and Marc Felion, aka the delicious couple cooking festive gab fasts at Feast Of Fun, featured me and the 40 Lessons of 40 series on their show today. We discussed being fabulous at forty, the rewards of getting older, and how to be empowered at ANY age.

Please press here to listen to this unique show, guaranteed to change the way you see the world.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Fabulous At Forty: How To Embrace Life And Feel Good At ANY Age Workshop

2011-04-04T15:46:00.003-04:00

Lesson #22: Be The Change You Want To See

2011-04-04T11:49:00.002-04:00

Anyone can look around and focus on devastation and damage. Wars, crimes, deaths, environmental destruction, social injustices, natural disasters, these are all part and parcel of this thing we call "the world." How does one not get overwhelmed by the challenges and hardships of trying to live this life with some semblance of joy or peace? Simple: be the change you want to see.

If you want to see wars come to an end, then stop attacking your neighbor. If you care about the environment, reduce the way you drain natural resources. If you want people to act honestly, then live your own life with integrity and truth. If you want to stop feeling depressed, then stop using Facebook and Twitter to complain about how miserable life is. And if you want people to respect you, then treat your own mind and body with dignity.

Most of us have been conditioned in this culture to think it is someone else's fault is we are feeling upset, angry, betrayed, scared, depressed. We have been taught that is helpful to express our grievances in public venues. My experience is that people who are actively involved with changing the world don't feel helpless, and don't need to complain. People who do meaningful soul enriching work are not as likely to be overwhelmed with doom and gloom on a personal or global level because they are taking part in the solution and being the change they want to see.

I have found this to be extremely helpful in my own life. When I felt overwhelmed and devastated by the impact of HIV/AIDS, I took action by working in service organizations that promoted wellness and support, and eventually became a volunteer for the HIV Vaccine trials. When I felt saddened by the loss of daytime soaps on network television, I joined up with Roger Newcomb to promote and celebrate the original and exciting "Indie Soaps" that are now produced exclusively on the Internet. When I see toxic complaining online, I react by sharing a positive quote or idea, and producing a series like 40 Lessons of 40 that will (hopefully) demonstrate an alternative and empowering way of using social media.

It is because I practice being an agent of change that I am not afraid of turning forty and confronting ageism. No one can dismiss me if I don't dismiss myself. No one can disrespect me if I don't disrespect myself. No one can see me as obsolete if I don't see myself that way. Getting older has taught me the value of giving what I see lacking in any given situation. I hope it can be your key to freedom as well.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #23: Sleep Is Important...But Losing A Night Won't Kill You

2011-04-03T12:50:00.001-04:00

According to my birth certificate, I was born at 1:12pm. That would definitely help to explain why I rarely feel functional and awake before 1:12pm on any given day. Throughout all forty years of my life I have experienced a complete resurgence of creative energy that hits around 9pm, which needless to say, did not make school or regular work jobs very easy to perform.

I have been burdened with insomnia and restless sleep for most of my life. Some of my earliest memories were lying in bed, trying desperately to sleep, and hearing the "hisssssssss" on my 1970s electric clock go off every sixty seconds as the numbers changed to later, and later, and later, until the birds started chirping. My mind would spin with concerns as soon as my head hit the pillow. The worry about not getting enough sleep was ironically one of the biggest fears that kept me awake at night. That, along with not doing well in school, nuclear war, and the possible cancellation of "The Doctors" weighed heavy on my childhood mind.

Around age thirty I finally learned how to stand up, and even conquer, the insomniac demons. I was at work one day, after a night with minimal rest, and thought, "Hey I'm doing okay without sleep. Why did I worry so much about this?" I realized that I can function quite well with no rest at all. It is not preferable, and it doesn't feel good, but it is possible. I came to assess that I had gotten through and accomplished quite a lot in my life without decent sleep. Again, it was not something I wanted, but hardly the end of the world.

I also realized that it was irrational to spend most of the night worrying about all the things that could possibly go wrong for the rest of my life. My experience had taught me that most of the things I worried about didn't happen, and I was quite able to deal with the traumatic events that did occur. Given that, why was I going to waste my time and energy on doubting myself? So I made a pact with me: if my mind is going to race at night, it might as well race with thoughts that make me happy. The work of Jacob Glass, Marianne Williamson, and A Course In Miracles filled me with focused ideas and thoughts that helped me to feel joyful, hopeful, and relaxed. Lo and behold, sleep soon followed.

Today I am blessed with the opportunities to work for myself in private practice, do outreach for HIV Vaccine Trials, and cover features for We Love Soaps TV. All of these duties allow me to channel that creative energy I have late at night, and sleep through the dreaded morning. Respecting my intuitive biological clock, instead of fighting it, has also done wonders for my ability to get long periods of undisturbed R.E.M. rest.

Occasionally I do have one of those nights that, for whatever reasons, sleep doesn't come. But in forty years I have learned that I can trust the world and myself to handle it. Losing a night of sleep hasn't killed me yet, it hasn't impaired by ability to enjoy my life, and I don't plan of letting it start now.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #24: Patience Is Your Best Friend

2011-04-02T13:09:00.003-04:00

I was asked recently what I perceived as some of the larger cultural shifts of the past twenty years. There are certainly obvious external changes, such as the advent of the Internet and an exceedingly democratic access to global information. But the biggest psychological changes I have seen have to do with the social reduction in patience. As a culture we are no longer willing to wait for what we want and have faith that rewards will follow. From my perspective, this has resulted in an increase of anxiety, frustration, and resentment that people experience when they are not instantly gratified.

I started learning the value of patience when I began attending the University of California at Santa Cruz in 1989. During my first lengthy stay away from home I experienced a fairly anxious meltdown, and for the first time (but not the last) sought psychological help. I was paired up with an incredibly wise and comforting therapist who not only helped me make sense of confusing issues, but also recommended I try being "patient" around making friends and feeling comfortable in these new surroundings.

To be honest, I think "patience" is the last word any 18-year-old ever wants to hear. I did not want to wait, I wanted to feel confident and secure NOW! However, what I came to understand over the next decade is that peace does not come from getting what you want, it comes from having patience while you pursue getting what you want. It comes from having faith that things will ultimately work out the way they are meant to work out, even if they are not "perfect." There is no need to rush something, because I can choose to experience peace at any time.

This lesson has been of incredible value. It has allowed me to be present in relationships and make mindful choices about whom I spend time with. It has enabled me to stay in jobs which ultimately led to promotions and satisfying opportunities. Essentially, patience has taught me that I have no idea how anything "should" look, so I may as well relax and just be present.

I fear that in the current culture of instant communication, texts, cell phones, email chats, that the value of patience and waiting may be falling by the wayside. I recommend to people of all ages to consider examining how they can bring a little more patience and stillness into their personal and professional interactions. Doing so opens up one to experience much more enriching and joyful lives.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #25: Do What Scares You

2011-04-01T11:37:00.004-04:00

This is one of the most important lessons that has guided my wisest decisions all my adult life. I seem to have developed an innate instinct which leads me to do the thing that scares me the most. Because of it I have been able to learn new ideas, take chances, meet fascinating people, and have fun and strange experiences I never would have had otherwise.

For example, in 1993, I had the idea of getting in my car alone for a week and driving with no particular destination. My gut reaction was terror, so I did it anyway. I ended up driving through Yosemite, the Grand Canyon, Boulder, and loving the calm peace that came from riding through vast open road and never ending plains. I loved it so much I did again by myself, driving to Vancouver in 1994, New Orleans in 1995, and Chicago in 1996. I will cherish those adventures on the road and the people I met for the rest of my life.

In 2002, I had the crazy idea of leaving everything "safe" in California and moving to New York City. My cautious mind said, "No way can you do that." My heart sped up, I felt flush, and that's how I knew it was exactly the right thing to do. It took awhile to get there, but relocating to the East Coast has been one of the smartest and most gratifying decisions I have ever made.

In 2006, I wrote "Absolutely Should-less." I was terrified to take on that challenge, and even more horrified at the idea of having anyone actually read it. Yet, once again, it was that shot of electric fear through my veins that instructed me to sit down and write it, and to get it published for the world to see.

Even now, I still have nervousness and anxiety about approaching soap stars for interviews. Just the other day when seeing Susan Lucci at a book signing, I experienced a half-second of complete and utter panic. I have met her and interviewed her for We Love Soaps TV before but that voice in my head said, "Come ON, this is Susan F----n Lucci!" I used that distress to move right toward her, and ended up being the first press member to interview her at the event.

I have learned that it is far more gratifying to react to fear with defiant action than compliant shame. From asking someone out on a date, to moving in with my partner, to jumping out of airplanes, to starting my own private practice, I am proud that I have spent a great deal of these forty years facing fears and challenges with adrenaline-fueled terror and stubborn determination. What scares you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #26: Frustration Tolerance Is An Important Measure Of Character

2011-03-31T15:30:00.003-04:00

As a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist, I often work with couples who are struggling to make a relationship work, as well as single people who want to find someone with whom they are compatible. I am often asked what factors to look for in terms of compatibility in a potential mate or a current partner. Common interests, similar values, and sexual arousal, are always standards for building a solid foundation. But the one extra thing I always encourage people to consider is how your partner manages frustration.

"Frustration" is the response we have when reality conflicts with our "shoulds." And yes, I have them too. When a subway train breaks down, when people block the sidewalk, if there is a long slow line at Duane Reade's, then I get frustrated. "Tolerance" is the degree to which we are willing to maintain calm and focus despite frustrations. It is an acquired mental muscle that takes discipline and focus. It is the ability to choose to stay centered and serene even in the midst of an event that is frustrating.

When confronted with conflict, someone with low frustration tolerance will act out, make a scene, blurt out passive aggressive statements to strangers, and even sometimes start arguments and fights with people around them. It is the cause of a great amount of traffic accidents, and in the extreme, can lead to battering and domestic violence. The underlying delusion behind the behavior is, "If I can change you then I will be less upset." This is a common yet dangerous belief.

Someone with high frustration tolerance will breathe, go within, recognize they have a choice how to manage the situation, and decide how to react based on what is most useful. They recognize that even when circumstances are not ideal, they can be acceptable, and move on. They may choose to be proactive resolving a conflict, or may walk away. But with either option there is the knowledge that inner serenity is completely their own responsibility, it is not based on other people's actions.

When two people with vastly different levels of frustration tolerance are trying to be together, it can often lead to resentment and anger on both ends. When one person is invested in practicing health and serenity, while the other is attached to practicing conflict and unhappiness, it makes for a turbulent union at best. This is why I encourage couples and individuals to look closely at this issue, and if possible, use counseling as a way to build communication, support, and resolution for the various levels of frustration that exist inside and outside of the relationship.

Knowing this when I was younger would have saved me a lot of time, energy, and sorrow. I had several relationships with people who had no frustration tolerance, blamed the world for their problems, and struck out accordingly. At this point in my life, I have no time nor interest in being surrounded by people who lack frustration tolerance. That may have cost me a few friends through the years, but my social circle is filled with people who are responsible for their actions and maintain impulse control.

How do you react to frustration? Which response would you prefer?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #27: Getting "Older" Means Using The Past As A Measurement Against The Present

2011-03-30T15:27:00.002-04:00

What exactly is "getting older"? Chronology and physical changes, of course, are objective markers. Yet I have noticed the biggest mental distinction between someone who is "old" or "young" has to do with how they measure the present against the past. They start their sentences with, "It used to be like..." or "In my day..." More often than not, the present can't hold a candle to a romanticized illusion of the past, and the statement takes on a woeful frustrated tone. People of any numerical age can do this, and any one can choose not to.

Why are young people romanticized so often in arts and literature? Because "youth" essentially means you have no past with which to judge the present. "Youth" are totally in the here-and-now moment, unfettered by fantasies of the past, unburdened by worries of the future. The good news is that any of us at any age can embrace these qualities, it simply takes practice.

By this definition I am a lot "younger" now than I was in my childhood, teens, and twenties. I wasted so much time worrying about the future, from larger issues of nuclear war, to my grades in school, to whether someone liked me or not. I frequently fought change and harshly scrutinized new teachers, new students, new television shows, new music, new books, for not being how they "used to be." I was stubborn, stodgy, and shut down by age twenty.

I have since learned the freedom of embracing change and focusing on the now. I am very aware of the past, of people I have known, choices I have made, and how decisions and experiences have led me to where I am today. But I don't use those events as a rulers against the now. The past is helpful to me only if it offers perspective and insight of how I can enjoy life in the present. By fully comprehending that there is no one moment better than another, I am free to live my forty-year-old life with novelty, interest, and investigative curiosity. How about you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #28: There Are Two Kinds Of People In This World...

2011-03-29T14:08:00.005-04:00

Some of my earliest memories involve going with my mother to the Alpha-Beta supermarket in Culver City. I remember one distinct moment in the parking lot when she looked around, and noted with some detached disdain, "There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who return to their shopping cart to the store, and those who leave them out."

I always loved studying human nature, even as a child. I went through undergraduate and graduate school studying Psychology and learning theory after theory about the psychic apparatus, attachment, unconscious drives, humanism, guilt, dreams, and family dynamics. There was something about the drive to understand "why" in these studies that seemed removed, cold, and somewhat irrelevant, especially when you are working with clients who have nowhere to live and little food to eat. As I began working full time in the profession, I found that modern Cognitive-Behavioral models made a lot more clinical sense, offered actual solutions to my clients, and were more integral to my own values. The work of Dr. Albert Ellis and Dr. David Burns focused on improving people's lives and empowering them to learn tools to manage their own problems, with or without therapy.

Yet now at age forty, with all my education and research, I'm inclined to believe that my mother had it right all along. What human behavior comes down to is that some people will return their shopping cart to the front, and some will leave them out. There are individuals on this earth who perceive connection among living beings, and feel responsible for having a healing impact in this world. Then there are those who do not feel connected, have no attachment to doing their part to help, and could care less about making another person's life any easier.

I have been reminded of my mother's eloquence a lot recently, as I do outreach and education for the current HIV Vaccine Trials. I meet some people who are interested in learning, and feel a strong sense of responsibility to take five minutes to find out if they may be eligible to participate. And then I meet those who simply don't care. They shield themselves with fear, arm themselves with ignorance, and mindlessly leave their proverbial shopping cart out for someone else to clean up.

Taking care of my own "shopping cart" in this world has led me to take jobs which help others, and just as importantly, nourishes me. Friends and family have often questioned how I have been able to do such "depressing work." The answer is very simple: If I'm not part of the solution then I am part of the problem. I can't take on every thing wrong in the world, but I can return my own shopping cart and encourage others to experience the benefits of doing the same. How about you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #29: Keep The Drama Onscreen

2011-03-28T14:06:00.008-04:00

It is no secret I love daytime soap operas. I grew up preferring to watch an episode of Days Of Our Lives or Another World to sitting through any cartoon or children's show. I enjoyed seeing the adult characters confront problems and calamities, and overcome adversities in order to get stronger, wiser, and able to tackle the next disaster. The implicit message underlying all the soaps of the 70s and 80s was that you too can overcome traumatic hardships in your own life. The only drawback for me was how I absorbed and digested this message as: you need drama in your life to have meaning and purpose. After all, the happy characters were rarely seen, and I wanted to live my life "onscreen" as much as possible.

So I set out in my teens and twenties to live the conflict-driven life. I created plenty of secrets, lies, betrayals, stormy relationships, arguments with crescendos, break-ups with tragedy, and always a front burner story line playing out. If I was not in a situation laden with drama, then I was damn well going to create one by inventing a dispute, a complaint, a grievance, something that would make me have to learn, grow, and change, just like the soap heroines I loved so much.

Soon after turning thirty a horrifying shift occurred. My external circumstances became situated in a way that made me...happy! I had a great job in Palm Springs, some fabulous friends, good money, and a wonderful family nearby. Furthermore, I became tired and bored by my own problems-du-jour I was making up. I was bored telling them, bored hearing them. I found myself facing the existential crisis of being content and was terrified what that "meant." After all, if Barbara Ryan, Maggie Horton, Lillian Raines, and Bobbie Spencer disappeared whenever they were happy, what was going to happen to me?

As fate would have it, this was around the same time spiritual practitioner extraordinaire Jacob Glass began doing a lecture series in Palm Springs. Jacob has an unique way of taking fundamental principles from A Course in Miracles, drawing from New Thought practices of the past one hundred years, adding a pinch of Oprah, a dash of pop culture, and sprinkling with life metaphors from Charlie's Angels. He was the perfect blend of hope and cynicism that I needed to wake me up to the reality that I had created all the melodrama in my life, and I could stop at any time. He helped me to understand that I could make conflict and theatrics out of any circumstance if that was my intention. And most importantly, I learned from him that spirituality, peace, and serenity do not cut all the drama out of your life, they just cut out the cheap drama.

It was from learning these lessons that I moved to New York, wrote a book, began my private psychotherapy practice, and have had the opportunity to interview so many of the daytime stars I loved watching when I was growing up. It was from the decision to eliminate flimsy cheap drama from my life that I have had the clarity of mind, focus, and direction to create so much more. I still love the drama onscreen, but now have little tolerance for it in day-to-day life.

Every day I see people on Facebook and Twitter who appear to be inventing conflict for the sake of experiencing turmoil. I respect their right to create drama, as I had to do it for several decades before I was willing to give it up. But I can honestly say that choosing serenity and happiness in any set of circumstances has allowed me to experience highs and lows more profound and deep than I ever did when I was younger. It enables me to embrace turning forty, knowing that I can face future challenges with an authentic sense of resilience, rationality, humor, and hope. It sets me on the course of having experiences and adventures that will enhance my soul, not dull it.

Are you preferring your drama onscreen or off screen? What choices are you making today?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #30: Clean House = Clean Heart

2011-03-27T17:11:00.002-04:00

There was a time in my life when I held on to mental grudges and emotional vendettas with a tight fist. I didn't want anyone to "get away" with hurting me, and I did not forgive or forget anyone who had said or done something "wrong." Not coincidentally, my living space was in a state of cluttered disarray. I had piles of things I did not need all around, dust gathering on old possessions, and every wall space covered. I believed that if I threw away collections, clothes, or old sentimental items that I would be losing a part of myself. And thank God, I was right.

Around age eighteen, when I eventually did start cleaning out old closets and letting go of material possessions, I found that I could also let go of old parts of me that didn't fit anymore. If I could release the parts of childhood Damon that had seen himself as an injured victim, then I could physically and emotionally begin to make room for a newer and more adult version. This Damon would grow, start to take more responsibility for his experience, and would be more open to learning new lessons.

Often times people clutter and hoard as an unconscious way to protect themselves from a perceived sense of anxiety or loss. The drawback is that clutter also prevents potential joy from entering your world. If your home is full then there is literally no room for anything new. Your heart and mind work in the exact same way. Disorder in your house and traffic in your mind serve no purpose other than to make you rigid, stifled, and closed down to new opportunities.

My house at this moment is not the neatest place in the world, but it is overall clean with minimal furniture and minimal decoration. Keeping my living area in order allows me to stay centered, focused, embracing of the present, and excited about the future. It provides me with a space of positivity and possibility that is reflective of how I feel about aging at this time. I am willing to let go of the physical and emotional clutter that stagnates me and holds me back from all the adventures and experiences that life has to offer. What do you need to clear out to make this possible for you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

40 Lessons Of 40: #31-40

2011-03-26T17:16:00.002-04:00

In thirty days I am turning 40-years-old. I am counting down the 40 lessons that have helped me to live, to love, to laugh, and to cope with loss. These are lessons that make my life easier and more peaceful now, and lessons that would have made my life a lot easier and more peaceful when I was in my twenties. They may not change the whole world, but I guarantee they will change the way you see the whole world.

So please help me celebrate forty years by coming back and reading these life lessons. If you like, please share on Facebook, Twitter, whatever mode of communication you enjoy the most.

Lesson #31: There Is No Universal Consensus of "Sexy"
Lesson #32: When In Doubt Ask How To Help
Lesson #33: "Young People Today" Are No Different From Young People Yesterday
Lesson #34: It Is Insane To Argue With The Weather
Lesson #35: Random Acts Of Kindness Can Save The World
Lesson #36: Liberation Is Having The Audacity To Ask, "Why The Hell Not?"
Lesson #37: There Are No Small Jobs, Just Small People
Lesson #38: This Too Will Pass
Lesson #39: "This Ain't No Dress Rehearsal"
Lesson #40: There Are Billions Of Dollars Invested In Me Feeling Scared And Sad About Turning 40

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #31: There Is No Universal Consensus Of "Sexy"

2011-03-26T13:00:00.001-04:00

I spent most of my early twenties working at a popular Castro restaurant in San Francisco called, "The Patio Cafe." The owner had a propensity for hiring "twinks," ie, skinny younger men who personified some fantasy of youth. On Sundays there would be about nine of us working together on the floor. One might think that nine gay kids, who had relatively similar physical characteristics, would be interested in the same kind of boys. However, after being there for many years, I found the truth to be exactly the opposite. Everyone who walked in was the object of desire for at least one of us. It didn't matter how young, old, short, tall, dark, light, hairy, smooth, clean, dirty, rich, poor, bald, long-haired, nice, mean, smart or dumb, the customer was. There was always at least one of us that said, "WOW that guy is hot," another said, "Dude, you are crazy."

It was then I came to the realization that there is no universal consensus of what is considered "sexy." Different people eroticize different qualities in other people. Some men and women like their partner to be older, some younger, some overweight, some thin. One could go into deeper reasons about "why" one person is more attracted to some type than another, but what's the point? Hormones are hormones, stimulation is stimulation, sexy is sexy. It's there for someone or it's not.

This runs contrary to what media wants you think. Television, movies, and magazines impress upon their audiences that there is only one idea of attractive: young and thin. As pointed out in Lesson 40, the goal of these images is to scare you into thinking you are not sexually appealing to others, so you'll buy products to make you feel confident. People are fed these messages so insidiously and consistently that they come to believe that young and thin is a universal ideal of sexual desirability, and live in great fear of not looking this way.

When I was in my twenties I took rejection very personally. I thought if someone wasn't physically interested in me that it meant I was less of a person, a loser, a nobody. I didn't understand back then that my self-loathing and self-hatred were universal turn-offs that transcended anyone's physical preference. And I certainly did not have the tools to understand it's not personal if he's "just not that into you."

Knowing that now helps me to embrace turning forty, and stand up to cruel and distorted notions of ageism. There will always be facets of our culture that brainwash others into believing that aging is something to be feared, and that getting older means you will be asexual, lonely and obsolete. The reality is that some people are physically into you, and some people aren't. That is just as true at age forty as it was at age twenty as it will be at age sixty. There is no universal consensus of "sexy," and there never will be. So embrace what you've got, and use it!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #32: When In Doubt Ask How To Help

2011-03-25T11:16:00.000-04:00

Truth be told, I can be a bit shy. I have no problem socializing at big gatherings...as long as I have a microphone in my hand for We Love Soaps TV, or a clipboard in my other hand for HIV Vaccine Trials. Left to my own devices, I find it very hard to know what to do at parties, social events, friend gatherings, etc.

Then I learned a helpful trick: Ask how I can be helpful. It gives me a purpose, it feels good, it makes someone's life easier, and it makes it more natural to socialize. This might mean serving food, pouring drinks, lifting something, washing dishes, picking up garbage, cleaning up, running out to get ice, listening to a problem, or doing something that helps the person running the the festivities to enjoy themselves.

This lesson has been important at non-social times as well. When a friend has been ill, when a loved one has died, when I'm at one of those junctures where I don't know what to say, I try thinking about how I can be helpful. And when in doubt, I ask. Getting out of my own head is one of the most effective ways I have found to manage social anxiety in these forty years. It is a very simple idea, with very profound consequences.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #33: "Young People Today" Are No Different From Young People Yesterday

2011-03-24T13:25:00.002-04:00

One of my current jobs is doing outreach and education around New York City for HIV Vaccine Trials. This means I get to have a lot of conversations with people, older and younger, about their views on HIV, responsibility, activism, and social awareness. It surprises and amuses me when I hear someone around my age say, "These young people don't care. They just want to listen to Lady Gaga on their iPods and talk to their friends on Facebook." Immediately I flash back to twenty years ago when I heard, "These young people just don't care. They just want to listen to Madonna on their Sony Walkman and talk on to their friends on their cordless phones."

This complaint is as old as time itself. In every decade, in every generation, there exists a continued myth that "these young people" today don't care. There is a sustained illusion that the older you get, the more your cohorts had something to do with saving the world and impacting social justice. I, for one, cannot remember any moment in the last forty years where that was actually true.

It is correct to say that there have always been subsets of young people devoted to social change. ACT-UP of the 1980s and Queer Nation in the 1990s were filled with activists of all ages that were committed to promoting, and at times forcing, legal and political movement. But it is more factual and historically accurate to state that some people of some age groups care about saving the world, and some simply don't. This is just as true in 2011 as it was in 1971.

I am fortunate to work with a group of individuals in their mid-early twenties who are extremely passionate and committed to helping to eradicate HIV/AIDS from our world. They are so much more knowledgeable and savvy about how to help than I ever was at their age. Thanks to Lee Chappell's innovative and fun events, I am meeting more and more young people who are curious and engaged with promoting social change and making the world a better place to live. And at the same time, I do outreach in areas of New York City where I can't get someone to put down their iPhone long enough to say the word, "HIV."

I've taken from all this that young people today are truly no different from young people yesterday. Some feel responsible for changing the world, some don't. If you tell yourself, "Young people don't care," not only are you grossly misrepresenting reality, but you are distorting the truth in a way that makes you bitter, resentful, and aged. When it comes down to it, young people in every generation just want to have fun and get laid with as little muss and fuss as possible. Big whoop.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #34: It Is Insane To Argue With The Weather

2011-03-23T12:16:00.001-04:00

I can't tell you how often I hear people complain, judge, challenge, condemn, blame, and curse out the weather. This is especially true in New York City, where we just experienced the snowiest January in recorded history, and the third snowiest winter ever. But rain or shine one thing remains true: Mother Nature doesn't give a s**t what you think.

Dr. Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, consistently and emphatically stated, "People are not upset by the things around them. People are upset by what they tell themselves about the things around them." People don't get upset by the wind and the cold, they get upset about what they tell themselves about the wind and the cold. The same holds true for the economy, the president, the traffic, a coworker, a spouse, a partner, a canceled soap opera, even a death. Anytime we experience anger or frustration it is because of the automatic messages we are telling ourselves, not the situation itself.

I am not saying I like miserable weather or stock market crashes or losing loved ones. But I have learned that going to war with reality means I will lose. I will lose rest, I will lose balance, I will lose focus, I will lose joy. I am simply not willing to sacrifice these things at age forty the way I did when I was younger.

So no, I don't fight bad weather. I use all adversities as opportunities to practice these 40 Lessons of 40 years. I choose to find serenity even in the midst of crappy weather, a bad economy, and a friend's death. This is a valuable tool that any one of us can apply at any age.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #35: Random Acts Of Kindness Can Save The World

2011-03-22T11:32:00.001-04:00

If the Winter Blues are still getting you down (especially out here on the East Coast), if you are ever in need of pick-me-up during the day, try doing ONE random act of kindness for another person. A "random" act is usually unexpected and generous. A few examples can be: holding a door open for someone, letting someone go in front of you in line, paying the toll on the bridge for the person behind you, giving someone a subway swipe, saying "thank you" to a mail carrier, giving an extra tip to that waitress working for pennies in your local restaurant, getting a cup of coffee for a co-worker, leaving a nice comment on Facebook, or just calling a relative to say "hi."

I learned the ecstatic joy of this act from my dear friend Chris Bender. We once ate lunch at Jerry's Deli in Marina Del Rey, California, and Chris wanted to get a homemade treat at the bakery afterward. While waiting in line a very loud woman behind us commented how much she loved those round black and white cookies, and how much they reminded her of the kind her mother used to make. In my cynical jaded mind I was thinking, "Geez lady, do we all need to know this?" The next thing I saw was Chris at the front of the line ordering two cookies, one for himself, and one for this woman. As he turned around and gave her the treat, the look in her face was one of shock, amazement, happiness, and tears. "I hope you have a great day," he said as he smiled to her and we departed. For just 75 cents Chris was able to transform this woman's entire day, and gave her a great story to tell others.

Why do random acts matter? Because negativity and cruelty are like nuclear waste—they continue to create and increase more of the same. If I am being an impatient jerk to someone, they are simply going to absorb that energy and dump it on someone else. That someone else could be a spouse, a child, or another driver on the road who then might in turn use their car to express hostility. The child that absorbs negativity may bully another child believing that violence will help him or her to feel better, when the reality is that bullying only makes the perpetrator and the recipient more prone to use violence and aggression to communicate. And so on and so on. This need not be.

Random acts of kindness not only reward the receiver, but they help the giver as well. They diffuse toxic hostility and make our world an easier and safer place to live. Will wars end because people buy each other cookies? Maybe not. But I've learned in forty years that my life is a lot sweeter when I find spontaneous ways to give. I encourage you to test this for yourself.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #36: Liberation Is Having The Audacity To Ask, "Why The Hell Not?"

2011-03-21T12:39:00.004-04:00

Not a single thing I have accomplished has taken place without a loud debate inside the chambers of my mind. The "Can't Committee" in my brain loves to spew out all the reasons why I will never be able to do something I want to do. It sites numbers and graphs as to why I will never be successful in reaching my goals. Fortunately, there is a more audacious and stubborn part of my mind that reacts to the Can't Committee by asking, "Why the hell not? Give me one good reason!"

When I first started conceiving of moving to New York from California, the Can't Committee went into overdrive. It stated, "You can't move, you have no job, no friends, you'll never make it." My audacious side replied, "Why the hell not? Who says I can't? What's the worst thing that could happen if I tried? I could fail, fall flat on my face, and come back to California, big whoop." The Can't Committee also informed me, "You can't write a book! No one would be silly enough to publish it, and even if they did, no one would read it." Yet Absolutely Should-less is written, published, well read, and from what I hear, very well received.

It takes audacity to stand up and say "no" to the Can't Committee inside of your own head. After forty years, I have finally gotten better at responding to mine by asking, "Why the hell not? I'm Damon! Why NOT me?" Asking this question offers a sense of liberation and resolve that helps me do more of the things I love to do, including making this list of 40 Lessons. It is only getting stronger with age, more solid with experience, and this is one of the many reasons why I am so very grateful to be getting older.

What does your Can't Committee say to you? Are you ready to challenge it?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #37: There Are No Small Jobs, Just Small People

2011-03-20T16:00:00.006-04:00

By age seventeen I had successfully cornered the market of babysitting in my Culver City neighborhood. I was getting bored, burnt out, and ready to work with adults. Given that my penchant for staying up all night was increasing, I decided the only logical next step was to start waiting tables during graveyard shift at the local Denny's. With my bravado and audacity, I walked in at 3am, told the manager I wanted a job, and somehow convinced him it was totally legal for minors to work night shifts. I was rewarded with a job offer, but not to wait tables as I had dreamed. I was told I could work as a dishwasher scrubbing pots and pans, as well as the toilets, from 11pm-7:30am - take it or leave it. I took it.

My grandfather told me "There are no small jobs, just small people." I took that to heart, and scrubbed those pans and bowls like never before. I felt so proud that I had been given such an adult responsibility, and took it very seriously. I brought integrity, devotion, and commitment to that job, as well as to keeping the bathrooms clean. The hard work paid off: I was soon promoted to a busser position, and then waitstaff. I approached each and every one of these positions with reverence, fascination, and gratitude. I came to resent high school even more as I felt it interfered with the thorough and well-rounded education I was getting at Denny's. I would have rather scrubbed a toilet that sit in a high school classroom. Come to think of it, I still would.

Over the next twenty years I did clinical work in corporate settings, non-profits, and government agencies. I knew some people in these environments who approached their work with passion and devotion. But I also experienced plenty of supervisors and higher-ups who came to work with resentment, anger, bitterness, and business practices that were less than ethical. One even was convicted of embezzlement from the agency!

My grandfather's words continue, "No small jobs, just small people." The measure of a person is not in the job they do, it is how they do it. You don't have to love every job you do, but you always have the option to bring love to every job you do. All work has value when it is done with integrity and commitment, even scrubbing toilets. It is because of this distinction that I have been able to take on a myriad of a positions, both high and low on the "food chain," that have assisted in getting the personal and professional experiences needed to learn many of the 40 Lessons discussed in this series. And it is because of these values that I can still perceive freedom in the midst of a troubled economy.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #38: This Too Will Pass

2011-03-19T11:56:00.001-04:00

When I was young it seemed every painful emotion would last forever. Hurt, rejection, anxiety, embarrassment, humiliation, rage, even boredom, all felt like they would stay with me for an eternity. I never conceived that difficult feelings would pass, and as an adult they would pass faster.

I wish I had known at twenty-years-old that emotions would get so much easier. That even the most painful feeling of shock and grief is temporary, and will settle into something else. I wish I had known that deep hurt is what transforms us into sensitive compassionate individuals. I wish I had known that pain wouldn't always consume so much of my energy.

This lesson is nearly impossible to meaningfully explain to someone young who hasn't yet had this range of experience. Even if someone had told me this when I was twenty, I probably would not have believed them because I had little personal evidence to back it up. I am able to see today that I'm not just getting older, I'm getting healthier because I know experientially that every feeling is temporary. Truly knowing that, I have no need to cling on to the good times, no need to avoid the bad times, no need to fear painful emotions. They all will pass. This is why getting older offers a degree of freedom that I have never known before.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #39: "This Ain't No Dress Rehearsal"

2011-03-18T11:27:00.000-04:00

By April of 1988, I was closeted, scared, and not sure I was ever going to come out as gay. I didn't really see the point, as I didn't know any gay people that were happy in their lives, and it seemed it would make my already somewhat miserable high school experience even worse.

Then on April 11th, Cher won the Academy Award for Moonstruck. This underdog, this outcast, was finally seeing the rewards for her passion and devotion to her craft. Furthermore, she came to the ceremony in a unique one-of-a-kind Bob Mackie see-through gown that signaled, "I am here, deal with it." Later that night she was asked how she had the courage to take so many risky steps in her untraditional career. "This ain't no dress rehearsal," she replied, and went on to explain that we only have one life to lead, one very short run, and then it's over. There are no auditions, no rehearsals. You live your life until you die, and then there are no do-overs. Her audacious and courageous attitude inspired me to come out no matter who loved me or hated me. What mattered most was that I was being true to myself, and damn anyone else if they can't handle it.

With that inspired piece of wisdom I set out to live my life with as much passion and integrity as possible. Some may argue I have gone overboard at times with this. I would say I have constantly striven to strike a balance between "live for today" and "plan for tomorrow." But one thing that informs every project I take on, every relationship I engage in, every experience I have, is that this ain't no dress rehearsal. I'm not going to get a second chance at this so I'm making it the performance of a lifetime. How about you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Lesson #40: There Are Billions Of Dollars Invested In Me Feeling Scared And Sad About Turning 40

2011-03-17T10:31:00.001-04:00

Does it ever seem strange to you that we are made to feel bad about the most natural process in the world? Aging is the one thing we all have in common no matter what gender, race, sexual orientation, class, culture, religion, geographical region, or financial status we are. Either we die or we age. I prefer the latter option.

So why then is there so much shame and embarrassment about going through the most human experience possible? Because financial corporations have a vested interest in making us feel fear so we'll buy products we don't really need. Moisturizers, cosmetic surgery, make-up, weight-loss programs, teeth whitening gels, hair coloring treatments, hair restoration programs, Viagra, fitness programs, and dozens of other products are advertised specifically to capitalize on our fears. They try to make us feel like we will be old and alone and depressed if we don't purchase these items. The implicit message is: getting old is really terrible, but you can feel less afraid by buying this _____. And since everyone will get older, everyone is the target market.

I, for one, refuse to give into this. I'm not saying that any of these products are "evil," I just do not appreciate the fear and shame tactics most use to manipulate and terrify their target audience. This "40 Lessons Of 40" series is committed to celebrating and embracing the aging process, and forging a new path for anyone who has been told to fear the inevitable.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Relating ...

2011-03-17T01:02:00.002-04:00

For those in the New York area, I am co-hosting this new monthly event at Stonewall Bar in the West Village. Truett Vaigneur and myself will hold discussions and have celebrity guests that bring forward unique perspectives and new thoughts about gay men and relating. Whether you are single or currently in a relationship, you will find this forum a fascinating experience.

Please come by MARCH 23, 2011, at Stonewall Bar (53 Christopher Street) from 6pm-7:30pm. Admission is FREE so come on by and help us "Relate."

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

40 Lessons Of 40

2011-03-16T23:13:00.003-04:00

Great news for The Should-less Guy! Starting tomorrow, March 17th, I am beginning the countdown of forty days until I turn forty-years-old. To commemorate this event, I have made a list or the forty lessons that have helped me to live, to love, to laugh, and to cope with loss. These are lessons that make my life easier and more peaceful now, and lessons that would have made my life a lot easier and more peaceful when I was twenty.

So please help me celebrate forty years by coming back and reading these life lessons. They may not change the whole world, but I guarantee they will change the way you see the whole world.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Highlights From "Give Up Your Shoulds Day"

2011-03-11T12:37:00.004-05:00

Here are some highlights from the 3rd Annual Give Up Your 'Shoulds' Day conference I gave in Manhattan back in November, 2010. Please enjoy!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Freedom From St. Shouldentine's Day

2011-02-14T03:44:00.001-05:00

Feeling lonely today? Stressed out about being alone? Nervous about making the day "perfect" for someone else? Angry that your partner let you down? Depressed that you are not with a significant other?

Then congratulations! You are one of the millions of Americans who have fallen prey to Valentine's Day "Shoulds." Or, as I like to call it, "St. Shouldentine's Day."

Every year, in the weeks prior to February 14th, the advertising industry starts pressing upon you that you "should" express your feelings for another person in a material way. Candy, cards, jewelry, flowers, music, dinners, candles, I even saw an ad for KY lube this year! There is a constant influx of overt and insidious messages informing you that emotions should be measured in gifts, and if you're not measuring up, you are losing out.

This frequently leads to stress and resentment in relationships. The problem comes in when someone either doesn't have the money to spend on an expensive present, or doesn't know the "right" gift they "should" give. When they "fail" to do the right thing, the partner often judges the person and their affection as inferior, and uses this single day to measure the quality of the relationship. And, even if someone is able to give the "right" gift this year, then they are faced with the challenge of one-upping it next year. See why the CEO's of Hallmark are sitting pretty?

If you're not in a relationship, forget about it. Although being single is a very satisfying and peaceful choice for many, you are constantly confronted with oppressive messages that inform there is something inherently defective about you if you don't have someone by your side on February 14th. Media and society cleverly instruct you that it is faulty to be on your own, and so you'd better spend a lot of money and time on finding someone to spend your time with (regardless of whether or not you actually like them and/or they treat your well).

Life doesn't have to be that hard. There is an a much easier path to take today. If you're in a relationship, communicate with your partner about ways to express affection that are consistent with your identity as a couple, which may or may not be consistent with society's "shoulds." If you are single, embrace the friends and family who contribute love to your life. Try not to romanticize and idealize the experience of being in a relationship on Valentine's Day. The grass is not always greener!

Remember, you can't control Valentine's Day, but you can control how you react to Valentine's Day. You can remain an emotional servant to corporate America, or you and the loved ones around you can choose a healthier, more respectful, and more loving path. I know which option I prefer, how about you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Tribute To A Friend

2011-02-08T16:20:00.002-05:00

Chris Bender, October 16, 2000

On February 5, 2011, I lost a friend, an ally, a soul mate, named Christopher M. Bender. Several kind people have wished condolences without knowing him or having any idea of who he was. I'm hoping this column will offer a glimpse of the man and his meaning in this world.

Many have to go through school and professional training to work in a healing profession. Chris simply was a healer. If you were one of the hundreds of clients he helped at Desert AIDS Project in Palm Springs, or one of the thousands of patrons he served at The Timberline in Seattle, then you know how just one flash of that smile would make your entire day brighter, and gave you hope that tomorrow would be better.

I had the chance to meet him first as a colleague at DAP. I had recently moved to Palm Springs from San Francisco, where I had just experienced a long year of caretaking and bereavement for a loved one. Chris grilled me in the lunch room on my first day with questions such as, “Where are you from? Why don’t you have a boyfriend? What do you want to do five years from now? What music do you listen to...,” and immediately we bonded. Chris was the perfect mellow-relaxed counterpart to my high-strung stressed-out energy at DAP. He demonstrated to me how to balance productivity with breaths, country music, and staying “below the radar.”

Then his partner Ricky began suffering dementia and was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Because I had so recently been through a similar experience in San Francisco, we bonded as we shared the struggles, insights, and tears of witnessing a loved one decompensate. That bond became the cement of a very intense and complicated relationship for the next eleven years. It was a decade of his physical highs and lows, my move to New York, years where we talked every day, years where we talked not at all. We traveled together, we bought property together, we watched hundreds of movies, and ate countless pieces of pizza. We cried a lot. We laughed a lot. Often at the same time.

During my last conversation with him a few weeks ago, he told me how excited he was to be taking on a new business project in Palm Springs. His health was good, his energy was strong, and we planned for his first trip to New York this April for my birthday. On February 4, he was admitted into the hospital with a fever. On February 5th he died of Pneumocyctis Pneumonia (PCP) peacefully with two loving friends by his side.

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” I have always believed in this, and I know Chris did too. Pain is what we experience when we love other humans, live life fully and authentically, and make the most of every event and opportunity put in our path. “Suffering” happens when we tell stories about that pain, such as, “This shouldn’t be happening, this is so bad, life is meaningless...”

Chris Bender experienced great pain in his fifty-three years. But not one day did he suffer. He demonstrated how to handle loss with dignity, illness with grace, grief with resilience. He taught me that we don’t have to make people and things “wrong” when life hurts. He showed me how to embody healing, compassion, and hope for others. He may no longer be physically with us, but I think we can all benefit from practicing these lessons.

I remember one very specific talk we had about an afterlife. He said, "When I die I want to go to Heaven...as long as I get to visit Hell on Saturday nights.” If there is a Heaven, then I know he is there now with Ricky, and so many of the friends, family, and pets he loved and lost. But come this Saturday night, watch out, Hell is going to never be the same again.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Resisting Gift-Giving Pressure From Others

2010-12-20T15:01:00.000-05:00

I just received a wonderful letter from the reader of this blog:

"Just read your blog about the Shouldless Xmas gifts. I am glad you wrote about it. I also recently had an experience with my follow students at school. All the students wanted donations for a Holiday party and to buy the teacher a gift, for being such a "good teacher" as they phrased it. I personally and honestly do NOT think he is a good teacher, so I told them I was NOT giving any money for it or the party. They of course naturally got surprised and angry. I personally do not care, because they do not pay my taxes, rent and food....Plus, I am NOT working Full-time and I am living of my resources. In anycase, I do NOT want to go into my private financial pity episode with my colleagues, because it is none of their business and not their problem. So, I take the consequences as NO BIG loss and they shall get over it! As Dr. Albert Ellis once said: 'I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR DISFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOR!' "

This statement incorporates several tips from my earlier post about Resisting Gift-Giving Shoulds. She recognized that (1) Fellow students may judge for not spending money, but they won't pay her bills later, and (2) People may be thrown off center when you don't spend as they think you "should," but your real friends will respect you for taking care of yourself. This reader found a beautiful way to find peace by living on her own terms as opposed to other people's "shoulds." Are you finding the same?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Should-less Ipod

2010-12-19T04:44:00.001-05:00

This may be completely off-topic, but I think this is a valuable piece of information for anyone who has become completely addicted to their iPod, as I have. Earlier today on my way to work my iPod died. It simply went to sleep and didn't wake up. When I got home, it did not connect with my computer. I was getting ready to bury the thing and figure out how to budget to get a new one.

Then I found this helpful piece of information online:

Reset Click Wheel Ipod (newer ipods including resetting an ipod video)
1. Flip the Hold switch on and off and make sure it ends up no longer on hold.
2. Press and hold the Menu and Select buttons (center Button) until the Apple logo appears (may take 5-11 seconds, and you may need to repeat this step)

I did these steps and viola! My iPod came back to life. All the music, all the settings still there.

It can be easy when we are stressed about holidays to slow down and problem solve effectively. This was a reminder to me (1) not to put my affection and faith into mechanical objects that will at some point die, and (2) ask for help when said mechanical object fails.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

How to Resist Gift-Giving "Shoulds"!

2010-12-18T22:32:00.001-05:00

Holidays, especially Christmas, are the perfect time to practice living life Absolutely Should-less. During these last few weeks of every year, regardless of your religion, all of us are bombarded with an excessive flurry of “shoulds” coming at us in all directions. Family, media, coworkers, department stores, pretty much everywhere you look the message is clear: “You should be buying things.” The consequence of this is that it results in many people feeling guilty, sad, inadequate, even unlovable.

For many, spending an excessive amount of money is simply not possible. I know parents who spend the entire year working, struggling, and sacrificing in order to provide food, clothes, safe housing, heat, and school supplies for their children. An admirable feat, definitely. But then Christmas comes around and guess what? None of that matters. Because adults and kids are all getting the same message -- gifts are more important than love. “You should give your children expensive gifts to let them know how much you love them.” See anything faulty about this logic?

There is an easier way to live in this life. You can challenge the status quo by choosing to be should-less, and even opting not to give presents if that would be a compromise to your happiness (or for you wallet!). Unfortunately, choosing to be happier with less shoulds can involve some rejection and disapproval from others. Deciding one year not to buy Christmas presents, or give birthday gifts, or not to send a card for any “holiday” invented by the card companies, can make you rather unpopular in your family. Any time anyone breaks away from the status quo they risk some social consequences. If you are concerned about this, please keep the following in mind:

Tips for resisting gift giving "shoulds"

1. This is your life and your life only. Relatives and friends may judge you for not spending money, but they won’t pay your bills a month later.
2. People may be thrown off center when you think or act differently. They may react with surprise or hostility. But the ones in your life who truly care about you will see how much happier you are. They will want to support you in living a peace-filled life, and not going into great amounts of debt.
3. Sometimes it is better not to give others everything they want for holidays or birthdays. In fact, by always giving someone gifts at these times, you may unwittingly be sending them a message that love should be expressed primarily through material gifts.
4. It can be quite beneficial to teach others, especially children, how to save and budget their own money. If they are always getting material items they want, then there is no reason for them to learn how to financially plan.
5. By not giving in to societal shoulds, you may be helping someone else in ways you can’t even realize. By acting in a healthy way, you give others permission to do the same. There may be someone in your family suffering more financial duress than you, who finds incredible relief when you’re the first one to stand up against holiday/birthday shoulds. Her shame about her financial situation may have prevented her from speaking up, but because you have done it, that road is paved.

Holidays can be a wonderfully fun and peaceful time for you and your loved ones. Or they can be a living hell. Which are you choosing?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Holiday "shoulds"

2010-12-03T14:35:00.002-05:00

Yup, the holiday season is here! This is that special time of year when most people are bombarded with constant and insidious "shoulds" from children, parents, spouses, partners, media, culture, department stores, advertisements, and about a dozen other sources. Is it any wonder why people experience more stress, anxiety, and substance abuse this time of year? Do we really have to question why there are 5% more heart related deaths in December than any other time?

Going through the holidays with "shoulds" dictating how you think and what you do is like living in prison. Those steel bars may have been created and sustained by the external sources around you. Fortunately, YOU have the key to your freedom, that is, celebrating life without "shoulds."

Over the next few weeks on this blog I will be presenting various tips/tools/insights on how to cope with the holidays without "shoulds", or at the minimum, with less "shoulds." It is my strongest intention that anyone reading will begin to assert their power over destructive "shoulds" and have their most peaceful and fulfilling holiday season ever.

As always, comments are welcomed here, or email me at Shouldless@gmail.com with any thoughts or questions.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Why I Do It

2010-12-01T04:25:00.001-05:00

In honor of World AIDS Day, I wanted to do my part to share education and information about the current HIV Vaccine Trials taking place across the United States.

I first heard about these studies four years ago. At that time I noticed I was no longer seeing HIV presented in the media as a crisis. However, people I knew were still being infected, friends were still getting ill, my clients were still struggling, and families and loved ones were still suffering. I felt frustrated that 25 years into this epidemic we didn't seem any closer to seeing the end of it, and that the younger generation appeared dangerously oblivious to the risks of contracting this disease.

That’s when I learned about the HIV Vaccine Trials taking place in New York and many cities around the United States. It appeared that this was the answer I was waiting for, this was the change I was waiting to see. If one could be vaccinated and protected from ever becoming HIV infected, it would certainly promote physical and emotional wellness in myself and my community.

Sure, I had trepidations about receiving an experimental vaccine. So I took the time to educate myself. I talked to the nurse at Project Achieve, I did research, and I asked questions. I weighed the possibility of minimal side effects against the potential of global benefits, and concluded that this was the right thing for me to do. I agreed to receive injections of either the vaccine or placebo, and agreed to come in for follow up blood draws for several years after.

The side effects, if any, were anticipated to be mild flu-like symptoms and fatigue for 24 hours after receiving the injection. To be honest, this part did not thrill me. But then I realized that some minor flu-like side effects were minimal compared to the discomfort and illness many of my loved ones with HIV had gone through. And with that, I agreed.

Over the next six months I received the three injections. And yes, I did have minor flu-like symptoms and fever for a short duration after receiving each injection. However, instead of that bothering me, it became something I perceived as positive. I realized that what was happening to my body was going to directly assist the researchers in learning how to eliminate this disease from our world. Generations from now, children would be as familiar with HIV as today’s generation is with polio, in part thanks to my efforts. I was willing to endure any side effects of discomfort with that goal in mind.

I now work for Project Achieve doing outreach and education about the trials around New York City. The current clinical trials are taking place now in several cities in the United States. You can press here to find out if it is happening in a city near you.

This is an opportunity to actively take part in the solution. This is a chance to honor those that have passed, and their families that miss them. This is a chance for volunteers to take pride in knowing they are doing their part to change the world. Participating in the HIV vaccine trials gave my life a new sense of meaning and purpose. Will you consider giving yours the same?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

"Should-less" weight loss

2010-11-19T16:36:00.000-05:00

One of the "shoulds" I hear most often is, "I should lose weight." This is such a pervasive thought in our culture that I dedicated entire chapter to it in my book, "Absolutely Should-less." On the surface, there appears to be nothing wrong with this statement, especially when losing weight could benefit one's physical and mental health. The only problem is shoulds are not an effective motivator for long term change. They can sometimes be a catalyst for short-term compliance. But they do not produce effective results in the long haul.

Why is that? Because "shoulds" about weight loss (and any other activity) are based on external pressures. In my book, there is a step-by-step process offered which helps you break down all the sources of learning why you "should" lose weight. The basic idea is that none of us were born into this world looking in the mirror and saying, "I look fat today." We had to learn to police our bodies this way. And if we learned it, that means we can unlearn it.

The main problem with using a "should" to change behavior is that it often produces the opposite result. Overtime, reacting from a place of "should" leads one to become resentful, burnt out, frustrated, and then having a negative reaction to healthier eating and going to the gym. If you have ever walked by that gym and felt guilty, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.

The good news is that there is an easier way to lose weight and make healthy choices. By challenging and altering long-held "shoulds" you make room for new thoughts, new values, new beliefs. You can begin to make choices that are rooted in love and appreciation for yourself instead of fear. You can be empowered to feel in control of your decisions instead of complacently adhering to societal standards. Or to put it another way, you can feel GREAT whether you decide to hit the gym or not!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

The Day After: Was It Good For You?

2010-11-04T15:36:00.004-04:00

Was it good for you? Monday, November 1st was the Third Annual Give Up Your Shoulds Day. For one day, hundreds of you went without a harmful "should" that had been preventing you from having the blissful life you deserve. Now what?

If you enjoyed having a day without "shoulds," then consider trying one week, maybe even a month. My book Absolutely Should-less offers a step by step guide to reducing "shoulds" in satisfying and effective ways. It encourages you to take responsibility for your own bliss and directly challenge any messages that conveys, "You should change."

To learn more about how to live blissfully without "shoulds," continue to visit this blog, or listen to any one of the shows:

Radio Show with General Hospital's Jacklyn Zeman
Feast of Fun
Da Doo-Dirty Show (Damon comes on around 85min)
Brandon's Buzz

If you are in the New York City and want to see me for a session, please contact me at Shouldless@gmail.com, or call 347-227-7707.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

The Third Annual Give Up Your "Shoulds" Day Is Today!

2010-11-01T01:30:00.002-04:00

WELCOME to the 3rd Annual Give Up Your "Shoulds" Day! I couldn't be happier to celebrate this holiday again and to hear all the "shoulds" that people are willing to give up for a day. Remember: Giving up a "should" does not necessarily mean you are going to do drastically different things. It may mean doing the exact same things differently. Either way you get to wake up on a Monday morning without having all the "shoulds" weigh you down. So here's how it works:

MORNING: Please post on your FB or Twitter status one "should" you are willing to give up for one day. Please include @Damon L. Jacobs so I can see it. (on Twitter it's "DamonLJacobs").

2pm-3pm EST: Listen to our "should-less" blogtalk radio broadcast with General Hospital's Jacklyn Zeman at http://tobtr.com/s/1319605, at 2pm EST (11am PST) .Call in live and share with us your "should"!

3pm-4pm EST: Engage in Twitter discussion with Damon about "shoulds" at http://twitter.com/DamonLJacobs

8pm-9:30pm EST: If you are in NYC, come to the FREE workshop, "How To Lose The Should To Get The Good" at 208 W. 13th street. Free Brownies made by Matt Cameron, aka, the "Zesty Chef" of New York.

THROUGHOUT THE DAY: You can listen to me discuss the bliss of living life "should-less" by listening to my appearance on any one of these shows:

Feast of Fun
Da Doo-Dirty Show (Damon comes on around 85min)
Brandon's Buzz

If this event appeals to someone you know, please tell them as well!

Thank you so much, I look forward to sharing a wonderful "Should-less" day with all of you!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

The Third Annual Give Up Your "Shoulds" Day Is Tomorrow!

2010-10-31T13:58:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow is the big day! We're almost there! For those who wish to participate in this event here's how it will work:

MORNING: Please post on your FB or Twitter status one "should" you are willing to give up for one day. Please include @Damon L. Jacobs so I can see it. (on Twitter it's "DamonLJacobs").

2pm-3pm EST: Listen to our "should-less" blogtalk radio broadcast with General Hospital's Jacklyn Zeman at http://tobtr.com/s/1319605, at 2pm EST (11am PST) .Call in live and share with us your "should"!

3pm-4pm EST: Engage in Twitter discussion with Damon about "shoulds" at http://twitter.com/DamonLJacobs

8pm-9:30pm EST: If you are in NYC, come to the FREE workshop, "How To Lose The Should To Get The Good" at 208 W. 13th street. Free Brownies made by Matt Cameron, aka, the "Zesty Chef" of New York.

If this event may appeal to someone you know, please invite them as well!

Thank you so much, I look forward to sharing a wonderful "Should-less" day with all of you!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Messed Up Thinking #6: It Is Personal

2010-10-26T17:52:00.002-04:00

When someone says something to you or about you, it feels personal. When someone hits you or knocks you down, it feels personal. When someone uses Twitter, FaceBook, or any social media to publicly attack you, it feels personal. When a bully in your life tries to hurt you or intimidate you, it feels personal. But the power you have in ANY and all of these circumstances is to remind yourself of this golden phrase:

"What other people think of me is none of my business."

Seriously! You have the choice to change your mind at any moment by repeating the above. You may need to repeat a lot if you have never said it before, but I guarantee the more you integrate this message into to your daily life, the easier it will get.

What's implicit in this message is that every single one are walking around on this earth making meaning of life based on our perceptions. How each and every one of us define good or bad, smart or dumb, attractive or unattractive, completely depends on how we have been conditioned. You don't get to choose or control the conditioning with which other people judge you. What you do get control over is how much power and attention you are going to give it.

Remember, "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." If you attack me then I will definitely experience pain, outrage, frustration, or some form of hurt. But suffering happens when I tell myself, "He is right. I'm no good, I should shut up, I should be dead." If every child and adult truly learned this lesson, I can promise that this epidemic of gay suicides would end quickly.

When someone hates you it has nothing to do with you. Learn this now, live peacefully forever.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, bullying, caretaking fatigue, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, and with couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To schedule a visit, email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Feast of Fun!

2010-10-22T12:58:00.001-04:00

I had such a wonderful time talking with the boys at Chicago's Feast Of Fun show the other day. We discussed the impact of "shoulds" on bullies, gay suicide, as well as how we challenge destructive "shoulds" in our own lives. We also reviewed the five things gay men typically do to sabotage relationships, and the ONE thing that everyone can do to stop the spread of HIV (and it's not about condoms!). Please go to Feast of Fun to download the show (#1276 on 10/20/10) and tell me what you think.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals, couples, and families in New York City. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve."

Messed Up Thinking #5: My Feelings Are Facts

2010-10-19T15:32:00.002-04:00

This is probably one of the biggest mistakes smart people make to ruin their lives. They use their feelings to determine what is absolutely true. They decide that just because something feels a certain way, then it must be an accurate reflection of reality. And as we have witnessed recently in the news, this type of thinking can be fatal.

To begin, feelings are not facts. They are experiences that can be extremely pleasurable or quite disturbing. Either way, they do not always reflect what is objectively taking place around you. For example: When I'm waiting for that subway train to come, I often feel like it's never going to get there, and then I experience frustration, impatience, and anger. The rational fact is that eventually that train will be there. It could be one minute, it could be twenty minutes, but eventually someday, sometime that train will appear. When I decide to believe my irrational feelings, I suffer the consequences, by having unpleasant emotions.

This can be especially troublesome in relationships when you feel like someone else is doing something wrong. A phone call or text message isn't returned quickly. Your partner is distracted. Your sex life decreases. These can all lead one to feel like a relationship is in trouble, when in fact, these can be common occurrences in any long term partnership. These changes may mean nothing at all. But if you make decisions solely based on how they feels, versus rationality, you are bound to be stressed out and unhappy, and possibly destroy a union that has value to both of you. Conversely, you may feel like someone truly loves you and wants to be with you, while the rational evidence may show that that person is not loving and caring towards you. Either way, feelings are not the best indicator of what is actually happening in reality.

Sadly, thinking that feelings are facts can have deadly consequences as well. We are too familiar now with the frequency that young gay/lesbian people take their lives while feeling like their life will never get better. Rationally, we know that life does get better, and the current "It Gets Better" campaign offers plenty of credible evidence to support this. Yet suicide attempts are made from the irrational thought, "I feel my life will never get better so that must be true."

Please keep in mind, there is nothing "bad" or problematic about feelings. As I said earlier, feelings can be wonderful pleasurable experiences. What brings unnecessary pain is suffering is when you use feelings to decide something is true at the exclusion of rational evidence around you. I may feel that train isn't coming, but all rational evidence would indicate it will. I may feel my life is over when all rational evidence would indicate it will get better.

If we want to live in a world with less suicide, less violence, and less suffering, then it begins by each person challenging automatic thought patterns. If you want to see young people live and thrive instead of taking their lives, then all of us need to be that change. We can all be part of the solution just by making some adjustments to our thought patterns.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals, couples, and families in New York City. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve."

Feast of Fun

2010-10-19T14:49:00.004-04:00

I am so excited to announce that I will be doing an upcoming show with the brilliant and twisted minds behind Feast Of Fun. The Feast of Fun podcast is a daily talk show hosted by Fausto Fernós and Marc Felion featuring celebrity guests, artists, musicians, actors, friends and members of the GLBT community. The program is a roundtable discussion of unusual news, social trends and features cocktail recipes and interviews.

Few people work harder to bring intelligent, stimulating, and FREE news and entertainment to the world every day. Their contributions to the spirit and health of GLBT community are unmeasurable. They were honored on the one year Anniversary of Podcasting by the iTunes Music Store for having "helped pave the way for podcasts to go from underground movement to mainstream phenomenon.”

Please check out their incredible work at the Feast of Fun website, and come back to this blog to listen to our upcoming show.

UPDATED:
Listen below.

"Lose The Should To Get The Good" Workshop November 1st

2010-10-18T15:25:00.002-04:00

I am so excited to announce this addition to the 3rd Annual Give Up Your Shoulds Day events. I will be offering a FREE workshop in New York City, on Monday, November 1st, at the GLBT Center (208 W. 13th Street), from 8pm-9:30pm titled, "How to Lose The Should To Get The Good". If you have EVER experienced any sadness or stress telling yourself you should be any different than you are today, or if you want to learn how to help others decimate cruel messages from bullies, then THIS is the workshop for you!

Free treats will be served, and signed copies of "Absolutely Should-less" will be for sale! If you are in the New York area, please come join me. Questions? Email me at Shouldless@gmail.com

The "Shoulds" Killing Gay Youth

2010-10-10T20:48:00.011-04:00

Another gay related suicide was reported in the news today. In an earlier post, I discussed how all action is a response to a thought. In the case of a gay person committing suicide, or trying to commit suicide, it is always coming from the equation:

I should be straight + I should be normal

= I should be dead

It is way past time that we get smarter about this. Someone cannot take the extreme action of killing themselves without a "should" in their thoughts. A "should" is a rigid and inflexible belief about yourself, others, or the world. When you use "should" you are presuming you know how things "should" be, and demanding that things had better go your way or not at all. Suicide is an extreme response to this thinking.

I am proposing a one day moratorium on "shoulds" on Monday, November 1st. One day without, "I should be straight." One day without, "I should be normal." One day without, "There is something inherently wrong with me and I should change."

Sure, "it gets better," but absorbing that message requires someone to have faith in a future event. It comes as little comfort to someone who is seriously contemplating suicide. It is time to help gay youth stand up and fight against the "shoulds" that are demanding they kill themselves. Teach them how to say NO to the internal and external voices telling them they should die. Give them tools for intelligently and effectively challenging the thought, "You will never be normal so you shouldn't live."

It is not enough to blame bullies, legislators, haters. There will always be sources of negativity and hate in our lives. By living "should-less" you effectively protect yourself against the hatred and rigid standards of others. Living "should-less" is a recognition that they may hate you, but you don't have to hate yourself. I am living proof that these tools can save your life. They can help you too.

L Train "Shoulds"

2010-10-09T15:47:00.002-04:00

If you have ever been to New York City, or are familiar with the transportation, you will know that New Yorkers are pretty dependent on the subways to get around. In the Williamsburg neighborhood of Brooklyn, we are especially reliant on the L train to get anywhere.

This weekend the brilliant MTA suspended all L train service, thereby leaving Williamsburg commuters stranded / inconvenienced. Even better, this was not announced until Thursday, the same day we were told our monthly passes would be raised over 10% in December.

What a week for those of us trying not to clog the street with cars and fumes! However, as with all adversity, this is a wonderful opportunity to again practice living should-less. The reality is there are no L trains. This is true whether I "should" it not. There are ways to get into Manhattan for work, it will simply take [at least] an hour instead of my usual 15 minute commute.

If I sit around and talk about how horrible things are, then I pay the price for that, not the MTA. I will get angry, my blood pressure will go up, I will have trouble sleeping, and feel worse. If I tell myself that it's no big deal, I'm just a little inconvenienced, I have new music on my ipod to listen to, and this is just an opportunity to see more Little Miracles, then I feel better.

Even inconvenienced I realize I still have choices. How about you?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals, couples, and families in New York City. He is also the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve."