Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Before You Rush To The Altar: The Five Secrets Of Successful Relationships

New York State passed a historic victory for gay/lesbian couples on June 24th, 2011, allowing same-sex couples to marry and enjoy equal legal rights as heterosexuals.  This is a profound political triumph for human rights everywhere. However, beyond the euphoria and celebration I strongly urge all couples, gay or straight, to contemplate the gravity of making such a commitment.  Just because we now have the legal option to marry, it does not mean it is automatically the right choice at this time.  Many couples may rush to take advantage of this new opportunity without building the necessary framework for enjoying and maintaining a long term successful union. 

There are five principles and tools that can enhance and improve a couple's ability to maintain love, fulfillment, and commitment for the long run.  In my fifteen years of practicing individual and couples therapy, I have found these five secrets indispensable for those who seek to enjoy long term nourishing and loving relationships:

Creativity vs. Conformity: Couples who experience joy together are able to create a structure and framework that is uniquely right for them, as opposed to automatically conforming to what society says they "should" do.  For example, in the world at large it may be considered "wrong" or "selfish" for one to go on a vacation without a spouse.  But what if one person in a couple loves traveling and the other hates it?  It is quite possible, and I would argue necessary, for couples who want to avoid resentments and bitterness to create arrangements that are specifically right for them.  This pertains to travel, handling money, sexual frequency, child rearing, socializing with friends, any action or situation that impacts both parties can be served by being respectfully created and negotiated.

Communication vs Conclusion:  So often couples think they know each other well enough that they can conclude what the other person is thinking or feeling.  A partner might say, "I know my husband doesn't want to see that play so I'm not even going to ask him."  What gets lost here is the ability for two people to communicate, and again create, a solution that is right for both parties.  Even if it's true that your husband doesn't love theater, people do change, and he might still appreciate being asked.  It is so easy for us in a busy world to assume we know what our partners want and need.  These assumptions can often lead to missed opportunities, hurt feelings, and more resentments.  I encourage couples to respectfully communicate and ask questions even if you think you already know the answer.  Counseling can be a great way for couples to learn unique and effective ways to communicate thoughts, needs, desires, preferences, and goals.

Compassion vs. Condemnation: So what if you have a partner who doesn't share many of your interests?  What if you can't wait to get to City Hall to get married and he's expressing concerns or doubts?  What if you're wanting sex more often than him?  These areas can all be created and communicated utilizing compassion.  When you are compassionate, it does not mean you agree and go along everything your partner wants.  But it does mean you make a genuine effort to be empathic, that is, to see and feel things from their point of view.  Compassion is recognizing nobody wakes up saying, "I can't wait to be an asshole today."  We are all trying to do the best we can with what we have, and some days are easier than others.  The opposite of this is condemnation, which involves blaming your partner for how you feel, putting him or her down for having different perspectives or needs, and making him or her "wrong."  Condemnation results in anger, resentments, at times domestic violence, and mostly definitely plays a fundamental role in divorces and separations.  Couples counseling can be instrumental in helping couples shift from condemnation to compassion in their interactions.

Contribution vs. Control: In successful long-term relationships there is a sense of two people contributing toward a common goal, as opposed to one person making all the decisions and seeking to control the other.  This can become tricky in relationships where there is a significant difference in income, age, health, or other power imbalance.  However, even when circumstances contribute to power differentials, it is still possible, and necessary, for both members to feel they are contributing something vital and essential to the relationship.  This can be accomplished by using the previous three tools above (creation, communication, compassion), and figuring out areas where both can feel empowered.  If one person is the breadwinner, perhaps the other can bake the bread. Any opportunity for both members to feel they are giving to the one another, and contributing to the relationship as a whole, will increase their satisfaction, enjoyment, and sense of pride.

Connection vs. Completion: Unfortunately, many have been taught by pop culture and Hollywood films that a relationship is meant to "complete" them, or help them find their "missing soul mate."  This, in my personal and professional experience,  is one of the biggest misnomers and crimes ever perpetuated against long-term unions.  Not only is it impossible for someone to meet all your needs, but it is no one's responsibility to or ability to "make" you feel anything.  Every great philosopher, therapist, or relationship expert, from Epictetus to Dr. Albert Ellis to Tina Turner to Oprah Winfrey, has discussed the importance of taking responsibility for one's own growth and development.  Another person in a fulfilling relationship can promote and enhance that growth, but does not "make" it happen.  Partnerships thrive when they are based in the authentic and pure desire to connect with someone, not to hold them accountable for your "completion."

Good counseling can promote wellness, love, respect, and sustainability in all stages of couplehood.  To learn more, please do not hesitate to contact me Shouldless@gmail.com, or call 347-227-7707. 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Relating With The Stonewall Riot Survivors!

Relating with Damon and Truett 
June 29th, 53 Christopher Street
6:30pm

Jerry Hoose and Tommy Schmidt were there on June 28th, 1969 at the historic Stonewall riots. Now, over 40 years later, Jerry and Tommy, who were both featured in the documentary "Stonewall Uprising", will make another appearance at The Stonewall Inn, as our special guest they will discuss the night that changed the face of America forever.

Swing by The Stonewall Inn (53 Christopher Street) on June 29th, meet Jerry and Tommy, and hear about the LGBTQ movements that have happened over the years; however, it all started at The Stonewall Inn with brave young people like Jerry and Tommy. Their stories are amazing and very inspirational!

Also we'll have a special performance by the very talented Stonewall Sensation winner, Erik Sisco.

Our guest group for the evening will be the 'Gay Coaches Collective'.

The show's schedule:
6:30-7:00pm: Socializing and drinks
7:00-8:00pm: Discussion with Jerry Hoose and Tommy Schmidt
8:00pm: Erik Sisco will perform "I am what I am" and "Over the rainbow"

After the talk show and performances we will have a Stonewall post-pride party so everyone can meet Jerry and Tommy. 


Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Tweeting Of Blame

"We are always paid for our suspicion by finding what we suspect."
- David Henry Thoreau

"If you point out the errors of your brother's ego you must be seeing through yours"
-A Course In Miracles

You may succeed in making another feel guilty about
something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it
is about you that is making you unhappy. "
-Wayne Dyer


There has been a profound amount of finger pointing and guilt seeking online this week. From Congressman Anthony Weiner to daytime soap star Crystal Chappell, I have seen online boards flooded with pages and pages devoted to seeking fault and perceived moral deficit in other people.  Twitter offers a unique and effective way to complain and blame, given that 140 characters hardly allows you to experience a rich discussion or get a sense of complexity or depth that fuel people actions.  

To review: people have been up in arms because New York Congressman Anthony Weiner sent out a series of PG-13 pictures of his body to various females, and lied about it publicly (though more details are unfolding as this is being written).  Emmy winning Crystal Chappell has been taken to task because she opted not to defend a cast mate who was cruelly bullied by a media figure on Twitter.  This past week most people I know have been commenting/blogging/posting/tweeting and forming judgments about the choices of these public figures with inflated superiority. 

There is a special type of adrenaline reserved for moral indignation. As far as I can see, millions of people are getting high right now off their sense of righteousness. 

To be clear: you cannot find guilt in others that you do not perceive within yourself. This is just as true for bullies in schools as it is for judgmental religious leaders, as it is for soap fans on Twitter.  You can only condemn in others parts of yourself you don't like.  Twitter, and American culture at large, enable and encourage you to perceive guilt and fault in someone or something outside of yourself.  But finger wagging and blame won't change the feelings and desires you are uncomfortable with.

This is most evident in the example of gay bullying.  The only reason one would choose to focus on another person's sexual orientation is if they were uncomfortable with their own.  It is usually closeted gay teens who violently seek out and pursue attention from other (perceived) gay teens in the form of bullying.  When someone has comfort within themselves about who they are, they have no reason to fear and condemn the actions and desires of others.

Similarly, Anthony Weiner's behaviors have set off a maelstrom of insecurities about the structure of the traditional heterosexual dyad.  His actions have challenged the foundation of "monogamy" and "cheating."  Instead of people looking at the issues he brings up, and their own interest and stimulation by his activities, they are resolving to handle this internal stress by blaming him and calling for his resignation.  If he does quit, it will do nothing to further resolve the fundamental problems in people's relationships, and will only enable people to blame others the next time a political scandal breaks (and there will be a next time!). 

Crystal Chappell's Twitter activities have also provoked thousands of thousands of comments and opinions regarding what she "should" have done when a colleague was verbally attacked.  Once again, people can narrowly focus on the "shoulds" of others, and gain adrenaline-fueled momentum on their search for finding fault and assigning guilt.  But doing so won't make their lives any happier.

Responsibility and integrity are essential ingredients in the recipe of mental health.  This starts when you decide to focus on the person in the mirror instead of public figures.  Ask yourself, "In what ways have I have behaved outside of my integrity? Have I ever been tempted to engage in a relationship outside of a monogamous dyad? Is Anthony Weiner really bad, or does it just piss me off that he almost got away with doing something I really wanted to do?" Or ask yourself, "In what ways have I not stood up for someone in my life? How have my actions contradicted my intentions? Is Crystal Chappell really wrong, or does she just remind me of times in my life when I have fallen short by not being there for someone else?"

Focusing on the errors of others is a great way to avoid responsibility within yourself, feel high off superiority, and gain community with others who are doing the same thing.  But it won't help you sleep at night, and it won't enable you to have more authentic feelings of pleasure, enjoyment, and serenity.  Instead of seeking fault in others, try noticing what uncomfortable feelings are aroused.  You may be surprised at what you find!

**NOTE: Since the writing of this piece, more details have been learned about Weiner's involvement with underage women.  I do not condone or agree with this behavior, but still maintain that it is serves individuals and couples to discuss their reactions and thoughts about his actions instead of perceiving him solely as the "problem."  

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Psychotherapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

What Is Integrity?


 What is integrity? During my 40 Lessons of 40 series earlier this year I frequently discussed integrity as a goal of living with more balance, acceptance, and peace.  Yet many afterward requested I go into more depth about what "integrity" means and how it impacts culture and mental health. 

"Integrity" by my standards means you get clear on your priorities and values, and then shape your daily decisions and actions in alignment with those priorities and values.  It is based on what is authentically true for you, not what you and others think it "should" be. For instance, a high priority for me is to "be the change in the world," meaning, I recognize it is my responsibility to make this world a better place than how I found it.  My daily decisions and actions follow that value by keeping up an affordable psychotherapy practice, doing outreach/education for HIV Vaccine Trials, and using online media to spotlight the achievements and accomplishments of artists who are helping improve the world at We Love Soaps. 

The problems occur when one is acting in ways that are out of alignment with their proclaimed values.  This week the media has spotlighted (ad nauseum) a New York Congressman whose online behavior was out of alignment with his public priorities and traditional family values.  Such a discrepancy has captured the attention and imagination of the masses because it resonates with our own internal sense of something being "off."  We love to point out the embarrassing and humiliating flaws in others, but are rarely willing to look at our own contradictions.  Acting outside of one's integrity can ultimately lead to depression, intense stress, frustration, reduction in job performance, interruption of primary relationships, and increase in addictive behaviors. 

My psychotherapy practice focuses on solution-focused approaches for learning and strengthening integrity, and promoting consistency between priorities, values, and actions.  I help people learn effective tools for managing grief and loss, bereavement, ageism, stress, depression, social anxiety, bullying, and anger. I specialize working with individuals and/or couples coping with addiction, HIV related concerns, caretaking fatigue, spiritual/religious issues, and coming out.  I currently see clients on Tuesdays and Fridays at 1133 Broadway (at 26th street), and have later night appointments for those who cannot attend appointments during the day.  I take ComPsych insurance, and work with other companies to assist clients in getting reimbursed for out-of-network benefits.  Additionally, I have a reasonable sliding scale that is negotiated collaboratively. 

I am now offering lectures and workshops throughout New York that assistant participants in managing their daily lives without the "shoulds" that lead to suffering.  To see highlights from my "Give Up Your Shoulds Day" conference in New York City last November, please check out  http://t.co/lwmDFhA.  If you are interested in having me as a presenter for your group or at your business, please feel free to write me at Shouldless@gmail.com, or call me at 347-227-7707.  To read about more tools for managing life without "shoulds," please check out my blog at http://shouldless.blogspot.com

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist seeing individuals and couples in New York City. He specializes in issues related to addiction, ageism, bullying, caretaking fatigue, body image, grief and loss, gay/lesbian issues, stress management, depression, as well as couples in non-traditional arrangements. He is the author of "Absolutely Should-less: The Secret to Living the Stress-Free Life You Deserve." To have him speak with your group, or to schedule a counseling visit, call 347-227-7707, or email at Shouldless@gmail.com